The scene: Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s new van. Well, new for Marc. This thing has really seen better days. In any event, Doktor Zymm is behind the wheel, although she’s not driving. She’s actually on her phone. Ballsofsteelandfury is asleep in the passenger seat, and Marc Trestmans Windowless Van and Covalent Blonde are asleep in the back seat. A flock of seagulls can be seen out of the front win-
No, no. That’s not what I…
OK, fine. Here.
Ballsofsteelandfury (waking up): Whoa, I feel like I’m at my junior high Sadie Hawkins dance.
Covalent Blonde (also waking up): Hey, what the hell, Zymm? Shouldn’t you be, y’know, driving?
Doktor Zymm: Nein, nein. It ist fine.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (waking up): Whoa! Hey, Zymm, did you make my van self-driving?
Doktor Zymm: Nein, I…
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Because that would be, like, awesome, man! I could, like, be blazing away and, like, not even have to mess with the steering wheel and those pedal-thingies…
Covalent Blonde: You mean the accelerator and the brake?
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Yeah, man! I could just be cruisin’ down the road, blasting Pearl Jam and hittin’ the bong…
Ballsofsteelandfury: That’s pretty much what you do anyway, Marc.
Covalent Blonde (looking out the window): Huh. Hey, Zymm…are we flying?
Ballsofsteelandfury and Marc Trestmans Windowless Van look out the window to see the Pacific Ocean a few hundred yards below.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Whoa! Dude, like, I have a flying van now!
Doktor Zymm: Nein. Ve are not flying. Ve are being carried by ein helicopter. I called Steve ze Ninja und told him ve needed a ride to mein island.
Covalent Blonde: Your island?
Doktor Zymm: Ja, vell, it vas Perzival’s, but since I defeated him it only zeems fair zat I take his island.
Covalent Blonde: You defeated him? I don’t remember you up there on the moon, beating space ninja ass.
Doktor Zymm: Ja, true. I vas instead buying out ze shell company zat ze island vas held under und transferring ze ownership papers.
Ballsofsteelandfury (looking around): Hey, where’s Moosemas Gorilla?
Doktor Zymm: On ze roof. He vanted a better view for ze trip.
Moosemas Gorilla’s furry face appears upside down in the front windshield. He has a yuuuge grin and waves a fuzzy paw.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (climbing over Ballsofsteelandfury): Whoa! Me, too, dude! I wanna better view, too, man!
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van crawls over Ballsofsteelandfury and out the passenger window. He starts to slip but a large furry arm grabs him and hauls him up onto the roof of the van.
Ballsofsteelandfury: So why are we heading to this island anyway?
Doktor Zymm: Because I have need of a Dimensional Energy Retrieval Portal. Ven ve vere on ze island, I noticed zat Perzy had vone. It vill be of great use in retrieving Horatio, Fozz und ze Man in Plaid’s head.
Ballsofsteelandfury: Yeah. Nothing will go wrong with us mucking around in other dimensions.
Covalent Blonde: Aw, cheer up. I’ll protect you. Hey, Zymm, who’re you calling, anyway?
Doktor Zymm: Ze clubhouse. I vas thinking DTZM vould be back by now, but no vone ist answering…
Cut to: The DFO clubhouse, where Litre Cola and The Maestro are now hanging upside down over a large plexiglass tank next to Unsurprised. Future Clone Debbie Harry is currently filling the tank with salt water from a large hose.
Future Clone Debbie Harry: Oh, bother. This is going to take all day. If I could find that stupid lackey of mine…
Litre Cola: Don’t hurry on our account, eh?
The Maestro: Sure. We can hang here all day if you need to go out or something.
Future Clone Debbie Harry: Why, you two are so polite! Not at all like this one.
Future Clone Debbie Harry nods at Unsurprised, who sticks his tongue out at her.
The Maestro: Hey, did you want to go look for this lackey of yours?
Litre Cola: Yeah, there’s an idea, eh? This would probably go a lot better if he was around to help.
Future Clone Debbie Harry: Well…
The Maestro: Sure, and you still have to go find piranha.
Litre Cola: And then work them into a feeding frenzy. That’s got to be time-consuming, eh?
Future Clone Debbie Harry: How do I know that you won’t try to escape?
The Maestro: From these ropes? You tied us up tight, eh?
Litre Cola: Yeah, who do we look like? Dean Gunnarson?
Unsurprised: Who?
Future Clone Debbie Harry: Why, the famous Canadian escape artist, of course!
The Maestro: Yeah, everyone knows that, eh?
Future Clone Debbie Harry: Look, I really could use my lackey’s help. So if you promise not to escape…
Litre Cola: Oh, sure. We’ll wait right here for ya, eh?
Future Clone Debbie Harry (leaving the clubhouse): All right, then. You three just stay there and I’ll be back in no time at all to torment you!
The Maestro: Sure, take your time, eh?
Future Clone Debbie Harry leaves. Moments later there’s the sound of a motorcycle firing up, and then the sound of it driving off.
The Maestro (to Litre Cola): I think she took your bike.
Litre Cola: I hope she notices it needs gas. I wouldn’t want her to get stranded out there.
Unsurprised: Right. Because we wouldn’t want the psycho who wants to feed us to a tank full of killer fish to be inconvenienced. Look, now that she’s gone, can we try to get free?
The Maestro: Oh, sure. We’re polite, not stupid.
As the three struggle to get free, there’s a knock on the door.
The Maestro (calling out): Just come in, eh! We’re a bit tied up here.
Liter Cola: That’s jokes!
The knocking resumes, and more insistent this time.
Unsurprised (yelling): Look, dickhead, just open the damn door!
The knocking stops.
The Maestro: Maybe you scared them off…?
[DOOR FLIES OPEN]
In the open doorway stands…the Angry Girl Scout! She is eerily backlit, and smoke wafts menacingly around her.
Angry Girl Scout: Guess who’s back…!!!
To be continued…
http://pic.epicfail.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/elco.gif
http://www.bontheball.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/dancing-with-the-stars-fail.gif
http://www.comedycentral.co.uk/sites/default/files/cc_uk/galleries/large/2014/10/22/treadmill_fail.gif
Btw the Dean Gunnerson reference was a deep pull and I did know who he was.
That wasn’t even a B side; it was a bonus cut from a compilation album.
I MADE THE BANNER QUOTE I MADE THE BANNER QUOTE I MADE THE BANNER QUOTE!!!!!!!!!
Although it did come from a post about rimjobs. I hope that doesn’t “taint” the value of the honor very much.
To me, it enhances it.
http://static.fjcdn.com/gifs/Dude+gets+hit+by+a+car_3f891c_5018237.gif
When I finally made in it was dumb word play with Blake Bortles and abortion…
http://pic.epicfail.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/26.gif
I always wondered what it felt like to take one of those marker poles right in the jimmy. If it were up to me I’d make every 4th one out of rebar, just as a reminder.
I guess some of those guys wear cups. Years ago I was watching a race and the dude went down; he straddled it and although they didn’t replay it; it looked like it knocked the chil’ren right out of him. Getting slapped by those things is a very specialized fetish at any rate.
http://www.ineedtolol.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/14238466769003-6xg0z.gif
Childhood video.
http://www.ohmagif.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/kids-subject-of-interest.gif
Childhood? Hell there are stairs at the bar I work at and diners below can upskirt the hell out of the ladies if they were so inclined
Childhood is just where I received my fetish training
Sadly the “eh” stereotype rings very true with me. Living overseas i found that I did say eh a lot, the Scots just laughed but in Australia they made fun of me. Now we will just drive Unsurprised crazy with it which is fine by me! Luckily the “Aboot” stereotype is very wrong nobody i have come across speaks like that. We, for the most part are polite though.
Thank you for your time.
Last project I worked on in Canada:
“A boot scraper.”
“Aboot what scraper?”
*Not jesting
I don’t know where that specific linguistic anomaly would come from, maybe valley folk in Ontario, or Quebecois folk speaking English? It certainly isn’t a dialect from Western Canada. People in the Maritimes sound more Irish than anything, especially Newfoundlanders.
This was near Edmonton, but there were people from all over Canada in the conversation. Can’t remember who said it specifically. I give myself a tiny bit of credit for not laughing.
If you read my NHL playoff preview for Edmonton, that city is the worst. Just the worst. It is not because I live in Calgary, hell I am from Winnipeg and it is awful in the winter, whereas Edmonton is awful all the time unless you are into meth, big trucks and missing teeth.
Of all the places I’ve traveled, Edmonton has the highest ratio of shitty restaurants per capita. You’d think with long winters you’d have at least some places to eat. Also apparently First Nation women just go missing all the time and no one gives a shit. On the other hand people were very polite, which to me, is underrated.
Including McPherson, Kansas.
Orange, Texas.
Olathe, Colorado.
Mount Airy, Maryland.
http://pic.epicfail.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/L80ff.gif
http://pic.epicfail.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/hpsm.gif
Was there any doubt that one of these would lead to the other?
http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/comey-testimony-leaves-a-question-about-sessions-unanswered/ar-BBCkWiO?OCID=ansmsnnews11
https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/news/2017/06/08/britney-spears-instagram-account-used-russian-hackers/102645960/
That’s an old one, but damn…. weddings.
I never said anything
I literally just woke up, fired up DFO, and read that I just woke up.
http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/2013/10/woah.gif
You got reverse Inceptioned?
Hmmm….that sounds dirtier than it did in my head.
http://www.bontheball.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/cocktail-scene-fail.gif
Dear God that hurt just watching it.
CTE; not just for the NFL/NHL any more!
That’s the innate realism of DFO. You can believe it because you’ve lived it.*
*Minus the vampires, psycho clowns, giant apes, time travel, space ninjas, etc.
“Minus the vampires, psycho clowns, giant apes, time travel, space ninjas, etc”
Speak for yourself.
He’s woke now.
http://www.golfchannel.com/sites/golfchannel.prod.acquia-sites.com/files/epicfailfriday_2.gif
http://pic.epicfail.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/2w3.gif
I like how people are just saying “NO NO NO. The president couldn’t be committing treason. He is too dumb”. And that is just accepted by everyone
/I still haven’t read this. I am like 30 behind
He is the dumbest president ever, but stupidity is still not a legal defense. So his defenders can go fuck themselves to death.
You need to catch up. The castle series of chapters were especially amusing.
According to Dave Chappelle it works for white people.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4B93BoC9ylg
Have you ever met a Republican? They get away with literal murder via incompetence. Like all the time
The general trend suggests that Fridays are for morning drinking.
The general trend suggests that days are for morning drinking.
Note to self: Order more compression shorts.
Ahhh the old Moose Knuckle.
http://static.thefrisky.com/uploads/2015/08/12092947/Kz439E.gif
http://www.coopsjokes.com/toons32/gifs/f-camel.jpg
Mr. Camel would like a word.
Backstreet Boys!?!
j/k
Snoop Dogg? … And Dre?
/Notices a glaring lack of “fucks” to his dialogue.
Ooh, sorry, we were looking for “Shady.” Shady’s back.
So I got a new Van? I am not sober enough to even try to read this article.
I’ve heard claims that “not sober” is the best way to read HRTN.
I only read it so drunk I can barely function. Which is why I am still not caught up.
Sure, yeah. Whatever.