The hits just keep on coming with Donald Trump. At this point, it looks like membership in only one organization qualifies you for consideration for a cabinet position:

Something tells me Pharrell doesn’t fit in with the rest of Trump’s picks.

I wonder if Trump knows it’s not a real club.

Name: Vincent Viola

Whoops.

Dammit.

Almost.

There we are.

Position proposed: Secretary of the Army

Vincent Viola on Forbes Lists:

• #374 Forbes 400 (2016)
  • #307 in 2015
• #959 Billionaires (2016)
  • #338 in United States

Born in Brooklyn, New York, Vincent J. Viola, also known as Vinnie, founded Virtu Financial, Inc. in April 2008 and has been its Executive Chairman since November 2013. Viola started the electronic-trading firm Virtu Financial in 2008. He took the company public in April 2015, touting its can’t-lose business model and the fact that it turned a profit on 1,484 of its first 1,485 days in operation. In Michael Lewis’ book “Flash Boys”, the author pointed to Virtu’s winning streak as evidence of the huge informational advantage that high-frequency traders have over other investors.

Viola graduated from the U.S. Military Academy at West Point in 1977 and later graduated from the U.S. Army Airborne, Infantry and Ranger Schools and served in the 101st Airborne Division. In 1983, he graduated from the New York Law School.

Viola serves as a Director of National Italian American Foundation and served as Director of Nymex Holdings since 1982. He was recognized by the members and the Board of Directors of the New York Mercantile Exchange for his efforts in leading the reopening of the New York Mercantile Exchange following the terrorist attacks and at the time the New York Mercantile Exchange Board presented Mr. Viola with a citation noting “his untiring efforts and inspirational guidance that resulted in the reopening of the New York Mercantile Exchange following the terrorist destruction of the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001”.

In response to the attacks, Viola conceived, founded and funded the Combating Terrorism Center at West Point. The center describes itself as “an important national resource that rigorously studies the terrorist threat and provides policy-relevant research while moving the boundaries of academic knowledge.”

Mr. Viola is the Owner of Florida Panthers Hockey Club, Ltd. and serves as its Chairman and Governor. Mr. Viola is the Owner and serves as Chairman and Governor of Sunrise Sports & Entertainment, the BB&T Center and SSE’s additional operating entities. He purchased the team in 2013.

“Whether it is his distinguished military service or highly impressive track record in the world of business, Vinnie has proved throughout his life that he knows how to be a leader and deliver major results in the face of any challenge,” Trump said in a statement.

“This great honor comes with great responsibility, and I will fight for the American people and their right to live free every day,” Viola said in a statement. “A primary focus of my leadership will be ensuring that America’s soldiers have the ways and means to fight and win across the full spectrum of conflict.”

^{(Sources: Forbes; NYTimes; Forbes; Bloomberg )}

Now, what does this have to do with [DFO]?

We’re not interested in Vinnie Viola per se. But he is the owner of a professional sports franchise. What we are interested in is determining who from the world of the NFL might be suitable for helping fill out the rest of Trump’s cabinet. Below are a list of appointed offices not yet settled with a nominee of the incoming President.

Council of Economic Advisers – the NFL Finance Committee

• Who better to advise the new President on economic matters than the owners of a salary-capped league?
  • Good luck getting that $15 minimum wage now, suckers!

Council on Environmental Quality – The Oakland Alameda County Coliseum Authority

• When you can operate an open-air sewage facility as a sports arena, you are a master of the cover-up.

Executive Residence – Art Rooney, Chairman of the Stadium Committee

• He knows what your new digs will need in order to draw in the fans tourists and keep the residence a high-value attraction landmark.

National Security Council – Tony Corrente

• Handles overseeing 124 game officials every week, so can easily handle overseeing foreign espionage.
• Knows what constitutes a secret because only he knows what constitutes a catch.

Office of Administration– Steve Bisciotti

• Runs the Allegis Group, which is now the largest privately held staffing firm in the United States and 4th in the world.
• Knows the value of low-wage employees; has access to millions of them.

Office of Management and Budget – Mike Brown

• Proven he can operate an “NFL” “team” on a CFL budget. The ‘perfect’ man to trim the Washington fat while keeping the government “operating”.

Office of National Drug Control Policy – Jim Irsay

• C’mon…

Office of Science and Technology Policy – Paul Allen

• Co-founded Microsoft, the only person or company to ever successfully stymie Bill Belichick.

• That counts more than actual strategy.

Office of the United States Trade Representative – Shahid Khan

• Has a foreign name. That plays well with the foreigners.
• A US citizen (good) in the US from particular countries (m’kay), which happen to be majority Muslim (dammit!).

Office of the United States Trade Representative – Zygi Wilf

• Backup pick in case those coattail-riding clowns in Congress don’t go with the plan.
• Also has a foreign name. That plays well with the foreigners.
• Convinced state & city government to build him a billion-dollar stadium. Proves he’s good at “The Art of the Deal”.

Domestic Policy Council – Mark Murphy, President – Green Bay Packers

• Because only the most wholesome of franchises can be entrusted to make these decisions on behalf of the American people.
  • Office of National AIDS Policy – Eliminated
  • Office of Faith-based and Neighborhood Partnerships
  • Office of Social Innovation and Civic Participation
  • White House Rural Council

National Security Advisor – Ed Hochuli

• Who better to guard the secrets than the ref with the biggest guns?

National Economic Council – Tom Benson

• A man who can turn Chevrolet dealerships into bank ownership is just the kind of man needed to rebuild industry slighted by the Obama administration after a slight economic hiccup in 2007.
  • Make America’s Banks Great Again! #MABGA

Office of Public Engagement and Intergovernmental Affairs

• The people involved need to be accomplished masters of the field
  • Office of Public Engagement – Dean Spanos
  • Council on Women and Girls – Jerry Jones
  • Office of Urban Affairs – Jerry Richardson

Advisory Boards are established to provide the President with independent information and advice from top experts in their fields. The following Advisory Boards are currently active:

• President’s Council on Jobs and Competitiveness – Rich McKay, Chairman – NFL Competition Committee
  • An accomplished promoter of league-wide parity despite the consistent return of the same teams to the playoffs. An understated bullshit artist.
• President’s Management Advisory Board – Clark Hunt
  • Inherited everything he has; family blames business bankruptcies on others. A natural fit for a Trump administration.
• White House Council for Community Solutions – Mark Davis; Stan Kroenke

• Each brings skills they have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make them a nightmare for people like you (& me).
  • Mark Davis has somehow convinced LA, Oakland and Las Vegas to all (at one point) compete for his affections team. This proves he knows how to rally a community, just not pick one.
  • Stan Kroenke solves a community’s problem by taking his problem to another community for free, while leaving the previous community a large bill for renovations.

• White House Initiative and President’s Advisory Commission on Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders -Troy Polamalu
  • Chosen not for his prowess, but for his hair. President-elect Trump appreciates a man with a thick coif.
• President’s Global Development Council – NFL Executive Vice President International Mark Waller
  • Convinced owners to put 4 games per year in London; should be able to negotiate a tax treaty with the EU.
• President’s Council of Advisors on Science and Technology (PCAST) – Virginia Halas McCaskey and Martha Ford
  • Based on the Gynoid and stem-cell research that is keeping both of these women alive.

Independent agencies of the United States federal government are those agencies that exist outside of the federal executive departments (those headed by a Cabinet secretary).

• Consumer Product Safety Commission – Dan Arment, President & CEO of Riddell, Inc.
• Environmental Protection Agency – Jimmy Haslam, CEO of the Pilot Flying J truck stop chain
• Federal Communications Commission – Brian Rolapp, President & CEO of NFL Network
• Institute of Museum Services – to be combined with NARA
• National Archives and Records Administration (NARA) – C. David Baker, President and Executive Director of the Pro Football Hall of Fame
• National Endowment for the Arts – ELIMINATED
• Pension Benefit Guaranty Corporation – ELIMINATED

And, finally, Office of Presidential Personnel, to oversee the whole operation. This, of course, would be Roger Goodell. Because who better to oversee a national disgrace than the original national disgrace.

There you have it. The circle is now complete.

When it goes south, like an immigrant being returned to Mexico, there’s plenty of fall guys. Heck, he can probably blame it on poor revenue & a lack of new facilities, convincing a good part of northeast Ohio to go piss on Art Modell’s grave out of habit. Then, like Dan Snyder, he’ll threaten to leave Washington, only you’ll be glad if he does.

But that’ll be Obama’s fault.