2017 Quotables – Week 6 (Submissions)

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

As is the cool thing to talk about on here, I planned to watch pretty much no football this weekend. I was gonna be all like, “Cardinals suck and adding an aging child beater sure ain’t gonna make me tune in!” but then Twitter didn’t give me a bunch of praise for this announcement so I decided to just sit on the couch and watch AP go off for 26/134/2. Also, since my dog just had a tumor removed, I was kind of glued to the house this weekend anyways.

Halloween Mode: Activated

Anyways, power rankings are all over the place after this weekend. Since I don’t run any kind of scientific model to balance all the rankings I do reference (big ‘eyeball test’ guy over here), I can’t really say with any confidence that these are what the ‘experts’ really think of the NFL this season.

Last week (Week 6):
Top 5: KC, ATL, GB, PHI, CAR
Bottom 5: SF, CLE, NYG, CHI, ARI

This week (Week 7):
Top 5: KC, ATL, PHI, CAR, PIT
Bottom 5: SF, CLE, CHI, IND, LAC

The Giants got a meaningful win and now New York/New Jersey is Bottom 5 Free! Then again, the Shitty Dirt Clippers de Casa sur la MLS beat the preseason darling Raiders and they still got bottom 5’d. For my two cents, I think Tampa Bay looks like absolute dog shit but that might be my “How’d you fucking give up 30+ to Arizona?!” bias. With the release of Navarro Bowman, it seems clear to me that SF is in full-on tank mode so CLE might have some competition for the Josh Rosen sweepstakes (who I also watched play JV Arizona this weekend and also looked unimpressive — perfect for Jed York’s 49ers.) At the top, well, 2017 is a season that, if you can make the post-season (looking at you, Dolphins), you can probably make a run.

Anyways, enough about me. Let’s get on to you and your Week 6 Quotables.


Baltimore Ravens wide receiver Breshad Perriman tips a pass that is intercepted by the Chicago Bears.

Pittsburgh Steelers running back Le’veon Bell illegally celebrates a touchdown against the Kansas City Chiefs.

San Francisco 49ers wide receiver Pierre Garcon avoids a tackle from Washington Redskins safety Montae Nicholson.

Jacksonville Jaguars mascot Jaxson de Ville performs during a promotion to give Tempurpedic mattress to season ticket holders.

Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton performs in a Values Voter Summit mobilization ad.

Washington Redskins cornerback Kendall Fuller leads an end zone celebration after a pick-six against the San Francisco 49ers.

I don’t know. NBC made this. And, might I add, the SNF graphics team had a much better ending to their week than Harvey Weinstein.

Tennessee Titans wide receiver Rishard Mathews is brought down in a game against the Indianapolis Colts.

 

blaxabbath
blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.

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[…] 2017 Quotables – Week 6 (Submissions) – October 17, 2017 […]

Senor Weaselo
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“Paint me like one of your Floridian girls.”

ballsofsteelandfury
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Jesus, LemonJello was on a fucking roll today!

Redshirt
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Eeh. That’s a long stitch. Extra love to your dog. May it be healed quickly and chasing squirrels and mailmen in no time.

Redshirt
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In hindsight, the Jacksonville Jaguars deeply regret allowing Harvey Weinstein to dress up as their mascot.

Redshirt
Member

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(Mickey voice) “You’re gonna eat lightning! You’re gonna crap thunder! We’re gonna have to put you in a cage.”

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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Trent Green wakes in a cold sweat, disoriented* and feeling as though somewhere, millions of brain cells cried out, and were suddenly silenced.

*he always wakes up that way

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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There were some reservations about going ahead with this celebration, but the blanket amnesty from the league offices really shook the pox off any remaining fears.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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It’s funny to see a cameraman on the field, it’s funny man.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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Level of tranquilizer dart: Bill Cosby.

Game Time Decision
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Game Time Decision

damn, soooo much better than mine.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Fun fact: eastern tribes learned the practice of scalloping from the British, who also invented the reservations during their occupation of Ireland.

I guess I’m saying, fuck the British.

SonOfSpam
Member

I think you were going for “scalping” but I’m enjoying the image of Indians thin-slicing their potatoes more, so please don’t correct it.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

The English also taught them how to fry the shit out of shellfish. The first Admiral’s Platter was for Nelson himself.

SonOfSpam
Member

Me pay big wampum for coquille st jacques.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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Scalped him!

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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Andy Reid worriedly watched from the KC sideline as his back-up secret brisket stash was almost discovered by Bell.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

It’s being tenderized.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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You usually don’t see the bear coming out ahead on a single rifle shot like that.

SonOfSpam
Member

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(Matthew McConaughey lawyer voice)

Now imagine a receiver, scoring a touchdown…
Happy, because after all the injuries, after all the surgeries,
All the rehab, all the pain…
The doubts that seep into his head,
The newspapers, all saying he can’t play any more…
Imagine Victor Cruz finally scoring another touchdown.

Now imagine he’s white.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

EDELMAN LIVES!

Beerguyrob
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“And that’s how my mom got away from Harvey Weinstein”.

SonOfSpam
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Hey. at least this Jaxon-pounding-on-a-mattress didn’t involve Jesus Juice and a 9 nine year old boy.

Beerguyrob
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“Look Zeke – no games!”

Game Time Decision
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Game Time Decision

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Sound of cocoanuts colliding

ArmedandHammered
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ArmedandHammered

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Enrico Pallazzo
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Le’Veon Bell makes Tyreek Hill wistful for the good old days.

Game Time Decision
Member
Game Time Decision

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It’s nice that Jaxson de Ville is willing to take a bullet for the camera operator\team

Game Time Decision
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Game Time Decision

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does this make Flacco the 4th or 6th best Chicago QB of all time?

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Tied with O’Donnell for #5

King Hippo
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That’s called making your own luck(y), Pierre!

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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“Someone tell those boys to divide into groups of five!”

–Jerry Richardson

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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“When I was a starting safety in the National Football League, they taught us not to lower our heads like that for risks of severe injury.”

–Trent Green

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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Once upon a midday dreary, while the fans watched, loud and beer-y,
UPFORWHATEVER and having forgotten NFL wrongs of days of yore—
An ELITE QB threw, rousing me from my napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one loudly rapping, pushing my heart’s chambers door.
I jetted down the field and I muttered, “tis my chance for a score—
Against lowly Bears and nothing more.”

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in this bleak October;
And each defender appeared to surrender as I tore through the sodden floor.
Eagerly I wished the laced skin of sow;—I knew that my glory would follow
For all my talent—was that field fallow–I felt sorrow for Bears DBs of yore—
For I, a Perriman, am nary a man when I have to declare OH!
Make the catch? Nevermore.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Oh Hell nah. I’m not even going to try captioning a gif with this.

That is great, though.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

#walloftext

or

tl:dr

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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I have a feeling “tl;dr” is going to be my new DFO nickname…

Brocky
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Those idiots still want the jaguars to sign Tebow?

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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You’re doing it wrong

–Aaron Hernandez, Dave Duerson, Jovan Belcher, Rashaan Salaam…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Junior Seau…

nomonkeyfun
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“Damn, I knew I forgot something.”

-Chris Henry

King Hippo
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Let Gus Frerotte be avenged!

Brocky
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nomonkeyfun
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Rashard Matthews was fined $50,000 for avoiding this hit, and injuring a Colts player.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

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Come on, it isn’t even No-Fap November yet

ArmedandHammered
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ArmedandHammered

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So is Snyder trying to save money on chin straps now?

nomonkeyfun
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Fuller was later shot for possessing a concealed talent. No talent was found on the body, but a Ginger colored hair was.

ArmedandHammered
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ArmedandHammered

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The goal post would like to apologize for the role it played in that scoring drive.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Rosen will be picked by the Patriots as Brady’s successor and have a Hall of Fame career or will be picked by any other team and be a backup QB for the entirety of his career.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

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I haven’t seen a non-sentient object subjected to such brutal abuse by a Pittsburgh Steeler since Ben Roethlisberger’s brain got smashed into that windshield.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

We would also have accepted “that bathroom stall door” as an alternate answer.

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