Hippo Salutes Leighton Baines, Bedlam, and Other Lesser Footy Nonsense

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

Sometimes, I really have a hard time getting out of bed, even with a full day of footy lying ahead. It is very easy to be as cynical about footy as it is life in general. Then, you read an article like this and boom, one falls in love all over again. What great tidbits – “1 in 15” are your stereotypical badboy headcases, but the rest are quite normal. In fact, as Bainesy waxes philosophically (but not accustorically, for he is SO VERY ENGLISH), maybe they would like to show the fans just how human they are, but are a little gunshy of the judgmental media spotlight.

Baines is having a subpar season on the pitch, but importantly, he has never complained how Everton refused to let him go when David Moyes very publicly recruited him to join him at Manchester United. A few months later, Leighton got injured, and the window for advancement in the football world closed forever. But Baines loves his city, as he walks unfamiliar back alleys clicking photographs. He grew up loving Everton, and the only regrets he expresses are for the trophies not won, the Champions League runs not made. In that sense, Everton failed him. But he’d probably do the English equivalent of telling you to go fuck yourself if you suggested as much. You know, politely shake his head no.

Anyway, he’s also cool as fuck. He could wear windbreaker, sunglasses, and dad jeans and still fit right in with Arctic Monkeys’ Alex Turner. Because he’s Leighton Fucking Baines.

Oh yeah, there are totes actual fixtures that get the blood moving this weekend, too. How about the Saturday hangover coffee game (7:30, NBCSN) being City hosting Chelski, oh, with only first fucking place on the line? To be fair, Chelsea only need a point to stay up top (though the Shite could then go 1st with a win on Sunday), but a win on enemy soil would be a massive fucking statement. No doubt, this is the match of the season so far, as I believe these two sides have established themselves as the main title contenders.

Record that if you must, because the rest of Saturday is a dog. If you insist, NBCSN has Spurs/Swans, CNBC has Palace/Soton at 10. 4th position Arsenal slum it with 16th place (which is an improvement for them) West Ham at 12:30 on big NBC. As you know, 4th place is sacrosanct for Arsene Wenger, and he will die to defend it.

Sunday holds some promise for at least mild fun-day, with an MSNBC doubleheader of Shite at 12th position Bournemouth (8:30), with somehow-still-in-7th Everton travelling to Old Trafford trying not to step in too much 6th position Manure (11:00). As aforementioned, Liverpool could find themselves back in first if fixture-of-the-season ends in a draw, so all good hearted sports fans are Cherries supporters early. Thankfully, fatass Wayne Rooney will be suspended, and not able to embarrass his boyhood club with a Manure-record goal. Remarkably, Everton would go to 6th with a win, because the “Special One” has been just that shitty. Despite the Herculean efforts of Juan Mata, the player the dumbass manager didn’t want.

Monday Night Footy (3:00, NBCSN) is a dreadful Hull/Middlesbrough mashup. If you miss work for this, you need help.

Sadly, this is the last true full Lesser Footy Saturday. Drink it in deeply, for you will miss it when it is soon gone…

Oklahoma State at Oklahoma (12:30, Fox)

Goddamn, this is a good rivalry game nickname. Unfortunately, this is unlikely to be for a playoff ducat. But still…BEDLAM!!!

Baylor at West Virginia (3:30, FS1)

First game that qualifies as “meaningless yet still kinda fun.” Cousinfuckers could win 10 in the regular season, sure ’nuff!

Florida vs. Alabama (4:00, CBS)

Poor Gators, neither Tim Tebow nor his eyeblack tears shall save ye today. Hope you lubed your rectums…

San Diego State vs. Wyoming (7:45, ESPN)

How is Boise State not involved in this little ditty? RECOUNT!!

Clemson vs. Virginia Tech (8:00, ABC)

I don’t wanna say VPI is hopeless in this fixture…but they are totes hopeless in this fixture.

Wisconsin vs. Penn State (8:00, Fox)

Good news – neither tOSU nor Meeeechigan are involved in the B1G title game! Bad news? How strongly do ya feel about paedos??

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Fronkenshteen

Garçon @ AZ, M. Wilson vs SF, Smiff Sr. @ Mia, or Dixon @ Mia. Pick one.

/ I know no one cares

Fronkenshteen

BOURNEMOUTH!!!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I’m having trouble sleeping on this couch. What’s up east coast?

Fronkenshteen

Coffee’s on.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

All the DFO night owls are in Vegas just getting warmed up, aren’t they?

laserguru

Oh yeah.
Turns out there’s a goddamn rodeo some such shit in town. I’ve never seen more goddamn cowboy hats in my fucking life.

I just won 40 bucks playing video poker at the bar in Excalibur with the Wee Baby Seamus, Rikki and the right Reverend. Dok and inanimate carbon rod Marinelli stayed at Mandalay. Dinner was fucking awesome but everywhere we go there’s country fucking music.
Don’t go to Vegas during rodeo!

Oh look, shots!

Fronkenshteen

Yup
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JustStopDude
JustStopDude

How do white people raise their kids? I asked this. Cause I just got chance with the delinquency of a minor and the girl is 20.

Senor Weaselo

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JustStopDude
JustStopDude

“Charged” stupid auto-correct….

Senor Weaselo

That is a good question though. She’s an adult so it shouldn’t be delinquency of a minor, even if it’s… something more than “hmm, this isn’t good.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Did you literally get charged or did someone allege without contacting authorities?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Very shelteredly

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The lady went to bed, so I snuck out to my neighbor’s house. He’s drunk as fuck and I’m making us sazeracs to contribute to the cause.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

JustStopDude said below:

“Two titty bars and a Norfolk dog fight later…”

THAT IS GOLD! I am stealing this line.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Baltimore Saturday.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Sup around here?

Senor Weaselo

Finally listening to the Hamilton Mixtape because of course I am.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I am not able to throw anybody off their anger game.

I am also higher than giraffe pussy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*Stolen from Jeff Ross.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Tis an excellent line.

Shogun Marcus

I have no anger. I have reached chillness.
/it might be time to consider the thermostat
//midnight toilet ice nut splash is no joke
///midnight toilet ice nut splash…band name or drink?

Senor Weaselo

I’m gonna say drink.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

You rape children. Go fuck yourself Penn State.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

A Bronx Tale… musical?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Shogun Marcus

Glad they caught fogle after his test runs.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Dammit Whisc’y, you had one job…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Drunkest bus station.

Guy noticed my military tats

“That’s for your service”

“Piss off”

“So navy man”

Fucking Roanoke.

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

Cover in OT?

Senor Weaselo

Definitely the over in OT.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Aquaman was a little too anxious on his wedding night.