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Renton, WA. Monday, October 16, 10:00AM.
Inside Seahawks team HQ on Lake Washington, a Seahawks coaches meeting is taking place.
Pete Carroll: Okay boys. Now, before we get started, I’m going to give everyone a minute to get it out of their system before I put this-here jar on the table and officially call this meeting to order.
Tom Donatell: Umm…Pete?
PC: Yes, Tom?
TD: The “Jar”?
PC: Oh, sorry Tom. You’re new. Th-
Tom Cable: IT’S THE FUCKING SWEAR JAR, MOTHERFUCKER! IT’S RIGHT THERE ON THE GODDAMNED LABEL! THEY DON’T TEACH READING AT IOWA, DUMBASS?!
PC: -e “Jar” is the tool I use to remind people that language has consequences. (sighs audibly, then points in Tom Cable’s direction) Right, TC?
TC: (points finger in kid’s direction) SO DOES NOT STOPPING THE RUN, PUSSY!
TD: **jerks backwards; falls over in chair**
TC: Sorry, Pete. Just excited for the bye week. Smackdown’s at The Key tomorrow night.
PC: Yes, Tom. We’re all aware. And before you ask me again, Daniel Bryan is NOT coming to take over our meetings, because – as I’ve explained – John Schneider is our GM.
“Daniel Bryan” is a character on a wrestling show.
TC: (sniffling) It’s still real to me, dammit. (whispers) At least he knows how to draft.
PC: (gruffly) BE A MAN, TOM! (To Tom Donatell) Anyway, son – I’ve had it ever since I started here in Seattle. I set the dollar amount, and the proceeds go to the year-end banquet.
TC: NATTY LIGHT’S ON ME, MOTHERFUCKERS!
PC: (angrily) TOM! THAT’S IT! (regains composure) Put a dollar on the table, now!
TC: FINE! (Tom Cable gets up, pulls a billfold out & sheepishly looks inside.) Pete, the smallest I’ve got is a fiver.
Darrell Bevell: (muttering) Might as well leave the whole thing. (nudges Pat Ruel) Angry fucker’s gonna just blow it anyway.
Pat Ruel: (whispering) Man, don’t get me mixed up in this shit. I’m barely hanging on as it is.
TC: HEY! (whirls around, pointing) WHATTER YOU FUCKSTICKS WHISPERING ABOUT?!
Pat Ruel snaps upright, afraid pee might suddenly leave his system.
PC: Pat, don’t worry – I’ve got this. (stern calmness) Okay Tom, just leave the whole thing. You’ve earned yourself a time out. Go down to the cafeteria & don’t come back until 10:30.
DB: (nudges Ruel) **snickering** Toldja.
TC: FUCK! (slams bill down on table) FINE! (walks towards door)
PC: And no Red Bull. I don’t need you hopped up like a ferret when you get back here.
TC: (meekly) Yes sir. (closes door behind him)
PC: Now then fellas, why don’t we go once ’round the table and you tell me where you think we stand right now. Kris, you’re the DC, why don’t you go first.
Kris Richard: Thanks Pete. Now, it is a good time to be Kris Richard. Things are solid – we rank fifth in points allowed (17/game), and we are barely giving up 200 yards/game through the air. Kris Richard knows we can tighten that up a bit – Kris Richard has got Richard Sherman having a players-only meeting with the LOB today, and he’ll report back to Kris Richard on where they think we can shore up an already solid group of individuals.
Meanwhile, (Ted Knight voice)
back at the Legion of Boom:
Richard Sherman: Gentlemen. I have summoned you all here to discuss improvements that could be made to our defence.
Kam Chancellor: BAM!
RS: That’s correct, Kam. How can we improve on perfection?
The collected men all murmur in agreement.
Michael Bennett: Comrades! Enough jabber. The real issue here is, how can we bring down the totalitarian system of government in place in America? It is time for the black man to rule! Robert – an update?
Bobby Wagner: Sir, Phase 1 is complete. We have identified the “true” Americans by our actions. They have begun boycotting the games, and we have correlated their twitter accounts to their seat designations. Soon, their season tickets will be forfeit, and their seats up for purchase.
KC: (finger guns) BAM BAM!
MB: Precisely Kam. Christianity is a lie. Now, onto Phase 2. How will we funnel the surcharge from Obamacare premiums to the Black Panthers, so they can purchase the tickets they need to begin armed takeovers of stadiums? Earl – your report.
Earl Thomas: Well Michael, to fulfill the third of The Ten Point Program, we will have to advocate…
(transcript courtesy FOX News)
Back at Seahawks headquarters, the discussions are starting to get tense.
Darrell Bevell: Pete, may I ask Kris a question.
PC: I don’t see why not. Just keep it civil.
Kris Richard: (rises from chair; slams a dollar down on the table)
The fuck you want, Darrell?
Pat Ruel: pees himself.
DB: Kris, we’re still giving up over 120 yards/game on the ground. What’s your plan to combat that?
KR: Oh, Kris Richard has plans. (points furiously down table) ASTRONAUT! Tell this man what Kris Richard has planned!
John Glenn: Coach, I wish you’d stop calling me that. It demeans the legacy of the space program, and Senator Glenn…
KR: Hold on, Spaceman. Kris Richard forgot John Glenn’s theme music.
(pulls out phone; hits “play”)
PC: (to himself) That song says we went to the moon. We never went to the moon!
JG: (grabs Kris Richard’s phone; hits “pause”) Anyway…our plans have changed a tad, now that Cliff’s down for some time. Frank Clark should pick up where Cliff left off, and our next three opponents don’t have much of a run game. We’re hoping that will plug the dike until Cliff gets back and we head to Arizona & face Adrian Peterson.
PC: Thanks John. Kris, this kid’s a solid addition to the team. That satisfy you, Darrell?
KR: Does it, Darrell?
DB: You bet coach. Thanks. Anyw–
KR: Well, Darrell, Kris Richard has a question for you! Kris Richard wants to know how come your offence is only getting 100 yards/game rushing?
DB: I don’t know, Kris. Maybe if the O-Line wasn’t made of spaghetti, my guys would have time to set up their plays!
Tom Cable: (from behind the closed door) YOU GREASY MOTHERFUCKER! DON’T YOU DROP THAT SHIT ON ME!
PC: **raised voice** Dammit Tom, (walks over to open the door) didn’t I send you to the cafeteria to calm down?
TC: (falling through open door, glass held to ear) I went, but I couldn’t buy anything, because I filled up the jar down there. Besides, I knew ONE OF THESE SHITSTAINS would try and blame this on me; I just had to find out which one. (stares menacingly at the whole table; stops at Pat Ruel)
PR: runs screaming from the room. In the distance, a door slams and a series of locks are heard being closed.
TC: It’s not my fault, Pete! For Christ’s sake, look at what I’ve got to work with. Half these guys never played offence, and I bet a couple of them played different sports in college. I HAVE TO TEACH THEM THE FUCKING GAME!
DB: That’s a dollar Pete! No, no – two dollars!! Make him pay!
TC: C’mon Pete. You gotta give me this one! I lost Sweezey this year, and Okung left the year before that. Christ – I lost Fant before the season even started…
DB: MAKE HIM PAY, PETE!
TC: …and he was a basketball player. And you sent Unger to the Saints for Graham. Jesus Pete, that was the one guy I couldn’t lose. He actually played college in the position we had him playing in the pros!
Dave Canales: Y’know, Jimmy Graham played basketball at Miami…
All other coaches: SHUT UP, DAVE!
Pete Carroll: Alright boys, that’s enough. Look – I know we’re all frustrated. That Tennessee game sure gave us all a knock backwards. But we tightened it up since then. We rolled Indianapolis, and all sides came together to shut down the Rams. Boy, (snickers) they sure do look different without that Fisher stink on ’em. **laughs**
All the other coaches confidently snicker, as their only 7-9 record won them a division title and job extensions.
PC: Now, looking ahead off the bye, we’ve got the Giants on the East Coast, then home for two versus Houston & Washington, and a short turn-around for a Thursday nighter in Phoenix. There’s no reason to think we can’t sweep those and be 7-2 heading into the Monday Nighter versus Atlanta. After that, just three wins will get us to 10, and hopefully that’s enough for the Division. Agreed?
All other coaches: Agreed!
PC: Good. That’s settled. Now, I’d like to resume last week’s discussion on the impact absorption of Vierendeel trusses, and the influence of the heat generated via combustion on their structural integrity…
All other coaches: Oh no, not this again!