The Aints are not marching because that would require a ground game – Saints 2016 Preview

Duchess
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Pop Quiz Hot Shot
Name one player on the New Orleans Saints not named Drew Brees?

Yeah, I cannot do that either, and I am looking at the roster right now. On second thought this might have more to do with the fact that I cannot read.

What do you need to know about this organization:
Every head scratching move the Saints made the past couple of years is because they have the money management skills of Nicolaus Cage.  And that’s what you get when you put money in the hands of someone named Mickey Loomis a guy whose name sounds like a character who gets gunned down for running off with the mob money in every mafia movie ever. Just remember this is the same guy who was able to trade a basketball player and a 4th round draft pick to the Seahawks for a Center and a 1st round draft pick.

Stat that sounds far more important than it is:
Drew Brees’ contract takes up 37.5% of their total offense salary ($30M/$80M).

Last year’s Record:
7-9

Coach:
487297_10151468911005218_1294053590_n

Sean Payton – Sean Payton is the next Mike Ditka. After all, he has played for the Bears, has been coasting on one Super Bowl victory, wouldn’t be surprised to find him drunk at a Trump rally, and may very well end his career in a dumpster fire due to coaching the New Orleans Saints.

Key Losses:
Every Saint player you could name after Drew Brees
Marques Colston – released – Who has been a personal favorite of mine mostly because his rookie year Yahoo thought he was TE/WR so I was able to play him in the TE spot all year long and it helped me win one of those dumb bobble heads.
Will Smith – died – in a gruesome way and confused your facebook page for a couple of days. And opened up all those “The Wrong Will Smith died” jokes.

Key Signings:
People you don’t know

  • They drafted Vonn Bell, a Defensive end, and a WR

People You May Know

  • Hakeem Nicks – NOPE RELESEAD
  • Josh Scobee – NOPE RELEASED
  • Coby Fleener – TE from the Colts

Defensive Outlook:
Let’s see the defense was the worst in the league. They averaged allowing 30 points, 298 yards passing and over 120 yards rushing per game. The defense was so bad that Jacksonville looked competent next to them. Guess what that’s not changing. They have the mutant ability to make mediocre QB’s look like all stars

Offensive Outlook:
Drew Brees will take a few drop steps and toss the ball up and hope someone with the Saints jersey catches it. He came into this league as the next Doug Flutie then became the Next Joe Montana and is on his way to finishing his career as the Next QB traded to the Bears for a 2nd round draft pick. The Saints run game is is suspect behind a shaky o-line who would make Albert Haynesworth, the Redacted, look like Albert Haynesworth, the Titan.

Fantasy Implication:
Title: Game Day
Author: Sakka
Pairing: Peyton Manning/Drew Brees
Summary: It’s the night before the big game in Miami… (Superbowl 2010)
Warnings: M/M slash, one-shot, RPS, angst.

Fantasy Football Implication:

  • STEP ONE: DON’T DRAFT THEIR DEFENSE
  • STEP TWO: Start every QB who plays against the Saints Defense.
  • STEP THREE: ?????
  • STEP FOUR: PROFIT!!!
  • STEP FIVE: Draft Drew Brees but in later rounds
  • STEP SIX: Draft Willie Sneed or Michael Thomas –  When Drew was slinging he spread the ball around, but that was when they legitimately had 6 competent targets, try to name a 3rd.

What’s that Pregame Chant?
1! 2! Win! For you!
3! 4! Win! Some more!
5! 6! Win! For kicks!
7! 8! Win! It’s great!
9! 10! Win! Again!
Win! Again! Win! Again! Win! Again! Win! Again!

2016 Projected Wins:
Saints don’t win on the road and that’s half the season; while winning at home with a suspect defense and aging offense makes it a crap shoot. Their best strategy is hoping the visiting team has half as much fun on Bourbon Street the night before the game than Sean Payton. My bet is that the Saints will be Winning for Kicks. 6-10

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BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Do we have a comprehensive list of NFL teams without DFO backers?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

I need to stop reading the hyper-local Chicago websites. After reading the comments, I usually end up hating my neighbors.

John Difool
Member
John Difool

Drew Brie and Coby-Jack Fleener

Offense Name: Cheesus Christ

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Official Communion Host of the New Orleans Saints

http://37.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lpib8mKmC61qex36wo4_500.jpg

IHS indeed!

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

I love how NHL Network broadcasts have the one guy who sounds like he’s from Wichita and the other guy who sounds like he’s from Yellowknife.

It’s like how Premiership matches have the one guy from the RSC and the other guy who was “too ethnic” for Trainspotting 2.

comment image

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

I know that “Nicolaus Cage” was a typo but I feel like this should be the name of some fictional character that does something related to Nicolas Cage.

Like his parents were obsessed with “Raising Arizona” and wanted to name their kid Nicolas Cage but somebody at the county registrar misspelled it on the birth certificate and then Nicolaus grows up obsessed with his almost-namesake and starts to show up as an extra in his films like Forrest Gump and then he gradually loses his mind completely and starts to mirror Nicolas’ film freakouts in real life and then ultimately leads to a nineteen-day, five-state killing spree and manhunt for Nicolaus and then Nicolas volunteers to be choppered in for the final duel and then Star Trek music plays in the background as they fight to the death with the things and then Nicolaus does the one thing he never ever wanted to do and kills Nicolas and then Nicolaus kills himself in a last desperate tribute to his fallen idol and then the movie ends on a dolly-in shot of Nicolas’ and Nicolaus’ dead hands touching.

John Difool
Member
John Difool

You know, I would actually pay to go see this and I haven’t set foot in a theater since the let-down that was Prometheus.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Yeah, I could see permanently boycotting movie theaters if I’d actually been hoodwinked into paying money for that dumpster fire of a movie. I watched it in the middle of a 14 hour flight and STILL felt like it had been an unforgivable waste of my time.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

That just recently happened to me with Bull Durham.

The baseball parts are still pretty good but holy FUCKBALLS did I want to strangle Costner and Sarandon whenever they would start in on the boring, tedious, soulless “witty banter” again.

I had to shut it off with about 1/2 hour to go.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

I’ve run across several people who actually viscerally dislike Bull Durham. I can enjoy it once in a while but I roll my eyes at a few parts that seem to try too hard to be clever and endearing. (I don’t think Costner is very good in it.)

John Difool
Member
John Difool

Theron in a tight body-suit was the only redeeming part of that movie.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

All this is Jessica Biel’s boobs added in for sex appeal and we’ve got a motherfuckin’ blockbuster on our hands.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

I stopped liking Seth Rogen a long time ago and I’ve never liked Amy Schumer #UpForGoFuckYourself

Enrico Pallazzo
Member

They will miss Rob Ryan. Not because he’s any good but because what are they going to do with all of those XXXXXL shirts?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Who dey, who dey…who dey think gon’ beat dem Saints?
/every hand in the room goes up

Well whaddya know? I speak Cajun…who knew?

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

That’s Bengal.

yeah right
Member

Kenny Vacarro?

In their defense going to a Saints game, by which I mean a trip to New Orleans, is still an absolute blast.

Gumbo gumbo.

Old School Zero
Member

I’m not sure I can name any current players, but I’ll probably be picking up Pierre Thomas off the waiver wires by week 6, as usual, due to RB1 and RB2 injuries.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Khiry Robinson! No wait, he got cut…

Marques Colston! No wait, he retired…

MARK INGRAM!

Bloody Lethal
Member
Bloody Lethal

Mark Ingram has always reminded me of a Backyard Football character. Or that kid from Hardball.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_sn4M8gFCgnM/SFAh9CWL-RI/AAAAAAAAAK0/VGHXmQ7KqeQ/w1200-h630-p-nu/keanu_reeves_julian_griffith_hardball_001.jpg

Senor Weaselo
Member

The *insert team in any sport here* should draft Pablo Sanchez!

I mean ANY sport.
http://i55.tinypic.com/2rhwwhd.png

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