I have access to a bunch of movie apps and I am amazed at the selection of movies. I’m also amazed how many of them suck ass. I’ll be reviewing them as I see fit. Warning, most of these are going to suck. And you will disagree. And I won’t care.

One of you boneheads, and I can’t remember which one because all of you are boneheads, challenged me to watch all of the Adam Sandler content on Netflix. I took up that mantle. Here are the results.

Title: Sandy Wexler
Starring: Adam Sandler
Elapsed Time Before Turning it Off: 10 minutes
You Will Like this Movie If: You used to watch ‘crush’ videos.

A bunch of celebrities who seem to be attending a formal party are interview in the beginning of this move. I assume it was to provide framing and waste film. Some are SNL alum, and others are Adam Sandler buttsniffers – like Chris Rock. Rock looks so fucking bad I thought he was still in character as Pookie the crackhead from ‘New Jack City.’

Apparently this Sandy Wexler is a complete and total loser. A guy who is an annoying two-bit manager, but he thinks he’s much more. He’s whiny, nasally, and repellent –not a big acting stretch for Sandler.

I hung in there until the scene where Wexler sees Arsenio Hall (who looks like he’s been turned into a wax figure with moving parts). Arsenio makes some lame white people joke and leaves.

I followed right after.

I would trade one of my children to watch Adam Sandler get his fucking face stuck in a bear trap coated with rubbing alcohol, monkey shit, and rotting flesh.

Title: The Ridiculous Six
Starring: Adam Sandler and Steve Zahn (he was the only recognizable guy I saw during the ten minutes I watched.)
Elapsed Time Before Turning it Off: 10 minutes
You Will Like this Movie If: Shoving your hand into a moving fan is your idea of a fun night out.

You know the movie is going to be a slop fest when the opening shot is the outside of a small trading post with signs like “No Injuns Allowed.” I think Daniel Snyder was a consultant for set design.

Then, it gets even fucking funnier.

Adam Sandler enters and is dressed like an Indian. Sorry, Native American. He doesn’t look like a Native American; he looks like a mopey Jewish guy with long hair that needs to be washed.

Topping off this shit sundae is Sandler’s voice – he sounds like Clint Eastwood. Yes, Adam Sandler playing a tough guy. It’s a hard sell because he also played a character called Canteen Boy.

It’s a hard sell because Sandler couldn’t act his way out of a wet paper bag.

Then some gang rides up, sexually harasses Sandler’s wife – she’s a babe – and he does some stupid ass martial arts move and beats them up.

My reaction, “Fuck this shit. I’m going to watch Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job.”

That’s what I did.

Title: The Do Over
Starring: Adam Sandler
Elapsed Time Before Turning it Off: 15 minutes
You Will Like this Movie If: Genital mutilation makes you horny.

At this point in the night, blood was pouring from my eyes.

I packed a wad of raw opium between my cheek and gum to alleviate the blinding, gut wrenching pain. The living room looked like it had been attacked by a PCP addled Samoan war party. A wicked piece of glass protruded from my knee. I had shattered a bourbon bottle after slipping in a pool of my own blood.

Back to my review.

Oh fucking hell. I feel sorry for David Spade, he’s a funny guy. Ever since Chris Farley died, Spade seems to have given up. But fuck it, I’d play these stupid, insipid roles if they were throwing bags of money at me. Still, it doesn’t take the sting away.

Opening scene is a high school reunion party. Some ragged MILF is dirty dancing with a drunken oaf (So far, it’s like any kind of DFO reunion party.) Spade, dressed like a sixth grade geography teacher from Skokie, Illinois, is watching.

Enter Adam Sandler!

He’s wearing a black leather shirt-jacket combo. I could taste the grit of bone and enamel as my teeth began to grind like tectonic plates after Rosie O’Donnell jumps on a trampoline.

Sandler calls the dirty dancer a drunken whore. Spade says that she’s his wife. FUCKING GODDAMN HILARIOUS! WHO WRITES THIS SHIT? The wife leaves with the drunken oaf and next thing you know . . . Sandler and Spade are at some hotel bar. There is no one at this bar.

Sandler is behind the bar, Spade is moping. They have a drink. Sandler reveals he works for the CIA or FBI – details were slipping past me as the opium bored further into the meat of my brain. Sandler explains he has killed 8 people. He is about to claim one more after I slit my wrists.

I forgot to mention that SandlerShit was using the same tough guy gravelly voice from that other shit milkshake of a movie.

Weeping, dizzy from lack of blood, trying to ignore the dog sized tarantulas that were occupying my peripheral vision, I smashed the television. I wrenched open the door and screamed out “Muhfugshokkadickimmabourblegolgothat!” The cool night air did nothing to relieve my pain; it could only absorb the gut wrenching screams issuing from my raw, savaged throat.

I hope you assholes appreciate the lengths I go to in order to write this stupid shit. I have kids, you know.