JV NFL Methadone Window is OPEN!!

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

Yes, my friends, ESPN is #branding this as the bestest gosh darned opening weekend you ever did see…but for reals, that is really more about name value and TOP matchups. It sure as shit ain’t about depth. As you will note in my viewing guide below, your remote control batteries will get a RedZone Channel sized rest this soggy (yeah, East Coast Bias TILL I DIE, muthaflippas) September Saturday.

Georgia Tech vs. Boston College (7:30 am, ESPN2)

I dunno exactly WHY we are so hell bent on making the people of Ireland like terrible college footy. I was going to compare it to the degradation of the Old Firm Lesser Footy rivalry, but that’s fookin’ Scotland. Anyway, read the linked article and ya’ll larn soomet, ya bloody yank. You don’t want to set your alarm for this, which may or may not count in the ACC standings. It will have no bearing on who loses to Louisville/FSU/Clemson for the league title.

Oklahoma at Houston (noon, ABC)

Hey, give credit where credit’s due – no matter how much teevee green they threw at Bob Stoops…this is a ballsy opener to agree to, especially on the road. The Cougars are a tough foe, and likely the only legit Cinderella contender to run the table and earn a seat at the grown-ups’ table in January. The Big 12 is a shade down this season, so Boomer Sooner could also use a statement win for style points.

Missouri at West By God Virginia (noon, FS1)

HAI, cousinfuckers!! We see you over there. This is mostly a viewer’s guide for WCS, so he don’t forget. But in case Okie shits all over Houston, a backup plausible option is nice to have. Mizzou could hang around. Or not, it’s week one and the fuck do I know about anything??

UCLA at Texas A&M (3:30, CBS)

This is a really interesting table setter game. The Aggies are unranked (how can this be PAWWWWWLLLL??), but you know there will be raw talent and a hostile atmosphere. Josh Rosen is a legitimate Jewish Heisman candidate, which would totes ruin OJ’s Fred Goldman joke. SUCH A PITY. Anyway, the Bruins will start getting national playoff contender talk if’n they win in College Satition. BUHLEE DAT!

LSU at Wisconsin (3:30, ABC)

This is on the not yet frozen tundra of Lambeau Field, for the first time EVAR. Sadly, Keith Jackson is dead, and Les Miles was almost fired one year before he could have munched this rarified sod. I literally can’t smgdh enough. My brain is so fucked, I was sure Miles actually WAS fired before I Googled him to find out where he was now, and who replaced him. Holy fuck, am I ever stupid.

Georgia vs. U*NC (5:30, ESPN)

The Dawgs are still starting the sad sack reject QB who couldn’t cut it at UVA. This ain’t a good sign. If I am dead by my own hand on Sunday, it’s because the Cheaters won in the Dome.

Southern Cal vs. Alabama (8:00, ABC)

This game has the fun/interesting backstory of the Trojans coming to Tuscaloosa to play Bear Bryant’s all-white Tide, and whipping their asses. Supposedly, Bear scheduled it as a “lesson” to the Board of Trustees as to why he needed to be able to recruit black athletes. Because he knew any argument based on simple human decency wouldn’t be worth his breath. Local black folks – barred from the segregated stadium – sat on a nearby hill and cheered every SC touchdown. Long story short, fuck Alabama.

Clemson at Auburn (9:00, ESPN)

Another bit of good scheduling, by Clemson’s idiot savant Dabo Swinney. Go on the road, get tested in a VERY hostile environment on the Plains…but almost surely win the game. This should help when those tough Louisville and Florida State games come ’round the bend. Plus, good teevee.

BYU vs. Arizona (10:30, FS1)

The always popular insomniac/DVR/West Coast/tweaker special. I know nothing about either side this season.

Notre Dame at Texas (Sunday – 7:30, ABC)

Sigh. Too bad the Longhorns still suck out loud.

Ole Miss vs. Florida State (Monday – 8:00, ESPN)

Chad Kelly, ultimate redneck QB for Johnny Reb, is still kicking around. Perhaps they can make things interesting, though FSU is so loaded for bear on D, it will be hard for even Jimbo Fisher to screw it up. And that’s saying somethin’ coming from me.

King Hippo
King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]

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Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Can we have Mike Carey be a recurring character a la Bizarro?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

What would his hook be? Talking like he knows what is going on while constantly being corrected behind him by someone that actually knows the rules. Maybe change the setting to any other job. Actually I talked myself into being behind it.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

No, just straight up Bizarro

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Like Superman or SeaLab 2021? or some other third option I am missing?

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I was thinking Superman, but now it just seems stupid.

yeah right
Member

Clock strikes midnight.

Sunday Gravy going live.

yeah right
Member

13 minutes.

You know I’m counting down.

yeah right
Member

What’s up brothers and sisters?

I’ve been without home DSL for 3 days and the new modem doesn’t get here until next week so all my shit has been mobile.

I don’t know how to embed videos!

Please play Static X Permanence for me. Please.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Here I’ll post that video for you

yeah right
Member

I am going to hate you for awhile.

We’ll get past it.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

I was going to post Britney Spears’ Toxic, but I unironically like that song (or maybe it’s just the video)

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

yeah right
Member

God bless you good sir.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

My biggest complaint about Windows 10 has to be the update system. I have it set up so it is supposed to do it Wednesday at 7 am (I picked the time I would never be doing anything, and if someone calls me asking for computer help then I can say “Sorry, Windows is updating. I am going back to sleep. Never call me again”). Instead it happens randomly and I get a message warning me it is gonna shut down my computer no matter what, or just shuts down with no warning. I am not ok with either of these. I have a good chunk of my school work online and with 1 attempt

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

(The Wednesday aspect is just my schedule now. When I get a job that obviously will have to change)

WCS
Member

Why did Dabo Dabo! DABO! not kick a field goal there?

Horatio Cornblower
Member

In case you were out of onions and needed to see if your tear ducts worked…

http://screengrabber.deadspin.com/nebraska-takes-delay-of-game-in-missing-man-formation-i-1786156463?utm_campaign=socialflow_deadspin_twitter&utm_source=deadspin_twitter&utm_medium=socialflow

Also Fresno State declined the penalty, which is even more awesome.

Fronkenshteen
Member

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Well, at least now I can stop OD’ing on football today.
Screw off, Clemson.

Gratliff
Member

The Niners are super fucked. You know it’s bad when people are shocked that Colin Kaepernick still has a roster spot on a team that’s starting Blaine Gabbert, controversies be damned.

Croooow
Member
Croooow

New coach, same losing to an FCS school for Iowa State.

WCS
Member

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WOOOOO

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Fucking Saban. Wins 52-6 against the #20 team and he’s still finding shit to bitch about.

WCS
Member

This is the same guy who complained about winning a national title, because it cut into recruiting time. There’s zero chance any of the children his wife gave berth to were sired by him.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Men, I just finished my first rounds of Secret Hitler, and I have to tell you, it was fucking amazing. I’m not a huge board/strategy game aficiando, but I think it’s the best game of all time.

Shogun Marcus
Member

Seems interesting.
/lacks regular access to the needed number of people
//hates most people
///smgdmfh

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I just read up on it. That looks really fun! I wish I had a group of friends that played board games…

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

If there’s a way to make it a drinking game, bring it to Vegas.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Anything is a drinking game, but pretty sure I’m out for Vegas.

Balls, you just need five. You can make that happen at a SoCal DFO meet up.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

So 16 of the Browns 53 man roster are rookies. Holy shit is that team hard up for talent.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

If your team is a dumpster fire that has been burning for 20 years it makes sense to throw out as much of the stuff that is on fire and hope the next things you throw in are less flamable.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

As opposed to their old strategy of trying to put it out with “water” pumped in from the Cuyahoga river?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Now that was funny.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Dammit, Hippo done gone and depressed me.
Or maybe it’s watching Clemson win.

WCS
Member
theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

My father used to say that any day Carolina loses can’t be all bad.
He was also wolven, btw.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I know not everyone likes him, but this always cracks me up:

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I like him too.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I’m not really a fan, but I don’t hate him. That was funny though. And he gets used as a punchline but don’t people hate his stereotypical fans more than him.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

These Dr. Pepper ads make me actively want to avoid drinking Dr. Pepper out of spite.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Check for Insanity League Draft Updates.

Fronkenshteen
Member

Fuck. I’m working then.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Fuck. I realized that I’d scheduled the draft over the holiday weekend so I hoped this would be more amenable.

We’ll work something out.

Fronkenshteen
Member

Oh, no worries. I’m sure the kitchen will slow enough down by 9:00. I should be fine as long as I can draft on the Yahoo! Fantasy Football app on my phone.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Well this Alabama-USC game should put to rest the argument about what would happen if a SEC team played against a professional team.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Beers!
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Shogun Marcus
Member

Steers and queers…
Revolting Cocks
http://youtu.be/jPVC8Y4aJdc

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Van Houtens!
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Shogun Marcus
Member

After the WI/LSU game, the inevitable began bubbling up.
I’m going to say this slowly and clearly. …ahem…
STOP TRYING TO MAKE LAMBEAU SUPERB OWL A THING! GODDAMNIT YOU PEOPLE IT’S NOT A THING. NEVAR.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

But Wisconsin in late Jan/early Feb is beautiful. It has -20 degree weather. Snow. A city with no decent hotels so the teams all have to stay 40 minutes away in my town.

Shogun Marcus
Member

40?! You crazy. 25-30 tops door to door. Plus they get escorted.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Yeah, from my house to there is 25 min, but I am close enough to the highway, the added 15 is getting downtown because while Appleton is surrounded by highway on all sides it takes 15 minutes from any exit to downtown.

Shogun Marcus
Member

Testify! Shortcuts are few and far between too. From the hotel Richmond would be quickest.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
Member

Hey kids. I just got back from spending the day saying
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Any really dumb trades or methadone binges whilst I was away?

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Nope.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
Member

Excellent. I love days where I don’t miss anything.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

You uh…do you got any methadone?
/asking foar a friend

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

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Croooow
Member
Croooow

You had one job, USC.

Sill Bimmons
Member
herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Swedes!
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