[Interior of Dave, crossing into Baja California Sur, 7:08 AM]

tWBS:  So, how’s it going, Mr. … wait, I had something for this!

balls:  Are you trying to reference my wet dream from last night?

tWBS:  Yeah.  Come back to me.

balls:  God, I hate to have to do this…

tWBS:  YES!!

balls:  Well, I couldn’t stop myself.

tWBS:  Just like last night.  You didn’t get any on Dave, did you?

balls:  No, Dave’s pristine, well, semi-clean seats have not been soiled by my mighty seed.

tWBS:  Hey!  I detailed Dave before I left!

balls:  Yeah, but that was, what?  3000 miles ago?

tWBS:  Shut up.  Ok, so we have a full day in Santa Rosalía.  What are we going to do?

balls:  Well, you’re not going to like it.

tWBS:  As long as it’s not another Mónica episode, I think I’ll be alright.

balls:  You say that…

tWBS:  Ok, now you’re scaring me.  What are you planning?

balls:  Ok, here goes… We’re going to church.

tWBS:  WHAT?!?!?  What in the fucking hell fucking fuckety fuck fuck shit in your brains made you think I would want to do that?

balls:  Dude, we have to pray to HER so we can move forward with our quest.

tWBS:  Wait, I’m confused.  SHE is Catholic?!?

balls:  Well, it’s complicated.  But yes, we are going to go to a Catholic mass.

tWBS:  If I believed in any of that crap, I’d say that I would burst into flames the second I walked in.

balls:  Don’t worry about it.

tWBS:  Ok, seriously, you say that ONE MORE TIME!

balls:  I mean that if I can walk in and be fine, you’ll be fine.

tWBS:  How long is it going to take?

balls:  Just an hour.  I promise.  Hey, look on the bright side!  You can get some exercise in! And, if there are any hot girls,  you can chat them up with the line,  “Can I get you some wine, maybe a cracker? Tastes of Jesus!”

tWBS:  Jesus, you ARE going to hell!  Ok, you walk in first though.

balls:  Deal.

The duo continues driving until they arrive at the town of Santa Rosalía. As they drive through town, they notice that it’s…different.

tWBS:  Dude, this place is funky!  What’s up with all the mining stuff all over the place?  And why does the architecture look French?

balls:  You have a good eye!  This town was founded by a French mining company in the late 1800s.  Copper was and continues to be the ore they mine.  There is a heavy French influence.  They say the best baguettes in México are made here.  The church we are going to, over there on the right, was designed by the same guy that designed the Eiffel Tower!

tWBS: No shit?

balls:  Yup.  México has a lot of European influences.  Spanish, obviously, but a large amount of French and German too.

tWBS:  Do they have Kwasants?

balls:  Have what?

tWBS:  Never mind.  We’re here.  Let’s get this over with.

The duo park Dave and walk across the street.  As they near the entrance, balls makes the sign of the cross.  Without tWBS noticing, balls also does it at tWBS’ back, just in case.  They go inside.

tWBS:  This is… interesting.

balls:  Yeah, it kinda looks like the Colts’ practice facility.

tWBS:  Seriously, what’s wrong with you?  I thought you were like the total hardcore Catholic guy. At least have some respect inside the church!

balls:  Are you seriously lecturing me about church etiquette?!?  I should tell you some of the things I’ve thought about while inside a church.

tWBS:  I don’t wanna know.

balls:  You know how many erections I’ve…

tWBS:  I SAID I don’t want to know!

balls:  Ok, fine.  I think it looks like this because of the Eiffel Tower dude.  He must have loved metal.

tWBS: Iron Maiden?

balls:  I’m thinking this one is more Judas Priest.

tWBS:  Dammit!  Yeah, you got that one.

tWBS starts to sit down at the back.

balls:  What are you doing?

tWBS:  I’m sitting down.  We’re here for the service, aren’t we?

balls:  Yeah, but we need to sit in the front.

tWBS:  Why?

balls:  Because.

tWBS:  What, you think you get extra credit by sitting in the front?

balls (defensively):  Noooo.

tWBS:  Brown-noser.

balls:  Shut up.  I need all the help I can get.

tWBS:  Fine.

They sit in the second-to-the-front pew and wait as people start filing in and taking their seats. Pretty soon, the priest leads the procession from the back and the mass begins.  It is in spanish.

tWBS (whispering):  What are they saying?

balls (whispering back):  Jesus is awesome.

tWBS: Jerk!

balls: Do you really want me to translate every little bit?

tWBS:  No, but I’d like a general idea of what’s going on.  I’ve never been to a Catholic mass.

balls:  I’ve never been to a redneck mass, so I’m not sure how to explain it.

tWBS:  You’re a real dick, you know that?

balls (giggling quietly):  That’s what your mom said!

tWBS:  Dude!  We’re in church!

balls:  Hey, blame that one on God.  He gave me divine inspiration on it.  Look, just follow along when we stand and sit.  Oh, and there is a kneeling portion later.

tWBS:  Kneeling portion, huh?  With you in the building, why am I not surprised?

balls:  STFU and try not to embarrass me.

tWBS tries to follow along as best he can but he is basically the white boy trying to clap along at a reggae concert.  Always just a beat behind.

tWBS:  You were not kidding about the workout thing.

balls:  That’s why they always have food outside.  People get hungry.

The service is now at the point where people line up for communion. balls makes his way to the aisle.

tWBS:  Should I go too?

balls:  Nah, you don’t need to.  Stay here and check out the ladies.  Let me know later if anyone catches your eye.

tWBS:  How are you not bursting into flames?

balls winks, shoots a finger gun at tWBS, and gets in line.  He receives communion, gets back to the pew, and prays silently.  After a little bit longer, the service is over and the duo exits.  There is a taco cart, a fruit cart, and a few tables with aguas frescas outside.

tWBS buys lunch.

tWBS:  Dude!  This shit is tasty!

balls:  Yup!  I’m telling you, post-church food is always damn tasty!

tWBS (munching on a taco):  So, what did the priest say?

balls: Besides the normal stuff?

tWBS:  Yeah.

balls:  This one was actually pretty good.  It’s really a luck-of-the-draw kind of thing for me.  Sometimes you get priests that stick to the official doctrine and sometimes you get priests that really make the readings relate to people’s lives and help them live better.

tWBS:  Which one was this one?

balls:  Luckily, he was one of the good ones. Today’s readings and message was basically about how “turning the other cheek” doesn’t mean what people think it means.

tWBS:  What does it mean, then?

balls: It’s actually about standing up for yourself and making people respect you.  If bad shit happens to you or you run into bad people, don’t let them stop you from being who you are and getting to where you want to be.

tWBS:  That’s cool, I guess.  And applicable to us.  The priest actually said “shit”?

balls:  Yes, he actually said shit.

tWBS:  Wow!  You have to teach me that word because I didn’t catch it.  Hey, I need to use the…facilities.

balls:  I told you to go before we….

tWBS:  I know, I know.  I didn’t have to go then.

balls:  Fine, I’ll wait here.

tWBS:  Well where is it?

balls:  How the fuck should I know?  Go back inside the church and hang a quick left.  Or a right.  Probably.  If you get to the nave you’ve probably gone too far.  And also please don’t piss in the nave.  I hate that I even feel the need to tell you that.

tWBS:  And here I was thinking that going to church was supposed to make people nicer.

balls:  Maybe you should stop thinking.  It never seems to work out well for you.

tWBS begins to say something, but then stops.

balls:  Need some ice for that burn?

Without speaking, tWBS turns and walks back up the church stairs and enters.  Not surprisingly, he gets lost quickly.  After making a few wrong turns and backtracking and a few more wrong turns, he turns a corner in the hallway….

tWBS:  Whoa….ummmm.  Sorry ladies.  I didn’t mean to interrupt your….your….

The ladies say nothing.  They don’t even appear to realize tWBS is present (and drooling) as they chant.

tWBS:  OK, you gals obviously have something going on here so I’m just gonna….

The trio looks up and speaks in unison…

Holy Trio: No confíes en lo que te dice. Él te llevará por mal camino.

tWBS:  OK wait…my Mexican isn’t what it used to be.  But the words sounded really pretty because, well….just look at you.  Right?  But I did hear “El Camino”.

The Holy Trio look at one another and laugh.

Holy Trio:  Wow you’re really a fucking dumbass.

tWBS:  Ouchie.  Fine then…where’s the bathroom?

tWBS turns to backtrack yet again, but becomes confused again before exiting the room.  He turns back to ask….

tWBS:  Hey girls, be a dove and tell me how to find the shitter….

When he turns back, the Trio is gone.

tWBS:  Goddammit, I hate it when that happens.

Half an hour later, when tWBS finally exits the church again, balls is waiting.

tWBS:  We can go now.

balls (knowingly and perhaps…suspiciously??):  So, did you find what you needed?

tWBS:  What’s that supposed to mean?

balls says nothing.

tWBS:  Also, I need to find an English/Mexican Dictionary translator type thingy.

balls:  Why?

tWBS:  Something about an El Camino.

balls:  Wow you’re really a fucking dumbass.

tWBS:  So I’ve heard.  So can we find one you think?

balls:  Maybe later.  Let’s make our way to the dock.  We need to buy our tickets for the ferry.  As nice as this town is, we don’t want to be stuck here until the next ferry.

balls looks around.

balls:  No hot chicks, huh?

tWBS:  Ummmmmm….not as far as you know.  Also, no.

balls:  It’s still early.  The hot ones might still be hungover in bed.

tWBS (under his breath):  Or frigging ghosts telling me not to trust your lying ass.

balls:  What’s that now?

tWBS:  Nothing.

The duo climb into Dave and make their way to the dock where the ferry lands.

balls approaches the ticket window.  He comes back.  He is not smiling.

tWBS:  What’s the problem?

balls:  Well, I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.

tWBS:  What’s the good news?

balls:  They still have tickets, so we are good to go.

tWBS:  Ok, that is good.  What’s the bad news?

balls:  There is no room for Dave.

tWBS:  Huh?

balls:  Apparently, those tickets sell out in advance.  They have seats inside, which is what we can buy, but there is no room for Dave where they haul the vehicles.

tWBS:  You know I’m not leaving Dave stranded…right?  So, what do we do?  When is the next ferry?

balls:  In three days.

tWBS:  Fuck that.

balls: Yeah.

tWBS:  I DO NOT want to drive up the peninsula.

balls:  Me neither.  There has to be a way.

tWBS:  Did the ticket dude have a supervisor?  Maybe we can talk to him?

balls:  I asked.  He said it’s a her and that she is off today. He gave me her name though.

tWBS: It’s a small town. There can’t be that many people here.

balls:  You’re right.  Let’s go back to the church. I’m sure someone there would know her!

The duo gets back into Dave and heads back towards the church.  After a little while, people start showing up for the next service.  They get out and go to the food vendors.

balls: ¿Señoras, ustedes conocen a la señora Blanco?

Aguas Frescas Lady:  ¿Cual?

balls:  La señora Blanco que trabaja con el ferry.

The ladies all giggle.

Taco Lady:  ¡Seguro que vendrá en unos minutos!  ¡Ella siempre va a las misas de la tarde!

balls:  ¿Porqué dice éso?

Fruta Lady (laughing):  ¡Debe de ser porque tiene que hacer cuentas de todo lo que tiene que confesar!

balls: ¡Muchas gracias!  Cuando llegue, me pueden indicar quién es?  ¿Saben si la señora habla inglés?

Taco Lady:  Si quiere puede ir al salón de atrás.  Ella es la maestra de la escuela dominical.  Y sí, sí habla inglés.

balls (to the ladies) Gracias. (to tWBS):  Sweet!  We are in luck!

tWBS:  What’s the dealio?

balls:  She teaches Sunday School, she speaks english, and she’s in the room behind the church!

tWBS:  Let’s go!  Hopefully we can convince her.

The duo head around the back and peek in through the door window.

balls:  You still have that Viagra?

tWBS:  What are you saying?

balls:  We might need your dick to get us across the Sea of Cortés.

tWBS:  You know, I would normally have a smart-ass remark for that, but I can’t really think right now.

balls:  So, you think you can use your wily charms to get us a ticket?

tWBS:  I will do my best.

balls:  You have the Viagra?

tWBS: I am not going to need it.

balls:  You haven’t seen her face yet.

tWBS:  And if I do my job correctly….I never will.  Besides…that ass…

balls:  Right?

tWBS:  And this is Sunday School in Mexico?

balls:  Not bad, eh?

tWBS:  Well, I do feel ready to learn.  And ready to find my higher power….so to speak.

balls:  Do me proud!

tWBS: One:  Yes.  Two:  Phrasing

balls:  If you can get us a ticket on tonight’s ferry with Dave, I won’t say anything anymore about Archer quotes.

tWBS:  Cover me, I’m going in.

[Door Flies Open]

tWBS is about to storm in and do his best to seduce Señorita Blanco, when he notices for the first time, a couple dozen kids staring at him.

balls:  Can you at least wait until the students leave?

tWBS:  Oh yeah!

[Door Flies Closed Again]

Five minutes pass by and the students finally leave.

tWBS:  Now?

balls:  Yeah, and you better hurry.

[Door Flies Open Again]

tWBS walks in as the students are exiting.

tWBS (in his best redneck seductive tone): Señorita Blanco….Hola!

When she turns to face him, tWBS quickly remembers balls words from before…..

(balls:  You haven’t seen her face yet.)

Señorita Blanco:  ¿Si?

tWBS (to himself):  OH SON OF A…!!!!!!!!

tWBS runs to the window where balls is still concealed just outside.

tWBS:  Psssst….Viagra.  Fast.

balls (laughing while handing over the Viagra):  I tried to tell you.

tWBS (desperately grabbing everything in balls’ hands):  Thanks.  Now get lost, I need to concentrate and get this done as quickly as possible.  Yeeesh.

[Door Flies Open Again]

balls: Wai….

[Door Flies Closed]

balls walks away but keeps a lookout just in case anyone would want to enter the room.  An hour later, tWBS emerges sweaty and with a smile on his face.

tWBS:  Got a space for Dave!  Let’s go to the dock.

balls:  I’m so proud of you.  And your penis.

tWBS: Yeah, this one kinda makes up for Mónica.  At least there was no metal in anyone’s ass.  Oh, here’s your bag back.

balls:  You didn’t…..

tWBS:  I had to.  You saw her.  Hell if I could have found another bag I’d have put one on my head in case hers….

balls:  No, I mean why did you use THIS bag?

tWBS:  It’s just a bag, dude.  Relax.  But it was kind of amazing.  It was almost as if it magically made her….well, it’s hard to explain.  It probably sounds stupid, but….

balls:  No, I get.  I’m just a little unsettled.  And I don’t really want to touch this bag anymore.

tWBS:  Oh relax.  It was only on her head.  Well except for that couple of minutes when…

balls:  I don’t want to know.

tWBS:  No, not that.   But speaking of stuff in people’s asses…

balls:  You really like that, don’t you?

tWBS:  NO, not in MY ass!  I said that wrong.  I’m a little tired, ok?

balls:  Ok, I think you’ve earned the nine hours of sleep we are going to get on this boat.

tWBS:  Let’s go before she puts her clothes back on.  If she sees you, she might freak out.  Besides, she said she needed to hurry to make it to the next mass.

balls:  And now you know why we have so many masses!

The duo hurry back to Dave and get in the line for the ferry.  Once the ferry arrives, they drive on, strap Dave in place, and crack a beer.

tWBS:  Where are we sleeping?

balls:  I was going to stay right here.  Are you going to go outside again?

tWBS:  No, I don’t think so.  I don’t need another bite in the taint thankyouverymuch.

balls: Alright, Hotel Du Dave it is!

The duo continue sipping their beers until they get sleepy.  Finally, balls asks….

balls:  So, you ever gonna tell me what happened when you went back in the church to take a leak?  You were in there a long time.  When you came back out you looked like you’d seen a ghost.

tWBS:  Maybe after we stop for a Mex….errrrr….Spanish/English dictionary.

balls:  Really?  Just tell me, I can translate.

tWBS:   No.

balls:  Why?

tWBS:  I don’t know yet.  I’m going to sleep.  Good night.

balls:  Good night.

tWBS:  Please don’t come inside again.

balls:  That’s what your mom said to your dad!

tWBS:  Asshole…

tWBS drifts off to sleep with “asshole” still on his lips…no not like that.  When he begins to snore, balls reaches into his paper luggage and pulls something out…

balls places the small book in Dave’s center console.

balls: (giggling as he drifts off to sleep):  El Camino… What a fucking dumbass.

To Be Continued…