CrimeBeat!: Gift Horse Edition Part I

So, over the last year of doing this “column,” I have bitched on numerous occasions in the past about how desolate and bereft of Crime News I Can Use the off-season can be. But like the Monkey’s Paw or online dating, one should be wary of that for what one wishes.

That’s not fair…there was crime now. Crime enough at last….

Last Friday damn near ruptured me, such was the glut of Football Related Shenanigans. I thought that I would at least have the chance to my literary breath. Free agency hasn’t opened. It’s more than a week before the Combine, the usual time for prospects to get arrested, busted for pot or find a spiritual guru. Plus, it was President’s Day, that most solemn and dignified of three-day weekends.

“Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are entitled to CRAZY savings on the SICKEST gear!”

But no! This machine, this beautiful thing? It runs on #content, and the Great Magnet has seen fit to shower it down upon us like a couple of high-priced Russian hookers. What a fool I was to defy Him…

Due to circumstances beyond my control (arraignment of 30+ involved in alleged people-smuggling ring), I’m going to split this week’s column into two smaller pieces. Piecelets. Nuggets, if you will.

BRING FORTH THE ACCUSED!

STANLEY WILSON II

CHARGE: Naked Housebreaking, Recidivist Offender

Wow. Sometimes the stories just write themselves. Former Detroit Lion and Stanford Tree Thing Stanley Wilson II was arrested about 30 miles outside Portland, Oregon for allegedly trying to break into a house while nude. Wilson, who played cornerback for the Lions during the 2005-2008  Late Millen Extinction, drove up in front of the residence in Woodburn around 2 p.m. and approached the homeowner as he or she was in the open garage. The homeowner reported that Wilson made alarming statements and was “acting erratically,” so he or she closed the garage door and called the police while Wilson attempted to get in the front and back doors. When the cops arrived, Wilson “emerged from a backyard shed, naked.” He was cooperative with officers and was taken into custody.

No indication what the “alarming statements” were, although I think we can safely assume it was along the lines of “Imma get naked and break into your house.”

Now, normally this would have been a bit of a misleadingly click-bait charge/headline. After all, the reports seem to indicate that he was fully clothed while attempting to enter the house, and that he only got nekkid after Plan A went sideways. However, this isn’t Wilson’s first bareback rodeo. Wilson was sentenced to 10 days in jail for allegedly trying to burgle a home in southwest Portland last June. In that instance, police found him in a water fountain in the back yard, nude and gut-shot by the homeowner. Then about a month ago, he was arrested after a disturbing-the-peace call because he was running around outside someone else’s  house- again, completely nude.

Police are still seeking Wilson’s accomplice and get-away driver, known only as “Godiva”

Wilsons’s father was Cincinnati Bengals fullback Stanley Wilson, who The Elders on this site may remember as one of the precursor examples of the Eugene Robinson Pre-Super Bowl Fuckup, the concept that has launched a thousand HE”S SELFISH AND IS A DISRACTION AND WARARARARARARA! sports radio Taeks.

You see, children: once upon a time, long long ago in the dark mists of history, before the invention of the Internet, before the Earth cooled from a lava-soaked ball of fire, even before Marvin Lewis was hired, the Bengals were not limited to the binary outcomes of “Joke of the League” or “First Round Playoff Loss”. Hell, despite having mental midgets  Norman Julius “Boomer” Esiason and Cris “Fellatio” Collinsworth as leaders of the team, they made it to Super Bowl XXIII. Most of America remembers that game for  the 49ers’ 92-yard final drive, culminating in Joe Montana hitting John Taylor for the go-ahead touchdown with a little over 30 seconds left.

For Bengals fans, however, they remember Stanley Wilson. The night before the game, Stanley went to his hotel room just before the final team meeting to “get his playbook”. Twenty minutes later, his position coach found him in the bathroom Riding the White Tiger. He was left off the roster for the game the next day, and rumor has it that former Bengals coach Sam Wyche still blames him for the loss. This is Demonstrably False, as Esiason played a putrid game, then-rookie Ickey Woods was the sole bright spot on offense, and Jerry Rice had nearly as much receiving yardage (215) as the Bengals had total offense (229). Also, the Bengals had no one but themselves to blame- Wilson had previously missed two full seasons due to suspensions for cocaine, and was banned for life due to this third infraction. And you thought The Rog was a fascistic thug. I mean, he is, but he’s not the only one. He just gets better paid for it than most others.

And just to bring the story full circle, Wilson Sr. is currently serving a 22 year sentence for….breaking and entering.

TUNE IN FOR PART II: THE NEXT BIT

And as always, Foxboro Delenda Est.

 

*EDIT*: I have been informed by an attorney who shall remain nameless that the phrase “Riding the White Tiger” means something completely different than a Cincinnati/LSU/Detroit player getting high on cocaine. I would like to formally apologize to Siegfried and/or Roy for the misunderstanding.

 

 

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; gentle yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called most of these things.
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; gentle yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called most of these things.
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Moose -The End Is Well NighLemonJellolitre_colablaxabbathnomonkeyfun Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“We have enough evidence to convict you without the eye witness.”

“Oh really? How’s that?”

“No two dick prints are the same.”

“I’ll take the plea deal.”

http://37.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m06zenRXS01qmvcw5o1_500.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sorry; from last night.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
LemonJello
LemonJello

Savage.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

She acts all tough and shit when it is just lettuce and shredded cheese….. wait ’til this bitch hits the taco “meat”…….

LemonJello
LemonJello

She looks like she could eat souls…those are serial killer eyes.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Looks like a late 70s or 80s TB commercial; child ad actress, child actor type parents, grew up in LA…….

Agreed.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Woodburn is in the heart of Willamette Valley farm country. He’s super lucky he didn’t get shot again and then buried in the backyard. Black people are not well-regarded here and like 10% of them get arrested annually in Marion County.

Unrelated, but I saw John Wick 2 and choked on my drink laughing when Laurence Fishburn yells out, “We’re going to Applebee’s!”

jjfozz

The oldest Fozz Spawn watches the combine with an intensity that’s scary. Whenever his brother walks into the room he says, “See how fat that guy is? There’s hope for you in the NFL.”

What a dick.

Beerguyrob

That’s some good smarm.

http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/srcstc.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

It’s at that moment that you must look back and realize you raised them right.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Quality burn.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So…no mention of the fact that Trent Richardson was arrested last week?

Why are you slow-walking your investigation of this, Reverend?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

Someone needs to inform Stanley about the dangers of Krokodil.

http://www.rehabcenter.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/Krokodil-the-zombie-drug-04.jpg

litre_cola

I watched a documentary on that and jesus, that shit is krazy.

nomonkeyfun

When I was in rehab, I was talking to some heroin addicts who’d been homeless in Camden, NJ; a city so shitty, that Fozz would take one look and thank God that he lived in Baltimore.
They said that Krokodil scared the shit out of them.
In Jersey they use Fentanyl to cut heroin.
Oh, the things you learn.
Girls there laughed because I’ve never been to jail.

blaxabbath

Offseason Boots on the Ground?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Beerguyrob

Try living in the midst of a Fentanyl epidemic. There were 116 illicit drug deaths in BC in January.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Go ahead and try it!

How many froze/ overdosed at the same time?

litre_cola

Spilling over to this province as well. As things always do. We will keep the weed and the wine, if you could just eradicate that fentanyl deal that would be great.