Hippo Salutes Leighton Baines, Bedlam, and Other Lesser Footy Nonsense

Sometimes, I really have a hard time getting out of bed, even with a full day of footy lying ahead. It is very easy to be as cynical about footy as it is life in general. Then, you read an article like this and boom, one falls in love all over again. What great tidbits – “1 in 15” are your stereotypical badboy headcases, but the rest are quite normal. In fact, as Bainesy waxes philosophically (but not accustorically, for he is SO VERY ENGLISH), maybe they would like to show the fans just how human they are, but are a little gunshy of the judgmental media spotlight.

Baines is having a subpar season on the pitch, but importantly, he has never complained how Everton refused to let him go when David Moyes very publicly recruited him to join him at Manchester United. A few months later, Leighton got injured, and the window for advancement in the football world closed forever. But Baines loves his city, as he walks unfamiliar back alleys clicking photographs. He grew up loving Everton, and the only regrets he expresses are for the trophies not won, the Champions League runs not made. In that sense, Everton failed him. But he’d probably do the English equivalent of telling you to go fuck yourself if you suggested as much. You know, politely shake his head no.

Anyway, he’s also cool as fuck. He could wear windbreaker, sunglasses, and dad jeans and still fit right in with Arctic Monkeys’ Alex Turner. Because he’s Leighton Fucking Baines.

Oh yeah, there are totes actual fixtures that get the blood moving this weekend, too. How about the Saturday hangover coffee game (7:30, NBCSN) being City hosting Chelski, oh, with only first fucking place on the line? To be fair, Chelsea only need a point to stay up top (though the Shite could then go 1st with a win on Sunday), but a win on enemy soil would be a massive fucking statement. No doubt, this is the match of the season so far, as I believe these two sides have established themselves as the main title contenders.

Record that if you must, because the rest of Saturday is a dog. If you insist, NBCSN has Spurs/Swans, CNBC has Palace/Soton at 10. 4th position Arsenal slum it with 16th place (which is an improvement for them) West Ham at 12:30 on big NBC. As you know, 4th place is sacrosanct for Arsene Wenger, and he will die to defend it.

Sunday holds some promise for at least mild fun-day, with an MSNBC doubleheader of Shite at 12th position Bournemouth (8:30), with somehow-still-in-7th Everton travelling to Old Trafford trying not to step in too much 6th position Manure (11:00). As aforementioned, Liverpool could find themselves back in first if fixture-of-the-season ends in a draw, so all good hearted sports fans are Cherries supporters early. Thankfully, fatass Wayne Rooney will be suspended, and not able to embarrass his boyhood club with a Manure-record goal. Remarkably, Everton would go to 6th with a win, because the “Special One” has been just that shitty. Despite the Herculean efforts of Juan Mata, the player the dumbass manager didn’t want.

Monday Night Footy (3:00, NBCSN) is a dreadful Hull/Middlesbrough mashup. If you miss work for this, you need help.

Sadly, this is the last true full Lesser Footy Saturday. Drink it in deeply, for you will miss it when it is soon gone…

Oklahoma State at Oklahoma (12:30, Fox)

Goddamn, this is a good rivalry game nickname. Unfortunately, this is unlikely to be for a playoff ducat. But still…BEDLAM!!!

Baylor at West Virginia (3:30, FS1)

First game that qualifies as “meaningless yet still kinda fun.” Cousinfuckers could win 10 in the regular season, sure ’nuff!

Florida vs. Alabama (4:00, CBS)

Poor Gators, neither Tim Tebow nor his eyeblack tears shall save ye today. Hope you lubed your rectums…

San Diego State vs. Wyoming (7:45, ESPN)

How is Boise State not involved in this little ditty? RECOUNT!!

Clemson vs. Virginia Tech (8:00, ABC)

I don’t wanna say VPI is hopeless in this fixture…but they are totes hopeless in this fixture.

Wisconsin vs. Penn State (8:00, Fox)

Good news – neither tOSU nor Meeeechigan are involved in the B1G title game! Bad news? How strongly do ya feel about paedos??

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Really, this is all the SEC can put up as a second place team? Every radio announcer can’t get the dicks of all the SEC teams out of their mouth and this is the second best team?

blackroseMD1

To be fair, the SEC East was pretty bad all around this year. This would be a much better game if it were two SEC West teams, probably.

I mean, Alabama would still stomp whoever it was, but it would probably be a little more competitive.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Is this a color rush Thursday night game, or does Florida actually wear those uniforms regularly?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I just turned on the Alabama game in time to see them score. I am rooting for Nick Saban to give the entire team AIDS somehow even if they are gonna win.

Spanky Datass
Unsurprised

Weird seeing the affirmative action cheerleader there.

laserguru

They just finished boarding a flight to Oakland and it was packed with Raiders fans. If Rikki had been here he probably would have ditched his Vegas trip to join in.

JustStopDude

Alabama should just punt on 3rd down from now on. All their scoring happens when the defense and special teams are on the field.

scotchnaut

Step back off that ledge, my friend. It’s not going to be that bad.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_i1vMK4XaPk

Bloody Lethal
laserguru

And because of one dipshit cocksucker I STILL have to take off my shoes, like a fucking asshole before taking a flight.

herodotus450

Hey, don’t blame Rex Ryan for that

scotchnaut

Careful, yeah-this is Fozz territory.

laserguru

It’s an anger centric site.
I feel better already.

Bloody Lethal
entropy

I am not a fan of the Rolling Stones. I am a fan of Kristen Stewart. That’s really all you need to know, now go enjoy:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEuV82GqQnE&feature=youtu.be

scotchnaut

Huggy Bear’s team beats the Cavs on their own court.

WCS

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JustStopDude

I have to go to a company party tonight. I get a lot of shit for being one of the people in the office that never participates with shit. Like I refuse to do anything with the fucking United Way.

There will be booze…but its one of those settings were you got to be insanely careful with the drinking….even though my coworkers are going to just make me want to get instantly shitfaced.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

What do you have against the United Way?

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/united-way/n12129

Wakezilla

It’s nice to see the Huskies being relevant again. I hope they don’t follow their current trend of the past 20 years where once they get good, they get caught paying their players or academically cheat. Stupid boosters not willing to bribe the NCAA like the SEC

Wakezilla

You know the best thing about Stampeders losing last week? Calgary has a ton of Seahawks fans. So not only do they have to deal with Beef Mo not getting the ball on the 2, they now have to live with Maple Beef Mo not getting the ball on the 2.

That’ll otta shut those lil SOBs up!

scotchnaut

Basketball-wise, Virginny/West Virginny is worth a looky-loo.

Senor Weaselo

Maple Beef Moe’s just bout that action… eh?

litre_cola

I live here, and you sir, and very, very correct. Huzzah!!

Horatio Cornblower

So I’m on my way to a hcokey game and we stop ar the new Stubborn Beauty brewey in Mivdlwtoqn and it tuena out that there’s a second brewery, Forest City, ” loke 2 door down aND a griled cheese truckbetwwn them and I’m on my 8th beer (got a driver) -and I don’t think we’4e go na see hockey

ballsofsteelandfury

Banner quote

scotchnaut

Horatio getting in early on Drunkmas…

Don T

Oh my god man! Here
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laserguru

Very nice W for UCLA.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have a plane to catch.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Apropos of nothing, I think the “WHO WANT TO SEX MUTOMBO” story is my favorite random athlete story of all time.

Don T
JustStopDude

This is depressing…

http://www.baltimoresun.com/business/bs-bz-lexington-market-plan-20161202-story.html

I grew up in the area. Lexington Market is a pretty neat place. I used to hang out there a lot and its one of the places that I always visit with my dad when I am in town. The raw bar and fried chicken livers are awesome.

Johns Hopkins has been buying up property all around it and its just a matter of time before they demolish the place. The sad thing is for poor people, the street markets in Baltimore are pretty much the ONLY place you can get fresh fruits and vegetables at a decent price. For a long time, it was either the street markets or the local booze store with junk food.

Now that Baltimore is getting taken over by rich kids from the burbs, they are finally putting in grocery stores, but they are all crazy expensive chains…so the problem for poor people to get healthy food is not getting addressed at all.

The growing problem for Baltimore is that as the city becomes revitalized, the poor are getting pushed out into the suburbs that don’t have the resources or the services.

And while there is a LOT of depressed housing stock in Baltimore, the vast majority of it is held by shitbag speculators using LLC’s to get around paying taxes and maintaining the property.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Well you all may be having fun in Vegas, but I’m getting a haircut!

/fuck

scotchnaut

Will wonders never cease… I got one as well.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Guys. I am just not OK today. I am in tears at noon and I am not even sure I know why. I could beat the shit out of my abusive dad that kicked my ass daily but I probably won’t

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, man, we’re here for you. Any positive distractions today? Take the pooch for a walk? Go someplace you like and maybe write in a journal or something? I had a real shitty week last week, and music helped a little. Gotta take it small step by small step.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Actually bringing my dog out for a walk seems like a good idea.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Keep us posted.

litre_cola

Yeah dude, take pup for a walk, long one if it isn’t winter like here! Go to the local and watch footbaw, anything to escape the dark places my friend.

Gratliff

Blackhawks are in Philly today, but Crawford is getting an emergency appendectomy. So the hawks have signed a former Temple goalie (yes, really) as an emergency backup. He’s on the bench in a temple mask, with “Philly strong” written across the back.

Shogun Marcus

It would appear all the worry about Navy wreaking havoc on the bowl picture was for naught thus far. DAMNIT NAVY. ONE JOB, YOU HAD IT!
/ok actually two
//defending the nation higher priority
///but still

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

They had three, being the gayest of the military branches was all them too.

WCS

Welcome to Drumpf’s MURICKA, where being the boss of a massive, widespread rape culture gets you a new jorb in less than three months:

http://www.espn.com/college-football/story/_/id/18193759/houston-cougars-interview-five-candidates-including-lane-kiffin-les-miles-art-briles

entropy

I may have hit the freezer vodka early today.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUsNMPdBQ1k

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I can’t find the original Conan/Stewart/Colbert writers strike fight without some asshole adding something to it. You aren’t talented guy who managed to upload a video.

litre_cola

Fulham 5 – Reading 0. (Yes I am a ffc fan)

Better than Ohio State vs reading amirite?????

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Don T

I left it at MC 1 – 0 CHE. Fucking chores.
Love, LOVE the Mou hate. Special One. Pffft. He’s a high maintenance cock.
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ALXMAC
ALXMAC
JustStopDude

The English equivalent of telling you to go fuck yourself is a headbutt, a knife in the kidneys, and a solid beatdown 20 on one.

I have no clue where your magical England is.

ALXMAC
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Is that not everyone’s normal morning?

laserguru

The progression of life:

Early 20’s me runs home grabs jacket, pats wallet, ensures proper supplies are on hand, hops on motorcycle, rides an average of 95 MPH to Vegas and books cheapest, shit motel room possible while preparing to gamble for 36 hours straight.

Current me packs sensible carry-on, ensures proper meds are packed, gets a solid 8 hours of sleep prior, checks wallet, informs bank and credit card company of upcoming travel plans, books an elegant yet reasonable suite with a view of the Strip, eats a balanced breakfast, takes an Uber to the airport and prepares for a lovely time and a delicious meal while waiting until 7 PM before first drink then proceed to drinking and gambling for 5 hours followed by an 8 hour sleep and then a visit to the fitness center before a breakfast of fruit, yogurt and oatmeal.

God I miss being in my 20’s.

laserguru

The 36 hour gambling marathon included no food, just a periodic trip to the men’s room to blaze a line before returning to the table.
Christ I could chew through barbed wire back then.

Now my digestive tract feels like I spent an earlier decade chewing through barbed wire.

entropy

When I was in my 20s, I ensured the “proper meds” were packed, too, but somehow I still doubt we’re talking about the same things.

laserguru

No, we’re speaking the same language here.

ALXMAC
ALXMAC
BrettFavresColonoscopy

That was too good. I hope it ran after Rickman died.

ALXMAC
ALXMAC
BrettFavresColonoscopy

As I’m currently teetering between “obese” and “morbidly obese,” I’m off to work out for the first time in a while. Music suggestions?

ALXMAC

80’s Metallica and 90’s NIN always make me put the pedal to the metal:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iprm5f78CA0

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Thanks. I wasn’t angry enough for this but will save it for any other time in life.

ALXMAC

Do you even Lift bro?

ALXMAC
Don T

The in-house brick wall playlist is very kickass.
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/category/ksk-radio/dfo-radio/

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hippo, that intro was a fanfuckingtastic piece of writing. Great work.

ALXMAC
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

No one loves me so I am part of group 2. Watching A Knight’s Tale which is a great movie. Heath Ledger, Paul Bettany, Mark Addy and Alan Tudyk as a buddy comedy. How was this not more of a hit?

Horatio Cornblower

HOOLIGANISM!!!

Horatio Cornblower

Eden Hazard is kinda good….

theeWeeBabySeamus

Greeting from Vegas, fuckers.
On a completely unrelated note, I haven’t slept and might be kinda drunk

DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!!!

scotchnaut

Is being with fellow DoorHeads a helluva drug?

Don T

So everything’s according to plan, no?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Meh…not really. But the alternate plan wasn’t terrible either. 😉

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