Room at the Top (of the Table)? Weekend Lesser Footy Fall Splosion!

Oh yeah, we is going full 80s cheese mode to illustrate the Man City/Arseholes/Shite three way currently in progress, with Chelski and Spurs jacking it just a point back. That is some parity going on.

Did you own this cassingle? If not this, then which? I had several Duran Duran, or “D Squared” as the REALLY cool kids would say. Especially the soundtrack leads. Really liked “A View to A Kill.” Though I did own Adam’s “Goody Two Shoes” I believe. Used to get ’em for 99 cents to $1.49, we sure ’nuff did!! Now git off a mah lawn…

Good news! Unless you are a cursed Arsenal fan like Horatio, you can sleep in! No need to watch the snuff porn of their visit to lowly Sunderland (7:30, NBCSN).

In the meh 10:00 window, NBCSN features Manure hosting Burnley, because of course they do. Coming off a 4-nil thrashing at the hands of Chelski, they certainly have much to prove. Starting to look like missing out on Europe might be a trend for them. CNBC gets a much better fixture, with Foxy Footy heading to White Hart Lane to face Spurs. Our defending champion Foxes are doing surprisingly well in Champions League round robin play, but 12th in the League won’t make for a return trip even to Europa. City and West Brom lead the pack of Extra Time matches.

11th position Palace host the fucking Shite on big NBC at 12:30. DO. NOT. WATCH.

Sunday Funday seems off, and it is because England “falls back” a week earlier than we do. So the Lesser Footy (NBCSN) AND the London Greater Footy (Fox) Game both kick off at 9:30 am. I will need BOTH laptops and the teevee box going, as Everton (still clinging to 6th position) host a disappointing West Ham side that have finally climbed out of the relegation zone, at least. I’m not particularly optimistic, given the Blues recent form, but these have tended to be matches to remember recently. Giant-drawing Soton host Chelski, and will look to finish what they started this week, but the noon kickoff (NBC) is less than favourable for the American casual fan. Oh well.

Back to the JV ranks we go…

West Virginia at Oklahoma State (Noon, Fox)

Oh, Alfred Kinsey could have a field day with this one. Cousinfuckers vs. orange paddle BDSM enthusiasts. This feels like a game that should only be played like at 9 pm.

WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!

/creepy Okie with paddle: “Oh we are…”

Also, the game itself should be very high scoring, in that classic 10-team Big 12 way. As much back end defense as a Fire Island after-party.

Michigan at Michigan State (Noon, ESPN)

Sparty is awful this year, don’t actually view this shitshow. Just remember that (i) this wretched team STILL beat Notre Dame in South Bend, and (ii) beat Harbs in Ann Arbor last year like this:

With like NO TIME LEFT. This will always be one of the bestest things that has EVAR happened in the history of the universe. It’s right up there with toppling Hitler.

Washington at Utah (3:30, FS1)

Yeah, little old FS1 has the best fixture of the day. Endless commercials for that asshole windbag and his talking horse co-host. But Team Secular Big Love and the regular season-ending Apple Cup are the Huskies’ biggest obstacles to playoff qualification. Lamar! watches and sticks pins in his many voodoo dolls. UCLA’s backup, Gentile QB threw the ball all over Utah last week, but Washington is more of a running team. SUPER interesting matchup.

Texas Tech at TCU (3:30, ESPN2)

Hey, you like FUN, dontcha? First team to 60 wins. This will be like the Cousinfucker/BDSM game on acid. With lots of blood from the Bloodeyes FOAR the Bloodeyes God.

Nebraska at Wisconsin (7:00, ESPN)

People will insist that we take the corn weirdos serious until they lose a game. So…tonight.

Auburn at Ole Miss (7:15, SECN)

Auburn keeps surprising me, week after week, but Johnny Reb is a wounded bear, cornered at home. Dangerous trap to be walking into. If’n Aubie wins here, I will start to think even the Iron Bowl could be up for grabs.

Clemson at Florida State (8:00, ABC)

This would be a lot more interesting had State made their chip shot FG and beat the Tiggers. Then, this would be the de facto ACC championship game, with FSU as Ville’s stand-in. Alas, it’s now a game Clemson can likely afford to lose, though I doubt they will. This is a matchup of two of the stupidest coaches in America, watch all the sideline shots of mouth breathing. Very Forrest Gump-like.

Washington State at Oregon State (10:45, ESPN2)

This should be a rout for Leach and company, but our late night/tweaker options are bleak. At least we can make “Cougs Feast on Beavers” jokes aplenty!