INT. DFO PRODUCTION OFFICE – DAY

A pair of sleazy Hollywood producers are talking to their lawyer on speakerphone.

RIGHT REVEREND ELECTRIC MAYHEM: …I mean, they’re both orangutans, they’re both librarians, they both only ever say “ook”…I’m just saying that I don’t think throwing premiere tickets at him is going to make this lawsuit go away.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Well I haven’t heard any bright ideas from you.  What are we even paying you for, anyway?

RREM: Speaking of which, about my last invoice…

RTD: Sorry, can’t hear you, we’re going into a tunnel.  [hangs up]

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS: We really should get a check out to him.

RTD: There’s no rush.  He’s getting invaluable experience in entertainment law. Not to mention the exposure.

DTZM: That’s true, you can’t put a price on this kind of exposure.

RTD: Well, the upside of all this Terry Pratchett nonsense is that Chimp in Charge: Library of Congress is getting a lot more headlines.

DTZM: Nothing like controversy to get those news-filtering algorithms pumping the intertubes full of…uh, news.  Speaking of controversy…

RTD: How long have we kept him waiting?

DTZM: Siri, what time is it? [makes a big show of checking his Apple watch]  Two-thirty.  So about forty-five minutes.

RTD: [clicks intercom] Traycee, please send him in.

— [door flies open] —

MICHAEL VICK: Guys, I am so, so, so sorry.

RTD: Whoa, whoa, slow down there, Ookie.

VICK: Don’t call me that! I’m not like that anymore!

DTZM: Wait, what’s all this now?  What are you sorry about?

Editor’s note: linked video may be upsetting if you’re a dog owner/lover. 

VICK: The video!  From the set of A Dog’s Purpose!

RTD: Oh, that.

VICK: Now listen, I know you guys took a chance on me when you brought me on board.

DTZM: We sure did, Michael.

VICK: And you gotta know that I take my job seriously!

RTD: [nodding] We know you do.

VICK: All they did was push that dog in the water!  They had a lifeguard and everything, all that shit.

DTZM: Of course.

VICK: All that happened was the dog got wet.  That video…man…they cut that video up to make it look so much worse than it really was!

DTZM: Listen, Mike, you don’t have to tell us about how an editing job can make something terrible look even worse than it already was [points to a poster on the wall].

RTD: [shudders]

RTD: The thing is, Mike, when we asked you to fill in as a set monitor for our friends at the American Humane Association [smirks], we were confident that you were dedicated to maintaining the positive public image you’ve cultivated since your return to society.

DTZM: And you’ve stayed out of trouble.  Until now, of course.  But the American Humane Association is a very prestigious organization.

RTD and DTZM can barely suppress their giggling.

RTD: And they take cruelty to animals very seriously, and especially as far as family-friendly entertainment is concerned, the American Humane Association…

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY and DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS can contain themselves no longer and both burst out into laughter.

RTD: [wiping tears from his eyes] Okay, okay, okay, that’s enough.  Michael, there’s no such thing as the American Humane Association.

DTZM: Well, I mean, there is, but not like you think.  It’s just a corporate charter in a file cabinet in the Right Reverend Electric Mayhem’s office.

VICK: But…all those animal shelters…those commercials…

DTZM: Siri, play “In the Arms of an Angel”…

SIRI: PLAYING

RTD: You’re thinking of the American Humane Society.  The American Humane Association is our thing.  We just slap a rubber stamp into the end credits and collect a check.

DTZM: But we do have to maintain at least a veneer of respectability.  And in light of this video getting out we’re going to have to suspend you.

RTD: For one month.

VICK: Suspend me?  So I’m gonna be out of work for a month?

RTD: Oh, no, no, no, no. You won’t be out of work – we’re just not going to pay you.

DTZM: You understand, it’s a public relations thing.

VICK: But, I…

RTD: Anyhow, it’s pretty chilly in this office.

DTZM: One would almost say these conditions are…inhumane.

RTD: So maybe a couple of coffees would be good.

DTZM: Blue Bottle?  [looks at RTD, who nods]  Blue Bottle.  It’s up on Beverly.

VICK: [stares at him, blinking incredulously.  Finally, he sighs and turns to leave].

MICHAEL VICK steps out.  RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY gets up and closes the door behind him.  

RTD: Did you watch the video?

DTZM: I did.  It’s really going to sink that picture.

RTD: [chuckles] Looks like another stumble for our old friend over at Sony.

DTZM: Well, that’s why I leaked it.

RTD: So how did you get that video, anyway?

DTZM: [smiles mysteriously] Trade secret, old buddy.  Trade secret.

RTD: Well, I’ve got to go talk to a man about our new streaming service.  We all done for today?

DTZM: Yeah, I’ve just gone one more phone call left and I’m out of here.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY steps out.  DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS punches a few numbers into his phone manually and waits for the other end to pick up.

DTZM: So I know you’re busy, but just wanted to let you know it all worked out.  Thanks for coming through for me.

VOICE: Grumble grumble whatever now when do I get that date with Catherine O’Hara grumble grumble?

DTZM: Soon, soon.  Very soon…