[An astonishingly handsome man steps into camera frame.]
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Hi there! This past week at [Door Flies Open] we dug out a bunch of “old” posts from the “archives” to trick you all into thinking that DFO had actually been around for 50 years. And you fell for it! Ha ha ha ha ha…
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Okay, so my producer is telling me that you didn’t fall for it, that nobody was that stupid, and that a lot of people are insulted that we would even suggest that they would get hoodwinked by such an idiotic scheme. Well, folks, I think it’s time we come clean. It was all just a ploy to create a veneer of respectability so we could sell DFO Corporación stock to foreign investors.
[pulls up chart showing skyrocketing growth]
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: But it turns out those foreign investors were too small-minded to invest in a scheme with a guaranteed* annual return of 28%. They couldn’t see the big picture. But their loss is your gain! What we have available for you to purchase is [a decorative] stock [certificate] that certifies your ownership of a percentage of the [available certificates that were produced by the] corporation. It’s just like being a part owner of the Green Bay Packers! We…
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: …and it turns out you’re not falling for that either. Okay, full disclosure. It’s our SECOND anniversary here. To celebrate, we thought we’d engage in a good old-fashioned circle jerk. Each of us picked one of our own posts from the past two years that we’re particularly proud of, and one of our favorites that was written by someone else. We’ll be posting half now and the other half tomorrow, following Sunday Gravy and Yeah Right’s interview of BIG DADDY BALLS himself. These last two years have been a blast, and we’re looking forward to at least two more years of fun, dick jokes, and mind-warping horror [until the SEC catches up with us]. Enjoy!
*guarantee not guaranteed.
AUTHOR: Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
FAVORITE PERSONAL POST: BOLTMANIAN RHAPSODY
EXPLANATION: This piece combines my favorite song with every emotion I have gone through following the loss of my football team. As I was getting ready for work one morning, I had some idea I was kicking around for a post, when I hit shuffle on my iPod and Bohemian Rhapsody appeared. Inspiration split my head in two and I came up with most of the lyrics in the car that morning. It fit too perfectly, and while it takes me on an emotional rollercoaster with each read, there is nothing that I am more proud of. And since it came out on my birthday, it was a wonderful gift to myself.
FAVORITE OTHER POST: President Obama Commutes Drug Sentences, NFL Suspensions by Pickett’s Charge
EXPLANATION: Much like how my own work feels best when written in a bout of some kind of heavy emotion (usually BLINDING RAGE) I always found Pickett’s Charge’s Fake Press Conferences to be the perfect commentary to a glaringly obvious issue that won’t be fixed because of equally glaring ineptitude. This one in particular seemed to perfectly capture my anger towards the whole Ray Rice video debacle, as well as the random suspensions for things that are (mostly) lawful and just an image issue the NFL is hellbent on maintaining to a fault. Or maybe it’s because I was a teenager who took a briefcase to school…
AUTHOR: Brett Favre’s Colonoscopy
FAVORITE PERSONAL POST: MLB Opening Day Reflections on NFL Team Names
EXPLANATION: When we look at what drives traffic to DFO, it’s not surprising to see “Sexy Friday,” “Slutty Saturday,” and “Milanya Vayntrub.” But every once in a a while the #content does it, too, e.g. Horatio’s Oak Island stories, Don T’s moving tribute to Dr. Z, and DTZM’s Jeff Fisher as Rasputin piece. I often find myself wishing I could contribute like that or like RTD, balls, makeitsnow, OSZ, and the other All-Stars here. I don’t, but I do bring to the table methodically researched inanity and necessary use of the too many links tag paired with the broader DFO sensibility/dick jokes. This post may not have been my best written piece (that may be the Raven tribute) but it let me get the creative juices going at a time when I was struggling at work and missing football. Also fuck baseball.
FAVORITE OTHER POST: So Long (Heh, LONG), And Thanks For All The Dick Jokes by TrollSoHardUniversity
EXPLANATION: I mainly picked this post because when I went back and re-read it, it still almost made me cry. The comment section also makes it a little dusty in here. Obviously we all miss Ape (ook!), and TSHU captured the raw emotions we were all dealing with as not just a website felt like it was being taken from us, but a community that accepted and supported all was shutting down. TSHU’S post doesn’t relate to me or my journey professionally, but it hits the nail on the head why we flocked there, why we flocked here, and why we won’t go the flock away.
AUTHOR: The Maestro
FAVORITE PERSONAL POST: ALL HAIL BLEERGH: Your 2016 New England Patriots Preview
EXPLANATION: I was drunk when I started writing this. I think that goes without saying. Normally I write everything pretty quickly – typically within about 2-3 hours, which is doable because of most of what I do is just straight fact-based stuff and not real storytelling… but I guess I wanted to give myself a challenge and flex my creative muscle a little bit. At any rate, I think this took over a week to put together, all things told. As the resident fan of everyone’s favorite team to hate, there was no doubt in my mind that I needed to ham it up in order to get the maximum effect I could out of it. Brady as quasi-charming ringleader was a given when things started, but I didn’t think of the twist at the end until much later on. I was glad about that. I think it was ultimately this ritual that brought them their most recent Super Bowl win (THE GREATEST FACKIN’ WIN OF ALL FACKIN’ TIME OTHAH THAN THE OH-FOAH WOHRLD SERIES), so I will happy with claiming full credit for the victory.
FAVORITE OTHER POST: Coach Zimmer Gets Ready For Work by yeah right
EXPLANATION: I loved this whole series of Coach Zimmer’s adventures- and I will admit that I have a total soft spot for any story that involves monkeys and wolverines. Like good sex, this post starts off with excitement and lots of promise… it takes its time to really build, but there’s so many good things that happen along the way that while you’re excited for the ending to come in dramatic fashion, you’re enjoying the entire ride all the same. Plus I love seeing Coach Z doing the slow burn as he gets himself ready for the upcoming season. I, too, have felt that firey rage build up inside of me far too many times to count. Still nowhere close to Fozz-levels, though.
AUTHOR: Don T
FAVORITE PERSONAL POST: Good Night Sweet Patriot
EXPLANATION: I woke up, saw that Aaron Hernandez died, and everything on the post came to me at once. Quickest post I’ve written. Full disclosure: I gave it an edit in the evening it posted, as the original was full of typos.
FAVORITE OTHER POST: Marcus Mariota Visits Golden Gate Park by Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
EXPLANATION: I’ll say it again: this is my fave [DFO] post EVAH and one of the funniest things in everything. Mariota had a miserable rookie season, and TEN’s outlook was grim. LCSS captured perfectly what I thought Marcus would be feeling WITH HIS FIRST SPEAKING LINE. The rest is dynamite. I’ve read it at least 10 times.
AUTHOR: yeah right
FAVORITE PERSONAL POST: Getting to know the new Dallas QB
EXPLANATION: I had no idea where this came from apart from the fact that whenever I saw the name DAK Prescott, it made me think of a canned ham. Low Commanders mad photoshop skills really carried the day. Well that along with some possible cannibalism. I actually made my own self laugh putting it together which is a pretty decent endorsement since I’m an old curmudgeonly motherfucker.
FAVORITE OTHER POST: The Masque of the Yellow Lightning Bolt by Old School Zero
EXPLANATION: OSZ dropped a perfect balance of offbeat, horror and general lunacy to this post. This was early in the DFO origin of Boltman. A character that has many ridiculously fun posts written about him. I love this story and it inspired me to join in the following year’s Scary Texans Halloween Tales, one of my favorite days on the DFO calendar.
AUTHOR: Balls of Steel and Fury
FAVORITE PERSONAL POST: Breaking News
EXPLANATION: The post I had the most fun putting together was the one I did after we all found out that Teddy Bridgewater had done fucked up his leg and was out for the year and then the Vikings went out and traded for Sam Bradford. I imagine Yeah Right’s reaction to this event was not too far off from what I wrote. I also loved the fact that I was able to introduce the world to the magic that is the KTLA news staff. And they’ve added more hot girls since.
FAVORITE OTHER POST: The Curse of Oak Island, Part the Third by Horatio Cornblower
EXPLANATION: I was most impressed by the fact that Horatio wrote this up during the second half of the game and had it posted so quickly. Rage writing is good writing in his hands.
FAVORITE PERSONAL POST: Meanwhile, in Burbank
EXPLANATION: Every summer, the football offseason leaves me bereft of the senseless violent entertainment that I need in my life to make it through each day without resorting to the gruesome murder of random strangers. Last summer, Battlebots did a splendid job of filling that void. Plus, since it’s just machines, I feel less conflicted about supporting it. Chomp Chat (Meanwhile, in Burbank, actually) is structured as an homage to Bobby Big Wheel’s “Gruden Talk” series, and I had about as much fun writing it as anything else I’ve done here. Plus, it features a pair of the best photoshop images I’ve ever made.
FAVORITE OTHER POST: NFL Speakeasy Stories: The Future Of Fred by Blaxabbath
EXPLANATION: There are easily a dozen posts that I could have taken, but I went with Blaxabbath’s original Speakeasy Stories post because it featured some of the absolute best writing we’ve had on the site and spawned an entirely original series of stories and characters. I loved the mood of the piece (and subsequent pieces), I loved the characterization of Todd Bowles, and I loved how his story ultimately concluded (in a later post) with an image that still haunts me to this very day.
Join us tomorrow for Part 2!