Editors’ Note:  Welcome to Nogales Week!!  This week’s installment is so big, yummy, and delicious (phrasing) that it will be spread out over the entire week.  Feel free to tell us about your drunken/drug-fueled escapades in Nogales (or any other border town) in the comments!  Enjoy the ride…

[8:54am, Interior of Dave as he speeds north on La 15]

tWBS nods in and out of sleep as balls drives.  The terrain is beautiful yet boring at the same time.  After a little while balls also begins to feel himself nod off.

balls:  Shit, I’m gonna kill us if I’m not careful here

tWBS (dreaming and talking in his sleep):  No baby, it won’t kill you.  It won’t even hurt.  I promise I’ll be careful.  Just…..relax.  I promise it’ll be fine….

balls (sighing):  Oh FFS.

After another moment, balls clicks Dave’s radio on and cranks the volume up as high as it will go….

tWBS (very awake suddenly):  JESUS MAN!??!?!?!?!

balls:  Oh sorry….did that wake you?

tWBS:  Grumble grumble.

balls:  hehehe

tWBS:  Wait, where are we?  Holy shit how long did I sleep?

balls:  Relax, we’re still about an hour south of Nogales.  We’re fine.

tWBS (nervously):  No, we’re not.

balls:  What do you mean?

tWBS begins frantically searching for the map while trying to look around to get his bearings.

tWBS:  OK, see that intersection up there?  Get in the left lane.

balls:  But we’re going to Nogales.

tWBS:  Not yet we’re not.  We have to make a stop.

balls:  Is this another one of those “need to know” things?

tWBS says nothing, but only holds up the folded piece of paper Luis gave him.

balls:  That’s a yes, I presume.

tWBS:  Just turn left and stop asking questions.  Trust me, you’ll like the payoff.

balls:  So where are we going then?

tWBS:  For a Mexican you sure don’t know much about Mexican geography.  Turn left and get on La 2.  We’re going to Santa Ana.  It’s not far out of the way and I need to talk to….someone.

balls:  You’re not about to get me shot again, are you?

tWBS:  I didn’t get you shot before.  And also, no.  Probably.

balls:  Shit.

balls hangs a left and gets on La 2.  Within only moments the little town of Santa Ana unfolds.  And then within only moments more, it’s gone again, behind them.

tWBS:  Shit.

balls:  What?

tWBS:  I can’t remember where it is.  Turn around and go back.

balls:  Wow.  This makes me feel much better Mr. “I’m an expert in Mexican geography”.

tWBS:  Just do it.

balls checks Dave’s mirrors, sees nothing (it is the outskirts of Santa Ana, Sonora, Mexico, after all) and hangs a hard U turn.  After a moment, tWBS shouts out….

tWBS:  There.  Turn there…on the left.

balls:  You gotta be shitting me.

tWBS:  Oh come on, you can’t be that surprised.  Plus, she’s really hot.

balls:  She?

tWBS:  Oh, that got your attention, huh?  Just park over there and follow me.  And be nice.

balls:  I’m always nice.

tWBS:  Yeah sure…OK.

The two get out of Dave and walk into the Clinic.  The reception area is empty aside from a small middle aged woman who sits behind the counter.  When she sees tWBS walk in, she crosses herself.

Woman:  ¡¡Oh Dios mío!!

tWBS:  Alright Berta, enough of the theatrics.  And stop talking to me in Spanish.  Gimme some of the English I spent years teaching you, would ya?

Berta:  Oh, El Guapo,  I never thought I’d see you again.

tWBS:  I know, love.  But here I am.  Is she here?

Berta:  Si….but she is not going to be happy to see you.

tWBS:  They never are.  This is my good friend, balls.  We’re kinda on a quest.

Berta:  Estoy muy feliz de conocerlo, Señor balls. ¿Casi te ha matado?

balls:  Casi.  ¿Entonces eso pasa mucho, eh?

Berta laughs and says something in Spanish which tWBS doesn’t catch, but he laughs along anyway.

Berta (to tWBS):  She is just finishing up with someone.  When she is finished I’ll let her know you are here.  If you’re sure that’s what you want…

tWBS (laughing to himself):  It’s not about want.  I’ve been to see Luis.

Berta:  ¿Oh guapo, estás loco?

tWBS:  That seems to be the most likely theory, yes.  We’ll wait over here.

The two sit in the reception area.  After a moment, tWBS speaks.

tWBS:  This could get interesting, just so ya know.

balls:  Interesting like “getting shot” interesting?

tWBS:  Can’t rule it out.  But she’s more of a hitter.  Used to be at least.  In fact you’ll find this funny….there was this one time in Vegas, she had me bent over a blackjack table, but the pit boss came over and….hey, where are you going?

balls gets up and moves to the opposite side of the waiting room and sits down again.

balls:  You know….just in case.

tWBS:  Smart.

A few minutes later, a little girl and her mother exit the exam room.  The little girl is trying to hold a kitten who is decidedly against being held.  The kitten wiggles free and takes off.  Instinctively, tWBS gets up and tracks it down, scoops it up, and is about to turn and return it to its owner…when he stands up and finds himself face to face with….

Pretty Vet Chick:  I cannot believe you have the balls to step foot back here you piece of human garbage!!

The Pretty Vet Chick slaps tWBS across the face, hard.  The kitten hisses and scratches tWBS.  tWBS hands the kitten to the little girl and turns back to Pretty Vet Chick.  She slaps him again.

balls (to Berta):  Wow, I really like this gal.

Berta (laughing):  Right?

tWBS turns back towards Pretty Vet Girl again.

tWBS:  So, you done now…or….

She slaps him again.

tWBS:  Oh Come on!!!

The two stare at one another for a moment, then Pretty Vet Chick rears back to slap tWBS one more time but he catches her arm before she can.

tWBS:  Alright, that’s enough of that.

She tries to wrestle her arm free but can’t.  After a moment, she grabs tWBS behind the neck with her free hand and pulls him to her.  She kisses him….hard.

Little Girl’s Mother:  Gracias Berta y Doctora Solís, pero creo que vamos a encontrar un nuevo veterinario.

Dra. Solís:  Oh, no…Mrs. Morales, please it’s not what it looks….

Little Girl’s Mother:  Berta, regresaré después para pagar la cuenta. (looks at tWBS) … Después de que ÉL se vaya.

Dra. Solís (to tWBS):  How many clients is that you’ve cost me now?

tWBS:  I’ll tell you if you promise to hit me again.  Only next time I get to choose where.

Dra. Solís:  You’re not funny.

tWBS:  Wasn’t trying to be.

Dra. Solís (looking at balls): Who’s he?

tWBS:  He’s my friend, balls.  (to balls)  balls, please say hello to Leticia Solís.  Veterinarian extraordinaire.  She’s also a little insane.

Leticia:  Yeah, like you’re not responsible for at least some of that.

tWBS:  Well I can’t say you’re wrong.  But can we talk?

Leticia:  Fine.  Follow me and come in the back…

tWBS begins to say “Phras……”

Leticia:  Don’t you dare say it.  Now follow me.

tWBS and balls follow Leticia to the back treatment area of the clinic.

Leticia:  Sit.  And tell me.  You look like shit, btw.

tWBS:  Thanks, how charming.  You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Leticia:  Fuck you.

tWBS:  You wish.  And besides…what exactly is it you’d like me to tell you?

Leticia:  Don’t fuck around.  You wouldn’t be here if there wasn’t a reason.  You’re in trouble again.

tWBS:  Couldn’t I just miss you and decide to come and say “Hello”…?

Leticia:  Well, you could.  But you never have.  So…..

tWBS:  Luis.

Leticia:  Nooooo…..You didn’t….

tWBS:  Yeah, I kinda did.

Leticia:  And then you thought it was a good idea to come here?

tWBS:  Well see….that’s the thing.  He’ll come here first more than likely.  I would if I was him.

Leticia:  And so now you two come here and try to get me to….

tWBS:  Yes.  I only need to dodge him until morning.

Leticia:  I told you I’d never do this shit again.  Remember?  I ought to call him right now and tell him you’re here.

tWBS:  Yeah, you probably should.  But you won’t.  24 hours, that’s all I need.

Leticia:  Wait…you’re going….there….aren’t you?

tWBS:  Yes.

Leticia:  To find……?

tWBS:  Yes.

Leticia:  For you…?

tWBS:  Oh God no, love.  You’re the only girl in Mexico for me.  (points to balls) …. For him.  We’ll be out of town by morning.  Just need to buy time.

Leticia:  Fine.  But when will I see you again?

tWBS:  Well, if you can’t buy me time with Luis, probably very soon.  At my funeral.

Leticia:  *sigh*  Fine.  But you better not make me regret this like last time.

tWBS:  Thanks, love.  You’re the best.

tWBS stands and approaches Leticia.  He slides an arm around her waist, kisses her gently on the neck and asks….

tWBS:  Have you ever been to San Felipe….?

–

balls and tWBS walk back to the reception area and are about to leave.

Berta:  Try not to get yourself killed, Guapo Doctor.

tWBS walks behind the counter and hugs Berta.

tWBS:  “Try not to get yourself ALL KILLEDED AND JUNK“, Berta.  Do you remember none of the redneck I taught you?

Berta laughs, crosses herself, but says nothing.

tWBS:  And stop calling me Guapo Doctor.  It’s been a while now since I’ve been either.  (to balls) ….  Let’s go.

balls and tWBS walk out and approach Dave.

tWBS:  I’ll drive now.

balls:  Wait, what was all that about?

tWBS:  Luis is her brother.  She’s going to block for us.  We’ve got about 24 hours.  Maybe.

balls:  Whoa, whut????  The two of them came from the same genetic pool….?  I mean he’s…..and she’s….

tWBS:  Yup.

balls:  OK, but 24 hours for what?

tWBS only grins and says….

tWBS:  Keys.

balls tosses him the Dave keys and climbs into the passenger seat.

–

tWBS backs Dave out of the parking lot and heads east on La 2.  Quickly enough, they reach the same intersection again.  tWBS turns left, headed north again on La 15.

balls:  Sooooo…..

tWBS:  So….what?

balls:  Leticia….?

tWBS:  What about her?

balls:  Well, she doesn’t seem like someone you’d just…you know…not ever call.

tWBS:  One question.

balls:  Huh?

tWBS:  I’ll answer one question about Leticia.  Make it a good one.

balls thinks for a moment, then smiles to himself.

balls:  Why does she hate you?

tWBS:  Hate?  Is that what you got?

tWBS thinks for a moment and says….

tWBS:  It’s complicated.

balls:  Well….she just seems like….well, the female version of you.

tWBS:  I wouldn’t tell her that if I were you.

balls:  Good point.

tWBS:  Hahahahah.  OK, it’s like this…. we met at the wrong time.  The passion, the compatibility.  No worries there.  But the circumstances and timing was the undoing.  She’ll always be dear to me.  But I’m pretty sure our time has passed.  Story of my life.

balls:  But still….she obviously feels….

tWBS:  Dude….

balls:  And you invited her to San Felipe, which is cool and all, don’t get me wrong…mi casa es su casa…. but…..

tWBS:  First, that was racist.  Second…..you did hear me say “One question”….right?

–

About an hour later, Dave and Co. roll into Nogales, Sonora, Mexico.  tWBS slows way the fuck down really damned quickly once they hit town.

balls:  You OK there?  Your foot fall asleep?

tWBS:  If there’s one place in the world you don’t want to speed, especially with a shitload of alcohol and drugs in tow…it’s here.

balls:  Oh this is your whole “the big bad Federales scared me” routine again, right?

tWBS looks at balls but says nothing.

balls:  Fine, sorry. To tell you the truth,  the whole two years we were in Sonora,  we never stepped foot in Nogales because of its reputation….So where are we gonna park?

tWBS:  You see that big fucking wall up there?

balls:  Yeah, why?

tWBS:  Because while you’re getting….heheheh…never mind.  But while you’re busy later, Dave will be safely parked in ‘Murrica.

balls:  But I thought we were supposed to be in Nogales MEXICO…not Nogales ARIZONA.

tWBS:  We are.  But not Dave.  He’s been thru enough and I am not leaving him on this side.  He’s gonna get a nice new rear window and some new paint where you let Luis shoot….

balls:  Wait…WHERE I LET LUIS SHOOT???

tWBS:  Fine.  Let’s not quibble over who let who shoot where….

balls:  Hehehehehe….

tWBS:  Fine, I’ll give you that one.

balls: Sorry, had to.  But are you really so worried about Mexicans taking your shit that you’re this paranoid?

tWBS:  No…I’m this paranoid about my shit getting fucked up while parked in Nogales.  No shit, balls….you ever park a fucking car in Nogales, Mexico?  I did.  Once.  ONCE!!!  This is not negotiable…Dave crosses and stays put.  We walk back.  Besides, Nogales is an “on foot” kinda town anyway.  (whispering) ….  which is code for be ready to run.

balls:  FUCK!!  So the reputation was well-deserved?

tWBS:  Afraid so,  Sunshine.

–

Fifteen minutes later….

tWBS:  Shit this is gonna take forever.

balls:  Nah, watch this. (balls rolls down his window)  Oh ladies….?

tWBS:  Are you insane?  What the fuck are you…think…ing….wow, they’re pretty cute.  I always did have a thing for a woman wearing a sidearm.  You think we have time to….

balls:  And you’re calling me insane???

tWBS:  Yeah fine, whatever.  Go ahead and work your magic.  But it’s not them we need to be worried about.  See that guy up there in the blue?  That’s customs.

balls:  What’s the difference?

tWBS:  WTF kind of Mexican are you?  How can you not know the difference?  The folks in green haul you back to Mexico.  The folks in blue put you in federal prison for trying to sneak shit into ‘Murrica.  You do remember what’s in this truck right now…right?  Also, there might also be a loaded firearm somewhere in Dave which you don’t know about.

balls:  ARE YOU SHITTING ME????

tWBS:  Relax, we’re going in the ‘Murrica direction.  ‘Murrica loves guns.

There’s a knock on the passenger side door.

Hot Border Patrol Chick:  Do you have anything to declare?

tWBS (to balls):  You called her over.  You better answer her.

balls thinks for a moment then says….

balls:  Sí. ¡Declaro que eres la mujer más bella que he visto!

tWBS:  oh Jeebus…you gotta be kidding me with th…

Hot Border Patrol Chick (blushing now, and giggling just a bit):   ¿En serio?

balls:  Oh yeah.  I mean, just look at how that hot green uniform shows off your….features.

tWBS:  Wow, this is just sad.

balls (whispering to tWBS):  STFU…it’s working.

tWBS:  Yeah, sure it is.  I’ll call Penthouse Forums and inform them of your impending success.

balls (still whispering to tWBS):  Shut.  UP.  (Turning back to HBPC) … Look, my friend and I are in a hurry and if you could help us I’d be in your debt.  Maybe, if you have a break coming up, we could all get lunch together on the U.S. side?

balls holds up his paper luggage, opens it, and shows the contents to HBPC.

HBPC:  Sígueme.

balls rolls up his window.  tWBS asks…

tWBS:  What did that mean?

balls:  Follow her.

tWBS:  I will, but what did that word mean?

balls:  FOLLOW HER!

tWBS:  I WILL, BUT WHAT DID THAT WORD MEAN???

balls:  Oh FFS  *sigh*

HBPC climbs into her truck, hits her lights and sirens and begins to move toward the port of entry into the United States.  tWBS cuts between the barricades to follow her.

–

2 hours and 26 minutes later….

tWBS:  Fuck, Dave…I still can’t believe that shit worked ….  Inorite???

tWBS is parked on a dirt road on the outskirts of Nogales, Arizona.  He sits alone inside Dave at the moment, and directly in front of where he’s parked sits HBPC’s vehicle.  It is rocking quite energetically, and has been for the last hour.  It will likely need a new suspension when balls is done in there.  Maybe a new interior too.  Also, I really hope the U.S. Govt. didn’t go on the cheap and decide not to pay for the Scotch-Guard.  Sheeesh.

But anyway….

tWBS (looking at his watch, speaking to balls in absentia):  Jeeeez dude, wrap it up we got shit to do.  Daylight’s wasting.

After another few minutes, tWBS decides to become more proactive.  He picks up his cell phone and dials 1-877-USBP-HELP.  After a moment he speaks…

tWBS:  Hi, yes.  I’m on a dirt road just outside of Nogales, Arizona …  Right …  And one of your vehicles is parked here and it looks to me like one of your agents might be getting assaulted …  No, I’m not a crank, why does everyone always ask me that? ………  Yes, I can…..MO5717.

tWBS listens for a moment then begins laughing hysterically…

tWBS:  Hahahahaha!!!!  Hell yes, I’ll move further away….that is a GREAT idea thank you.  Good luck!!!

Rather than start the engine, tWBS merely takes off the parking brake and shifts to neutral.  Dave begins slowly…and quietly…rolling backwards down the incline, putting distance between himself and the rocking vehicle.  After a few moments, tWBS says…

tWBS:  Yeah, you’re right Dave.  That’s far enough.  We want it to be funny, but we don’t really want him to get deported ….  Oh right, not beaten or shot, either.

tWBS reapplies the parking brake and waits.

tWBS:  How long you think it will take?  Really?  Nah…my money’s on under five minutes.  Oh, and remind me later to ask balls where he got that bag.  I really need to get me one of those.  How about some music while we wait?

tWBS clicks on Dave’s radio….

Five minutes and 3 seconds later, the song ends and tWBS checks his watch again.

tWBS:  Shit Dave, looks like you won that one.  You’ll get to drink the high octane today, I guess.

About thirty seconds later, there’s a loud squelch on the PA of HBPC’s truck.  tWBS can’t hear the details from his distance now, but there was something about “Vehicle Located” said.  A moment later, tWBS sees the passenger side door open up and balls stumbles out.  His pants are around his ankles (jeeez Dude…two hours and you never even got around to taking them all the way off….unfuckingbelievable).  He begins to run…sort of…toward Dave.  HBPC’s truck peels out and disappears over the hill and a moment later, a Border Patrol Chopper flies past in pursuit of the vehicle.  balls finally reaches Dave.  He’s out of breath and sweating profusely.

[Door Flies Open]

tWBS:  Whoa, whoa, whoa…..I KNOW you’re planning to pull those pants up before you get in Dave.

balls pulls his pants up and climbs in.

balls:  That was shitty thing to do.

tWBS:  Hey man, we got stuff to do.

balls:  I didn’t even bang her yet!

tWBS:  What the fuck you’ve been doing for a fucking hour?!?!

balls:  One,  my jaw is sore…

tWBS:  Hehe…Niiiiice.

balls:  Shut up…. and two,  she had some interesting …equipment in there.

tWBS:  So you didn’t even?

balls:  I was about to when you pulled your little stunt. That’s why my pants were around my ankles.  What you thought I had them like that the whole time?

tWBS:  Well…

balls:  Dumbass! I dunno if I can forgive you this one.  She was freaky.

tWBS:  Yes you will.  In fact, I predict you’ll have forgiven me by this time tomorrow.

balls:  Not a chance.

tWBS (laughing):  Wanna bet? Hey,  btw, were her underwear green too?

balls reaches into his pants,  grabs a thong,  and tosses it in tWBS’ face.

balls:  You tell me.

tWBS:  You asshole! This is wet!

balls:  And pink.  I was surprised too.

–

Fifteen minutes later, tWBS sees the sign he’s looking for and rolls Dave into the auto glass shop’s parking lot.

The two walk inside.  When the auto glass dude sees tWBS he says…

Auto Glass Dude:  Oh my God!!!

tWBS turns to balls….

tWBS:  You know, I’m really starting to get offended that that’s how everyone reacts when I show up.  (turns back to the counter)  …  Hello again, Tony.

Tony (laughing):  Jeez man, long time no see.  My business ain’t been the same since you left.  You park on the other side again, or you just got a chip or something?

balls and tWBS look at each other and burst out laughing.

tWBS:  Yeah, it’s a chip alright.

Five minutes later, in the parking lot….

Tony:  Jesus man!!!  What happened??

tWBS (looking at balls):  Someone didn’t drive when they were supposed to.

Tony:  OK well, I’ve got the glass in stock, but the paint isn’t something I generally keep.  I’ll have to have that sent down from Tucson.  Might be late before I can find one that matches tho.

tWBS: That’s fine, we’ve got some things to do so we won’t be leaving until morning.  Cool if we leave him parked here with you until morning and then we’ll settle up?

Tony:  Works for me.  Just make sure you get any valuables out.

tWBS:  Yeah, speaking of that….

Tony:  Goddammit…what’s in there?

tWBS:  Just the…usual.

Tony (shaking his head):  Just cover it up then.  I’ll pull him around back and we’ll be fine.  Probably.

tWBS hands Tony the Dave keys and turns to Dave.

tWBS:  OK, Dave.  Tony is very nice.  He’ll take good care of you.  balls and I will be back first thing tomorrow.  You feel OK about this?

Tony (whispering to balls):  Is he OK?

balls:  I’m honestly not sure anymore.

tWBS pats Dave on the roof then opens the rear driver’s side door.  He pulls a blanket from behind the seat, unfolds it, and covers the “cargo” which is in the backseat.  He grabs balls’ paper luggage and hands it to him, then he opens the center console to retrieve his wallet and phone…

tWBS:  da Fuq?

tWBS reaches into the console and pulls out a book….

He looks over his shoulder quickly and sees that balls is still talking to Tony.  He stuffs the book down his pants and closes Dave’s doors.

tWBS:  OK, we ready?

To Be Continued…