You read that? You can’t talk about anything but football. Football, football, football. I kid of course-open up about anything you like. Just be aware that you may get drowned out by a DEZDOWN! or a HAIL BLEERG! or a FLACCOCEPTION! You spin the wheel, you take yer chances…TO THE GAMES!
Cincy/Pit-Oof! Qb Dalton was sacked 7 times last week. I expect that the Steelers D will increase that total. Lb Shazier left with a knee injury last week and his status was up in the air earlier in the week but he’ll play today. The Bengals gave up 5.3 yds per carry to Forte and Powell last week and now face 143 yard-earner Williams. My prediction?…Pain, uh, I mean Rain-a 50% chance.
Tenn/Det-Qb Stafford is sporting a ridiculous 79.5% completion rate. Yes, it is fun to cherry-pick stats after the first week of play. The Titans weren’t able to get any pressure on Shaun Hill last week so I expect The Chunky Monkey will have himself another fine game. Go get ’em, Marvin Jones! Rook wr Sharpe is looking like the real thing in Mariota’s eyes. He had 7 catches on 11 targets, both of which led the team. If the Lions get up early on the Titans as I expect they will, the latter’s plans to ground and pound with Murray and Henry will be shelved once again.
Bal/Cle-Next up on the Browns QB Carousel is old, dependable Josh McCown. As a starter over the last 19 games he’s 2-17. His opposite number, mayo-based life form Flacco is 13-2 vs. the Browns. He threw vanilla-ish stats of 22/33-258-1 against the wall in a yawn-inducing 13-7 win over the Bills last week. Look for wr Wallace to test the back end of a leaky Browns secondary early. One guy that is happy about the dreadful McCown news is te Barnidge-he had two drops last week and did little else. Last year he was able to spread his wings stats-wise as Josh’s security blanket. Look for more of the same starting this week.
Dal/Wash-Both squads lost last week so of course there was tons of hand-wringing among the faithful this week. No one wants to go down 0-2 in a division that could be won by an assemblage of national Punt, Pass and Kick winners. Wr Dez had but one catch on five targets last week. Renowned world-beater Beasley had a mere 12 targets in the same game. DAK! will take what the D gives him at this point in his development but The Beezer is not going to win you games. Oh looky over here-Dez tends to play the right side of the field which is where a certain cb by the name of Norman plays. Interesting! Look for rb Elliot to bust out this game given the run-stopping issues that the Redacteds had last week against the Steelers.
Saints/Giants-The Giants reformulated d-line and secondary should reduce the chances of there being a repeat of the 52-49 OT score-ganza that occurred last year. Brees is still Brees of course but this one is being played outside in less than agreeable conditions. New York’s less than whelming lb group is vulnerable to the te but Fleener was near-invisible last week. The Saints D didn’t get a single TO or sack last week. That’s amazing. You know what’s depressing? This already below average unit just lost starting cb Breaux to a broken leg. I expect Brees’ arm to kneel-down in protest of the harsh working conditions it is being subjected to any week now.
SF/Car-The Niners have a win and Carolina doesn’t? Has the world gone topsy-loopy? San Fran stunned the Rams last week by putting up 28 points and shutting them out. This week they are 13.5 point ‘dogs to the Panthers. I’m willing to bet that after one game they’re not that good nor are they that bad. Kelly’s heroes will catch up to the spread in garbage time.
Mia/NE-The Pats begin their annual humbling of AFC East teams by hosting the Fins. As far as I know at this point Gronk may or may not play. It doesn’t matter. Qb Jimmy G (I don’t know how to spell Garibaldi. See?) will three step drop his way to adequate stats feeding the likes of Amendola, Edelman and Hogan. When the Miami D begins back-pedalling New England will treat them to a pounding by a Blount-force object. Easy peasy.
KC/Hou-Qb Smith threw for 363 yards last week. As you may have guessed, about 40% of those yards went to rb’s Ware and West. That’s the Alex Smith we all know, love and expect. Ware leads the team in rushing and receiving and is doing pretty much exactly what Jamaal Charles will next week when he returns. If you’re an rb that can catch the ball in an Andy Reid offence, you will pile up the numbers. That’s just the way it is. The Texans D is quite stout overall but its one weakness-slow-ish linebackers that can’t cover te’s or short passes to the halfbacks-plays directly to the Chiefs strengths. Look for Kelce and Ware to thrive.
Now…LET’S GET OUT THERE AND GO, FIGHT, TYPE!!!
Cincy needs 15 to tie with less than 5 minutes left. They’ve scored 9 points thus far in the game. Yeah, I don’t think this comeback is happening no matter how much urgency Cincy shows (or doesn’t), Mr. Announcer Guy.
Urgency? Like they have to pee really bad?
Or not…
Carolina employing the strategy known as “We’re up by a lot, so we’ll just give you the ball in our red zone.” Let’s see how this pans out.
http://www.theknobonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/4459836-fua-that-s-a-bold-strategy-cotton-let-s-see-if-it-pays-off-for-em.jpg
DREW BREES HAS CALLED FOR THE DIAMOND CUTTER!
Football is chickens?
Are there really large swaths of the population out there that can not move their lives forward until they find out who exactly killed Jon Benet?
Yeah…white people.
CBS’s main demographic?
I heard somewhere on the internet that Katy Perry is really Jon Benet
Haha, I heard that a few months ago too, I had to look that shit up. I can’t believe people really think that’s true.
Internet rumors are my favorite
Trump’s big “October surprise” will be his promise to solve this mystery.
Larry…getting a communications “degree” from “University of Phoenix” is a really half ass way of fulfilling your dying mother’s wishes.
It’s a goddamn disgrace.
Devry v U of Phoenix v that New Hampshire one on during Maury, who ya got?
Heyward is one of the captains of the team? That’s why he’s got one of those invisible C patches on his uniform, eh?
He drew a C on his pads with a marker, so he’d feel special
Stillers don’t wear “C” patches.
Ahh. That explains it. They’re all special, then?
Beautiful little snowflakes…
Dalton gets hit after the pass hard enough for his helmet to fly off. No flag.
Did someone turn the Penalty sliders down or something?
The refs don’t like gingers
Does anyone?
Depends on the ginger. I have no idea who Faye Reagan is.
Cowboys O-Line is a team of lunatic yak beasts.
Lunatic Yak Beasts is the name of my metal band.
THIS PATRIOTS D, I CALL IT STEVE IRWIN, BECAUSE IT’S BEING BLED DRY BY MARINE LIFE.
Seriously, Pats D has 1/3 of the points it had going into the third.
Explain to me again why Norman didn’t cover Dahntahn full-time last week…
See Gruden? THAT’S WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT ALFRED MORRIS
These terrible footbaw games have been entertaining. Thank god for Redzone.
it really is the best thing EVAR. First day it came to cable, almost wept with joy
I’m not sure if I’ve been driven emotionally numb or if this game has driven me asleep.
HEY, HOW THE FUCK YOU BOYS (AND GIRLS) DOING?
/slaps DFO on the ass
HARDER!
I meant “Hi!”
I salute the Fins “break the Patriots QB” strategy.
Giants D has forgotten how to football.
Now that I’m home I can properly react to Garoppolo being dead. Ingest all of the Eagle Rare!
Mediocre football sure can be exciting!
meh
At this point, the Cincy-Pitt game is about as entertaining as watching someone’s balls get stepped on in slow-motion.
I’m sure if I were a Pittsburgh fan (or a masochist, same thing), I’d be getting excited, but as it is, the only skin I have in this game is hoping Big Ben blows his knee out so hard it breaks his grey dick.
Balls Getting Stepped On In Slow Motion is its own category on Pornhub*
*OMG! That’s not even a real website. Seriously, who would pick a name like that? I’ve definitely never heard of it, let alone been to it.
Victor Cruz “Not very good at this catching thing”
Great dancer tho
Things I imagine ‘Dak’ is short for:
Dakstrom
Daklexander
Dakmonius-Strobonius
Jadziadaks?
Daisuke
Daktari
oh God, Tiny Hands is such high comedy
WBS is picking his mother up and missing this comeback by the Ratbirds. The roller coaster of emotions would have been fun to witness.
he driving across Murrrrlund, so I assume he has radio coverage, at least
Harf Harf Harf
I believe that Bengal DE was in a sleeper hold at one point in that play
RKO OUTTA NOWHERE?
“Alex Smith is killing me.”
What are things I say about my 2 QB league and Andy Reid says while flossing remnants from his tusks, Alex?
Is it a requirement of all white QBs to now yell OMAHA at random?
They’re just identifying cities Trump will carry
DEDOWN PLEEZ
WOO
Oh Jebus. Poor factory. Up 20-0, and now the ratbirds have scored 22 straight to take the lead?
That game ought to be named for RG3’s broken shoulder. Irrational hope and promise early, then soul-crushing defeat and humiliation.
McCown’s left shoulder is broken too, he’s just playing through it. NO SHIT
What is a Cousinsception?
A) An interception thrown by NFL QB Kirk Cousins
or
B) Something that occurs often in the deep South
£
A little of column A, a little (lot) of column B…
THE BEN DO RUNNING MAN THINGS MAKE FIRST DOWN HARF HARF
HARFSCRAMBLE
The Ben do a good? Ben get Choco Taco?
I HAVEN’T SEEN A COUSINS GETTING FUCKED OVER BY A CHURCH LIKE THIS SINCE JERRY LEE LEWIS AND HIS WIFE WERE REFUSED MARRIAGE IN ONE
lolskins, but I really want the Skins to win and keep the East properly mediocre.
oh, that will stay true no matter what
I hate Columbus TV. The local Fox affiliate doesn’t want to run a game opposite Cincy-Pitt, so they’ve got soccer on. Not even the local MLS team, mind you (never mind they can’t sell out their games). Because they think that local support of two teams 2+ hours’ drive away is so great that there’s no point but to play soccer on opposite.
Kirk Cousins : I feel really bad for you if you drafted him as your fantasy QB1
hahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha
that chucklefuck is being paid $20M
That’s a special pass from a special QB
YOU LIKE THAT???
GODDAMNIT KIRK
Okay then–pozole is in the slow cooker. Back to footbaw. What’d I miss?
I’m calling Jacoby Brissett BLACK TAWMMY!
DAHHK TAHHMMY fixed it for you
Smokey.
Jordan Reed: Good at teh footballing.
Kirk Cousins: meh
http://1.images.comedycentral.com/images/shows/colbert_report/videos/season5/05107/cr_05107_02_v6.jpg
“Teams are now kicking it shorter to the goal line and swarming the returner to tackle him inside the 20”.
Yes Greg Gumbel, because NO OTHER TEAM IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF THE NFL HAS NEVER USED THAT STRATEGY before moving the kickoffs back to the 25.
Haha, I was surprised that Doctson was in, but apparently Dallas hasn’t noticed yet!
Holy shit. Is that Buick commercial seriously Matthew McConaughey doing the Lipton plunge into a pool?
What the fuck? They’re paying him for this? They think that’ll help them sell cars?
I thought he whored for Lincoln
The best thing about RZ is no ads.
Seven hours of fitbaw.
Zero minutes of ads.
You need it.
Best 50 dollars I spend all year.
Can’t buy it. They won’t sell it to me.
DACHSUND FUCK YEAH
This is a fugly game.
New York Giants “Not very good at red zone offense”