JV NFL Returns FOAR Reals (2017 Edition)

Better safe than sorry – may have used this title before, and the old brain ain’t what it used to be in terms of creativity (and in all candor, never was very much to begin with).  So many questions to be answered on this new, unfolding season, but as usual…all roads run through ROLL DAMN TIDE.

Maryland at Texas (Noon, FS1)

Please, dear Jeebus, don’t let this one get cancelled.  Tis a lean fookin’ window.  Fear teh Turtle is usually pretty awful, but no team lives to be all disappoint like Hook ’em.  My cold, black heart would delight in a “healing” story well and truly shat upon.

Wyoming at Iowa (Noon, BTN)

Boy howdy, did I struggle to find a secondary option, and I am going with this over Snowflake Bowl in Chapel Hole.  FUN FACT!  Thanks to the US Air Force, I was born in Wyoming, the barren hellscape part, not the beautiful, playground of the rich and famous part.

South Cakalaky v. NC State @ Richardson Family Plantation (3:00, ESPN)

This is actually a passionate, excellent historical rivalry that has sadly fallen by the wayside.  Hopefully, this will be a thrilling contest that results in the fanbases of the two schools demanding that the series resume with reasonable regularity, as opposed to the more predictable wolven shitting upon its collective dick when anything is expected of them.  Hope in one hand, shit in the other, see which gets full first.  Be glad you can flip to…

Michigan v. Florida @ JerralWorld Aquarium (3:30, ABC)

I have no fucking clue what to expect from either side, but they are both in the top 20 by default, and they always recruit well.  The laws of JV NFL gravity and/or inertia suggest that at least one will end up being prettay…prettay…good.

Temple at Notre Dome (3:30, NBC)

Fuck Brian Kelly.  With Robert E. Lee’s dick.  Original and statuary, he can choose which goes in which hole (I’m not some kind of monster, FFS).

Louisville at Purdue (7:30, Fox)

I mean, I’ll watch FOAR half an hour just in case Gus Johnson is announcing.  I’m assuming the ‘Ville administration scheduled this road trip because the coeds are too ugly for Petrino to get into any MOAR trouble?

Florida State v. Alabama @ Jesus Chicken Dome (8:00, ABC)

Holy Christ, this is why you buy extra beer for this Saturday night, and refuse all other plans.  #1 v. #3 is some hot shit, even if it’s despicable assdicks like Jimbo and Saban.  Once again, I shall be rooting for the “at least he’s up front about his puppy blood drinking” evil guy.  Jimbo can die in a fucking fire, for all I care.  ROLL DAMN TIDE!!