Man, I had a great time on this very site yesterday while pretending to be a shut-in. All that was missing was a van to pick me up to get the weekly groceries. I’ll just assume that the higher-ups are working on that. TO THE GAMES!
Chi/TB: Will qb Winston be able to cut back on his-hold your breath, Bucs fans-28(!) turnovers committed last year? He has no choice. Perhaps the Bears should give the ball back to basher Jordan Howard. That’ll just make everyone’s favourite fantasy pickup, Tarik Cohen’s job that much easier. Howard is expected to play but he was listed as questionable.
Buf/Car: Both Tyrod and Cam are coming off so-so performances that ultimately resulted in W’s so what do you want? Bills HC McDermott cut his teeth in the NFL as a DC at Carolina so he’ll have a bit of insight as to how to attack the D. McCaffrey’s nickname this week is Run-CMC.
Cle/Bal: Despite grabbing the L last week vs. Pittsburgh the Browns played quite well. Qb Kizer threw at a 66% clip and came out even with respect to TD’s and interceptions. Maybe, kinda, sorta, perhaps they’re headed in the right direction? Easy now, it was one game.
Ari/Ind: Both teams suffered through some abysmal qb play last week. Indy decided to get on the horn/kick Tolzien to the curb and go in another direction. The Cards response was a resigned shoulder shrug and a, “hey, it can’t get any worse next week, right?” Let’s see how these disparate approaches play out.
Phi/KC: Here are two teams that impressed (supposedly) neutral observers with how easily they took care of business last week. The Chiefs should get the home win and the number one AFC seed (it’s never too early!) but it’s not out of the realm of possibility that Philly surprises.
NE/NO: At long last Brandin Cooks comes home. I gotta think that Grumblelord gets the Pats on track again via a hellacious beatdown of the Saints.
Ten/Jax: You know why the Jags are now so committed to the run/play tough D way of doing things? It may have something to do with qb Bortles being 1-11 in games that he’s thrown for over 300 yards. Welcome to your new ‘game manager’ status, Blake-Alex Smith will be by later on with your lapel pin.
Min/Pit: This is my pick for best game of the early slate. Rb Bell will have his hands full with the Vikes front four and wr Brown gets a matchup with top 5 cb Xavier Rhodes. I can see the Stillers winning but they won’t do it in a walk.
It’s another gorgeous day out there where I am. Just perfect for sitting in the basement and watching ball. Let’s get to it, shall we?
Hoo boy. Chiefs center went down. Time to murder Smith.
Cam actually needs his right arm to play quartered back, it turns out.
Reid Bowl is a great game.
Tiny Hands really did just do a good.
Andre Ellington and Chris Johnson and Carson Palmer on the same team? Did I accidentally time travel all the way back to 2013?
We were all so innocent back then.
♫ Those were the days ♫
Have the saints had the fucking ball at all this game? Every single time they show it, the Patriots are driving.
They’re playing rope-a-dope football. Go three and out as fast as possible and then tire out the Pats Offense. You can tell the Saints’ offense is cooking up something in a few more minutes.
/game will be over in a few minutes
They really did shoot Cam up and toss him back in the game. Holy merde.
You know, I’ll be missing all the early games next week, and the more I watch this slate, the less and less disappointed about that I’m becoming
I need the kommetariat’s advice. On the one hand these games are all garbage, nobody has scored a point on any of my fantasy teams in about a half hour, and I’m almost out of beer.
On the other hand, I would have to go outside across the street to get more beer. What should I do?
Did you check the medicine cabinet yet?
Can you yell out of your window for them to bring you more beer?
Hit up behind the 7-11 and buy whatever the homeless guy behind the dumpster is selling…
Call a friend or errand boy bitch and have them bring beer to your home.
Just make your own booze! It will take 2-4 weeks and taste awful though.
Get as many extension cords you have, coaxial cable and male-to-male adapters. Carry your TV across the street to get beer.
1. Go on Amazon.
2. Acquire drone.
3. Get drone delivered by drone to you this afternoon.
4. Affix claw to your drone.
5. Fly your drone across the street to acquire beer for you.
6. ???
7. PROFIT
Beer run. Definitely beer run.
I haven’t seen a Giraffe get this messed up since European hunters first came to Africa.
I played Paint Chips (h/t Shogun Marcus) over Buck Allen. I am a dumb piece of shit. Should have at least flipped a coin about it.
I guessed wrong on which member of the Ravens backfield would score more points
Okay. I’m all for trying to kill the Steelers, but that deserved a flag.
never, kick those fuckers when you can
I really hope the Bears have just stopped trying, because if this is the best they can do it’s really tragic
Jesus Christ. At least play like you have some pride.
“I can’t do it all by myself.”
J. Christ, Quarterback, Nazarene University.
The Cards are gonna make Larry Fitzgerald announce his retirement by Tuesday. My God.
Can’t do. A.J. Green already called dibs on Tuesday.
So he can what….fall back on that University of Phoenix Communication degree?
Even The U isn’t assuaging the awfulness of being subjected to the NFL. We’re gonna have to deeper.
Later taters
Which Eagle player is Kelce going to teabag on this series?
Yuck!, get that shit out of my face.
– Andy Reid
I am betting there will not be another first down in this Ravens Browns game.
*Sees Fall’s 2017 TV schedule and sees show’s titled Valor, Seal Team, The Long Road Home and The Brave* Man it’s a good thing we don’t live in North Korea where we’re constantly inundated with military propaganda.
Don’t forget SIX on the history channel about Navy SEALs
Thank god the Browns changed up their uniforms in an almost unnoticeable fashion or else I would have fuck all to cheer for…
c’mon, Black HODOR! You are INSIDE THE 10!!
This entire half is just garbage time.
So from what I’ve gathered on the radio:
– Chiefs actually suck.
– Patriots are pissed.
– Browns still suck.
– Bears really suck.
Am I up to speed?
Humps WR corps apparently really like Scott Tolzien
Jinx?
I owe you one Mexican Coke
/redeemable in Raleigh or Apex, North Cakalaky, recluse mofo goes nowheres else
also Frank Gore
One more thing;
Jacoby Brissett is stuck on the Colts.
Cam died for our Sins
Sounds about right
The bears really really really really fucking suck
FTFY
You mean, we can’t name the Chefs Superb Owl champs after one game?
Sam Bradford is no longer the NFL MVP
Not his fault, he ain’t playing!
He doesn’t know the difference between being hurt and injured!
Still hard to believe that in 2017, when you have a franchise QB like Newton or Wilson, teams still don’t invest in their O-lines so they don’t die.
Invest in what?
“You can’t expect me to be able to go out and buy white folks!” – Jerry R., Spartanburg, SC
We had a visitor from Chicago on Friday night. It was very amusing to hear about the city’s population’s reaction to the soda tax.
It’s just another money grab, it also covers LaCroix and some other unsweetened stuff
And right on cue, a commercial about it comes on my TV.
So I can’t get away from hearing about this damned thing because of all the money being dumped into ads about it but…
I would be okay with the idea if it actually funded healthcare and it wasn’t so regressive to people in food deserts who don’t have healthier options. It’s also an administrative pain in the ass and even Walgreens was fucking up applying it correctly.
But as much as people hate it, the campaign to repeal it is 100% driven by BIG SODA and I don’t trust those fuckers one bit.
About sums up these early games:
Gronk looks like he has a big back ouchy.
Gronk no like 3 way with Saints
good thing me gots Evan Engram on the bench
I like how Andy Reid’s strategy, now that Alshon’s been targeted roughly two dozen times, is to do nothing.
“Quick, get me a caulk gun and 800 mg of Vicodin.”
– Panthers Medical staff
Fuck, they hired the same team that worked on RG3’s knee?
They really oughtta be using straight-up oxycodone.
– your friendly neighbourhood quack
“But what about Cam?”
“Who?” — Carolina Panthers
“There’s no time for that, Goldstein.”
Another dead Bear
Climate change is no joke.
“What’s that?” – entire current EPA over very ground level staff
“It’s so hard to find the right one as it is!” – Aaron R, Green Bay, WI
4th quarter already? Did the bears request a running clock in the 2nd half?
Horse Balls is ready to go.
How the fuck ya doing?
Fine and dandy, Sharkbait! Fine and dandy.
Did Demarco Murray get ded?
Cam is though
The Oline killed Cam
Dudes, I told ya Cam ain’t right. He ded now.
Well, time to raise the curtain and welcome the Derek Anderson Experience to the stage!
where’s the “GET ME HORSE BALLS!” gif?
The life of a fan of a football player on the bubble. . .
Me tuning into the Pats/Aints game: I sure hope my boy Biggie got called up to play today.
/sees score
“I Sure hope my boy Biggie isn’t playing today.”
“Jesus, did I forget to include a sunset clause in this thing?”
– Satan, revisiting his contract with Tom Brady
Jesus is Satan’s lawyer?
Republican Jesus is. You gotta earn your salvation, and good deeds ain’t currency, you know what I’m saying?
Probably just for a few years, then he’ll be a partner in his dad’s firm.
Hey, everybody has a right to representation , smh
Cleary Satan has read Art of the Deal
YOU’RE THE DUKE OF CLEVELAND!! YOU’RE A NUMBER 6 BILLION!!
One series, and Timmy Brady should have been picked off three times. He’s going to be a bottom for Hitler when he dies, isn’t he.
Does Adolph have a chainsaw dick? Then yes.
/hopes Adolph has a chainsaw dick
So what if Kelce had nothing to do with that scoring play, at least he got a taunting penalty out of it!
/drinks
Watching The U.
It looks like this Khunt is the one doing the penetrating.
Travis Kelce taunting penalty..again
Wrestling heel, fo sho
Building for that sweet NXT contract when his career’s over
The more things change…
All of Kareem’s teammates are looking forward to playing a game in the rain, cause a KHunt is a lot more fun to play with when it’s soaking wet.
That KHunt will not be denied!
Super annoying that Rapey Winston is now on the league’s “dicks to be sucked” list
He was going to make them do it anyway.
“Well, I’ve penciled him in, it’s not official…”
-Anonymous, Green Bay, WI
Didn’t you watch Hard Knocks? He didn’t rape a single person on that show.
How Neville Chamberlain of The Shield
Super fucking tired of Travis Kelce at this point
Ref: “Penalty on the Saints, making Tom Brady look bad by intercepting him again, this won’t count, automatic 1st down New England.”
“Tom kindly reminded the refs just who they really work for.”