JV NFL Returns FOAR Reals (2017 Edition)

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

Latest posts by King Hippo (see all)

Better safe than sorry – may have used this title before, and the old brain ain’t what it used to be in terms of creativity (and in all candor, never was very much to begin with).  So many questions to be answered on this new, unfolding season, but as usual…all roads run through ROLL DAMN TIDE.

Maryland at Texas (Noon, FS1)

Please, dear Jeebus, don’t let this one get cancelled.  Tis a lean fookin’ window.  Fear teh Turtle is usually pretty awful, but no team lives to be all disappoint like Hook ’em.  My cold, black heart would delight in a “healing” story well and truly shat upon.

Wyoming at Iowa (Noon, BTN)

Boy howdy, did I struggle to find a secondary option, and I am going with this over Snowflake Bowl in Chapel Hole.  FUN FACT!  Thanks to the US Air Force, I was born in Wyoming, the barren hellscape part, not the beautiful, playground of the rich and famous part.

South Cakalaky v. NC State @ Richardson Family Plantation (3:00, ESPN)

This is actually a passionate, excellent historical rivalry that has sadly fallen by the wayside.  Hopefully, this will be a thrilling contest that results in the fanbases of the two schools demanding that the series resume with reasonable regularity, as opposed to the more predictable wolven shitting upon its collective dick when anything is expected of them.  Hope in one hand, shit in the other, see which gets full first.  Be glad you can flip to…

Michigan v. Florida @ JerralWorld Aquarium (3:30, ABC)

I have no fucking clue what to expect from either side, but they are both in the top 20 by default, and they always recruit well.  The laws of JV NFL gravity and/or inertia suggest that at least one will end up being prettay…prettay…good.

Temple at Notre Dome (3:30, NBC)

Fuck Brian Kelly.  With Robert E. Lee’s dick.  Original and statuary, he can choose which goes in which hole (I’m not some kind of monster, FFS).

Louisville at Purdue (7:30, Fox)

I mean, I’ll watch FOAR half an hour just in case Gus Johnson is announcing.  I’m assuming the ‘Ville administration scheduled this road trip because the coeds are too ugly for Petrino to get into any MOAR trouble?

Florida State v. Alabama @ Jesus Chicken Dome (8:00, ABC)

Holy Christ, this is why you buy extra beer for this Saturday night, and refuse all other plans.  #1 v. #3 is some hot shit, even if it’s despicable assdicks like Jimbo and Saban.  Once again, I shall be rooting for the “at least he’s up front about his puppy blood drinking” evil guy.  Jimbo can die in a fucking fire, for all I care.  ROLL DAMN TIDE!!

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]

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Spur
Member
Spur

Well, that’s one way to lose a game. Holy shit. Everyone on Maryland going down

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I’m not even gonna touch that one. Giggity.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I feel like shit, but my brother went to the gym yesterday after feeling a hundred times worse and so I have no excuse, especially after not doing shit yesterday, not to go out and walk around. So I guess I’ll do that.

But first, how the fuck y’all doin’?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

The hate is flowing. So you know, status quo, it’s all good.
😉

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Hold everything! The Best Sprots Name game is over! Done! Concluded! The winner is here:
https://sports.yahoo.com/ncaaf/players/266441/

Senor Weaselo
Member

That’s definitely better than “Trey”

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Shitheels are done filling their pants, moving on to their beds now.
/whoops, may have spoke too soon
//maybe not

Just checked tWWL – Pedophile St having their way with the LeBrons right now.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Couldn’t happen to better bunch of assdicks. Other than UMd.

Goddammit and they score while I’m typing. Cheating fuckers.

Spur
Member
Spur

That Turtle got trucked

Spur
Member
Spur

I don’t think Texas wants to win

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Maryland’s Pigrome against Texas should earn them a trip to The Hague

Spur
Member
Spur

Wow Maryland you fucking suck

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

/has never said those words
//lying, has said those words literally thousands of times
///fuck you UMd

Spur
Member
Spur

Who’s going to be the 1st NFL QB benched? I’m going with Alex Smith.

Redshirt
Member

Does a gurney count as a bench? If so, Red Rifle. Bengals’ OL is giving me flashbacks to the ’90s.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I feel confident saying the Jets even though I have no idea who they are starting.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Oohhh, that’s a good one.

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Wow, Senor is going all out this year.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Fun fact: The only Jets shirt I have ever owned is a Chad Pennington one. In fairness, I was like 9.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

The Giraffe?
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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Not a bad bet, probably.

nomonkeyfun
Member

I would have said THE PAULS, but their QB is kosher now.

WCS
Member

DDDDDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

blaxabbath
Member

If cheerleaders should teach women anything, it’s that just doing up your hair a little goes a long way.

Spur
Member
Spur

Two Terps players got…shellshocked.

blaxabbath
Member

Is there like a popular Denver area television interviewer? Like Purd Happly on Parks and Rex? Preferably a token individual who covers the Broncos?

Spur
Member
Spur

Looking at those Terrapin helmets hurts my eyes.

Spur
Member
Spur

Whoever designed Wyoming’s uniforms put in the least amount of effort possible.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Catler makes uniforms? I’d bet they smell like cigarette smoke, too.

Spur
Member
Spur

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Senor Weaselo
Member

The Jets released their long snapper. You know, the guy who would see the most time on the field for the offense this year.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“Why punt when you can turn the ball over?”

– Jets management

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

They probably needed to make room to add another special needs kid to go get the kickoff tee after the other team scores.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Submitted for your approval, a new contestant in the Best Sprots Name ever: Tupac Isme, RB, Bethune-Cookman. Moar like Tupac Wasalive amirite?

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Shitheel may get a targeting penalty. Pretty blatant, too.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

And Cal goes deep for 6 on the next play.

ArmedandHammered
Member
ArmedandHammered

According to Deadspin, Brock Lobster wasn’t even good enough for the Browns.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

THE PAULS!

Senor Weaselo
Member

Over/under on when he starts for the Jets? I say Week 12.

Spur
Member
Spur

Come on Wyoming . You can do this.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

What are words that are never uttered by a Democrat on Election Day?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

A minute left in the Mizzou-MO State game and it’s now 48-35 Mizzou. They finally stopped trading scores.

I don’t think Mizzou will make it 100, but here’s to hoping.

Mr. Ayo
Member
Mr. Ayo

Frank Beamer would never let this happen.
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Senor Weaselo
Member

I haven’t seen this little defense since the NBA All-Star Game!

Spur
Member
Spur

I haven’t seen this little defense since Texas Tech and Arizona played.

/that hurts to say.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

I haven’t seen this little defense since Germany v Poland in 1939.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

This should go up on the banner. Just saying.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I haven’t seen this little defense since Belichick let Danny Woodhead play a few downs as a defensive back.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

There was a Baylor-WVU game a year or two ago like this–just trading touchdowns until time expired.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Lots and lots of huge plays. Mizzou’s QB has thrown for 400 yards already.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

884 yards of offense!

I WANT 2000 YARDS

Spur
Member
Spur

God, don’t ask Mark Helfrich what to do.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

So, watching U*NC v CAL…because someone has to (?)

The shitheels get an INT AAAAANNNDDDD we lose the feed. I asked OrangeJello to text her friends at the game and ask if it went out for them too.

Spur
Member
Spur

Donate to JJ Watt not Red Cross. Red Cross will pocket that cash.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

30 points from Maryland? What is this, the view from Fort McHenry in 1812?
/In this joke, the reader should assume that stars on a flag can be considered “points”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

This. This is a good joke.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Unfortunetley there were maybe 26 “states” at the time, even if including territories, and only 15 stars on the flag. Which… if counted from both sides makes 30! Huzzah!

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

35-34 with five and a half minutes left in the first half.

God, I want someone to score 100 in this game.

Spur
Member
Spur

I guess you do have to be an FCS team to beat Iowa early in the season. FU Wyoming

Spur
Member
Spur

Longhorn’s defense and special teams have a touchdown, but not their offense. Wasn’t Herman going to fix that?

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

With what, his secret Big Shoe Dance strategy?

Spur
Member
Spur

I don’t see how Josh Allen is a first round QB

Spur
Member
Spur

Kick Six 2: The Revenge

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

If any of you like games of testing your will, turn on the SEC Network and see how long you last seeing Tebow doing commentary, Tebow doing commercials, Tebow being referenced during games, etc.

I’m currently sweating intensely trying to not to Google Tebow’s personal workout routine as sponsored by some goddamned bank.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

And don’t get me started on having to root for Cal today.
God thinks he’s a funny sumbitch. He’s not.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Fun to see Mizzou struggling to stop an FCS team on defense.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

This is still very fun. Super fun.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

“DeShaun Watson was the best player in Clemson’s history”

What dat bitch just say?

– William Perry

blaxabbath
Member

JV IS BACK!

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herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

“Bear Down”? NOT cool.

blaxabbath
Member

comment image

Do you think I care? I really don’t. Roll damn Tide.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Hey man, if I had a cousin who looked like that….

I’ve said too much.

Redshirt
Member

Quit swinging on your Family Tree’s branches.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Is there a coach in college football today that isn’t a complete asshat?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Gary Pinkel at Mizzou was probably one of the better guys. The big mark against him was getting popped for a DUI, but he immediately copped to it and took his punishment.

But when you consider that the big money D-I sports are all a cancer on our higher education system, they’re all terrible in one way or another.

blaxabbath
Member

Joe Paterno isn’t a complete asshat TODAY.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Yes he is. His rotting corpse is poisoning the soil of a state that already has too much toxic waste leeching into the soil and water from centuries of corruption and violence.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

UCONN’s coach is Randy Edsall, who left basically quit on them for the Maryland job during the Fiesta Bowl, then tanked his career when the ACC/Big 10 exposed him as not-a-very-good-coach. Mean time UCONN took the precaution of hiring a couple of sentient tomato plants to replace him and found their way to the bottom of the D-I barrel so when they finally got tired of watching Bob Diaco (who, I shit you not, insisted on wearing red pants on the sideline, when UCONN’s colors are blue and white, because it made him stand out), fight to get to the middle of D-II, they decided to go back to the glory days and rehired the coach who had pissed on the carpet on his way out the door.

This week they barely squeaked by Holy Cross and had to come from behind to do that.

UCONN football is the funniest goddamn thing in the world.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

I’m just relishing the thought of having to downgrade from coaching football at Maryland.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

But they beat WVU that one year

sunrisesunrise
Member

I’m biased. San Diego State’s Rocky Long… but no one cares about non power 5 football coaches.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Rocky’s still coaching? 😐

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Jim Harbaugh is 110% asshat, does that make him exempt?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Harbaugh is if someone took Michael Douglas’s character in Falling Down, cloned him five times, and melted those clones into a single super-concentrated but surprisingly stable human form.

/still wishes the Bears had hired him

blaxabbath
Member

Rich Rodriguez seems like a decent guy. He is also destined to finish last, as decent guys in football do.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Charlie Weiss? Since he’s more like a 10-ass hat.

litre_cola
Member

No comment on Rooney getting arrested while driving a volkswagon beetle?

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

No West Coast Pac -12 After Dark action? Well that’s just…

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