You want, nay, DEMAND wake until passout Lesser Footy…and by gum, you gets it today.

Sometimes the breakfast fixture is worth skipping, but Chelski hosting Leicester (7:30 EST, NBCSN) is a solid opener, especially after such a long starvation diet. Our defending champion Foxes need to string some wins together if they want to remain in European contention, and that’s a must if they are to be seen as anything but a one-off. The more evil blue side, on the other hand, bring up the back end of the current Top Seven, and everyone seems to agree they will stay somewhere in there all season. STILL NOT CONVINCED.

Man City host Everton in the spotlight match of the 10:00 window (NBCSN), and let’s just say FUCK SPURS for delivering the wake up call two weeks ago and stopping the light blue unbeaten run. City are still in first, 4 points ahead of the 5th place Toffees, who may be without stud striker Romelu Lukaku. Suffice to say…a thrashing is likely at hand. Arsenal/Swans are on CNBC if so, along with Spurs/West Brom (and a few complete garbage games) on Extra Time.

Hammers/Palace get big NBC at 12:30, but with the Hammers still in the relegation zone (and Palace a surprising 8th), JV NFL seems a better option.

Your Sunday funday double-dip is Boro/Watford (8:30) and Soton/Burnley (11:00), each on NBCSN. I will let the Pet Shop Boys speak for all Lesser Footy fans here:

Monday Night Lesser Footy makes up for the disappoint with what the Brits call “a real cracker” between two evil pieces of shit, as 4th position Liverpool (aka the Shite) host 6th position Man United (aka Manure). Giant Meteor, and humanity writ large, will lose as always.

To the JV ranks we descend, and not much depth to choose from, I am afraid…

NC State at Clemson (Noon, ABC)

Watch this hapless slaughter and be reminded there is no God but BLEERGH. And we all know there may be justice there…but never any mercy for the weak. At least I have last week (see featured pic).

Werst Virginia at Texas Tech (Noon, FS1)

Oh, you wanted a game that’s actually FUN to watch, and not just a sociological experiment as to one’s capacity to endure images of savagery? Go with this one. Should be pretty decent, in that random, high-scoring Big 12 way.

Alabama at Tennessee (3:30, CBS)

Remember, if this one starts to get ugly…it’s TENNESSEE, so anything could happen in the 2nd half. Plus, there’s shit all else. And I really, truly mean it.

Ole Miss at Arkansas (7:00, ESPN)

It seems like there are 1-2 SEC West “eliminator” type fixtures every week, but there are only 7 teams, and Roll Damn Tide and Team Bonfire Cult are unblemished so that makes no mathematical sense. But here we are again, ain’t we?? I like Johnny Reb here, but that means nothing.

Ohio State at Wisconsin (8:00, ABC)

TWO top-10 teams!!! Try to contain your erections, ppl.

UCLA at Washington State (10:30, ESPN)

Easy choice for West Coast/insomniac/tweaker action, after Wazzu went into Palo Alto and burnt that tree TO THE GROUND. Now you can squint a little and see national ramifications in this November’s Apple Cup, can’t you? But, as Mike Leach would surely note, let’s not go sucking each other’s dicks quite yet. 2-0 ain’t 8-0. Shit, it ain’t even 3-0…and UCLA is nobody’s idea of a pushover. I wouldn’t be surprised if this turned out to be the best fixture of the day.

And since it worked for them last week, we go back to teh sexy Lady Coug action…