Do It For Us…ALL Of Us – A Falcons Super Bowl Preview



A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:

No, wait – that’s not it.

That’s the ticket.

It really is a delightful story, one of the few to come out of this somewhat disastrous 2016 season. The Atlanta Falcons, a team most pundits predicted would finish around 8-8, have surpassed all expectations and are now, thanks to the Divisional round matchups, playing in the Super Bowl for the second time in their history. Why, some idiot on this-here football site had the temerity to pronounce the following:

There’s gotta be 6 wins in [their schedule] somewhere. A perfect storm maybe gets them to 8-8, satisfying their half-empty stadium but ruining their 2017 draft position.

Either way, when the season is done, I think Julio Jones follows Megatron into retirement because his team sucked the fun out of the game for him. They’re going to need a couple more years of high draft picks, an upgrade at quarterback, and Carolina’s eventual downturn before they can begin a march past cromulence and back into the realm of possible playoff teams.

Even at the bye, when they were 6-4, what they are doing now wasn’t predicted based on their stats:

If the newly Dirty Birds go 3-3 to end the season, 9-7 should get them into the playoffs as the division winner, because I doubt anyone in that outhouse has the capacity to go 5-1. PROVE ME WRONG, NFC SOUTH!

Well, somebody did go 5-1, you jackass. Riding a yardage & offensive explosion after their bye, the Falcons were able to leapfrog the suddenly-again Shithawks into the #2 seed and a bye. They then turned that week off into conceiving plans to beat the over in both playoff games they hosted, closing out the Georgia Dome in style with a 23-point victory over the Packers in the NFC Championship game, leading to many sad faces.

So now they face “The Dynasty”, or “Team Fuck Goodell” if you listen to Barstool Sports. (Note: don’t listen to Barstool Sports.) If there’s any goddamned justice in this world, the Falcons will win 35-27. Why do I feel so confident in this selection? Because I have broken down this team three times now, and each time they show improvement on previous analysis.

With that in mind, it’s time I finalize my rankings for the year:


  • They finished second in the NFL in passing yards per game, and third in total offence.
    • preseason ranking: Sandwich spread, unflavored
    • bye week ranking: Remoulade
    • Super Bowl ranking: Duck egg mayonnaise.
      • Despite my early misgivings, 2016 NFL MVP Matt Ryan has turned this season into a delicious boon for fantasy owners and southern gentlemen.
        • Backup Matt Schaub only threw three passes all season.
  • I would feel more comfortable if New England didn’t finish two spots behind them in each category, especially since Dreamboat missed those four games, and that difference probably is the reason for the spread.
    • The postseason spread is a similar issue – there’s only a 30-yards/game difference.

Running Backs:

  • Finished the regular season ranked 14th in the NFL
    • preseason ranking: Tartar sauce
    • bye week ranking: Tartar sauce – with capers instead of pickles.
    • Super Bowl ranking: Tzatziki
      • A better sauce for a better effort.
  • The “two-headed monster” of a rushing backfield combined for just under 1600 yards and 19 TDs. They averaged 4.7 yards/carry, which doesn’t seem like enough against a Pats defence that finished first overall and 4th against the run, allowing 3.9 yards/carry.
    • They are averaging 100 yards/game in the playoffs, better than the Patriots but a full 26 yards/game below their season average.
  • The differential feels like a washout, forcing more reliance on the passing game.
    • Fortunately, Freeman has increased his receiving workload in the postseason, catching 9 passes for 122 yards out of the backfield.

Wide Receivers / Tight Ends:

  • The one consistency throughout the season.
    • preseason ranking: Spicy Chipotle Mayo
    • bye week ranking: Roasted garlic aioli
    • Super Bowl ranking: Garlic butter, on steak
  • The best thing on this team has gotten even better during the playoffs.
    • Mohammad Sanu has really become an excellent second option, and has drawn #1B coverage.
      • If he’s covered, Julio’s been open. If Julio’s covered, he’s been open. If they’ve both been covered, Austin Hooper has been a quality third option over the middle.
        • It’s how they carved up the Packers.
  • They have transcended the traditional sauce comparison.

Offensive Line:

  • I never previewed them, because even the Falcons didn’t know who they had to start the season until opening day.
    • preseason ranking: n/a
    • bye week ranking: n/a
    • Super Bowl ranking: Maille Mayonnaise
  • The season’s real unsung heroes in Atlanta.
    • By now, everyone knows, they’ve stayed intact and kept Matty Ice alive. That’s been the real victory.
    • They’re going to be in tough against the Patriots front four, especially since they rotate around & sometimes go 3-4.

Defensive Front:

  • Holy shit, did they tighten this up in time for the playoffs.
    • preseason ranking: Canola-based mayo
    • bye week ranking: Coleslaw dressing
    • Super Bowl ranking: Lite Raspberry Vinaigrette
  • This still may be the Achilles heel for the Falcons.
    • Their defence against the run is more than 20 yards/game worse than the Patriots.
  • Vic Beasley, however, is still a monster, leading the league with 15.5 sacks in 2016.
    • If he can avoid getting double-teamed, he’s our one great hope for breaking Tommy in two.
  • I’d kinda like to see Dwight Freeney go out with another ring on his finger.


  • The numbers look better only because the offence is throwing for more than they surrender. They have yet to be really exposed.
    • preseason ranking: Low-fat Mayo
    • bye week ranking: Béchamel sauce
    • Super Bowl ranking: Béarnaise sauce
  • They have raised their level in the playoffs, drawing virtually even with the Patriots in terms of yards/game allowed.
    • Actually managing to have established a better defence against the pass.
      • Beating Russell & Aaron, versus the Pats facing THE BEN and something called “The Texans”.


  • I guess Dan Quinn was for real.
    • preseason ranking: Mayonesa
    • bye week ranking: Hollandaise sauce, on asparagus
    • Super Bowl ranking: Vodka sauce, on lobster ravioli
  • C’mon, they’ve earned it.
    • Dan Quinn’s team was never considered a heavy favourite going into either home playoff game, and they managed to wipe the floor with both opponents.
      • It guaranteed Kyle Shanahan the coaching job in San Francisco.
        • To the point where other contenders actually dropped out because of him being considered.

So, what should you take away from all this?

  1. Don’t trust me to evaluate talent.
    • or, trust me, and assume the result will be better than predicted.
      • not sound betting advice.
  2. Bet the over. Both teams have walloped the spread this postseason.
  3. Vic Beasley. The guy is for real.
  4. Fries & mayonnaise is fucking delicious.
  5. Everybody & their goddamned dog wants “not the Patriots” to win the game.
  6. Julio Jones is fun to watch.

To repeat: my hopeful prediction is Falcons 35-27.

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Please Login to comment
8 Comment threads
1 Thread replies
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
7 Comment authors
Moose -The End Is Well NightheeWeeBabySeamusBrettFavresColonoscopyBuddy Cole's Halftime ShowSenor Weaselo Recent comment authors
Notify of
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh



The Natural is on tv, and Glenn Close constantly saying she’s gotta go is pissing me off almost as much as someone thinking Hobbs would choose her over Kim Basinger


Even dead, Basinger every time.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

“Riding a yardage & offensive explosion after their bye”

Funny things happen when you are constipated for a week.

Senor Weaselo

comment image


The Freeballin guys said it’s the highest over/under in SB history. So I presume this will be a 17-13 shitfest that drives us all batty.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Rise up, I guess.


I predicted Atlanta 31-30 and backed that up with a parlay of Atlanta and the over (59).

I hope it’s not all wishful thinking.