The World Is On Fire: Your [DFO] Law and Fantasy Football Mailbag

trollsoharduniversity
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trollsoharduniversity

Attorney, Funnyman, Dick-Joke Artist.One day I may refuse to save your life.

Twitter: @fakeapoth
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When cases are decided by a panel of judges (e.g. the Supreme Court), judges can write “concurring opinions” where they agree with the ultimate result (or dissent) but disagree with the reasoning.  Commissioner Goodell is either a moron or a troll genius.  He bungled the Ezekiel Elliot situation so badly that I find myself in concurrence with a whole host of subhuman mouthbreathers: MRAs, other various misogynists, and of course, Cowboys fans. So while unlike the aforementioned mouthbreathers, I don’t agree that Zeke is some innocent choirboy who is getting extorted by some lowlife, gold-bricking, money-grubbing c-word, but I do agree that he’s getting screwed.

Why is he getting screwed?  Because he’s entitled to some form of due process. Due process is a term that is nearly impossible to define correctly, but in practice what it should mean is that the outcome is not predetermined.  Why?  Because the process is more important than the result.  THE. PROCESS. IS. MORE. IMPORTANT. THAN. THE. RESULT. A predictable process will more often than not yield a predictable result.  The rule of law is dependent on predictable process.  Government that only cares about the result is tyrannical.  And when we keep getting bad results, people get mad enough to demand results oriented leadership and in the absence of that, we get a Cheeto-dusted man-child who enjoys playing with dynamite Our Dear Leader.

We are on the precipice of nuclear war.  Our government is run by an amalgum of villians from Captain Planet and the Planeteers.  A major American city is under water while a Category 5 hurricane is about to devastate another one.  Our national discourse has devolved to the point where saying out loud that bad police should face actual consequences means that you are an anti-police bigot who hates the troops and that saying that freedom of speech applies to everyone means that you support neo-nazis and fascists.  As a wonderful writer over at The Root put it, people no longer dog-whistle racism; they just bark it.  And to top it all off, it’s goddamn motherfucking pumpkin spice season again.

But none of this matters!  Why?  BECAUSE FOOTBAW IS BACK, BABY! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW!FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW!FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOTBAW! FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!

 

FANTASY UPDATE: SIT YOUR BUCCANEERS AND DOLPHINS (if you were stupid enough to draft them).  DUE TO HURRICANE IRMA, THE MIAMI-TAMPA BAY GAME IS POSTPONED UNTIL WEEK 11

Now to your questions!

Football: Where to draft Russell Wilson? SEA seems insistent on relying on their defense to make the playoff run, trading away Jermaine Kearse to NYJ. With considerations for injuries and WR depth, what’s Charmslinger’s real value?

I think Wilson is a great option at QB this season. He’ll have a couple of bad games, but overall, he’s a great fantasy player.   He throws a lot, he runs a lot, and now that Kearse is over at the Meadowlands not catching passes, Tyler Lockett is next man up.  Lockett’s got explosive speed and if he ever learns to run a rout or get in sync with Wilson’s improvisations, he can put up some big numbers.  And let’s not sleep on Doug Baldwin and Jimmy Graham.  Those guys can ball.  Did you know that Graham used to play basketball?  Unless you drafted one of the big 3 QBs, if you have Wilson, you’re probably starting him.

Law: I was rereading some comments from when Houston won the bidding war for Brock Osweiler in 2016 and many internet commenters noted that B.O. would keep more of his money because Texas does not have a state income tax. He was then shipped off to Cleveland where, I understand, the Browns have assumed his contract. Assuming that no team will pick B.O. up at his full salary, does this mean that his salary covered by the Browns will be taxed at the Ohio rate, even though he’d be ‘working’ in another state? Or is this all misunderstood by the taxpaying public? [Ed. note – question was submitted before Brock was released and went back to the Donks HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA]

Generally, your state income tax is determined by where you work, so yes, Brock is getting boned a little bit in this respect.Brock agreed to one set of circumstances (no state income ta) and he’s getting a different result.  Of course, he’s getting paid 16 million dollars to not have to play for the Browns or the Texans, so you tell me, is he really getting a raw deal?  Brock is gonna have to fork over some more of his pay to the state governments of Ohio and Colorado (mostly Colorado).   My guess is that professional athletic contracts have provisions that deal with the effect of income tax on trades to different jurisdictions.   Athlete’s tax returns get pretty messy, especially if they get traded multiple times because they have to determine what percentage of their income is earned from each team.  And unlike some middle class schlub who moves mid-year (read: me), athletes tend to make a lot of money, which makes the government bureaucrats get all

Even worse, is a few years back, some states realized that theoretically, they could collect income tax from every professional athlete who “works” in their state.  So when James Harden goes to Tennessee to play Memphis a couple of times a year, they can charge him state tax on the income he “earned” playing those games.  Some states have even enacted so-called “jock taxes” to try to steal collect more revenue from people who earned it by having incredible talent and drive. And why am I whining about millionaire athletes losing a few more bucks, you may have asked yourself?  BECAUSE THE PROCESS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE RESULT.  Didn’t you read the top?

Legal question: with regards to the Arpaio pardon: will accepting the pardon necessarily include an admission of guilt, and if so, will this open the door for civil claims and/or state charges?

Some people think, and there is a Supreme Court decision (Burdick v. United States (1915)) that agrees that a pardon is an admission of guilt.  I disagree.  There is a vast amount of scholarship which deals with pardons because of actual innocence or because they were legally guilty of the crime but morally right. Regardless, civil claims have a lower evidentiary burden than criminal claims.  In criminal claims, you have to prove that the defendant is guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.  Like you have to be 99% sure that he did it.  In most civil claims, you only have to prove that the defendant more likely than not did the bad stuff.  Like 50.1% sure.   So, if it is an admission, that definitely helps the civil case.  But even if it’s not, your civil case against Sheriff Joe is a little easier to prove.  And remember, Presidential pardons only apply to federal crimes.  State charges can be brought regardless.

[EDIT TO ADD – it has been pointed out to me that the Arpaio pardon only covers his conviction for criminal contempt of court, which is completely unrelated to the civil suits against him.]

Fantasy: I have a (somewhat) unfounded disposition to try and avoid fantasy players who recently signed a large long term contract, as I feel most play their best when trying to reach for the big bucks. Do you think there is any actual fantasy basis to this? Is taking a late round flyer on Stafford even worse of a decision than it seemed before?

Stafford won’t be a bad choice at QB, but in general, I like to pick players who are in contract years and stay away from players who just got paid.  The prospect of future guaranteed money is a powerful incentive.

That’s all for this week.   Keep sending me questions either in the comments, on Twitter dot com or at trollsohard@doorfliesopen.com.  Good luck with Week 1!  FOOTBAW IS BACK!

This column is for entertainment purposes only. This is general information and not formal legal advice or legal representation.  If you need any of that, you need to go see an attorney in real life.  Legal problems are often serious and fact-specific; this is a dick joke blog.  The advice given in this column is non-binding and nothing contained herein shall constitute an attorney-client relationship.

trollsoharduniversity
trollsoharduniversity
Attorney, Funnyman, Dick-Joke Artist. One day I may refuse to save your life. Twitter: @fakeapoth Instagram: @leeapoth

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Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

I don’t play fantasy football but if I did I would do many of the things you said or I’d do some other things that were along those lines in general, and I believe this is something we can all agree on.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

NFL players are paid weekly for that week’s game, and so whether they pay state income tax depends on whether the state they play in each week has one. Texas-based teams, and soon the Raiders, don’t have to pay state income tax on home games because there isn’t one. Conversely, California teams and the Seahawks pay income taxes on home games, but don’t if they play in Texas. I believe some states have specific pro athlete income tax provisions, including Oregon because Fuck The Blazers, I guess. Where it gets even worse is games played overseas because the Internal Revenue Code on foreign-earned income is a black hole of exemptions, but also subjects them to getting taxed by the godless communists of the British or Mexican revenuers.

Income is taxed where it’s “earned” regardless of where the person writing the check is located. Bonuses and such are taxed at the very least based on the player’s residence at the time the income is dispersed because that’s the jurisdiction they are subject to when said income was “earned.” So it depends on when Brock was paid and where he lived when he got the check. This is also why they’d all be wise to have all money not directly tied to performances like bonuses paid to a LLC organized in a state without an income tax like Nevada or Delaware because fuck taxes, get money.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Hypothetically let’s say someone named Bakeitdough drafted Colin Kaepernick in the 16th round and then called everyone else in the league racists for not drafting him sooner, he’s the real racist because he could have done it in the 1st round for maximum effect right? Right?

Senor Weaselo
Member

Shit. Now I want cookie dough.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Yes

Game Time Decision
Member
Game Time Decision

FF late question:
What should i name my team?

Horatio Cornblower
Member

I went with Student Body Alt-Right this year. So you could go with Student Body Alt-Left and then we could pepper spray each other.

Game Time Decision
Member
Game Time Decision

naw, i dont care enough to get that mad,

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

How offensive do you want the name to be?

Game Time Decision
Member
Game Time Decision

medium offensive, it’s a work league but want to be on that edge.
and i’m the commish there, so get a bit more leeway, and no management in the league 🙂

first pick was Gordon LAC RB( at 10, wtf)

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Quick stab: Commissioner Gordon’s Spotted Dicks?

/may not be good at this

Senor Weaselo
Member

Addendum: How offensive do you want the name to be and how offensive can you make it with your first-round pick’s name?

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

That sounds like a….
/removes sunglasses
….Game Time Decision.

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nomonkeyfun
Member

Because the process is more important than the result. THE. PROCESS. IS. MORE. IMPORTANT. THAN. THE. RESULT

/Hinkie cums.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Hinkle cums 4 hours after the girl left, having grown bored with his promises of what would happen after all of his preparations were complete.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

So should I start Arpaio in week one or not?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I’m hoping he’ll end being a better play in October.

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King Hippo
Member

Stafford is a bad choice at QB because his OL is tissue paper, and he is a fat bastard.

FUCK HIS DUE PROCESS, as I got stuck with McFadden at auction. I lobbed a $5 bid trying to be a shit-stirrer…and nobody else bid. Zeke should go on a bender whilst suspended/appealing, and end up in Most Glorious Gulag.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

eh, $5 for 6 weeks of production behind that line probably isn’t the worst thing in the world.

Other than McFadden getting crippled in Week 3 of course.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

So…Arpaio pardon: let’s say someone is suing him for violating their civil rights. If he accepts the pardon and it implies guilt, does this mean he’s only accepting guilt for contempt? Or can it be extrapolated to him accepting guilt for what he was held in contempt for (i.e. violating civil rights)?

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