Man, I had a great time on this very site yesterday while pretending to be a shut-in. All that was missing was a van to pick me up to get the weekly groceries. I’ll just assume that the higher-ups are working on that. TO THE GAMES!
Chi/TB: Will qb Winston be able to cut back on his-hold your breath, Bucs fans-28(!) turnovers committed last year? He has no choice. Perhaps the Bears should give the ball back to basher Jordan Howard. That’ll just make everyone’s favourite fantasy pickup, Tarik Cohen’s job that much easier. Howard is expected to play but he was listed as questionable.
Buf/Car: Both Tyrod and Cam are coming off so-so performances that ultimately resulted in W’s so what do you want? Bills HC McDermott cut his teeth in the NFL as a DC at Carolina so he’ll have a bit of insight as to how to attack the D. McCaffrey’s nickname this week is Run-CMC.
Cle/Bal: Despite grabbing the L last week vs. Pittsburgh the Browns played quite well. Qb Kizer threw at a 66% clip and came out even with respect to TD’s and interceptions. Maybe, kinda, sorta, perhaps they’re headed in the right direction? Easy now, it was one game.
Ari/Ind: Both teams suffered through some abysmal qb play last week. Indy decided to get on the horn/kick Tolzien to the curb and go in another direction. The Cards response was a resigned shoulder shrug and a, “hey, it can’t get any worse next week, right?” Let’s see how these disparate approaches play out.
Phi/KC: Here are two teams that impressed (supposedly) neutral observers with how easily they took care of business last week. The Chiefs should get the home win and the number one AFC seed (it’s never too early!) but it’s not out of the realm of possibility that Philly surprises.
NE/NO: At long last Brandin Cooks comes home. I gotta think that Grumblelord gets the Pats on track again via a hellacious beatdown of the Saints.
Ten/Jax: You know why the Jags are now so committed to the run/play tough D way of doing things? It may have something to do with qb Bortles being 1-11 in games that he’s thrown for over 300 yards. Welcome to your new ‘game manager’ status, Blake-Alex Smith will be by later on with your lapel pin.
Min/Pit: This is my pick for best game of the early slate. Rb Bell will have his hands full with the Vikes front four and wr Brown gets a matchup with top 5 cb Xavier Rhodes. I can see the Stillers winning but they won’t do it in a walk.
It’s another gorgeous day out there where I am. Just perfect for sitting in the basement and watching ball. Let’s get to it, shall we?
SHAN’KLOR, our beloved/feared goddess toys with the Jingoistic Citizens!
IT BEGINS
Oh man. Can’t wait to see the knives come out.
Clearly, Brady would prefer the use of firearms in the above comment.
I MAY have missed the “a” on first read and thought it sounded right for Pats
Do not make me feel anything other than hatred, loathing and disgust for Brady. My hate sustains me.
I’m expecting Kaep shows up with a BLACKS 4 TRUMP!! sign within the next 3 days now.
RedZone on one screen, TSN on another. Simultaneous NFL and CFL action for me. SENSORY OVERLOAD
SO MANY SIMULTANEOUS COMMERCIALS, HOW WILL YOU SURVIVE!
No commercials on RedZone woooooooooo
So. Many. Yards.
Oh god. The other Kelce is going to punish us now.
I’m hoping someone hits Jameis so hard his jersey starts flashing double zero.
With a lead pipe.
Whatever gets it done.
BLEERGH right off the bat in KC
So, choices are:
Jingoistic Citizens v Canonized Religionists
or
Nordic Voyagers v Foundry Employees
CLots staring two rookies in secondary. Palmer sucks but vets slay rookies — flex in Fitz if you’ve got him.
UNLEASH THE GIRAFFE
u can’t stop him only pray 2 contain ,, smh
WOOOOOOOOOOO, back in the U-S-A!
I’m sorry.
I mean, it’s not Utah…
OK, the Jets version of IT was funny.
yes, it was. That was inspired.
I caught the end of it and thought it was pretty good, too.
Anyone else think the Patriots fans parading around 28-3 signs are the biggest pricks ever?
I mean, how big of a persecution complex do you have to have as a fan base to win FIVE Super Bowls in a decade and a half and still want to lord over a team with which you have no meaningful rivalry with?
Just a sign of the times. Memes are more important than wins.
“Act like you’ve been there before” no longer applies because everyone is a winner — so you can only delegate yourself by tearing down others.
So I turn on the TV to catch some pre-game drivel and I got voices but no pictures. Pulled all the wires, reconnected, tried resetting everything with a reset feature… all no good. So what I have in my living room on a Sunday morning in September is a huge, flat screen radio.
That’s some worst case scenario for the current NFL right there
Can you stream from your phone and cast to the TV?
Currently going with the stream-to-the-laptop technique*
*As soon as my 10 year-old figures it out for me.
Have you tried turning it on and off?
Afternoon, gents.
It’s morning and the gentleman thing might be stretching it for me.
The amount of alcohol I’ve consumed leads me to believe that it’s effectively afternoon, and according to the aforementioned alcohol, you sir are a gentleman AND a scholar.
can’t disagree with that logic!
We gonna steal crab legs, AS A FAMILY!
NFL Network doing a whole segment on Adrian Peterson’s one bad week. I hope he gets one less yard each week and then has someone twist off one of his testicles in a pileup in week 17.
Ideas/Tips: Mrs. Wakezilla texted me saying her key is stuck in the key hole and the door is locked. Any tips on how to unjam it?
I’m at a tutorial and wont be home for a bit
Do you have access to oil? Slipping some in the slot should help.
Phrasing
WD40 up in there
Pliers? Or maybe it’s a chinese (racist) finger trap situation and you have to go further in before you can go back
Also, (cue condescending Lee Carvallo voice): The Traditional Way to remove a key from a lock is to turn it back to the starting position before removing
Does anyone remember Chasing Amy?
They make an actual WD-40 just for lock cylinders. If that doesn’t work, you’re probably going to have to disassemble the whole thing. Tell her to break in through a window and go find the toolbox.
That’s what you get for trying to slam it in there with out lubeing the hole up.
“We need a new house.”
Text from mrs blax if that ever happened to her.
Oh, Katie, that’s not necessary. Your ass is hot enough already!
Cholula makes for terrible sex lube.
Oh my she’s just the MOST isn’t she?
Just 4 hours till football, and 45 minutes till the Bears game!
Triple G won that fight goddamnit.
Now I wake up to see we’re starting Case fucking Keenum.
This was supposed to be fun!
More like lower case keenum, amirite?
pizza is delicious
since you are leaving, did you order deep dish?
Nah, not in the mood
Deep dish is generally something visitors eat. I’ve maybe had it twice since I moved here.
There’s a place here in OBX that claimed to have Chicago deep dish.
It wasn’t. Fuckin liars.
Most folks think Chicago’s pizza is mostly deep dish, but really it’s a diverse and good pizza city. It’s not something I appreciated until I went/lived other places and discovered most other pizza cultures are inferior.
As a former Midwesterner, I agree. It comes down to the quality of the meats and cheeses as opposed to the style.
I’ve heard that Chicago’s pub style pizza has become popular in NYC recently and that made me lol.
Provel cheese though, fuck that.
BTW Dok, I ordered some of the bacon sausage you linked to the other day. Good stuff, had the 3 pepper which was nice and hot.
Speaking of Charissa Thompson, I thought Katie Nolan’s show was a seasonal thing and would come back with the season. Turns out it was canceled all along…
That’s too bad. I like her.
Just saw my very first ping-pong-centric car insurance commercial.
/what?
Cam or Mariota?
I’m going with Cam over Winston.
/stinker better get a rushing TD
“Cam, then Winston.”
– Erin Andrews’ stalker, planning his post-coital cigarette.
I saw a decent amount of last week’s game via RedZone, and he’s NOT healthy
But Mariota is playing the Jags. i saw their game and their Defense looked good.
this is also true, a conundrum
oof! Winston it is then.
“I don’t know what a ‘Mariota’ is, so I’m gonna have to go with Cam.”
– Erin Andrews’ stalker
+55 million dollar judgment
69 minutes till football.
/not counting
Nice!
TEACHER: I’d like to speak to your mother, Johnny.
JOHNNY: She ain’t here.
TEACHER: [dismayed] Johnny, what about your grammar?
JOHNNY: She ain’t here neither. She’s at the Trump rally.
Also, teeth on the left brought to you by Marlboro.
I may have just had a minor Kubiak, I’m not sure what I just looked at.
Oh shit today is Cutler’s Dolphins debut. And I’m going to miss it! 🙁
– Jay Cutler’s thought process as he contemplates an easy throw.
But would Cutler expend the energy to actually frown?
Week 2 Of “How Long Will These Fuckers Claim Kaepernick Isn’t As Good As Their Tire Fire QB” continues. Highlights include idiot fucking moron Jeffrey Laurie claiming that he doesn’t like it when people protest the flag.
Am I the only person that hits the edit button, edits the comment, hits the reply button out of habit, and then wonders why his comment hasn’t changed yet?
I do that too.
Revised Prediction: The Steelers detectives will break the Case wide open.
Does Everton know that they’re allowed to cross mid-field?
No strikers, no wingers, what would be the point?
Vikings/Steelers or Pats/Saints…what kind of footwear would I like to be junkkicked with for three hours?
Off camera, Rex Ryan is suddenly aroused.
This talk of in-market games reminds me of when I lived in bumblefuck Missouri and the TV market was so small it didn’t have all the major networks. So the cable company actually gave us *two* CBS and NBC stations and while on was almost always the Chiefs, the other usually was not.
Of course, Fox always gave me the Rams, so I still usually missed Bears games.
I remember living near Arizona before the Cardinals went to Phoenix and, even though the closest team was the Broncos, the choice of games was excellent.
There aren’t too many of those neutral markets left.
Neutrality was always the best. Of course, at least there’s the RedZone fallback.
Pleasantly surprised Raleigh, NC got Dallas/Donks over the stupid Redacteds this week.
Having spent most of my adult life on the east coast, here’s a list of the “home market” teams I was treated to:
Jaguras
Panthers
[Redacteds]
With side orders of:
LOLphins
Ratbirds
Stillers
Falcons
Oof.
Charissa Thompson got some nice legs…
“Does she know how to use them?”
-ZZ Top
My penis tells me she does.
What does your penis think about the Packers/Falcons spread?
Somewhere, A. Rodgers perks up.
Take the OVER
Bradford inactive today? Sound the horn for Case Keenum!
Really? Man, the Steelers are lucky this year.
Yeah. “This year.”
well, I for reeelz gotta start Brissett now. Only got Cousins left!
More like “sound the kazoo”
I’m gonna order a pizza and play Fallout until the games start. Later gaiters! (Yes I know, but I like it better this way)
Make sure to throw some pineapple on that sucker.
/runs away
Sort of off topic but I bought one of those pineapple slicer things. It’s amazing!
Ugh, I understand having to show the Bears game, what with them being the home team and all, but why the hell is CBS making me watch the damn Jets?!
So you’ll watch the Bears.
How crazy is it that I am actually jealous?
Everton should score. It would make things more interesting.
yeah, and soon maybe later, monkeys will fly out my butt
As long as Man keeps missing empty nets you should have a chance.
In Chicago, that’s what we call Bears games!
The hangover-haver has arrived.
I’ll try not to type so loud.
Now I’m typing all comments in ALL CAPS!
MY EARS! GAH! You’ll wake the neighbors!
Locke has come back from the mysterious island and is now covering the Bears?
Also, fuck these NFL commercials encouraging people to record vertically. TURN YOUR PHONES.
The Byrds were prescient in some interesting ways…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4ga_M5Zdn4
Man, still 1.75 hours till football. On the plus side, this will be the last weekend ever that I’m subjected to the Bears game on broadcast!
I’m jealous.
Gave it a shot. Sideways hammock no good either.
And get this-it’s raining and dreary during the game. How trite. How banal.
There’s no way we’re in a one-off year where we’ve got the worst-ever performances in NCAAFB, NFL, NBA (as a competitive whole), broadcast television, the federal government, US media, and natural disasters. All while amazing individual broadcast performances in MLB, NCAAMB, Olympics, and SBLI (fuck NE aside).
Perception HAS to be reality and, when everything is this extreme, I propose that we all just need a paradigm shift.
“Paradigm Shift? KUUUUUUUUHHHNNNNN!”
-racist History of Science majors
35 seconds in and no score yet between ManU and Everton. smgdh. This is why everyone hates soccer.
took all the way until 4th minute
Okay, it took 3 and a minutes, but still…
Soccer should just be 12 x 5-min periods.
Keep up pace of play.
Good morning everyone.
I was really surprised to see an entire chapter devoted to ICP in Hillary’s new book. I mean, half the sentences were just WHOOP WHOOP but even so, I had no idea she was down with the clown.
Pictures from the Juggalo March on Washington yesterday are pretty awesome
I thought Run-CMC was Chuck Johnson’s nickname but I guess his floor turd was too solid for the name to stick?
In case you are like “who is Chuck Johnson”?
http://gawker.com/which-of-these-disgusting-chuck-johnson-rumors-are-true-1669433099
I’ve almost missed Chuck Johnson just because I can’t make floor shit jokes anymore.
It always throws me off that you east coasters consider them afternoon games. For us best coasters, it’s always the morning game and the afternoon game.
The West Coast is definitely positioned best for football consumption.
Says the 31 NFL teams in LA (to the disgust of the London Jags)
I spent one NFL season in beautiful 29 Palms and the only redeeming experience I got out of that was watching fitbaw from late morning through early evening without wondering if reveille would sound before the end of the late game.
Nobody plays football in the morning, balls. It simply isn’t done.
Here in the east coast we have tp fucking deal with 4 hours of pregame bullshit.
Whose going to win today Chuck?
The team that does the little things right bob. Now here’s Susie with a tale about the 3rd string corner thayt will make you want to change the channel but your gf to say “no I wanna see how this kid overcomes his adversity
Now how’s the weather for all the _game.
And here’s another human interest story about someone on the team doing something for some one who had a bad thing happen to them.
Whose going to do. Today Chuck?
….etc. etc etc
I’m in a hammock. Can’t say I get the allure.
Are you naked with Mrs. Blax? That may change your perspective.
She’s sleeping inside. I’m listening to an ebook and waiting for you all to start providing ARI/IND play by play by ripping both squads.
Try laying in it sideways.
I have on glasses!
No I mean longitudinally – with your arms pointing towards the hooks and your feet dangling off the side.
I may bitch about the focrible man-love United is putting to Everton the next few hours, too. Thank God for RedZone balm afterwards.
YES, I am still starting Jacoby Brissett in my money league today. WOO!!
I must be psychic-I predicted Amendola would be injured and I see he’s out this week.
To be fair, I predicted the sun would rise in the east.
Still doing better than Goff.
BURN THE WITCH!