Your “What Time Is It? It’s Football O’Clock!” Early Afternoon Open Thread

Man, I had a great time on this very site yesterday while pretending to be a shut-in. All that was missing was a van to pick me up to get the weekly groceries. I’ll just assume that the higher-ups are working on that. TO THE GAMES!

Chi/TB: Will qb Winston be able to cut back on his-hold your breath, Bucs fans-28(!) turnovers committed last year? He has no choice. Perhaps the Bears should give the ball back to basher Jordan Howard. That’ll just make everyone’s favourite fantasy pickup, Tarik Cohen’s job that much easier. Howard is expected to play but he was listed as questionable.

Buf/Car: Both Tyrod and Cam are coming off so-so performances that ultimately resulted in W’s so what do you want? Bills HC McDermott cut his teeth in the NFL as a DC at Carolina so he’ll have a bit of insight as to how to attack the D. McCaffrey’s nickname this week is Run-CMC.

Cle/Bal: Despite grabbing the L last week vs. Pittsburgh the Browns played quite well. Qb Kizer threw at a 66% clip and came out even with respect to TD’s and interceptions. Maybe, kinda, sorta, perhaps they’re headed in the right direction? Easy now, it was one game.

Ari/Ind: Both teams suffered through some abysmal qb play last week. Indy decided to get on the horn/kick Tolzien to the curb and go in another direction. The Cards response was a resigned shoulder shrug and a, “hey, it can’t get any worse next week, right?” Let’s see how these disparate approaches play out.

Phi/KC: Here are two teams that impressed (supposedly) neutral observers with how easily they took care of business last week. The Chiefs should get the home win and the number one AFC seed (it’s never too early!) but it’s not out of the realm of possibility that Philly surprises.

NE/NO: At long last Brandin Cooks comes home. I gotta think that Grumblelord gets the Pats on track again via a hellacious beatdown of the Saints.

Ten/Jax: You know why the Jags are now so committed to the run/play tough D way of doing things? It may have something to do with qb Bortles being 1-11 in games that he’s thrown for over 300 yards. Welcome to your new ‘game manager’ status, Blake-Alex Smith will be by later on with your lapel pin.

Min/Pit: This is my pick for best game of the early slate. Rb Bell will have his hands full with the Vikes front four and wr Brown gets a matchup with top 5 cb Xavier Rhodes. I can see the Stillers winning but they won’t do it in a walk.

It’s another gorgeous day out there where I am. Just perfect for sitting in the basement and watching ball. Let’s get to it, shall we?

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King Hippo

Philly really stacking the box to stop KHunt

Gratliff

Sure worked

Wakezilla

Manti T’eo should have been more invisible on that too many men of the field call

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

His girlfriend would never have gotten that penalty.

King Hippo

Moncrief needs to be fired into the goddamned sun already.

Smithchez

Cobra Kai sweeps the leg a little too much.

Wakezilla

Manti T’eo should have been more invisible on that too many men on the field penalty.

Doktor Zymm

The Bears just punted after what was probably their best offensive drive of the game so far

Smithchez

Not-Demarco-Down.

FUCK

King Hippo

SAME. Today can just go fuck itself

Dick E. Phuck

I vote Stillers-Vikings for blandest game of the week

Smithchez

That’s a tough category to pick a winner for

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“You should say something, Joe. No…no…just let it be.”

– Joe Flacco’s internal monologue

King Hippo

VIKINGS??

Dick E. Phuck

“VIKINGS??”
– The Anglo-Saxons

Dick E. Phuck

Derrick Henry is a goddamn tank.

Spur

Jesus, let Cam run more so he takes fewer hits.

Spur

Sproles is like a greased micro pig

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Micro pigs used to be a thing until they started selling a pig-on-a-stick at Arby’s and Andy Reid drove them extinct.

Spur

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Gratliff

What is a TD Catch?

Doktor Zymm

Is this a trick question?

King Hippo

Not Dez Bryant. So…THAT

Doktor Zymm

Crazy Opposite Day! The Bears recover a Buccs fumble!

Smithchez

I have three fantasy teams. Combined they have scored 2 points in the last fifteen minutes.

King Hippo

I went ahead and closed the tab on my money league scoring update, and set the sad lineup for next week.

Gratliff

Eagles are doing a thing. Derp incoming

Spur

Someone take Shula’s headset away from him and just lock him up there in that booth please.

Doktor Zymm

These really should be the Buccs throwback unis, since they’re recreating the historic 1980s clock radio

...

These terrible games are diving me to nap so I think I’ll nap.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When you said “diving” I thought you were talking about Patriots receivers fishing for defensive interference calls.

...

Nah. Watching the Bears has impaired my brain.

Dick E. Phuck

Much like most people on planet earth, Alex Smith has regressed to the mean.

Smithchez

Jesus these games are a fucking trainwreck

King Hippo

as many as there are, one would think one would not suck by default

Smithchez

Even the one with the two HOF QB’s with high powered offenses is somehow just as boring as the others.

King Hippo

toggles between 2 and 3-score margin, with outcome pre-determined

Doktor Zymm

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Spur

Three straight screens never change Andy Reid

Doktor Zymm

When Jacquizz Rodgers has kids he’ll be Pop Jacquizz

herodotus450

Jacuzzi Rodgers is the best Tampa has at RB?

King Hippo

one guy suspended, they cut the dude they drafted

...

I saw on Twitter that general parking at the Chargers game is $100. Way to reach out to San Diegans, Dean.

ballsofsteelandfury

Or to Los Angelenos. Fight for LA indeed

King Hippo

you have to make it EXCLUSIVE so ppl will noe there is value 2 be had ,, smh

Doktor Zymm

Does it still count as a missed tackle if you miss by more than a yard?

King Hippo

at that point, isn’t more like an attempted block?

Doktor Zymm

Do I think there’s anything else the Bears can do to help their offense? How about not sucking? They haven’t tried that yet!

Mother Puncher
Doktor Zymm

Is Adrian Peterson in?

Gratliff

I miss heel New Day
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Duchess

I think right now it’s easier for me to admit in public that I am a Longhorns fan than it is to say I am a Bears Fan.

ballsofsteelandfury

At halftime, I got a local ad telling me Los Angeles Rams season tickets are still available.

??????????????

King Hippo

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!!!

Dick E. Phuck

THESE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS. I CALL THEM PIERRE CAUCHON, BECAUSE THEY ARE TORCHING THE SAINTS.

Spur

Much like their coach, the Chiefs are solid this year.

Gratliff

Well, hello, Torrey Smith

Spur

Who in their right mind lets MIke Shula coach anything? Cam is screwed until Shula is gone.

Brocky

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Did anyone get a load of Mike Glennon’s new haircut? I think his new nickname should be “Spud”.

Spur

or Morty

King Hippo

ah jeez

Duchess

At least they got a punt in there

Progress?

Mother Puncher

According to Coca-Cola, Chicago already won.

JustStopDude

Hogan throws pick and nearly gets murdered in the process…

This fucking team…

herodotus450

The police and no leads and the near murder is unsolved… to this day.
/ok that expends THAT wikipedia page.

King Hippo

fucking Gronk

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Does Robert Kraft get his style advice from Donald Trump or is it the other way around?

Duchess

The Bears are just doing what the Cubs did lose for a while… but forgot about the whole drafting good players aspect of Theo’s 5 yr plan.

JustStopDude

I think it’s really patronizing how much the ravens are giving this game away….

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Patron-izing is how Blake Bortles describes his process of unwinding from a game.

...

*sighs*

Doktor Zymm

If the Bears had just one more point, then the Buccs would have exactly 26x the points of the Bears

Duchess

Right now it’s just coming up Error

Dick E. Phuck

Jacoby Brissett looks pretty good, too bad his wideouts have mannequin hands.

King Hippo

Brissett really can play at this level. His supporting cast is just a steaming bowl of shit.

King Hippo

Fucking Moncrief

Doktor Zymm

Welp, that half just happened

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Why the fuck cannot people execute simple fundamental football plays, like kicking a short field goal or not fumbling on a punt return on your own ten with less than two minutes left in the half, when playing against the Chiefs?

The Maestro

I’m gonna go ahead and blame the ghost of Frank Rizzo for most of the Eagles’ current misery.

Smithchez

You know what’s more infuriating than not having redzone? Having redzone and it being, for whatever fucking reason, the only channel you have that has shitty reception (ON CABLE).

Dick E. Phuck

The hallowed Carson Palmer two-minute drill.

King Hippo

OK now, two minute drill Black HODOR! GO!!!!