INT.  DFO PRODUCTION OFFICE – DAY

A pair of sleazy Hollywood producers are pacing back and forth in front of a huge mahogany desk.  They both exude nervous excitement, with one of them – DARKEST TIMELINE ZACH MORRIS – repeatedly checking the time on his Apple Watch.  The other – RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY – is mumbling to himself, rehearsing some kind of speech. A jazzy, snappy leitmotif composed by David Holmes emanates from a sound system on the far wall. 

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Soon?

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS: Soon.

RTD: I hope he’s on time.

DTZM: He’s not known to waste time.  Even when it would be to his advantage.

—[door flies open]—

KYLE SHANAHAN: Hi guys.

RTD: [shaking his hand vigorously] Kyle, Kyle, man, so glad you’re here.

DTZM: [beaming] We’re so excited to meet you.

KYLE SHANAHAN: So I take it this means you read my script.

RTD: [looks at DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS] The man wants to know if we read his script.

DTZM: Oh yeah, we read your script.

RTD: Yeah, man, we READ your SCRIPT.  Man!

KYLE SHANAHAN: [finding their enthusiasm contagious] And…did you like it?

DTZM: [looks at RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY] The man wants to know if we liked it.

RTD: Oh, man, did we like it?  Our accountants are gonna kill me for saying this, but…yeah, man.  Yeah, we liked it.

DTZM: We want to option it.

RTD: We want to option the FUCK out of it!

DTZM: This script…[picks up a script from his desk, holds it up]…this is the most exciting heist script we’ve seen since The Usual Suspects.

RTD: And the most emotionally powerful since Heat.

DTZM: Which incidentally came out the same year so it’s kind of a tie.  Either way, it’s the best script in this genre in at least twenty years.

KYLE SHANAHAN: [flattered] As good as Ocean’s Eleven?

RTD: Better.

DTZM: Every bit as fun, but not so cutesy-winky.

KYLE SHANAHAN: Wow.

RTD: The protagonist.  Love him.  Perfect everyman, in the sense that every man would like to see himself as him.

DTZM: The crew.  Delightful.  Plenty of personality without feeling like caricatures.

RTD: The dame.  Exquisite.  But a rational actor.  With agency!  What else can I say?

KYLE SHANAHAN: The villains aren’t too evil?

DTZM: Not at all!

RTD: It’s just right.

KYLE SHANAHAN: Well.  Thank you!

DTZM: There’s just one thing.

RTD: One little thing.

DTZM: Practically nothing.

RTD: [inhales]

DTZM: There are problems with the third act.

KYLE SHANAHAN: [frowns] Oh.

RTD: [diplomatically] Maybe it’s us…

DTZM: Maybe we’re just missing something.

RTD: …but after the crown jewels have safely stashed aboard the yacht, and right before Chase Friday gets on the plane to Cartegena…

DTZM: …why does he arrange for the meeting with Inspector Foucault?

RTD: I mean, he’s home free.  Foucault doesn’t have any idea what Friday looks like, or what his real name is, or even whether he’s a man or a woman.  Why doesn’t Chase just get on the plane and go?

DTZM: It’s also confusing to us why Stegosaurus Jones doesn’t come with him?  They’re inseparable, and then all of a sudden he’s got…[pages through script]…an aunt in Cornwall that’s been ill for the last month that he absolutely needs to rush out and see, exactly at that moment?

RTD: And also we don’t understand why, when Friday and Foucalt are finally face to face, for no reason at all…

DTZM: …no reason that we understand…

RTD: …Chase stabs himself in the hand with a steak knife.

DTZM: Or why he sets his own hair on fire.

RTD: And then wrests Foucault’s pepper spray away – the blocking is excellently written, by the way – and sprays it on his own genitals.  And then…the pliers…[trails off]

DTZM: [frowning] There’s…a lot of self-mutilation.

RTD: It’s like if you locked Eli Roth alone in a room for two hours with nothing to play with but a mirror.

KYLE SHANAHAN: It’s more exciting that way.

DTZM: Oh.  Um…no.  No, it’s really not.  It’s just awful, and, quite frankly, kind of nauseating.

RTD: No worries.  We’ll just bring in Rhett and Paul for a quick rewrite of the last ten minutes and…

KYLE SHANAHAN: No deal.

RTD: …wait, what?

DTZM: Um…

RTD: You’re not…serious, are you?

KYLE SHANAHAN: You produce it exactly as it’s written or no deal.

DTZM: Is this some kind of joke?

KYLE SHANAHAN: And I get to play the part of Chase Friday.

DTZM: Kyle…have you seen our offer sheet?

RTD: It’s very generous.

DTZM: It really is.

RTD: It’s better than the deal we gave to Charlie Kauffman.

DTZM: Your script is great.

RTD: It’s practically perfect.

DTZM: But the hard part’s done.  Just kick back, cash this [taps pile of papers on desk] very sizeable advance and let us see this through.

RTD: It’s what we do.

KYLE SHANAHAN: [shakes head]  Nope.  I didn’t get where I am today by playing it safe.

DTZM: You’re making a mistake.

KYLE SHANAHAN: Gentlemen, you’ve wasted my time.  Good day.

KYLE SHANAHAN leaves.  RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY flops down onto the couch and sighs. 

RTD: Well, shit.

DTZM: It was a great script.

RTD: It really was.

DTZM: [crestfallen] Guess we won’t be making the greatest heist movie in the history of cinema.

RTD: Guess we won’t.

DTZM: [brightens] But you know what?

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS crosses over to the desk and punches a button on the intercom.

DTZM: That doesn’t mean we can’t make the worst!  Traycee?  Get me Seltzer and Friedberg…