Your “Heeeeeeee’s Baaaaaaaack!” Sunday Afternoon NFL Open Thread

Today has the makings of a memorable day, doesn’t it? So much going on! [sounds of enthusiastic slurping can be heard in background] NFL meal-ticket and Orange Wonder-supporter, Tahmmy Boy returns under center, baseball playoffs throughout the day and a debate of some sort later on this evening. [slurping sound grows louder] Do you hear that? God, that’s distracting! Where was I? Right, get all your little errands and chores out of the way early folks because there’s plenty… [slurping reaches 140 decibels] I can hardly think. Where is that sound coming from? OH MY GOD! IT’S COMING FROM INSIDE THE TV! Help…me… To…The…Games… [collapses]

NE/Cle-TOM BRADY IS BACK!!! If you’re not a fan of vivisection you may want to catch another game. Although te Gronk, wr Edelman and rb Blount are all ouch-infested, it won’t matter much against a bunch of Brownies. Time for a sneaky good game from wr Hogan? You could do worse.

Phi/Det-Te Ertz is finally back from a rib booboo and you should throw him in there if you have him. The Lions rank dead last in defending that position. Rook qb Wentz is throwing at a 65% clip and has yet to turn the ball over. I expect that’ll change today but not because Detroit is sound defensively-it’s just that confident rooks tend to try to do things that they shouldn’t. It’s nice being right every once in a while. I wrote somewhere else that wr Tate would struggle with the wr1 mantle after Megatron goes back to his home planet. Tate has amassed all of 95 yards in a particularly pass-happy O so far this year. Look for him to bounce back as D’s turn their attention to the team’s real threat, Marvin Jones Jr.

Chi/Ind-Two 1-3 teams battle for not-supremacy of anything. The Colts give up an average of 31 points a game while the Bears are struggling to the tune of 16 per. Luck and Co. should easily get into the mid-thirties while Hoyer should be able to put up 3 scores against Indy’s travesty of a D. I’ll go 36-21 for the blue unis here.

Ten/Mia-Another battle of 1-3 ‘teams’. Starting qb’s Tanny and Mariota have both thrown 5 picks each so the one that protects the ball better should come out the winner. The Titans own the #4 rushing O in the league and little else. Their leading wr, Rishard Matthews has a whopping 180 yards on only 12 recepts. That’s only 3 per game-man, that’s bad! On the other side wr Landry continues to be the Fins lone offensive weapon. He’s got 375 yds and 1 TD.

Was/Bal-Cousins could have the time of his life if he throws on cb Wright for the majority of the game. Of the seven TD’s allowed by the Ravens, six have been directed at Wright. Rb West looks to build on his 113 yd, 1 TD performance last week even though fellow rb Dixon will be eased back into the lineup. Someone, anyone, performing well on the Baltimore O would take some heat off OC Trestman.

Hou/Min-This looks to be the fixture of this time slot though how each of the O’s is going to put points on the board is a mystery to me. Minny is now down wr Diggs who is out with groin problems. Perhaps it’s time for wr Patterson to finally show up? The smart money says an emphatic, “NO!”. Houston has the #1 ranked pass D anyway. I’d venture that the D that generates the most turnovers squeaks out the W.

NYJ/Pit-BUMBLEBEE UNIFORMS! Apparently they’re being thrown in a dumpster after this game because orphans in Haiti were quoted as saying, “Nah, you can keep them”. Speaking of not looking good-The Jetskis! Thanks to his recent struggles, qb FitzHarvard is trending towards a 16 TD, 40 Intercept season. One for the record books! Sure-handed wr Enunwa has made the most of his opportunity with Decker being on the sidelines-he’s 10th in the league with a 72% catch rate. Qb Big Ben (who the hell has time to make sure his last name is spelled properly? Not me) shares the league lead with 11 TD’s tossed, 4 of which have gone to wr Brown who shares the league lead in that category. I think the Steelers romp in this one.

Now that’s done. TYPE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER TYPED BEFORE!