Scene: Exterior, late morning on a crisp, unseasonably warm December day in DC. An exciting weekend of football has been completed, as long as you can find “excitement” in missed field goals/extra points, a snowy Bears-49ers game that saw two NFL teams fail to complete a pass in the first quarter for the first time in 28 years, and the Cowboys clinching a playoff spot on the strength of a loss by a division rival, the WASHINGTON [REDACTEDS]. Yet despite that grim portent and the general mood in a city awaiting a President who received fewer votes than the number of DC residents voting AGAINST statehood, there is hope in our nation’s capital. Hope that Captain Kirk is the answer at quarterback, finally leading a potent offense in DC/Landover, Maryland. Hope that the other Gruden can provide some stability at head coach, and hope that this team can sneak into the playoffs. Even some hope for the [REDACTEDS] themselves, in light of some positive coverage of how we have misunderstood those who defend their name. Perhaps we’ve misjudged this team, and its fans. Perhaps they’re all good people and deserve our support and rooting interest. Perhaps their brand of football is true and right, and we should pull for them as they travel to Philadelphia and take on the Eagles this weekend to keep their playoff hopes alive. Perhaps they–
/ROAD FLIES OPEN; ASSHOLE CUTS IN FRONT OF OMNISCIENT NARRATOR IN CHEVY WITH MASSIVE [REDACTEDS’] LOGO, BACKWARDS “PURE DOPE” STICKERS YET FORWARDS “NO FAT CHICKS” STICKERS
Nah, fuck these guys.