Your “My Kingdom For An Adequate QB!” Raiders/Texans Wildcard Battle Open Thread

Oak/Hou– If you’re a fan of defenses making signal-callers look silly, have I got a game for you. The Raiders rook Connor Cook doesn’t have much of a CV pro-wise-in his only game he threw at a 66.7% rate with one TD and one INT. That one score was to Amari Copper though. Looking back on his career at Michigan State he seems to be a pocket guy with a fair amount of accuracy. If said pocket collapses, don’t expect him to gallivant down the field. As a junior he had his highest rushing avg. which was a paltry 1.5. His strength (aside from a massive arm) appears to be his ability to go through his reads and prevent the old “happy feet” from manifesting themselves. Recently-named All-Pros lb McKinney, lb Mercilus and combo lb/de Clowney should be able to get to Cook. Mercilus and Clowney between them had an astounding 60 pressures. The Houston D ranked 2nd in the league in pass defense and of the guys mentioned above, the oldest is 26. Further good news for them is that lt Donald Penn “Protector of the Blind Side”, has been ruled out of the game.

On t’udder side of the field is the 72 million dollar throwing disaster Brock Osweiler. Looking at the many and varied stats available for the qb position I couldn’t find Brocky occupying a position any better than 27th. I found a few that had him ranked 33rd and 34th as well. You made the right choice, Elway. Houston’s O-such as it is-scored a meager 23 TD’s all year long-that’s dead last for those that can count. Hopefully rb Miller hit the weight room hard during his two game injury absence because he’s gonna have to carry the O on his shoulders and legs-I’m sure he gets 25+ carries today. If Osweiler must go to the air he’ll be dealing with a Raiders secondary (none of whom I recognize, okay maybe Demps) that has held Stafford, Rivers, Rogers and Luck to 235 yards or less. They should get at least two picks during this tilt.

It sure looks like an old-timey ‘possession is everything-win with D-heavy on the run game-don’t turn the ball over’ sort of footballing game. Sure they’ll be some play-action heaving of the ball downfield here and there but not much.

This is our first playoff game of the new year-HAVE AT IT, BOYS AND GIRLS!!!

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herodotus450

I just had to open two bags to get to my chips, and they weren’t even that good. That’s it, I’m ordering pizza!

Brick Meathook

GAIN OF SIX INCHES!

Cecil Rhodes

“That’s huge!”

-Brett Favre

fleshwound_NPG

Winner gonna get slayed like fuck by New England next week.

At least they get to see Pamela Gardner beforehandcomment image

Doktor Zymm

So, Trump said “Only stupid people think having a good relationship with Russia is a bad idea”

It’s gonna be fun watching him be the bottom in an abusive relationship for once.

King Hippo

SOMEONE BANNER THIS, FFS

JustStopDude

Exciting clock killing action in the 3rd quarter in a playoff game…

I for on, cannot fathom why NFL ratings are down…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I love how not-Mike Tirico is talking about the Texans killing the clock in the third fucking quarter.

fleshwound_NPG

Bill O’Brien is 9-7 in three straight years

A slightly better Jeff Fisher

King Hippo

like an evil twin

/the buttchin subs FOAR the moustache

Shogun Marcus

Nawt enough tenure. Yet.

Cecil Rhodes

An coach named Goatse would fit right in on Belichick’s staff.

Shogun Marcus

Grumble grumble your mom fits on my staff grumble grumble

Doktor Zymm

I figure skated as a kid, and I kinda wanted to play hockey. Mostly because I thought hockey skates were badASS, and you could probably cut off someone’s toes if you accidentally stepped on their foot

fleshwound_NPG

Hockey, one of the very few sports that you can hit another player with a stick, and if you do it right it is legal.

Doktor Zymm

I went to Filipino stick fighting for my hitting people with sticks urges

Brick Meathook

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Doktor Zymm

So I kinda want to hit up some weird European holidays. Thinking Guy Fawkes and Bastille Day to start.

Doktor Zymm

RI-SHARD? Does he hang out with Garcon?

Cecil Rhodes

This Houston Texans playbook is more conservative than Hillary Clinton’s list of sex moves.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When I think of “conservative sex moves” I lean more towards things like “hanging out in the men’s room of a Minnesota airport with a wide stance”.

fleshwound_NPG

fuck that ref, toyota

King Hippo

for a change, it was the right side of the line being swiss cheese this time

fleshwound_NPG

3rd and short

[holds ball for 6 seconds]

King Hippo

if this imaginary team had any fans, they’d be getting ahead of theyselves, being all like “if Miami can only go into Yinzburgh and win in sub-freezing temperatures, then we can avoid the P*ts another week and just play at the team that beat us 30-0 in the playoffs last season instead!!”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

In THEIR house this time!

...

And that’s the better of the two scenarios!

Cecil Rhodes

I would very much enjoy the chaos that would ensue in mass-of-two-shits if Brock Lobster beat Dreamboat in the house that Kraft built next week.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“Hey, that screen picked up 10 yards! Why don’t they just run that play every time?!?!”

–Drunk Raiders fan sitting behind us in Vegas

Doktor Zymm

“ASS HERPES!”

-Drunk me in Vegas

...

God Bless those seat pissing Cowboys.

Brick Meathook

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

What’s he pointing at?

Croooow

Is Rich Gannon busy?

Doktor Zymm
herodotus450

I prefer the universitu
http://www.gannon.edu/

herodotus450
...

Are we sure these are Texans and not Hawaiians? Because they’re killing Cook.

Doktor Zymm

So curious, why isn’t McGloin starting? I mean, besides the obvious.

herodotus450

TV is on mute, can’t tell if the 2nd half started or these incomplete passes are still highlights from the shitty frist half.

rockingdog
Doktor Zymm

I think all the people who bought it died.

WCS

Brick Meathook

i’ve been moderated!

ballsofsteelandfury

Fixed

Doktor Zymm

The cheese and the sausage are back in the fridge. The wine is almost done. I think it’s on to the toffee and gin in a moment. And maybe another pear.

ballsofsteelandfury

Can someone check in on Rikki?

/realizes he lives closest to RTD

Damn!

fleshwound_NPG

The Oak Land is not showing up against the Hugh Stan

(the alcohol, as you can tell, is starting to flow here to get through this shitstain of a game)

Doktor Zymm

Shouldn’t it be pronouned HOWSTON?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Who-ston?

Brick Meathook

Brady as a Raider, you say?

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Brick Meathook

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fleshwound_NPG

Montana at KC was not bad

WCS

Yesterday: Finished putting away Christmas crap, cleaned up baby’s room, completely rearranged the living room into a fresh, new setup, and got a new washing machine

Today: Went grocery shopping and filled up both vehicles with gas

Me RN:comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Me RN:

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Doktor Zymm

The Lions play in the NFC North. They play two games a year at Packers and Bears. They can play in shitty outdoor stadiums, even if they play in a dome. Or at least as well as they normally play.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

But, but, the narrative…

Shogun Marcus

Play? Yes. Play well? History says not so much.

King Hippo

plus a little thing called DESTINY!!

Doktor Zymm

Today I learned that superglue doesn’t really work on plaster, but plastic welds totally do

herodotus450

Plaster? I hardly know-
/gets shot in head

JustStopDude

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How I roll son…

Doktor Zymm

I normally feel bad watching a dude die, but not in this case

herodotus450

Does Jadeveon Clowney have It?

Sharkbait

My local affiliate went to local news during the half. They went to a TEN BOX for snow coverage. Its the northeast you fuckers. This shit is nothing!

...

Atlanta had a FOURTEEN box.

JustStopDude

My feed stuck around with Berman and friends so quick your bitching…

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“Well thankfully that game is over…”

/Listens to ear piece

“Oh Christ.”

Dunstan

Matron saint sighting!

King Hippo

this will be the framed pic by where we take our ritual suicide Kool Aid

BrettFavresColonoscopy

When?

King Hippo

as soon as the NE/DAL Superb Owl is finalized, I think we start mixing…

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Half-time? But what we will do for fifteen minutes without this game to entertain us?

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Shogun Marcus

So coach…halftime adjustments?
Well we got some bondo and duct tape from our ese’s back home. We’ll be alright.

JustStopDude

Berman…you have ONE FUCKING GAME TO COVER….slow the fuck down.

Doktor Zymm

Connor Cook, Four for Fourteen, SO MUCH ALLITERATION

...

Yards? FORTY-ONE!

JustStopDude

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herodotus450

Seems like that hit was anything but
/kills self
Edward.
//oh crap.

fleshwound_NPG

See you again in 14 years, Raiders

Romonobyl

“THIS HOUSTON TEAM I CALL THEM THE TEXAS ARMADILLOS, BECAUSE THEY PLAY DEAD AT HOME AND GET KILLED ON THE ROAD!”

Spanky Datass

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...

I like that CGI of the Texans quarterbacks because it shows the the people off the street who are filling out the team’s depth chart.

Shogun Marcus

Wow…even the Factory thinks that’s a lot of qbs.
/jest kidding, they have no idea what a qb is.

Doktor Zymm

It’s the guy who gets carted off the field each week

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They call him a “quarter” back because that’s how long he lasts before getting injured.

Shogun Marcus

The owner? Wait, that’s Indy.

Doktor Zymm

So….the Texans are maybe an indication that overpaying backups that successful teams are getting rid of is maybe not the way to go?

Sharkbait

Shhhhh!

–Jimmy Garoppolo