Your ‘Break Glass in Case of Emergency’ Because Scotchy Went A-Huntin’ Monday Night Open Thread.

Detroit (-7.5) at Dallas

Dallas takes on Detroit in the House That Jerry Built With A Big Assist From Public Funds That Could Undoubtedly Have Been Put To Much Better Use But Fuck That Have You Seen How Big Our Video Screens Are?

The Cowboys come in at 12-2, having found a way to beat everyone in the NFL not led by a juice-box sucking savant. Dak and Ezekiel, one going by a shortened form of his middle name because his real first name was too confusing, the other named after an Old Testament figure of some sort, which is relevant because that Old Testament is about the same time the Cowboys were this relevant in the post-season discussion, have led the Cowboys to the NFC East title and a first round bye. They also have home-field advantage clinched for however long they stay alive, (Two games. Those fuckers will stay alive for two games), thanks to that same juice-box sucking savant’s inability to distinguish between green and white during his last game.

The Lions come in at 9-5. They have clinched nothing, but can clinch a play-off spot if they beat Dallas. Next week they play Green Bay for the NFC North, (‘Winter is Comin’) title, so they actually have two chances to make the post-season. I’m not really sure you can say the Lions are ‘led’ by anyone so much as they played in a division with the Vikings and Bears and had a relatively easy schedule. They’ve gone 8-2 in their last 10 games but did so against teams that were falling apart, (Vikings, (2x), Eagles, Redacteds), or never really were, (Bears, (who beat the Lions 17-14 earlier in the season, a loss that may haunt them very soon), Jaguars), while losing to the Giants and Texans, the latter team even of dubious existence!

The call here is that the Lions, if not actually winning the game, will cover the spread. The most obvious reason being that the Cowboys have literally nothing to play for: They already have home field throughout and one more win won’t improve that. This week we’ve seen Derek Carr, Marcus Mariota and Tyler Lockett, (or is it Eugene? Whatever), break their legs and end their seasons. The Cowboys saw that to and while their ownership may be made up of some of the most reprehensible reptile-human hyrbids this side of the New York City subway system they are not stupid. I’d be stunned if Elliott played more than a half. They might give Prescott a little more time but I’m expecting to hear “You’ve got Romo!” over the Jerry World PA system before the third quarter is over.

The Lions, on the other hand, have everything to play for and no reason to leave anything on the field. They’re not as good as Dallas and in a straight match-up would probably lose by at least 2 TDs but this isn’t going to be a straight match-up and I’m pretty sure the Lions first stringers are good enough to beat Dallas’s second string.

Also, and this is the kiss of death for Dallas, I currently lead Cuntler by some 18 points in the OSZ-League championship. I have exhausted my scoring while Cuntler has Fat Matt Stafford waiting in the wings. Probably while eating wings. I am favored to win by, I’m not kidding here, .11. That’s according to Yahoo. There can be no clearer combination of things pointing to Stafford going for 312 yards, 3 TDs and a rushing TD than that.

LESSER SPORTING OPTIONS

Nothing. There is literally nothing else on tonight. The NBA doesn’t count; the blew their wad yesterday and no one in their right mind is going to watch Celtics-Knicks or Hornets-Nets.

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Croooow

Whenever the announcers praise a kicker’s accuracy, Shanklor laughs.

Spur
Romonobyl

No human being should legally be allowed to be named Jim Bob Cooter.

Spur

Jim Bob Cooter?

Spur
...

We don’t have an injury god, but if we did, I’d be making an offering to ensure many, many Cowboys are hurt after that play.

Dunstan

Perhaps not a god, but I feel like Bernard Pollard maybe deserves at least sainthood status.

Spur

X Bomb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

litre_cola

I feel an injury coming on. Did they not learn from Carr and Mariota?

Romonobyl
Croooow

Now it’s time to pull starters.

Spur

I would love for the Lions to push Aaron Rodgers shit in next week.

Dunstan

Even I’m not going to touch that line.

Mr. Ayo

Aaron is excited there’s a line

Dunstan

Ed McMahon would now like to change his catchphrase to “AYOOOOO”

Spur

The game is meaningless?

Spur

Anyone else hammered?

Romonobyl

Not very, back to the grind in the AM.

JustStopDude

WHY IS DAK WALKING TOWARDS THE HUDDLE?!?

Romonobyl

I believe a DAL/NE Superb Owl would be a fine definition of a conundrum for much of the DFO faithful. Maybe even loggerheads.

...

/picks up power drill
/turns on power drill
/drills into own skull

Recovery Whiskey
Spur
litre_cola

Asteroid hitting Reliant Stadium or whatever the fuck it is called please.

Spur

Sean Lee may be a X-Man.

Romonobyl

Um…DAK!, Zeke?
comment image?

Spur

Where are all the Cowboy haters? Saving their shade for the playoffs?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

RE; Patriots.

JustStopDude

Dear Cowboys….what fucking part of my gif did you not fucking understand?

Between shot like this and the Cleveland Browns, I am convinced that American NFL franchises consist of the richest group of morons in the world.

Unsurprised

No shit.

Spur

I like Zeke.

litre_cola
Spur

When’s Romo coming in?

Romonobyl

Should have been a quarter ago,

Spur

Int and a sack on one drive!

Romonobyl

About time.

Spur

Folks

Romonobyl

How-dee.

litre_cola

I thought so.

Romonobyl

I know it works on lost rushing yards, not sure about tossing yards.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yes. League rules may vary at your location and whether the commissioner is an idiot.

Recovery Whiskey

Screamin A is wondering how he got put on JV duty

JustStopDude

“So coach…halftime adjustments…we sit anyone?”

https://postimg.org/image/jot7jz2ul/

JustStopDude

comment image

jjfozz

Berman coming, gotta drink.

ballsofsteelandfury

I was thinking about you at the mall today. God, I hate people.

Romonobyl

I avoid malls like Hanta-aids.

litre_cola

We went at 8 this morning, I ate some weed brownies. Was real stoned by 9 am, Mrs Cola caught me gapping out a few times. At least I didn’t kill anyone.

Recovery Whiskey

“Boomer’s Final Drive” always gets my hopes up he’s announcing he has terminal cancer

ballsofsteelandfury

Done

jjfozz

“Audible for a touchdown? Maybe I should try that.”
– Joe Flacco

Recovery Whiskey

So why did CB stop turning to play the ball? Its been a few years now. But it makes no sense to me that they dont, when hand-fighting the receiver with their back to the ball is a near-certain PI

Mr. Ayo

Probably due to the face mask Dez put on him.

JustStopDude

FUCK MY ASS DEZ IS A BEAST!!!

That fucking catch….

Romonobyl

All the +1s.

JustStopDude

Throw in them Cowgirl cheerleaders in some panties and pads….

comment image

Romonobyl

Cool….we get a re-do!!!

Recovery Whiskey

Cowboy fans: would you rather lose Dak or Elliott in a meaningless game right before the playoffs?

Romonobyl

C: None of the above.

Romonobyl

Have you looked at the calendar?

Spanky Datass

D. Doug Free
This is the correct answer.

jjfozz

This NFL initiative to get more athletic trainers involved with high school sports, please tell me Peyton Manning isn’t spearheading it.

Romonobyl

If Dak and Zeke come out after the half I’m firebombing Arlington.

King Hippo

I’m wondering how much Horatio peed when DAK! got smashed by about 6 Lion defenders on that 3rd down scramble a few minutes ago.

You can blame the dog, right??

Romonobyl

I just know my asshole almost pinched down to normal size.

Don T

My summation of 2016: Thank Heavens I’m sleepy.

litre_cola

It’s the cold weather.

/remembers where you are from, fuck it, it is the constant sadness this year provided.

Recovery Whiskey

Hipster typewriters, past and present

Romonobyl

“ROMO…ROMO…”
/everybody
“ROMO…ROMO…”