Latest posts by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (see all)
- Your “The Sun Rises on the Factory” Saturday Morning Open Thread – February 16, 2019
- Request Line: Duets – February 15, 2019
- Request Line: Coffee is for Closers – February 8, 2019
INT. TRAIN STATION – DAY
Three young men carrying luggage are standing in a dimly lit train station. They are gathered around a brick pillar on a platform between two sets of rail lines.
ANTONIO BROWN: No, see, it’s just like in the stories. You gotta run straight through it.
ELI MANNING: [pushes his hands against the pillar doubtfully] It seems awfully solid.
DOUG MARTIN: That’s cause you don’t believe.
ANTONIO: You gotta have faith, man. You gotta be willing to put your head down and power through.
ELI: Yeah, but…
CAM NEWTON: Oh, hey guys, what’s going on?
DOUG: We were just telling Eli about how to get to Platform 9 ¾.
ANTONIO: How you have to blast straight through the pillar.
DOUG: None of that chickenshit slidin’ nonsense.
ANTONIO: You gotta get your face in there.
ELI: I don’t know…
DOUG: Man, with that forehead you got it’ll be a piece of cake [attempts to wink at CAM but is too far below his eye level].
CAM: I’ll show him. Step outta the way, imma Superman this ho.
CAM NEWTON takes a couple steps back and powers headfirst into the column. He falls back onto the floor, clutching his forehead and writhing in pain.
CAM: Ow! Oh God, my brain!
An official-looking person overhears and comes to see what the commotion is all about.
LADYREF: Hey, what’s going on here? You boys horsin’ around?
LADYREF glances down at CAM NEWTON and then back up at the boys.
ELI: We’re sorry, ma’am. We’re trying to find our way to the train platform.
LADYREF: [furrows brow] You’re on the train platform.
DOUG: No, no, the secret train platform [leaps in the air in an attempt to wink at LADYREF from eye level, again goes unnoticed]
CAM: Someone…help me…
LADYREF: [ignoring CAM] There’s no secret train platform. Unless…let me call up New York and check…[she presses a button on her belt pack and touches her earpiece]
The boys stand shuffling their feet for an inordinately long time. To fill the time, ELI stares at a Taco Bell billboard, taking note of the availability of the Doritos Locos Tacos Supreme and how his allowance could easily cover the price of one. ANTONIO looks at one for Coca-Cola, envisioning himself drinking a delicious Coke in the tunnel after a big game, using his jersey to blow his nose and tossing the game-worn snotrag to some stupid fan and laughing as the kid cradles it to his face. DOUG stares at an advertisement for Rochester Big & Tall clothing stores and gets very, very angry.
LADYREF: After further review, the call on the field has been changed. Touchdown Patriots!
DOUG: Wait, what?
ELI: Well, duh. But what about the train platform?
LADYREF: The train platform? Oh, that. No, Bobby said he doesn’t give a tin shit about that. Original ruling on that one stands. There is no secret train platform.
ANTONIO: Well where are we supposed to go?
LADYREF: If I were you I’d be more worried about your friend here. I think he’s got a concussion.
CAM: It’s funny…to hear a female…talk about concussions…[passes out]
ELI: But we’re gonna be late! We’re gonna miss homeroom and then we’ll be truant! “Truant, truant!” they’ll all say!
LADYREF: Now if you boys aren’t here to catch a train, you’re just loitering. You’re gonna have to move along.
DOUG and ANTONIO grab CAM by the heels and begin dragging him away from the pillar as ELI picks up CAM’s luggage and follows.
DOUG: Maybe there’s some way we can appeal the league decision on this…
Suddenly, a rumbling noise is heard…though whether it is from a train arriving into the station or some other source is not clear…
REX RYAN: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?
ELI: Oh, thank God, maybe you can help us, Coach Ryan. We’re looking for the train.
REX: Oh, you boys are headed to Baylor? Sure thing, you want Platform 3, just head up those stairs, turn left at the shoe shine booth…
ANTONIO: We’re actually looking for the train to the Dak Prescott School of Maturity.
REX: But you boys ain’t rookies!
DOUG: That’s what I said.
REX: [looks down at DOUG] Well, I suppose I can see their point. You’ve got some growin’ up to do, little fella! We gotta get some steak in you! And maybe some of that pork shoulder chili that the missus makes, and some chimichangas, and a few rounds of cheeseburgers…probably wouldn’t hurt to bacon up those cheeseburgers…anyhow, I got some good news for you boys – the Dak Prescott School of Maturity is on my route!
REX gestures to a shiny train that until now has gone unnoticed…in fact, was it actually even there before…?
REX: Climb aboard, boys…
— [to be continued] —