HRTN Horror Double Feature!

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

That last film was pretty…weird. It must have been one of those European horror films that don’t make as much sense in English. Or maybe it was Mexican. There was a masked wrestler in it, after all. And you’re pretty sure it was dubbed. Whatever it was, though, it sure made Debbi Jo hungry. You went and got her a couple more hot dogs from the concession stand, and by the time you got back the other movie had started! Man, you hate missing the first part of a movie. Even one called…

The scene: A cabin somewhere in the woods. A brightly painted school bus with “Anarchy Now!” spray painted on the side pulls up to it and stops.

[SCHOOL BUS DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Angry Girl Scout sticks her head out of the bus, then goes back inside of it. Moments later she reappears, dragging a tied-up Unsurprised down the bus’s steps.

Unsurprised (his head not missing a step): Ow! When I get free, I’m gonna wring your little neck, you…

Angry Girl Scout: Ha! Good luck with that. You think you’re gonna get out of this? Fat chance! I’m not taking any chances this time.

Unsurprised: This time? Look, kid, I have no idea what you’re talking about, but…

Angry Girls Scout kicks open the cabin door and drags Unsurprised inside. It’s pretty much every ramshackle cabin in every horror movie ever. Cobwebs hang from the ceiling, dust is everywhere, and there’s a faded pentagram on the floor.

Angry Girl Scout: Nice! This place is perfect! Let me tell ya, I hate to rent a property unseen. I mean, the Realtor said it was owned by a Satanic cult back in the ’80s, but you never really know if they’re telling the truth, y’know?

Angry Girl Scout drags Unsurprised over to the couch and rests him against it.

Unsurprised: Look, kid…

Angry Girl Scout: I’m not a kid. What I am is a mistress of the occult and possessor of knowledge most arcane. Granted, most of that knowledge is cookie-related, but…

Unsurprised: Uh-huh. So you dragged us up here to this remote cabin so you could, what, sacrifice us to your dark masters?

Angry Girl Scout (dragging a chair over to the kitchen counter): Pretty much. Only this time, I’m not gonna summon an elder god going through a mid-existence crisis. Nosiree. This time I’m going straight to the top.

Unsurprised: Look, I still want to know what I’ve got to do with this. If you’ve got a beef with the DFO, fine. But leave me out of it. I’m not even a member.

Angry Girl Scout reaches over to the knife block and pulls out a rusty but still serviceable-looking butcher knife.

Angry Girl Scout (distracted, not really listening to Unsurprised): Great. Say, are you a bleeder?

Cut to: The inside of the bus, where two members of DFO Canada, The Maestro and Litre Cola, are sitting. They are also tied up, but Litre Cola has managed to get to his shirt pocket and is pulling out his cell phone with his teeth.

The Maestro: Hey, good job, eh? Maybe we’ll get out of this yet!

Litre Cola drops the phone onto his lap.

Litre Cola: Good thing I always keep it in my pocket. Y’know, I do that so’s I don’t go butt-dialing anyone by accident again.

The Maestro: Oh, sure. I remember. You accidentally called Justin Trudeau at three in the morning, didn’t ‘cha?

Litre Cola: Oh, yeah. But he was sure nice about it. He even gave me the name of his hair stylist.

The Maestro: I butt-dialed a celebrity one time, eh?

Litre Cola: Oh yeah? Who was it?

The Maestro: Aldo Nova.

Litre Cola: Oh.

There’s a moment of uncomfortable silence.

The Maestro: He did have a hit song, y’know…

Litre Cola: Sure, sure. Hey, I’m gonna try to dial this thing with my nose, eh?

Litre Cola bends over in his seat and rapidly taps out numbers on his cell phone with his nose. The Maestro starts to hum “Fantasy” softly. There’s a ringing from Litre Cola’s phone and then a female voice answers.

Female Voice: Penny’s Tiny Taxidermy, Penny speaking.

Litre Cola: Ah, heck, I think I got the wrong number.

The Maestro: Wait, hold on a minute…what the heck is ‘tiny taxidermy?’

Female Voice: Oh, we mostly do insects, but we also do mice, gerbils, the occasional hamster…

The Maestro: Do you do bats?

Liter Cola: Why are you asking that?

The Maestro: My cousin’s birthday is coming up, eh?

Liter Cola noses the phone and hangs up. He then dials again and a voice answers.

Male Voice: All right, I got the money, you bastards…

Liter Cola: Um…hello…?

Male Voice: But I swear, this is the last payment. You hear me? No more! You’re not gonna see one more dime from…

Liter Cola: Sorry. Wrong number, eh?

Liter Cola hangs up again.

The Maestro: This isn’t going so well, eh? Maybe I should try.

Liter Cola (nosing out a number on the phone again): No chance! You’re not putting your nose on my phone! That’s…

A new voice answers.

Voice: Mort’s Mortuary! You stab ’em, we slab ’em!

Liter Cola sighs and hangs up.

The Maestro: Look, you tried, eh? That’s all anyone can ask. Besides, we’re gonna be fine. What could that little girl possibly do to us anyway…?

The Maestro glances out the bus window to see Angry Girl Scout emerging from the cabin, butcher knife in hand.

The Maestro: Forget all that, eh? Get to nosin’ or we’re dead!

Liter Cola frantically noses the phone again. It rings once, then twice. Then a familiar voice answers.

WCS: Hidely-ho! What’s up, LC…?

Angry Girl Scout tromps up the steps into the bus. A few drops of blood drip off of the knife’s edge.

Angry Girl Scout: All right, losers…who’s next?

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.

16
Leave a Reply

Please Login to comment
8 Comment threads
8 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
10 Comment authors
Horatio CornblowerBeastmode Ate My BabyUnsurprisedWCSBuddy Cole's Off-Season Habit! Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

comment image

Horatio Cornblower

There is nothing wrong with Margot Robbie
/5 seconds later
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN MARGOT ROBBIE IS IN THE KLAN!?!?!?!?*

*She is not, that I know of. Please do not sue me.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Angry Girl Scout drags Unsurprised over to the couch and rests him against it.

Does she do crossfit with JJ Watt?

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

I was just wondering if Lena Dunham’s little sister also tweeted #metoo

Senor Weaselo

Is she really going to use the same knife? Talk about cross-contamination!

theeWeeBabySeamus

da Fuq just happened?

I gotta stop reading HRTN without a buzz. It makes way more sense that way.

WCS

Picked the wrong week…

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Makes sense why you liked it in the early morning time slot

theeWeeBabySeamus

I have become quite the night owl of late.

Oh, you meant….ahem.

nomonkeyfun

How I picture the scene between Angry Girl Scout and Unsurprised, in my head:

litre_cola

Since that butt dial my hair has never looked better!!!

BrettFavresColonoscopy