2017 Quotables – Week 4 (Submissions)

First, lotta discrepancies in power rankings between the major sites. The top some but the bottom is seriously an eight-team frenzy. Say what you will about parity and any given Sunday — a quarter of the NFL is effectively noncompetitive. Thank goodness the Rams made some sweeping changes and the Ravens/Jags/Cards are all overperforming at 2-2.

Last week (Week 4):
Top 5: KC, NE, ATL, DET, TEN
Bottom 5: SF, CLE, CIN, LAC, MIA

This week (Week 5):
Top 5: KC, ATL, DET, GB, PHI
Bottom 5: SF, CLE, LAC, MIA, NYG

Some really good candidates this week that, surprisingly, the NFL is doing all they can to silence. All sense of ethics aside (“We’re way ahead of ya!” -NFL Owners), it’s gotta be a logistical challenge to want to force your #content down every Americans throat 24/7/365 — except when you don’t. I mean, the Shield trying to limit viewing of the Trevathan hit — uhhh, hello, this is the same organization that sold photos of James Harrison droppeing Mohamed Massaquoi with an illegal hit.


Violence though, I get it. We’re coming around on “players safety” so I guess it’d be weird if the NFL didn’t take this position. But Cam’s fist-in-the-air TD celebration — boy, the producers couldn’t cut away fast enough when that big black man did anything other than pout or dance with a big ol’ smile ‘cross his face! No soft-shoe, no press; them’s the rules, boy.

Nonetheless, we got you a nice little quarterback sample platter for your Week 4 Quotables.


New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning spikes the ball after rushing for a touchdown against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Indianapolis Colts quarterback Jacoby Brissett pumps up his teammates in a 46-18 loss to the Seattle Seahawks.

Cleveland #ThePauls quarterback DeShone Kizer throws an interception against the Cincinnati Bengals.

San Diego Chargers quarterback Phillip Rivers communicates during a game in Los Angeles at the Philadelphia Eagles.

Washington [*Redacted] s cornerback Josh Norman tackles Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce.

Chicago Bears starting quarterback Mike Glennon receives a snap in the first quarter of a Thursday Night Football game against the Green Bay Packers.

Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliot celebrates a touchdown against the LA Rams.

The JV BONUS reminds us that the next crop of defenders is no more prepared to execute tackles than the Dolphins current roster.

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I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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Bogdanski

New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning spikes the ball after rushing for a touchdown against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Slii–ip, slip and slide. Thanks ma, best present ever.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ho-UTvQmoDg

Redshirt

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Football: “Don’t worry, Cleveland fans. Everything will be okay. Here’s a nice easy complet…PSYCHE!”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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That gesture is disrespectful to the MRE’s that the troops in Puerto Rico are eating!

Dick E. Phuck

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The Prosecution rests, Your Honor.

Unsurprised

“Surely a man of that breeding couldn’t possibly be guilty” — every nouveau-riche, Oil Aristocracy asswipe in the DFW metroplex

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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In Cleveland the trickster god DOINK has more powers than in other cities.

Unsurprised

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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He used to make those kinds of expressions in New England too except Julian Edelman and Chris Hogan kept misunderstanding and handing him their wallets while telling him they didn’t want any trouble.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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I haven’t seen Eli hurl something to the ground that quickly since his mean old big brother Peyton handed him a piece of firewood that had a beehive in it.

Dick E. Phuck

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Aaron Rodgers typically spends his Monday nights doing one of his favorite things in the world: Watching White guys get pounded by Black dudes.

Unsurprised

Kelce is white? Oh, fuck. I can make my jokes way more racist now.

Unsurprised

So, you can e-mail me the captions on Thursday night. I just downloaded these gifs, so I can make the captioned gifs and send you the URLs to plug into your Results page for Friday.

Game Time Decision

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Yakety Sax plays
/obligatory?

Game Time Decision

Mom said i get ice cream if i score a TD today. Wooohooo

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Unsurprised

TAKE THAT, PEYTON!

Unsurprised

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Jerry Jones: “GODDAMMIT! GARRETT’S TURNED HIM INTO ONE OF HIS SUPPER CLUB [expletive deleted]!”

Unsurprised

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Kelce isn’t the first chief a Norman has tried to decapitate.

—BUT—

I prefer my ‘scalped’ joke in replying to Lemonjello

Unsurprised

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I said HOME BASE! You can’t tag me here!

Unsurprised

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Inb4 Redshirt:

Kizer is the best Bengals QB so far this season

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Texas is one of many states that encourages their athletes to promote obesity, but you’d best be a gentleman about it.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Nononononono! BASE!

Unsurprised

OH GOD FUCKING DAMN IT

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Hue Jackson: God DAMNIT you guys! If you’re going to put magnets in your gloves, at least make sure they’re the opposite polarity as the ones in the ball!

Unsurprised

Magnets. How the fuck do they work?

ArmedandHammered

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“I wonder what kind of religion I could have started by yelling into a helmet?” – Joseph Smith

ArmedandHammered

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Was that blanket coverage?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OOOF! Nice.

Unsurprised

Sickeningly so

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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It’s this kind of emotion and melanin that made Jacoby Brisset expendable to New England

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Wounded Knee, Wounded Clavicle, Wounded Spleen, what’s the difference?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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And what happened then? Well, in Chicago they say that Glennon’s neck grew three sizes that day.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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YOU try knocking some sense into the Browns

LemonJello

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“Nope. Not sticking this neck out there for that one.”

LemonJello

Alternate:
Gingeraffe, gingeraffe,
What do you see?
I see my career ending
Right in front of me.

Dick E. Phuck

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Stage one of the Trent Green transition process.

LemonJello

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“Gosh darnit! MOOOooommmm! Peyton and Cooper lied to me! They said we were playing two hand touch today!”

LemonJello

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“FACTORY PRODUCTION AT MAXIMUM”
/sad, drawn out steam whistle sounds in the distance

Unsurprised

YABBA DABBA DOO!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

:banner image:

JAZZ HANDS

LemonJello

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HADOKEN!!11!1

Dick E. Phuck

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After coming to the full realization that he was on the Colts. Jacoby pleaded that someone, anyone help him escape from this personal hell.

LemonJello

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The NTSB recognizes the dangers that bird strikes like this pose to traveler safety.

ArmedandHammered

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Which one of you fuckas thinks its funny to replace the gatorade with bar-b-que sauce?

LemonJello

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Overheard in the Shitty Football Clippers booth:
OC: “He knows there’s not a microphone in his helmet, right?
QB Coach: “Man, fuck that self-rightous prick right in his ear-hole.”

SonOfSpam

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To be fair, not every Bear likes to bend down in front of a bunch of excited Packers.

Dick E. Phuck

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Oh no! Mommy said that if I get my shirt dirty, I won’t be able to go to Chuck-E-Cheese after the game.

ArmedandHammered

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*spikes ball petulantly* I better get an extra juice box AND a bed time story tonight!

SonOfSpam

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The last Manning that treated a ball so carelessly turned into Chelsea.

Unsurprised

Hey! Chelsea Manning is a goddamn national treasure. She’s the most insanely optimistic person on Twitter.

SonOfSpam

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BAWITDABA-DA BANG-DA-BANG-DIGGY-DIGGY-DIGGY
SAID THE BOOGIE-SAID UP JUMP THE BOOGIE

nomonkeyfun

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We don’t talk enough about white on white violence.

ArmedandHammered

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The Rube Goldberg play failed to live up to their expectations.

nomonkeyfun

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It’s Brissett, not brisket, goddammit!!! Every Rush Hashanah it’s the same damn thing.

King Hippo

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Hello? Jew aliens who planted the bugs in mah helmet? FUCK YOU!!

LemonJello

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The Bureau of Indian Affairs is appalled at this type of inter-tribal violence.

Unsurprised

Kelce got scalped

ArmedandHammered

Don’t know about you guys, but these are loading slower than Albert Hayneworth’s 40 times.

LemonJello

“I could crush 40 White Castles in seconds. Multiple times.”
-A. Haynesworth, alley behind White Castle dumpster

King Hippo

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It’s just #ThePauls long game. I mean, would you want Ohio?

King Hippo

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Tell that Hippo asshole to stop calling me Black HODOR! goddamnit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well done.

Unsurprised

“That Hippo asshole” describes half the people in Lucas Oil Stadium.

nomonkeyfun

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Everyone knows Giraffes can’t Hackey Sack.
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LemonJello

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“Why is my phone blowing up with the same Kansas City number and the message is just heavy breathing and the question ‘Is my carry-out order ready’?”

nomonkeyfun

Damn you. I was trying to come up with an Andy Reid one too.

LemonJello

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Zeke demonstrating the “Princeton Method” of fine eatings

Enrico Pallazzo

Mike Glennon just proving even more that soccer will never catch on in this country.