Editor’s Note:  Welcome to the 3rd and final installment of NOGALES WEEK!!!!!!  Yeah, yeah, don’t worry….this is it.  Well at least for Nogales, anyway.  Next week, balls and tWBS start fucking shit up in Arizona.  Now that’s something you don’t want to miss.  Well, maybe you do…but go here if you need to get caught up.

–

Ten minutes later, neither of our heroes has spoken again.  balls finally breaks the silence…

balls:  So you know her?

tWBS:  Yes.

balls: And you were trying to…

tWBS:  Yes.

balls:  How do you know her?

tWBS:  At this point that doesn’t matter.  We need to find Manuel.

balls:  Why don’t we just go to…

tWBS:  Because I’m a fucking dumbass.  He’s got the paper.  I left it with him.  Without that, we can’t even get in.

balls:  Do you know where this place is?

tWBS:  Sort of…?

balls:  OK, let’s just go there and see what we can find.

tWBS:  I guess there’s no other choice.  (to the waitress) ….  Can we close out?

Waitress:  You’ve got it, dumbass.

tWBS (to balls):  Seriously….why is Mexico so mean????

The two pay their bill.  They descend the stairs and exit thru the courtyard to the street.  When they emerge, someone is waiting for them.

Leticia:  I knew you’d come here.  You’re not only predictable, but you really dicked this up.  Aren’t you glad I’m not Luis right now?

tWBS (smiling, face brightens):  I dicked this up?  And trust me, there have been many, many times I’ve been happy you’re not Luis.  Like remember that time when we….

Leticia:  Shut up.  And yes, you did dick this up.  And really goddamned badly.

Leticia kisses him on the cheek.

Leticia:  Did you not realize you could have just left Luis alone?  You could have asked me?  And why the fuck did you give it to Manuel?  You know the first thing he did was call Luis, right?  You’re lucky he was standing in my office when he took the call and that I drive faster than him.  But now, you’ve got Luis out to kill you. And I had to come all the way up here in order fix this and keep you and probably him too  (points to balls)  …. from getting killed.  I’d say that qualifies as dicking it up.

tWBS giggles to himself.

Leticia:  What?

tWBS:  Nothing.

Leticia:  Just tell me.

tWBS:  You said you “came all the way up here”.  I just figured you might be tired and need a nap.  Any soreness?  Need some Replens™ ?????

Leticia:  Wow, really?

tWBS:  OK fine…I’m happy to see you.  And not just because I dicked this up.  (to balls) …. Leticia and Salma are old friends.  Probably shoulda told you that to begin with.

Leticia:  Or realized it your own dumbass self.

tWBS:  Fair point.

balls:  So what now?

Leticia:  Now we try and fix what this fucking dumbass fucked up.  You in?

balls:  Hell yes!!!!

tWBS:  If it’s OK with everyone, I’d really like it if no one called me a fucking dumbass anymore.

Leticia and balls together:  Shut up you fucking dumbass!!!

tWBS:  Or not.

Leticia:  And I swear on my mother’s life tWBS…if I came all this way to save this for you, and you flirt with her in front of me even once, I WILL do what I threatened to do years ago.

tWBS can only giggle.

Leticia:  What?

tWBS:  “Came all this way”.  Sorry.

Leticia (to balls):  How are you friends with him?

balls:  I might ask you the same question.

Leticia:  Fair point.  Let’s go fix this and get you laid.

balls (to tWBS):  See, I knew I liked this gal, dumbass.

tWBS:  Oh Come on!!!!!

balls (to Leticia):  If you wanna hit him some more later I’ll hold him down.

Leticia:  Let’s do your thing first, then we’ll talk.

tWBS:  Oh Come on!!!!!

–

Ten minutes later the trio is walking the streets of Nogales.  The dusk has turned to night, and the nature of Nogales has changed.  Instead of the elderly looking for good deals on medications, the streets are now infested with perverts looking to get laid.  Speaking of which, balls and tWBS (and unfortunately for her, Leticia as well) walk up to a nondescript building.  A man stands at the door.  Unlike every other club in Nogales, he is not trying to solicit customers.  This place is obviously different from the rest.  Leticia approaches him and says something.  He ducks inside, then returns two minutes later.  When he does, he waves the trio inside.

They climb a long staircase to the 2nd floor, and they emerge into an empty barroom.

balls:  This is really nice, but no one’s here.  Are we sure this is the right place?

Leticia:  This is the place.  You guys order the drinks.  I’ll be right back.

tWBS:  Still Cuervo straight up?

Leticia:  Like that’s ever gonna change.

balls and tWBS order drinks for themselves and Leticia.  After a few minutes pass….

balls:  I’m scared.

tWBS:  Me too.

A few moments later, Leticia returns.

Leticia:  Manuel is not here, so that’s good.

tWBS:  What about Luis?

Leticia:  One thing at a time.  Don’t worry about a problem until it becomes one.

tWBS:  Soooo….you don’t know where he is then?

Leticia:  Also…yes.  (turning to balls) ….  balls, I’d like to introduce you to someone.  Come with me.

tWBS can’t help but giggle.

Leticia:  Dude!!!!!

Leticia takes balls to the back (hehehe), knocks on a door twice, then enters.  It is a large room bathed in red light.  There is a large bed against one wall and a large jet-powered tub along the opposite wall. In between and directly facing balls is a wall where almost every kind of sexual toy imaginable is hung.  In the middle of the room is what can be discreetly described as sexual furniture.  A familiar voice speaks.

Salma: ¡Hola Leticia!  ¿Cómo te va?

Leticia:  Bien, chica.  Te quiero presentar a un amigo.  Trátalo bien, ¿ok?

Salma (with a devilish smile):  ¡Como siempre!

Leticia:  Bueno, ahí nos vemos.

Leticia returns and sits with tWBS and waits.

Salma:  ¡Ciao! (to balls)  ¿Cómo te llamas?

balls:  Me llamo balls.

Salma:  ¿Cómo de que balls?  ¿De huevos o pelotas?

balls:  Es complicado.  Es de huevos pero tampoco quiero que me digan huevón, so…

Salma:  Comprendo.  ¿Sabes lo que va a pasar?

balls:  No tengo idea.

Salma:  ¿Leticia no te dijo nada?

balls:  Nope.

Salma:  Vas a ser mí esclavo sexual.

balls:  WHAT?

Salma:  You prefer english?  Ok.  Well, maybe slave was not the right word.  Sacrifice is better.

balls:  No, that’s actually not.  Whatchu talkin’ ’bout, Salma?

Salma:  Ok, I’m sure you’ve read the interviews where I tell people that I prayed for breasts and I finally got them.

balls:  Yes, of course!

Salma:  Well, part of that is true.  I did pray and I did get them and most people assume they know who I prayed to…

balls (slightly nervous):  Um, do I want to know?

Salma:  Probably not.  Leticia doesn’t know.  All she knows is that I come down to Nogales about once a month and I want to hook up with someone.  She doesn’t know that man is my monthly sacrifice.  If the man satisfies me, and by that I mean that I orgasm at least three times in 1 hour, he lives.  If not, well a lot of shit happens in Nogales, you know what I mean?

balls (gulps loudly):  Um, yeah?  (under his breath) I’m going to fucking KILL that dumbass!  (back to Salma)  Listen, since the stakes are that high, do you mind if I just step outside and grab my drink to relax a little?

Salma:  Go ahead, but if you breathe one word of this to Leticia, you are a dead man.  Got it?

balls:  ¡Si, señorita!

As balls slowly walks towards the door, Leticia and tWBS are downing shots of Cuervo.

Leticia:  For whatever it’s worth, this is a really nice thing to do for your friend.  Even if you did dick it up.

tWBS:  Awwwww….that might be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.

Leticia:  Don’t get used to it.  You know I still hate you…right?

tWBS:  Yeah, yeah…hate you too.  So, San Felipe?

Leticia:  I’ll be there.  But if you’re not, you’re dead to me.

tWBS:  So how long do you think this will take back there.

Leticia:  She’ll wear him out pretty quickly I think.

balls suddenly appears.

balls:  Hey, you got that Viagra?

tWBS:  YOU NEED VIAGRA FOR SALMA?!?!  What the fuck is wrong with you?

Leticia:  Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?

balls:  Nothing!  Look, I’m looking to give her the time of her life and I need to be able to get up to speed as quickly as possible.  This is just insurance for the long haul.

tWBS:  You’re lucky.  I happen to have two in my pocket.

balls takes one pill, pops it in his mouth, and swallows it using one of the shots that are on the table.

balls:  You may have just saved my life.  Wish me luck!

tWBS:  Da fuq does that mean?

Leticia:  Sooooo…you got another one those little blue pills, huh?

tWBS:  Well, they’re Mexican, so they’re not blue.  But….

Leticia:  How is it that after this long, you’ve never figured out yet when to STFU and just plow me?

tWBS:  Brain damage?

Leticia:  Yeah, that sounds about right.  Take the pill.

tWBS (smiling seductively):  You know how long I can go with this?

Leticia: I was just thinking about that…  There is another room here that Salma told me about.  Let’s go there.

As Leticia and tWBS get up from their chairs and head towards the end of the room where the other bedroom is, out of the window you can see a truck pull up.  Luis and Manuel get out and head towards the door.

In the meantime, balls has returned to the room.  Salma is naked and next to the jet tub.

Salma:  Take your clothes off and get in the tub.  I want you clean.

balls:  Yes maam!

balls strips down and gets into the soapy tub.  He does a quick scrub and, in the process of scrubbing and checking out Salma, Woodrow Wilson makes an appearance.

Salma:  Good!  I think you are ready now.  Come here.

Salma is lying down naked on the bed and smiles (NSFW, but fucking worth it) for balls to join her.

Meanwhile, in the other room,

Leticia:  Hey, WTF are you doing?  I’m over here!

tWBS:  Yeah, I know, just warming up.

Leticia:  Get inside me, you fucking dumbass!

tWBS:  Hey!  Oooh!  Hee hee..

tWBS and Leticia start having actual sex.  In Salma’s room, balls is playing with Salma’s nipples.  She is barking out orders and he is trying to follow them as quickly and efficiently as he can.  Suddenly, there is a knock on the door.

Salma:  I’m busy.  Get the fuck out!

[Door Flies Open]

Luis and Manuel have knocked it down and are looking…angry.

balls:  da Fuq?????

Luis:  Where is that weasely motherfucker?!?  I’m going to fucking kill his ass!

Back in Leticia’s and tWBS’ room,

Leticia:  You hear anything?

tWBS: Hrmff?

Back in Salma’s room,

balls:  Look man, I have no idea where he is.  Do you want to get the fuck out, maybe?

Manuel:  Fuck you!  That’s supposed to be me with Salma, not you!

Salma (to balls):  Just because you are Leticia’s friend.  (to Luis and Manuel)  Okay, boys, we’re going to make a deal and you are going to agree, okay?

Luis and Manuel:  Huh?

Salma:  Ok, you boys take over for ol’ balls here and Eiffel Tower my ass.  You better be good!

Luis and Manuel (stammering):  Huh? Whut?

Salma:  This is your once in a lifetime chance.  Are you going to take it or not?

Manuel (to Luis):  Don’t you fucking look at me during, Luis!

Luis (to Manuel): Same to you, maricón!

balls quietly and quickly puts his clothes on as Luis and Manuel start undressing and getting in the tub.

balls (whispering to Salma):  Thank you!

Salma (whispering back):  You owe me one, my love.  Actually…you might owe me more than one.  We’ll talk later, I promise.  Now go.  And take Leticia with you.  She is in the room with the green door.

balls: Thanks (kisses Salma on the cheek and exits the room)

balls heads to the green door and knocks.

balls: We gotta go!!!!

tWBS:  Go away.

Leticia:  Yeah, give us, what?  Two hours?

tWBS:  Wow, only two??  Oh ye of little faith.

balls:  You guys don’t understand.  Luis and Manuel are here.  Salma has them occupied, but we need to get the fuck out!

tWBS:  Whoa, what?  da Fuq didn’t you say so? Let’s go!!!!

Leticia and tWBS put their clothes quickly on and exit the room.  The three of them go downstairs, exit the bar, and head out into the Nogales night.  After they walk a good mile away, they see a hotel:

Leticia: This will work.

tWBS:  Yup!

They get two rooms.  Leticia and tWBS disappear into one and balls is left alone in the other.  He turns on the TV.

balls:  Fucking Woodrow!!

balls desperately changes the channel as quickly as he can…

balls:  Oh Come On!!!!!

There is a knock at the door…

–

6:02am the next morning…..

balls awakens.  He is disoriented, dehydrated….and his penis is really, really sore.  He staggers into the bathroom to take a leak and drink some water, and sees this on the bathroom mirror…

Below the note, written in red lipstick, is the word “NOW”.

balls:  Oh fuck, not again!!!!!

balls showers and dresses as fast as he can and hurries downstairs.  He emerges into the small dining area where the little motel serves its guests breakfast, and sees three people eating and laughing.

balls (to himself):  You gotta be shitting me.

tWBS:  Hey, there he is!!!  Finally man, we thought you were gonna sleep all day!!!

balls looks at his watch.

balls:  Dude, it’s fucking 6:15am.

tWBS:  Exactly!!!!

balls:  So is anyone gonna tell me what happened last night?

tWBS (to Leticia):  You wanna tell him?

Leticia:  Nooooo…no no.  (gesturing to the 3rd person at the table) …  I think she should.  Don’t you?

tWBS (giggling):  That might be interesting….let’s see how that works out, shall we?

Salma leans across the table and gazes deep into balls’ eyes.  His gaze locks with hers and his breathing slows noticeably….

Salma:  You are a stallion my love, but I could never keep a man like you satisfied.  Your destiny is further along.  You must seek HER further north now.  She is waiting to be found by the one who is worthy.  Now go, my love.  Don’t let me down.  Prove yourself….to HER.

Fifteen minutes later the four stand outside the little motel in the early morning sunlight.  tWBS, Leticia and Salma all exchange hugs goodbye.  balls still seems a bit dazed.

tWBS:  balls?  You OK?  (to Salma) … you didn’t hurt him did you?

Salma (seductively):  You’re the one I want to hurt, Papi.

tWBS opens his mouth to reply, thinks better of it, and looks at Leticia sheepishly.

Leticia:  Smart choice…you fucking dumbass.

Salma laughs then says…

Salma:  Don’t worry.  He should be fine in…3…2…1…

balls:  Whoa!!!!!  WTF just happened?  How’d we get outside?

The other three all laugh.

tWBS and Leticia embrace.  He whispers to her  (Next month, I’ll see you then).  She whispers back  (No shit, if I show up and you don’t, you’re a dead man).  As the two part, Leticia slaps tWBS across the face, hard.

tWBS:  Wow…really?

Leticia:  Consider it a deposit on whatever fucking dumbass shit you pull next.  (to Salma)  ….  Be safe getting home.

Salma:  Oh, I’m not going home.  I’ve got a gig in L.A. so I’m heading up I-19 to Tucson and then I’ll take I-10 west the rest of the way.

tWBS snickers.  balls shakes his head in disgust.

–

balls and tWBS walk about a quarter mile and turn a corner and approach the pedestrian port of entry back into the United States…

tWBS:  Just so you know, we’re gonna be in a long line this time probably.

balls:  Really?  This early?

tWBS:  It’s actually worse this early.  It’s just like rush hour.  Lots of Mexican nationals have U.S. work visas and cross the border daily for work, but still live in Mexico.

balls:  I bet Trump loves the shit out of that.

tWBS giggles:  You’re presuming he’s informed enough to even know.

balls:  Good point.

tWBS:  Shit, I knew it.

balls:  Whoa.

tWBS:  Meh.  Gives us time to talk.  So, apparently we’re supposed to head north.

balls:  Yes.

tWBS (snickers):  What route should we take?

balls:  How should I know?  You’re more familiar with Arizona than I am and it’ll depend on what we……OHHHHHHH….shit.

tWBS:  Say it.  You promised.

balls:  Shit.  I-19 north.

tWBS:  There it is!!!!!  God bless you Eisenhower!!!!

They move along in line more quickly than expected and soon they are almost at the front.  balls asks…

balls:  You weren’t kidding about these Customs dudes man.  Why are they so heavily armed?

tWBS:  To keep your Mom from….shit…I had something for this.  Oh well.  Anyway….it’s all the post 911 hysteria ongoing man.  And also budgets at this point I’m sure.  Gotta buy better guns this year to make sure to spend all our dough and don’t get cut next year kinda thing.  I mean dude, do you realize that before all of that, all you needed to cross back into the U.S. from Mexico was a valid U.S. driver’s license from any state and….

balls:  ….and….?

tWBS:  Fuck!! Fuck!! Fuck!!  PASSPORTS MAN!!!!  Oh holy shit, balls.  This is bad, this is really really bad.  Shit.

Just then, the customs agent at the kiosk calls tWBS and balls next.

tWBS:

balls:  Dude, would you relax?

tWBS:  No man, you don’t get it.  We’re stuck here now.  We’re gonna die in a Mexican prison.  And you’ll be fine bcuz you’re pretty.  And Mexican.  They’ll love you.  You’ll become some guy named Juan’s bitch in no time and you’ll be set.  BUT WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEE???  I’M TOO OLD TO GO BACK BALLS!!!!  I WON’T MAKE IT AGAIN ON THE INSIDE!!!

balls: Dude…

Customs Agent (still waiting, to balls):  Is he OK?

balls:  I’m honestly not sure anymore.

Customs Agent:  I’ve got a line here, can we hurry this up.

tWBS (with a “eureka” moment):  The bag!!!!  Show him the bag!!!!!!

Customs Agent:  Whoa!!  What bag is he talking about?

balls hands the customs agent his paper luggage.  The agent opens it, inspects it very closely, then hands it back to balls.

Customs Agent:  What about it?

balls:  No idea.  But here….

balls reaches into his back pocket and pulls out two U.S. Passports and hands them to the agent.  The agent gives the old clickety clackety on his keyboard for a few seconds then hands the passports back to balls and waves the pair thru.

tWBS:  WTF just happened?

balls:  I dunno why you were worried.  Even acting like a raving lunatic like you just did, the guy never gave you a second thought.  It must be nice to be white.

tWBS:  It is.  It really is.

balls hands tWBS his passport back.

balls:  Here…..  This fell out of Dave when I opened the door that first day when you picked me up.  I just forgot to give it back to you until now.  Be more careful next time….ya fucking dumbass.

tWBS:  Ok…that one I had coming.

balls:  Hehehehehe…Phrasing.

tWBS:  That one too, I guess.  Let’s go get Dave and get the fuck out of here.

balls:  Sounds good.

–

The two walk along the early morning streets of Nogales, Arizona.  The bustle has already begun.  They turn off the main drag and head for Dave.  Suddenly, there’s the loud sound of a vehicle approaching them….

The truck speeds by without slowing down.

balls:  You gotta be shitting me.  Wow, I bet she’s had a worse night than us.

A moment later….

tWBS:  Oh shit.  Just act natural.

balls:  And how do you suggest I do that?

tWBS:  Try to look….whiter?

The chopper quickly moves on to continue its pursuit.

balls:  Maybe we should proceed with plan “get the fuck out of here”….?

tWBS:  Indeed.

The two begin walking again.

balls:  You know, this was fun and all….and I really do appreciate how much trouble you went to for me.  But honestly, I’m happy to be back in the U.S.  Aren’t you?

tWBS:  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

balls:  No?  I thought….

tWBS falls to his knees…..

tWBS:

balls:  Dude, what are are talking about?

In tears, tWBS tries to speak again but cannot.  He can only point.  balls looks in the direction he’s pointing.  He sees Dave….or at least he thinks it’s Dave….parked in the street in front of the auto glass store.  He has a new rear window and some new paint.  To say the least.  tWBS stands up again and begins running towards the auto glass store and screaming something unintelligible…

balls:  OH.  SHIT.

–

Ten minutes later, balls has managed to calm tWBS down enough that he’s no longer homicidal.  For now at least.  No promises going forward….but for now he’s huddled in a corner weeping.

balls (to Tony):  How….why….WTF?????

Tony:  I dunno man.  Honestly it’s all a haze now.  Shelly got here with the paint while I was installing the glass and there was a black plastic bag in the backseat tWBS didn’t cover up all the way….and we got curious and….. it’s all a blur after that.

Just then, a young lady emerges from the back of the shop.  She is holding an empty black plastic bag and she asks…

Shelly:  Hey baby, we got anymore of these stickers?

tWBS jumps up suddenly and rushes towards Tony….

But balls heads him off and catches him just in time.  tWBS struggles to reach Tony’s throat for a few moments, but comes up just short.  He collapses in tears again.

balls (to tWBS):  Why don’t you go outside and comfort Dave.  He probably needs you right now.

tWBS (sobbing absently):  Yeah.  Yeah…that’s a good idea.  I need to be strong right now for him.

tWBS exits the store and goes outside.  He hugs Dave.  Maybe even kisses him a little….perhaps much too erotically even.  But at least didn’t go for the tailpipe.

Tony:  That guy is straight up batshit.

balls turns, visibly angry.

balls:  Yeah Tony…that guy IS straight up batshit.  But he’s got a good heart and he loves that truck.  He trusted you with it and now look at it.  Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t go ahead and just let him kill you for sport????????

Five minutes later, balls exits the store and says…

balls:  Let’s go…we’re good.

tWBS:  GOOD????????  LOOK AT HIM!!!!!!!!!!

balls:  OK, take a deep breath and try to listen to me for a second.  We’re gonna get him fixed.  Tony’s guy is gonna do it all, on Tony’s dime.

tWBS (calms a little):  What’s the catch?

balls:  Well….we have to drive him to Tucson this way.

tWBS:  No fucking way, balls.  No way.  I am not driving this…..THING!!!  (sorry Dave, I didn’t mean that)

balls:  OK, how about this?  I’ll drive from here to Tucson….then we get him fixed, then you can be reunited….?

tWBS:  Wait….really?

tWBS thinks for a moment….

tWBS:  You want to drive….YOU want to drive THIS truck as it is now painted…..between here and Tucson?

balls:  Why not?

tWBS ponders this for a moment, and his mood improves.

tWBS (laughing):  Fuck yes, this is going to be entertaining as fuck.

balls:  Why?

tWBS:  You’ll see….let’s go.

To Be Continued…..