Your Early Afternoon Slate Of NFL Games Open Thread

You read that? You can’t talk about anything but football. Football, football, football. I kid of course-open up about anything you like. Just be aware that you may get drowned out by a DEZDOWN! or a HAIL BLEERG! or a FLACCOCEPTION! You spin the wheel, you take yer chances…TO THE GAMES!

Cincy/Pit-Oof! Qb Dalton was sacked 7 times last week. I expect that the Steelers D will increase that total. Lb Shazier left with a knee injury last week and his status was up in the air earlier in the week but he’ll play today. The Bengals gave up 5.3 yds per carry to Forte and Powell last week and now face 143 yard-earner Williams. My prediction?…Pain, uh, I mean Rain-a 50% chance.

Tenn/Det-Qb Stafford is sporting a ridiculous 79.5% completion rate. Yes, it is fun to cherry-pick stats after the first week of play. The Titans weren’t able to get any pressure on Shaun Hill last week so I expect The Chunky Monkey will have himself another fine game. Go get ’em, Marvin Jones! Rook wr Sharpe is looking like the real thing in Mariota’s eyes. He had 7 catches on 11 targets, both of which led the team. If the Lions get up early on the Titans as I expect they will, the latter’s plans to ground and pound with Murray and Henry will be shelved once again.

Bal/Cle-Next up on the Browns QB Carousel is old, dependable Josh McCown. As a starter over the last 19 games he’s 2-17. His opposite number, mayo-based life form Flacco is 13-2 vs. the Browns. He threw vanilla-ish stats of 22/33-258-1 against the wall in a yawn-inducing 13-7 win over the Bills last week. Look for wr Wallace to test the back end of a leaky Browns secondary early. One guy that is happy about the dreadful McCown news is te Barnidge-he had two drops last week and did little else. Last year he was able to spread his wings stats-wise as Josh’s security blanket. Look for more of the same starting this week.

Dal/Wash-Both squads lost last week so of course there was tons of hand-wringing among the faithful this week. No one wants to go down 0-2 in a division that could be won by an assemblage of national Punt, Pass and Kick winners. Wr Dez had but one catch on five targets last week. Renowned world-beater Beasley had a mere 12 targets in the same game. DAK! will take what the D gives him at this point in his development but The Beezer is not going to win you games. Oh looky over here-Dez tends to play the right side of the field which is where a certain cb by the name of Norman plays. Interesting! Look for rb Elliot to bust out this game given the run-stopping issues that the Redacteds had last week against the Steelers.

Saints/Giants-The Giants reformulated d-line and secondary should reduce the chances of there being a repeat of the 52-49 OT score-ganza that occurred last year. Brees is still Brees of course but this one is being played outside in less than agreeable conditions. New York’s less than whelming lb group is vulnerable to the te but Fleener was near-invisible last week. The Saints D didn’t get a single TO or sack last week. That’s amazing. You know what’s depressing? This already below average unit just lost starting cb Breaux to a broken leg. I expect Brees’ arm to kneel-down in protest of the harsh working conditions it is being subjected to any week now.

SF/Car-The Niners have a win and Carolina doesn’t? Has the world gone topsy-loopy? San Fran stunned the Rams last week by putting up 28 points and shutting them out. This week they are 13.5 point ‘dogs to the Panthers. I’m willing to bet that after one game they’re not that good nor are they that bad. Kelly’s heroes will catch up to the spread in garbage time.

Mia/NE-The Pats begin their annual humbling of  AFC East teams by hosting the Fins. As far as I know at this point Gronk may or may not play. It doesn’t matter. Qb Jimmy G (I don’t know how to spell Garibaldi. See?) will three step drop his way to adequate stats feeding the likes of Amendola, Edelman and Hogan. When the Miami D begins back-pedalling New England will treat them to a pounding by a Blount-force object. Easy peasy.

KC/Hou-Qb Smith threw for 363 yards last week. As you may have guessed, about 40% of those yards went to rb’s Ware and West. That’s the Alex Smith we all know, love and expect. Ware leads the team in rushing and receiving and is doing pretty much exactly what Jamaal Charles will next week when he returns. If you’re an rb that can catch the ball in an Andy Reid offence, you will pile up the numbers. That’s just the way it is. The Texans D is quite  stout overall but its one weakness-slow-ish linebackers that can’t cover te’s or short passes to the halfbacks-plays directly to the Chiefs strengths. Look for Kelce and Ware to thrive.

Now…LET’S GET OUT THERE AND GO, FIGHT, TYPE!!!

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Lothar of the Hill People

Cincy needs 15 to tie with less than 5 minutes left. They’ve scored 9 points thus far in the game. Yeah, I don’t think this comeback is happening no matter how much urgency Cincy shows (or doesn’t), Mr. Announcer Guy.

Doktor Zymm

Urgency? Like they have to pee really bad?

Sill Bimmons

Or not…

trollsoharduniversity

Carolina employing the strategy known as “We’re up by a lot, so we’ll just give you the ball in our red zone.” Let’s see how this pans out.

IronAvenger6491

DREW BREES HAS CALLED FOR THE DIAMOND CUTTER!

Doktor Zymm

Football is chickens?

ThePirateSloth

Are there really large swaths of the population out there that can not move their lives forward until they find out who exactly killed Jon Benet?

JustStopDude

Yeah…white people.

LemonJello

CBS’s main demographic?

Doktor Zymm

I heard somewhere on the internet that Katy Perry is really Jon Benet

ThePirateSloth

Haha, I heard that a few months ago too, I had to look that shit up. I can’t believe people really think that’s true.

Doktor Zymm

Internet rumors are my favorite

Dunstan

Trump’s big “October surprise” will be his promise to solve this mystery.

JustStopDude

Larry…getting a communications “degree” from “University of Phoenix” is a really half ass way of fulfilling your dying mother’s wishes.

Sill Bimmons

It’s a goddamn disgrace.

litre_cola

Devry v U of Phoenix v that New Hampshire one on during Maury, who ya got?

Lothar of the Hill People

Heyward is one of the captains of the team? That’s why he’s got one of those invisible C patches on his uniform, eh?

Bortleback

He drew a C on his pads with a marker, so he’d feel special

Sill Bimmons

Stillers don’t wear “C” patches.

Lothar of the Hill People

Ahh. That explains it. They’re all special, then?

Sill Bimmons

Beautiful little snowflakes…

Redshirt

Dalton gets hit after the pass hard enough for his helmet to fly off. No flag.

Did someone turn the Penalty sliders down or something?

Bortleback

The refs don’t like gingers

Lothar of the Hill People

Does anyone?

Kungjitsu

Depends on the ginger. I have no idea who Faye Reagan is.

Sill Bimmons

Cowboys O-Line is a team of lunatic yak beasts.

Kungjitsu

Lunatic Yak Beasts is the name of my metal band.

Gratliff

THIS PATRIOTS D, I CALL IT STEVE IRWIN, BECAUSE IT’S BEING BLED DRY BY MARINE LIFE.

Seriously, Pats D has 1/3 of the points it had going into the third.

Sill Bimmons

Explain to me again why Norman didn’t cover Dahntahn full-time last week…

comment image

Doktor Zymm

See Gruden? THAT’S WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT ALFRED MORRIS

litre_cola

These terrible footbaw games have been entertaining. Thank god for Redzone.

King Hippo

it really is the best thing EVAR. First day it came to cable, almost wept with joy

Redshirt

I’m not sure if I’ve been driven emotionally numb or if this game has driven me asleep.

Dunstan

HEY, HOW THE FUCK YOU BOYS (AND GIRLS) DOING?
/slaps DFO on the ass

Redshirt

HARDER!

I meant “Hi!”

I salute the Fins “break the Patriots QB” strategy.

IronAvenger6491

Giants D has forgotten how to football.

Sharkbait

Now that I’m home I can properly react to Garoppolo being dead. Ingest all of the Eagle Rare!

Doktor Zymm

Mediocre football sure can be exciting!

ThePirateSloth

meh

Lothar of the Hill People

At this point, the Cincy-Pitt game is about as entertaining as watching someone’s balls get stepped on in slow-motion.

I’m sure if I were a Pittsburgh fan (or a masochist, same thing), I’d be getting excited, but as it is, the only skin I have in this game is hoping Big Ben blows his knee out so hard it breaks his grey dick.

Kungjitsu

Balls Getting Stepped On In Slow Motion is its own category on Pornhub*

*OMG! That’s not even a real website. Seriously, who would pick a name like that? I’ve definitely never heard of it, let alone been to it.

IronAvenger6491

Victor Cruz “Not very good at this catching thing”

litre_cola

Great dancer tho

herodotus450

Things I imagine ‘Dak’ is short for:
Dakstrom
Daklexander
Dakmonius-Strobonius

Lothar of the Hill People

Jadziadaks?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Daisuke

Recovery Whiskey

Daktari

King Hippo

oh God, Tiny Hands is such high comedy

litre_cola

WBS is picking his mother up and missing this comeback by the Ratbirds. The roller coaster of emotions would have been fun to witness.

King Hippo

he driving across Murrrrlund, so I assume he has radio coverage, at least

Harf Harf Harf

Gratliff

I believe that Bengal DE was in a sleeper hold at one point in that play

Bortleback

RKO OUTTA NOWHERE?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“Alex Smith is killing me.”

What are things I say about my 2 QB league and Andy Reid says while flossing remnants from his tusks, Alex?

ThePirateSloth

Is it a requirement of all white QBs to now yell OMAHA at random?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

They’re just identifying cities Trump will carry

Sill Bimmons

DEDOWN PLEEZ

Sill Bimmons

WOO

Lothar of the Hill People

Oh Jebus. Poor factory. Up 20-0, and now the ratbirds have scored 22 straight to take the lead?

That game ought to be named for RG3’s broken shoulder. Irrational hope and promise early, then soul-crushing defeat and humiliation.

King Hippo

McCown’s left shoulder is broken too, he’s just playing through it. NO SHIT

blackroseMD1

What is a Cousinsception?

A) An interception thrown by NFL QB Kirk Cousins

or

B) Something that occurs often in the deep South

Sill Bimmons

£

LemonJello

A little of column A, a little (lot) of column B…

fleshwound_NPG

THE BEN DO RUNNING MAN THINGS MAKE FIRST DOWN HARF HARF

Sill Bimmons

HARFSCRAMBLE

LemonJello

The Ben do a good? Ben get Choco Taco?

John Difool

I HAVEN’T SEEN A COUSINS GETTING FUCKED OVER BY A CHURCH LIKE THIS SINCE JERRY LEE LEWIS AND HIS WIFE WERE REFUSED MARRIAGE IN ONE

Gratliff

lolskins, but I really want the Skins to win and keep the East properly mediocre.

King Hippo

oh, that will stay true no matter what

Lothar of the Hill People

I hate Columbus TV. The local Fox affiliate doesn’t want to run a game opposite Cincy-Pitt, so they’ve got soccer on. Not even the local MLS team, mind you (never mind they can’t sell out their games). Because they think that local support of two teams 2+ hours’ drive away is so great that there’s no point but to play soccer on opposite.

Doktor Zymm

Kirk Cousins : I feel really bad for you if you drafted him as your fantasy QB1

King Hippo

hahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha

that chucklefuck is being paid $20M

Spur

That’s a special pass from a special QB

litre_cola

YOU LIKE THAT???

Glorious Chairman Dan

GODDAMNIT KIRK

Old School Zero

Okay then–pozole is in the slow cooker. Back to footbaw. What’d I miss?

Kungjitsu

I’m calling Jacoby Brissett BLACK TAWMMY!

litre_cola

DAHHK TAHHMMY fixed it for you

Spur

Smokey.

Sill Bimmons

Jordan Reed: Good at teh footballing.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Kirk Cousins: meh

ThePirateSloth

“Teams are now kicking it shorter to the goal line and swarming the returner to tackle him inside the 20”.

Yes Greg Gumbel, because NO OTHER TEAM IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF THE NFL HAS NEVER USED THAT STRATEGY before moving the kickoffs back to the 25.

Doktor Zymm

Haha, I was surprised that Doctson was in, but apparently Dallas hasn’t noticed yet!

Lothar of the Hill People

Holy shit. Is that Buick commercial seriously Matthew McConaughey doing the Lipton plunge into a pool?

What the fuck? They’re paying him for this? They think that’ll help them sell cars?

Moonbatting Average

I thought he whored for Lincoln

Sill Bimmons

The best thing about RZ is no ads.

Seven hours of fitbaw.

Zero minutes of ads.

You need it.

litre_cola

Best 50 dollars I spend all year.

Lothar of the Hill People

Can’t buy it. They won’t sell it to me.

Glorious Chairman Dan

DACHSUND FUCK YEAH

This is a fugly game.

IronAvenger6491

New York Giants “Not very good at red zone offense”