Latest posts by Beastmode Ate My Baby (see all)
- Hard Ride To Nowhere: The End, No Really I Mean It This Time, Seriously, Guys, This Is It – May 18, 2018
- Prisoners On The Pleasure Planet: Chapter Fourteen – May 11, 2018
- Hard Ride To Nowhere 2018 Draft Day Special – April 26, 2018
Holy cow! That was intense! Like, that Moose guy found these cannibals trying to eat this brain guy, and then this old cannibal lady showed up and hacked him real good with a big ol’ axe! There’s popcorn all over the car now…you feel a little sheepish about getting so startled that you spilled it everywhere, but Debbi Jo didn’t make fun of you or anything. She’s actually really cool, and watching the movie. She didn’t even cover her eyes when that cannibal lady showed up like you did. But, gee whiz, it was kinda scary, even though that Moose guy is some kinda robot or something and seems to be okay…
The scene: The desert hills, where Future Moose is looking alternately perturbed at the axe sticking out of his back and the fork sticking out of his chest. He’s currently holding Otto’s Brain in one hand, and a squirming Mama Cannibal with the other.
Future Moose (shaking Mama Cannibal): Seriously! That was not cool! What the hell were you thinking?
Mama Cannibal: I was thinkin’ that I was gonna hack you up so’s me an’ my boys could eat’cha!
Otto’s Brain: Gross! What is your deal, you psycho?
Mama Cannibal: Muh deal? Muh deal is thet thar ain’t enough to eat in these here parts…not since the Biggy Boom! So’s we have to eat whatever we can catch!
Future Moose: Well, you can take us off your menu. I’m inedible and Otto’s pretty much invulnerable.
Otto’s Brain: Huh. That’s right. I’m always forgetting about that.
Mama Cannibal: How can yew forget anything? Yer all brain!
Future Moose (sighing): Look, we’re going back to the gas station, collecting Weaselo and WCS, and getting out of here.
Mama Cannibal: Can I have muh axe back?
Future Moose and Otto’s Brain (in unison): No!
Cut to: The gas station, where a mob of cannibals are beating on the bathroom door. Inside, Señor Weaselo and WCS are holding the door shut since they have an understandable aversion to being eaten. It’s…pretty bad in there. Like, if you think about it, it’s a gas station bathroom in the middle of nowhere that was used solely by PK for some time.
Yeah, you’re horrified now, aren’t you?
WCS (holding the door): I am not gonna die like this! I refuse to be eaten by cannibals in this toxic dump!
Señor Weaselo (also holding the door): We could go outside.
WCS: Very funny. You know, when I joined the DFO we were just a bunch of misfits coming together to mock football and make dick jokes!
Señor Weaselo: That sounds like more fun that trying to hold off being torn limb from limb and roasted over a campfire.
WCS: It really is! I’d really like to get back to that! Instead it’s all vampires and clowns and cannibals…
Señor Weaselo: Welcome to my world, my friend. I have seen many strange things in my time…
WCS: Have you ever had a sixth toe growing out of your foot because the resident mad doctor in your group was using you as her personal guinea pig in her cloning experiments?
Señor Weaselo: Well…no…
WCS: I’m just saying, if Zymm ever hands you a vial of orange liquid and says “Drink zis,” don’t.
Outside, the cannibals are banging on the door with knives and forks and spoons. If you think about it, the spoons are probably more disturbing than the knives and forks.
Cannibal#1: Come on outta there, you guys!
Cannibal #2: Yeah! We don’ wanna hurt ya! We just wanna…
Cannibal #3: Well, we kinda do. I mean, we’re gonna eat ’em, right?
Cannibal #1 (banging on the door): That’s the plan…if they’ll open this dang door!
Cannibal #3: So, eating ’em probably won’t be painless, is what I’m sayin’.
Cannibal #2 (no longer banging on the door): Thet thar’s a good point…
Cannibal #3: Right? We got so dang hungry, we purt near fergot that these here fellas is probably scared outta their wits right now.
Cannibal #1: Aw, c’mon, don’t go soft on me now, guys…
Cannibal #2: No, he’s right. I mean, look at us! I used to sit on the town council! People looked up to me!
Cannibal #1: It weren’t really a town. We had a trailer park.
Cannibal #3: Hey, now! You know, that’s always been yer problem! You jest got to put other people down to feel better about yerself.
Cannibal #1: Aww…yer right. I’m sorry. Gee whiz, ever since Louella left me I just ain’t been myself…
Cannibal #2 (reaching out): C’mon, guys. Bring it in. Group hug.
[BATHROOM DOOR OPENS A CRACK]
Señor Weaselo and WCS peek out to see the erstwhile cannibals in a group hug. They look at each other quizzically.
WCS: Should we…I dunno, maybe…run?
Cannibal # 2 (looking over at WCS and Señor Weaselo): Hey, you guys can come on out. We ain’t gonna eat’cha.
Cannibal #1: We ain’t?
Cannibal #3: No. I think it’s time we admit to ourselves that we just ain’t cut out for this cannibal stuff…
Cannibal #1 looks over to see Future Moose walking towards the gas station, dragging Forking Cannibal and Licking Cannibal along. Mama Cannibal is walking with him, and Otto’s Brain is rolling with them.
Cannibal #1 (raising his butter knife and running at Future Moose): Foooood!!!
Cannibal #1 stabs Future Moose in the chest with the butter knife. Future Moose looks down at it.
Future Moose (annoyed): Just what is you people’s fascination with sticking utensils into me?
Mama Cannibal: What d’you mean, “you people?”
Future Moose (pulling out the knife): I mean you cannibals.
Cannibal #3: Aw, we ain’t really cannibals, mister. We’re just so damn hungry!
Cannibal #2: Yeah, the In-N-Out left after the Biggy Boom an’ then Sal’s Steaks & Stuff left. It’s been pretty hard.
Señor Weaselo: Wait…have you actually…eaten anyone?
The group of cannibals look embarrassed and shake their heads.
Cannibal #1: Nah. We jest thought we’d give it a try, what with this area bein’ a deserted wasteland an’ all.
Cannibal #2: Yeah, it seems like thar’s always some unsuspectin’ family or a van full o’ teen-agers who wander off the main roads an’ get lost in the desert.
Cannibal #3: An’ we figgered, heck, we might as well eat ’em, rather than a pack o’ coyotes.
Cannibal #1: Or a family o’ gophers…
Cannibal #2 (sighing): For the last time, gophers don’t eat people.
Cannibal #1: Tell that to my Uncle Ed!
Mama Cannibal: Well, the jig’s up, fellas.
WCS (as he pulls the axe out of Moose’s back): Why don’t you just leave?
Mama Cannibal: Easy fer you t’say, mister, what with yer fancy car an’ all.
Cannibal #2: Yeah, the gas station ran outta fuel an’ we been stuck here.
Cannibal #3: Plus, our trailers is here, so…
Future Moose (sighing): Well, frek…
Cut to: Hours later. The Moosemobile is roaring down the open road, Future Moose behind the wheel. WCS is riding shotgun with Otto’s Brain on his lap, while Señor Weaselo is squished into the back seat with Mama Cannibal and her two boys. The Moosemobile is pulling two trailers behind it, and the other former cannibals are happily waving from the open windows.
Cannibal #1: Wee-hooo! Ain’t this just the life?!
Future Moose glances in the rear view mirror.
Future Moose: Everyone okay back there?
Mama Cannibal (putting a hand on Señor Weaselo’s knee): We’re getting’ along jest fine.
Señor Weaselo: Umm…
Future Moose: Good. We found a trailer park for you outside of Tuscon. Hope you’re okay with being Cardinals fans!
Mama Cannibal (squeezing Señor Weaselo’s knee): Aw, I think thet Carson Palmer is right cute! But I’ll tell ya, I jest loves a man in a mask!
Señor Weaselo: Err…
Forking Cannibal: Aw, ma…yer getting’ all mushy!
Otto’s Brain (from the front seat): That Señor Weaselo, what a ladies’ man! He really takes after his father!
To be continued…