NEW YORK, 4:30 a.m.:

A bus rolls up to NFL Headquarters. The brakes hiss as the front door opens. A smoky fog rolls along the early morning street as a stumbling figure falls onto the curb.

WHOO! HOT DAMN! That Snyder guy knows how to party! No, no guys I’m good, JJ gave me the good walking powder. I’m just gonna head on up and crash for the next couple months. Now where’s my passkey? Uhh…

*BOOM* *Yellow flags fall from the early morning sky, collecting and blowing along the man’s feet.*

BLAND-GINA YOUR TIME IS NOW! REJOICE FOR YOUR SAVIOR HAS COME AMONG YOU!

Oh shit…

SHIT INDEED YOU SEBACEOUS SECRETION! BLEERGH. IS. HERE!

I figured I had until summer at least…

YOU UNGRATEFUL SCROTAL SCRAPING! *cough cough* Nope, I have a timeline. YOUR YEARLY EVALUATION IS NIGH! Fact is it’s gonna take you and your waterheads long enough to work this shit out. I mean seriously, what the fuck?! Is that coke on your eyebrow? Fuck’s sake. That was fun 40 years ago, we’ve moved on. The guys that survived are STILL trying to blame me for laissez-faire worship. Like I knew constant melon-scrambling would give you a brain-smoothie. Me sakes, I WAS ON A SNOWY PEAK OF CHINA WHITE AND UPPERS! I get it now of course, but the pendulum has swayed. Oh how it sways. Brings me to now.  

*Brushes his face* What do you mean my Lord? I thought you would be happy wit…*getting a coffee from a foodtruck*

I’m stopping you right there my favorite labial cyst. You trying to fuck me here? After all the shit you’ve pulled this year USING MY NAME?! PUT. DOWN. THE. COFFEE. COFFEE IS FOR CLOSERS. *slaps the coffee down* YOU have made more messy holes of the rules than a lifetime of pornhub amateurs aiming for facials. DEPRESSING AND SCATTERSHOT is what I’m saying. Since when did quarterbacks dictate terms to ME?

Well my liege we had…

NOPE! NOT HEARING IT. Between that Brady fuck and that Rodgers twinkletoes telling YOU where and when to call my tributes my dance card was full. You do KNOW I have 30 other congregations and 14 other shrines to deal with on Sundays right? The direct line to me is OVAR. I’ve had it. Let them get hit. My numbers are taking a dive and I don’t appreciate it. Seems like you might have figured out what a catch is though, so hey, good on ya!

*phone rings* Yeah? Already? Well what’s Gingerfungus doing about it? Naked too?! Just ONE offseason. ONE! There’s no video right? Good. Keep it quiet, I’ll be there later. If Janay shows up to start apologizing so help you Me! Asshole…SO! WHERE WAS I…OH YEAH, CATCHES!

Dez still owes me though, so uh…he still gets nada. NOW RATINGS! 

But Sir thy figures are still…

YOUR FIGURES ARE BLOCKAGES IN MY COLON. I am THE American Deity! I know this. Where else will they go after all? Baseball? Ha…no. I allow them April, May, and June before they get back in line. Basketball? Oh have those peach-basket fucks started the fourth month of playoffs already? Hockey? While I appreciate the violence, Johnny Canuck doesn’t have much left before I make it US IceFoot! And soccer…what the Jacksonville is that? Our JV league kills them ALL on it’s OWN! If it wasn’t for that bumbling hemorrhoid of an older brother Ansee Doubleay and his annoying as fuck girlfriend Essie Cee I’d have annexed the whole thing by now and we’d have legit multiple leagues! And another…

*phone rings* Shit…HI Honey! Wha…? I thought I had the coffeemaker ready! No? Oh I’m sorry, I had to get this meeting in while everyone was available. Huh? I DID kiss you goodbye, you got all snuggly and twitched! Well I’m sorry. No, I’ll be done soon. Want bagels? With the lox and schmears? Ok baby. Yeah I’ll take him, you sleep in, you’ve been busy. Soccer IS a full-time gig I know! *eyeroll* Yup, uh-huh. Love you too. Byee!  OK LET’S FINISH THIS. YOU LISTENING?

Oh yes Lord, give me your word!

Catches? GOOD JOB. Mostly. Don’t start dutch-ruddering Pereira and PK quite yet. QUARTERBACKS, they either get ALL the flags or NONE. YOU tell THEM, not the other way! Pass interference? FIGURE THAT OUT AND QUIT BEING SO BITCHY. It’s two people going for one ball, shit is going to happen. LET IT. WHOEVER WINS EARNED IT. Holding…smmdh, you twatwaffles will never get it. IT ALWAYS HAPPENS. I SHOULD NEVAR BE THE DECIDING FACTOR. GOT IT testegoiter? Now I gotta run, but I will be back. I haven’t even BEGUN to discuss my bishops! Oh my me the pain they cause. That’s gotta wait. I gotta get breakfast and the kid needs to get to school. So Blah-gyno, not your best, not your worst. Decidedly meh. You got some time here, kick the molly out your head and work it out. YOU GOT IT? GOOD. BLEERGH OUT! *BOOM*

I…uh…where are my pants? Why can’t I sit down? Where’s my pass…*fishes around back*…OH! Ugh, how’d it get there?

What’s this note on my shirt? ….thanks xoxoxo R Kraft…

When did I get signed UGGS? Brr…ady? Sonofa…what’s this glaze?