2016 Quotables – Wildcard Weekend (Submissions)

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

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Wild Card? More like Lame Card, am I right? Well, I honestly don’t know. Apart from a couple minutes of the first Saturday game, I didn’t watch any football this weekend. But in searching for highlights (and, this week, searching was more like scouring the couch cushions for enough change to buy a 40 that would let me escape those couple minutes of OAK/HOU “football”) I did see that James Harrison caused a fumble. I’m sure all you Yinzers on here knew that he was still around but, as someone who is pretty sure that guy was a grizzled old vet in Super Bowl IX, I was surprised to see he’s still contributing to playoff football. So good for him.

Anyways, keep up the good work. At this rate, a bunch of dick-jokers sitting at their computers could challenge for a first-round playoff spot in the AFC. That is, of course, if any of this bunch of dick-jokers could actually pass a drug test (without the use of a Whizzinator).


In Richardson's defense, committing an OPI is about the only way to score when you practice each week against 'Handsy' Dick Sherman.
In Richardson’s defense, blatant OPI right in front of an official is about the only way to score when you practice each week against ‘Handsy’ Dick Sherman.

For reference, this was flagged OPI in the early game.
For reference, this was flagged OPI in the early game.

This was the only other highlight of the Texans/Raiders game.
This was the only other highlight of the Texans/Raiders broadcast.

Text
“Whoa this is heavy, Doc.” –Marty McFly Frank Clark

This is Jordy Nelson getting a rib injury from a Leon Hall spearing/not spearing, depending on which Twitter account you ask.
This is Jordy Nelson getting a rib injury from a Leon Hall spearing/not spearing, depending on which Twitter account you ask.

I don't think going to Florida hurt the Giants WR corps on Sunday. But warming up without a football may have been a factor in all those drops.
I don’t think a Florida trip hurt the Giants WR corps on Sunday. But warming up with a phone instead of a football may have been a factor in all those drops.

So the host video for this file is called
So the host video for this file is called “Matt Moore Draws Roughing the Passer Flag” as if this were college basketball and he jumped into a strafing defender as he went for a layup. Like, what small forward has ever been on the verge of death after drawing a foul?

Honestly, this just makes the Jets and Bills look bad.
Honestly, this just makes the Jets and Bills look bad.
blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy
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“THIS IS THE MANLIEST MAN SPORT!”

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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Oh, so that’s how you execute a full Nelson

Trevor Semen
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Trevor Semen

Well, it was more of a half nelson after the play.

laserguru
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In honor of advancing to play Dallas next week, Jordy Nelson does his best Lee Harvey Oswald impersonation.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
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Wendy, I can fly!

Beerguyrob
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“Malcolm Smith’s first attempt at a “Las Vegas Handshake” portends doom for the team’s potential move!” — Bleacher Report

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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I haven’t seen a dolphin mistime its jump so badly since this:

http://www.gifwave.com/media/31482_swimming-animals-ocean-sea-crash.gif

ballsofsteelandfury
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Winner

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
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Answering a gif with a gif though?

Curse of Marino
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Curse of Marino

Mistimed? I think he did that on porpoise.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Yes, I like that joke.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

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The NFL is proud of its concussion protocol. It saves lives and allows for a better life after players retire. After this play Matt Moore was required to sit out 1 play according to our strict rules.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

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WILDCARD BITCHES!

Curse of Marino
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Curse of Marino

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The Miami Dolphins then proceeded to use the seldom used “Weekend at Bernie’s Formation” for the rest of the game.

Curse of Marino
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Curse of Marino

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“Aww shit this isnt the Olympic Hurdling tryouts?”

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

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Banner image: Much more entertaining than any of the games this weekend

monty this seems strange to me
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Jay Feely: “The 14 mile-per-hour wind conditions down here actually lifted him right up over the line of scrimmage into the Steeler backfield.”

SonOfSpam
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monty this seems strange to me
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Lions #24 to Seahawks #19: “So, I guess we should stop holding hands now?”

sunrisesunrise
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Guys, I know you’re playing the Lions but this isn’t Thanksgiving. You can’t make a wish on the quarterback.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“Hey, I finally caught the elusive Bratcheezcurd Pokemon!”

LemonJello
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LemonJello

Eli after he heard about this:
http://i58.tinypic.com/25iaxyw.jpg
He was inconsolable, even after Olivia promised him TWO juice boxes!

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“He looks a lot fatter than he really is, I guess.”

sunrisesunrise
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Goodell is going to fine James Harrison just for being on the field for this hit.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“NOOOooooooo! He spoiled Westworld for me! I was waiting to watch it in the off season!”

sunrisesunrise
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Hey look the ball is over there! Haha fooled you!

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“Mongo only pawn in game of football.”

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Bullshit. Watt isn’t that self-aware.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“Premature ejaculation? Dr Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice* can help!”

*new official partner of the NFL

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“Purple monk—oh, fuck. He ded.”

nomonkeyfun
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The Giants receivers can’t catch anything, even cold.

Alternate
Green Bay residents: “Hello police, there are some shirtless thugs in the stadium I own. Would you please come and arrest them. Thank You. I will be waiting with some cheese covered curds, over some Brats.”

SonOfSpam
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This is the worst I’ve seen a black person treat a white guy all week.

Wait, maybe second worst.

monty this seems strange to me
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“No, seriously, my job is just to stand out here and watch him run. I don’t know why and I don’t care. Yeah, they pay me.”

SonOfSpam
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“Wild Card? More like Lame Card, am I right?”

I mean, Mild Card was RIGHT THERE.

monty this seems strange to me
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“Touchdown Seahawks”

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Member

I feel like the Matt Moore, Matt Stafford and Jordy Nelson clips could all go “BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Good.

nomonkeyfun
Member

JJ Watt: I can’t just do my rehab, but I have to do it in my stadium with cameras on because I am not one of those glory boys. I have to show everyone how hard I work. Pssst, did you know I live in a log mansion, I mean cabin.
http://i.imgur.com/9SO8bv0.jpg

ArmedandHammered
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ArmedandHammered

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NO! You’re supposed to hurt him, THEN place him on the stretcher.

Enrico Pallazzo
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JJ Watt realizing the rent is due.

Matt Moore has heard good things about head transplants.