Your ‘Break Glass in Case of Emergency’ Because Scotchy Went A-Huntin’ Monday Night Open Thread.

Detroit (-7.5) at Dallas

Dallas takes on Detroit in the House That Jerry Built With A Big Assist From Public Funds That Could Undoubtedly Have Been Put To Much Better Use But Fuck That Have You Seen How Big Our Video Screens Are?

The Cowboys come in at 12-2, having found a way to beat everyone in the NFL not led by a juice-box sucking savant. Dak and Ezekiel, one going by a shortened form of his middle name because his real first name was too confusing, the other named after an Old Testament figure of some sort, which is relevant because that Old Testament is about the same time the Cowboys were this relevant in the post-season discussion, have led the Cowboys to the NFC East title and a first round bye. They also have home-field advantage clinched for however long they stay alive, (Two games. Those fuckers will stay alive for two games), thanks to that same juice-box sucking savant’s inability to distinguish between green and white during his last game.

The Lions come in at 9-5. They have clinched nothing, but can clinch a play-off spot if they beat Dallas. Next week they play Green Bay for the NFC North, (‘Winter is Comin’) title, so they actually have two chances to make the post-season. I’m not really sure you can say the Lions are ‘led’ by anyone so much as they played in a division with the Vikings and Bears and had a relatively easy schedule. They’ve gone 8-2 in their last 10 games but did so against teams that were falling apart, (Vikings, (2x), Eagles, Redacteds), or never really were, (Bears, (who beat the Lions 17-14 earlier in the season, a loss that may haunt them very soon), Jaguars), while losing to the Giants and Texans, the latter team even of dubious existence!

The call here is that the Lions, if not actually winning the game, will cover the spread. The most obvious reason being that the Cowboys have literally nothing to play for: They already have home field throughout and one more win won’t improve that. This week we’ve seen Derek Carr, Marcus Mariota and Tyler Lockett, (or is it Eugene? Whatever), break their legs and end their seasons. The Cowboys saw that to and while their ownership may be made up of some of the most reprehensible reptile-human hyrbids this side of the New York City subway system they are not stupid. I’d be stunned if Elliott played more than a half. They might give Prescott a little more time but I’m expecting to hear “You’ve got Romo!” over the Jerry World PA system before the third quarter is over.

The Lions, on the other hand, have everything to play for and no reason to leave anything on the field. They’re not as good as Dallas and in a straight match-up would probably lose by at least 2 TDs but this isn’t going to be a straight match-up and I’m pretty sure the Lions first stringers are good enough to beat Dallas’s second string.

Also, and this is the kiss of death for Dallas, I currently lead Cuntler by some 18 points in the OSZ-League championship. I have exhausted my scoring while Cuntler has Fat Matt Stafford waiting in the wings. Probably while eating wings. I am favored to win by, I’m not kidding here, .11. That’s according to Yahoo. There can be no clearer combination of things pointing to Stafford going for 312 yards, 3 TDs and a rushing TD than that.

LESSER SPORTING OPTIONS

Nothing. There is literally nothing else on tonight. The NBA doesn’t count; the blew their wad yesterday and no one in their right mind is going to watch Celtics-Knicks or Hornets-Nets.

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jjfozz

I don’t believe in new year’s resolutions, i believe in goal setting. So here they are for 2017.

1. Get more parkour involved with my daily life.
2. Befriend a bunch of wasps. Recruit a few and train them to be an elite fighting force. Order them to fly up Trump’s nose and sting him to fucking death.
3. Have liver removed, vacuumed, dry cleaned, and put back into body.
4. Perform an act of mercy by strangling a Browns fan before training camp starts.
5. Have major characters in tv show Dallas tattooed across my back.

Romonobyl

The new Dallas or the original?

jjfozz

Original. Victoria Principal used to carbonate my hormones.

King Hippo

can you run your liver through your dishwasher? asking FOAR a friend

litre_cola

This Browns fan you speak of, will you have to leave Balmore to find it?

JustStopDude

“Parkor”….that’s paying for sex while sitting in a metered parking space right?

Recovery Whiskey

One of the many things not to like about Dallas’ return to competency is the lack of angry/annoyed Jerry Jones shots.

JustStopDude

I am always amazed by one thing about Detroit…I run into so many people that claim to be from there. I do a lot of work in the Great Lakes area and all the fucking time, people will tell me there are from Detroit…I ask where….and they tell me a suburb in Indiana.

Itd away white people that do this. Like they want credit for being hard…like Detroit hard. Similarly, you know most of the graffiti in Detroit is from rich white teenagers from the burbs? Same with the piles of tires and abandoned boats in the black neighborhoods.

Recovery Whiskey

People claim to be from Chicago all the time, you ask what neighborhood, and they come back with some shitty suburb in DuPage County

Unsurprised

Losers will always be losers

litre_cola

2 white guy running back td’s for Detroit?

Romonobyl

They’re taking over!!!!

JustStopDude

Say what you will…the dude that looks like a thumb pulls no punches…

Romonobyl

I guess at least the Dallas D knows this is a meaningless game.

Romonobyl

Elimination of my fave takeout pizza and two beers was successfully accomplished. I hope to never eat rice or fish again.

Recovery Whiskey

If I were a Cowboy fan I’d be really worried Dak gets hurt tonight for no reason

Recovery Whiskey

Taiwanese animators make it to MNF?

WCS

“Pithy! That referee must’ve studied at Dartmouth, perhaps even Brown!”

King Hippo

NO! Not the safety Ivies!!

Lord Joe Don Looney

Oh my goodness. I think he is a Yalie.

litre_cola

Cameron Brate went to Harvard, a lot of people forget that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Recovery Whiskey

Traumatize your kid for facebook likes.

Curse of Marino

So between that promo for the Playoffs and the Assassins’s Creed movie, Michael K Williams has to be hard up for cash right? He was excellent in the Night Of and then I guess he decided to make dumb decisions?

JustStopDude

The animated car thing is not necessary. Just say “Detroit” and people know you are talking about dysfunction.

jjfozz

This super bowl will be dallas versus new england, and it will suck a long, tumor ridden, scab encrusted, worm filled dick

King Hippo

and it won’t even be the worst fruit that 2016 bore

Romonobyl

Your half right.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No, it’s my half.

Recovery Whiskey

Memo to Darrell Bevel, Tom Cable and Pete Carroll. This is what a fucking offensive line looks like

King Hippo

CC John Elway on that memo, will you? Enclose sugar cubes.

Romonobyl

Wasn’t Alec Baldwin leaving the country, like…years ago?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

7/10…would still bang

King Hippo

shit fire, just imagine if DAL were actually TRYING

Romonobyl

True, looks like both sides have the JV defense out.

JustStopDude

Tomorrow morning I pack up and leave Baltimore…I have off until the 3rd but to be honest, I am fucking exhausted from the holiday home rebuild. My dumbass told my sister that I had off until the new year….so naturally to start shit, she told my folks I was just ducking out early.

I swear to god you would never realize this woman has a fucking PhD, owns her own home, and has a career. Whenever we get around each other, we fucking regress to squabbling children.

Oh and this is a woman that two years ago spent the holidays with her ex-husband’s family instead of my folks (my sis got divorced over 10 years ago….) Who the fuck does that? The family are insane Hicks from the Florida panhandle.

jjfozz

Go go go!

Unsurprised

Your sister being better adjusted than me is probably what is going to make me kill myself.

Romonobyl

The new Match Game needs to die in a massive coastal flood event.

jjfozz

Alec Baldwin, if you think you can fill Gene Rayburn’s shoes, you’re fucking high.

Romonobyl

No Nipsey Russell, no Match Game.

Recovery Whiskey

“We’ve taken Gene Rayburn’s corpse and replaced it with a blank.”

Recovery Whiskey

8 states are full legal. 25 have Medical MJ. The NF of L is the tail ender here.

King Hippo

we got ourselves a hootenanny

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fuck Denver.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Dammit…..that was not me, Hippo.

King Hippo

grumble grumble ah say, THE SOUTH uh, I mean THE DONKS SHALL RISE AGAIN!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I tried to fuck Denver in the 80s; didn’t even make it through a fraction of a percent of the female population, let alone the whole city.

King Hippo

and that was when cocaine was freely available ,, ppl forget that

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yes. I didn’t take part in that.

*Except on weekends.

Romonobyl

Did I jut hear the name “Jim-Bob Cooter”?

Romonobyl

or just…

JustStopDude

So how many season ending injuries happen tonight to either team?

If I am running the Cowboys, I am throwing Room in their to lead the bench warmers after the second offensive series.

Romonobyl

I’m hoping to get my namesake on the turf before the 1st is over.

litre_cola

How many coats of stain do you have on the deck?

jjfozz

Yesterday I started drinking at 1030, a bourbon with my neighbor, I did not stop all day and showed up at my wife’s inlaws pretty much in the bag. Rambling conversations ensued. I fell asleep on the floor in a sweatshirt and my boxers.

Mission fucking accomplished.

Romonobyl

Quite the fashion statement.

Romonobyl

That was quick.

Romonobyl

If Dallas keeps their starters out more than one series I’m gonna stop paying my state taxes.

Romonobyl

He learned a lot about steel beams building the stadium.

CBQUE

How the fuck we doin boys. Just wanted to check in and hope that everyone had a great holiday. Best to all the crew in the new year provided Trump doesn’t kill us. Be well and take care.

scotchnaut

Your Pats/League Office conspiracy theories-I miss them so much.

scotchnaut

“Fuck your precious flag, America.”

-the rest of the world

CBQUE

Is it me or has ESPN been showing the anthem more since the whole Kaepernick thing? It reeks of pretentiousness.

Romonobyl

Maybe, but I was pleasantly surprised by my reception at various countries during my recent travels. including one that is predominately Islamic. They were nothing but incredibly friendly and welcoming to us. and we were nowhere near any tourist areas.

Romonobyl

This guy has nothing on me and my new vuvuzela.

Unsurprised

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Unsurprised

404’d

Romonobyl

Hoop Lives Matter, but only a very few select teams. You are quite correct with tonight’s slate of games…I’ve gone full Cutler for those match-ups.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

You got the memory of a fuckin’ fly, Stafford!

Unsurprised

Can’t imagine how he got that.
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litre_cola

Watching that Scientology thing on A and E, I am flabbergasted on how this cult is socially accepted.

How the fuck you doin boys?

King Hippo

well, somebody obvs still needs purged of HIS Thielens ,, smgdh

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I debated joining them, but Buddy was an out and out fag as is!

Croooow

NBA, NHL and MLB plays way too many regular season games. For NBA and NHL: I’d cut it down to 58 myself (All teams play each other once home and away).

King Hippo

I love how Omar from “Omar Comin’….” fame is doing the Wild Card Weekend promos this year.

Week 17 is shaping up to be a tire fire of Catler-like dooooooonnnnnn’t caaaaaaarrrrrre proportions.

scotchnaut

You had me at “The NBA doesn’t count”.

scotchnaut

GREAT WORK!

Unsurprised

I’m watching Glengarry Glenross.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4PE2hSqVnk

scotchnaut

The first time I watched that I thought it was extraordinarily intense. The second time I watched it I thought it was overwrought bullshit.

Unsurprised

The whole movie is fascinating as an allegory for American capitalism.

I just like watching Alec Baldwin act like a motherfucker back when he was younger and could really pull off those “I AM God,” Malice-like roles.

scotchnaut

As a criticism of capitalism I don’t think it will age well. But that’s just me.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Will you go to lunch, Unsurprised?

WILL YOU GO TO LUNCH ALREADY?

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