Sunday Gravy with yeah right: Food Science: Building the Better Burrito, Pt. 1

Hola Sunday Gravy heads!

I truly hope everyone has been surviving the summer thus far. I had to break down and turn on the air conditioner last week and that is not a normal occurrence. For some goddamn reason this shitty high pressure system parked over the top of the Four Corner region of the US which basically forced this big sweaty wad of heat right down on the Western States. We don’t usually have 85 percent humidity but we sure as fuck did. This current weekend seems to be back to closer to normal temperature wise so we’ll take the relief.

Why am I blathering about weather? Because when one is dealing with high heat and humidity and still wants to prepare something for Sunday Gravy it forces a motherfucker to improvise. And by improvise I mean grill!

Goddamn right!

If that chicken looks a bit familiar, well it should.

Yep, that’s some grilled chipotle-lime chicken. Don’t worry I’ll be giving you some new recipes too I’m not doing another “best of” post over here. See that big banner photo? Yeah I’ve got a bonus recipe for “Elote” or Mexican style street corn lined up as well..

In addition I am going to give you my easy as Hell to make “right” family chicken recipe. I’ve been asked a few times “what is the best thing I make on a regular basis” and I would probably say that would be my chicken burrito. I’m not fucking around here, I could eat one of these every fucking day for the rest of my life. I’ve had friends who have moved out of state come back to visit just to have one of my chicken burritos. A former girlfriend would stop by for conjugal visits with the only stipulation being I had to make her at least one chicken burrito during her visit. I’ve had Facebook friends taunt each other that they got a chicken burrito during a visit and someone else did not.

It is one goddamn powerful burrito!

Which leads to today’s diatribe/lesson: we really need to talk about the burrito.

First of all, what in the goddamn fuck is this thing?

What the fuck is that!?!

Maybe someone thinks this is tasty but it looks like an alien and a Vegas buffet tried to have a baby and then decided to abort it.

Jesus tapdancing Christ that is fucking hideous!

I posit to you that that thing is not a fucking burrito. Nuh-uh. No sir. No fucking way! Get that thing out of my fucking face. Best you can get from me is calling that thing a “wrap.”

When did people get so fucked up in the head? Did that happen one night while I was passed out and missed the memo?

Let’s do some historical digging shall we? This enormous wrap of noro-virus waiting to happen is based on the Mission Style burrito, which was made popular during the 60’s in the Mission District of San Francisco. Proving that San Francisco can fuck up more than just a football team. Now there are entire chains of fast food places that specialize in these godawful things.

Alright, I can maybe see the allure if you were say a drunk college kid who wanted to shove as much shit down his drunken gullet as possible and still have leftover food for like the next 5 fucking days.

The madness even took over one of my all time favorite taco shops.

See Lolita’s there makes a perfect carne asada burrito but felt the need to throw a big fistful of french fries in there to fuck up perfection. Don’t order one of these if you go to Lolita’s. Order a simple carne asada burrito instead. That is made with fresh-to-order carne asada, a tiny bit of guacamole and a little pico de gallo. That’s it. That’s how it’s done properly. I actually order mine with just meat and a little cheddar and it is life altering.

One more fun story before getting started. I moved to L.A. from San Diego in 1991 while I was a full on carne asada burrito freak. Greatest drunk food ever! Get a burrito and an order of rolled tacos (note! there are no such things as “taquitos” in San Diego they are called rolled tacos as the good Lord intended) and pound down some brews with it. Shit yes. Life is good. So I move to L.A. (San Diego still kicks the crap out of L.A. in the burrito scene) and the night I move in I remember seeing a taco shop on the way in to my new town. I drive through, order a carne asada burrito, take it home, take a bite AND!

That fucker not only had rice and beans and sour cream the fucking thing had cold lettuce and raw tomatoes! I was torn between breaking down in tears and breaking out an AK.

YOU DO NOT PUT LETTUCE ON A GODDAMN BURRITO!!! EVER! This is non-negotiable. You serve me lettuce on a burrito and you run the risk of being stabbed in the eye with a plastic fucking knife!

Sorry. I have powerful opinions on some foods.

We are not drunk college students anymore! Unless you are reading this while drunk and in college to which I say, “Thanks for reading drunk college people! Glad to have you!”

We’re not savages, we’re not Cro-Magnon, we’re goddamn human fucking beings! We have moved on.

Remember we recently evolved?

If you want rice with your burrito serve it on the fucking side.

Let’s do this shit!

Grilled Chipotle Lime Chicken!

Yes, we’ve done this before but now I’ve got some sweet fucking photos to walk you through the process!

Bonus!

1 7 oz can of chipotles in adobo

Juice of one fresh lime.

3 cloves of garlic

1/2 onion – chopped

3 tablespoons of olive oil

1 tablespoon of paprika

1 teaspoon of cumin – freshly toasted and ground if possible

1 teaspoon of chili powder

1 teaspoon of salt.

Beer

Chicken to marinate.

Go ahead and toast up that cumin and get it ground up.

Add the chipotles into a blender.

Folks need to seriously start fucking around with chipotles (the peppers not the fucking chain restaurant) more often. They have a nice smokiness and a low level heat. They would be a solid addition to a barbecue sauce.

Toss the rest of your ingredients into the blender.

Then give them a whirl. The “beer” in the ingredient list is for getting the marinade to just the correct consistency. Use a little bit to help blend the ingredients together.

It should look something like this when blended.

Take the chicken that you will be using and put it into a one gallon ziptop freezer bag, then pour in about 2/3 or the marinade. Reserve the rest for basting the chicken.

This will go in the refrigerator overnight.

Next day fire up the grill, remove the chicken from the fridge and let it come to room temperature.

When the coals are ready get that motherfucking chicken on that goddamn grill!

This should grill about 5-7 minutes per side depending on the heat of the grill. Be sure to baste the cooked sides with the reserved marinade that we saved yesterday. When ready it should look something like this.

Remove from the grill, cover with aluminum foil and let rest for 5-10 minutes. Obviously we will be slicing this up to make burritos with but as long as we’re showing the grilling action I may as well get you to that bonus recipe!

Elote!

Some fresh corn on the cob – husks removed

1/3 cup of mayo – just work with me here. If you have access to Mexican Crema use that instead

1 lime cut into wedges

1 teaspoon of cumin

1 teaspoon of cayenne

1 teaspoon of chili powder

Cotija cheese – crumbled. I guess you could use Jack cheese or mozzarella if you can’t find Cotija.

Combine the chili powder, cayenne and cumin and mix well. I put the spice blend into a container with a “sprinkle top”. Is that even a fucking thing? You know a Tupperware container with a flip up dealie that lets you sprinkle stuff out of it? That.

Get that corn onto your pre-heated grill.

These will take about 8 minutes or so to cook. Get some tongs and roll the corn over every minute or so until done.

When roasted take the corn off of the grill and transfer it into the kitchen.

Take some of the mayo and just slather it all over the corn. Yes we just put mayonnaise onto an ear of grilled corn. I said work with me on this. Sprinkle some of the cayenne, chili powder, cumin mix all over the corn and finally top with some Cotija cheese. Serve with a wedge of lime that can be squeezed over the corn.

What is this Cotija cheese I keep mentioning?

Cotija cheese is a semi-hard – no snickering – cow’s milk cheese that originated in Mexico in the town of Cotija. It’s got a slight funk, a good bit of saltiness and a pretty decent melt.

Let’s bring up that banner photo again because it has the best photo of the elote.

You are going to love the ever loving fuck out of this corn.

Now let’s give you my specialty. The “house” chicken.

Baked Chicken ala yeah right

Boneless skinless chicken breasts, amount is up to you.

Some olive oil

Garlic powder

Onion Powder

Freshly ground black pepper

My secret weapon

Chef Merito carne asada seasoning!

That’s a pretty solid all around seasoning mix. I discovered it over 16 years ago when I was basically forced to start living a healthier lifestyle.

Fun fact that I’ve probably mentioned before, today I weigh over 100 pounds less than I did at the start of 2001. A great deal of the credit goes to my exercise and walking routine but a huge amount of the credit goes to my change in diet. The chicken we will be making has been a staple in my kitchen for the past 16 years. I knew I had to eat healthier so I started fucking around with boneless skinless chicken breast. After some trial and error, I landed on this application for my weekday meals. I eat this chicken every week from Monday through Thursday and I have for over 15 years. And it is never NOT delicious.

The reason I didn’t give amounts for this recipe is it’s basically seasoning to personal preference. You rinse and clean the chicken breast, and season with some sprinkles of onion powder, garlic powder, black pepper and a good healthy amount of the carne asada seasoning. I place the chicken in a large baking dish that has been lightly coated with the olive oil and cook in a preheated 350 oven for 40 minutes, rotating the chicken after the first 20 minutes. The end result looks like this.

I cook enough chicken for myself and brother DJ Taj to survive on for 4 days of the work week. This chicken is cooked on Sunday and there is enough to last through Thursday. I try not to keep any cooked food item longer than 4 days.

If you preheat your oven and rotate the chicken and cook for the allotted time it should never be dry chicken. Most everybody who steers clear of boneless skinless chicken does so because of the lack of flavor and the tendency to over cook it.

Well just look at this fucker.

Fucking juicy, delicious and cooked to perfection. Now how about that chipotle lime chicken we grilled earlier?

This will be the juiciest most tender grilled chicken breast you may ever have. I reposted this recipe because it was the chicken I used for the burrito I made for this meal. For the final burrito process the house chicken is much easier and quicker to prepare. I just wanted to be as real as possible with you.

Burrito time!

Get yourself a nice flour tortilla. You want it big enough to hold a fair amount of contents but not too large where you end up chewing on nothing but tortilla at the end. Toast or warm up your tortilla. I use the tried and true “warm over the gas flame on the stove top” method.

I’m going to go ahead and walk you through proper burrito rolling technique just in case. In my opinion, the burrito needs to be closed at both ends so hot burrito filling doesn’t leak out and burn the living fuck out of your hands.

Get that tortilla onto an assembly plate.

At this point, the chicken has been chopped into small-medium sized chunks and I have some pre-shredded cheese as well. Let’s use the old “hands of the clock” trick to explain the process. Place your chopped chicken and a layer of cheese (your choice on the cheese here, I use a 4 cheese Mexican blend as well as some extra sharp cheddar) and we are going to lay them across the bottom of the tortilla in what could be called the 8:00 o’clock position across to the 4:00 o’clock position.

Next we are going to add my very own secret weapon.

This shit look familiar?

Yep that’s my very own Chile Tepin! from my very first Sunday Gravy post. Does that look like it would be a bit on the “hot” side? Fuck yes it is! That’s why I keep it refrigerated in a bright red container to alert the more heat sensitive folks.

Spoon a couple “two-tree” spoonfuls ( I use “tree”) of the chile tepin over the chicken and cheese.

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Next we are going to take the bottom of the tortilla, I guess that would be at the 6:00 o’clock position and we are going to fold it over the ingredients.

Tuck in any filling that is trying to escape and next we are going to fold over the sides of the tortillas. These would be the 3:00 o’clock and 9:00 o’clock sides and tuck them under filling.

Finally simply finish rolling the burrito from the bottom up.

One more time.

A simple, perfect, delicious meal.

If you paid attention to the title of today’s post you may have noticed a “Part 1” in the title and you would be one observant motherfucker indeed. Today I wanted to outline the construction elements of building a perfect chicken burrito, and with Part 2?

We gonna be elevating the fuck out of it!

Building a burrito is as personal as building a pizza. Some folks like beef, others pork or chicken and other contents are customized as well. My ideal burrito has meat, cheese and a sauce.

Period.

If you wanted to add a small scoop of beans I suppose that’s cool, especially if you’re trying to feed a family.

But leave that goddamn rice on the side!

If you put lettuce on there?

I will come back from the dead and haunt your heathen ass for eternity.

Live well but live healthy, people.

Thanks as always for reading.

PEACE!