Bye Week Roadtrips 2017: Pt I – Miami Dolphins



An unapologetic, even if often manic-depressive (it’s a requirement given his choices of sports teams), fan of NC State University, the Baltimore Ravens and the Baltimore Orioles.When not parked in front of the computer and/or TV, can often be found on the golf course shouting obscenities to no one in particular.

[Exterior Day, Miami, Florida]

tWBS stands and looks across a huge and nearly empty parking lot.  He looks at the slip of paper again, and double checks the address.  Satisfied it is correct, he begins hiking across the lot.  After checking his watch again, he begins to run.  As he picks up speed, he clutches the large and unopened manila envelope closer to his chest.  The return address reads…

DFO Productions, LTD

P.O. Box 666

Hollywood, California, 90048

[Interior Day, Sleazy Office, Hollywood, California]

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris:  So, do you think he’ll get there in time?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly:  No.  No I do not.  I doubt he’s even found Florida, yet.  And who cares if he doesn’t?  It’s fun just to mess with him.

DTZM:  But what if like….he’s there?  And he doesn’t realize it’s a joke?

RTD:  Then it gets even funnier, and maybe we get some material out of it.

DTZM:  So win win.  We like that.

RTD:  Big time.  (looks at watch) …  You ready to make the call?

DTZM (giggling now and reaching to hit speakerphone):  Big Time.

tWBS waits impatiently just outside the front entrance of what he has determined to be the World’s Yuuuuugest Hard Rock Cafe…

He has to pee very badly…

His phone rings…

tWBS (answering phone while trying not to piss himself):  Hellooooo…

DTZM:  Hey there, tee dubya bee ess.  It’s us.  Where are you, babe?

tWBS:  I’m right where you told me to be.  Is this really necessary to get the whole In Search of a Goddess project rolling?  I mean, because it seems like…

DTZM:  Whoa, wait.  Don’t say those words.  Now we owe Nimoy’s estate another 86 cents.

tWBS:  But you guys said you were working on that.

RTD:  Well sure, but it takes time.

DTZM:  Sometimes a lot of time.

RTD:  Yes, sometimes a lot of time.  But that’s part of why you’re there.

tWBS:  Wait.  Nimoy is here? (paranoid now, looks around) …  Shit, he’s probably watching me right now, isn’t he?

RTD:  Nimoy is dead.

tWBS:  What???

DTZM:  Yep, very dead.

RTD:  Right.

tWBS:  Then why am I here?

DTZM:  To up your media recognition factor

RTD:  …media recognition factor.  You still got that envelope we sent ya?

tWBS:  Yep.

DTZM:  Open it up and look inside.

tWBS opens the envelope excitedly, reaches inside and pulls out a laminated card on a lanyard….

tWBS:  Holy shit guys!!!  Is this real???

RTD (snickering):  Well it’s not like we printed it out on the printer here and laminated it ourselves and then mailed it to you!  How silly?

DTZM (suppressing laughter):  Right.  Now sign it, wear it, and get in there and make us proud.

tWBS:  But why the yuuuugest Hard Rock Cafe on the planet?

RTD (laughing now):  Oh holy shit dude.  It’s Hard Rock Stadium.  It’s where the ‘Phins play.  This is your ‘Phins bye week thing.  Remember?  How high are you right now?

tWBS:  First, I’d rather not answer that.  Second, fine.  I’ll head in now because I really gotta pee.  And thanks guys.  Thanks so much for this opportunity.


DTZM:  How long before he figures out it’s fake?

RTD:  Probably about the time they try to toss him out.

DTZM:  Hey, turn on CNN just in case.

tWBS enters the building and finds a bathroom.  When he’s finished and has washed his hands, he follows the directions which were included in the envelope.  Soon he passes by a training room and spots…


tWBS (excited):  Jay!!!!  Jay Cutler!!!! .. (running towards Jay Cutler now and reaching into the envelope) ..  I’ve got something for you!!!!

tWBS pulls out a greeting card and hands it to Jay Cutler.

Jay Cutler (reading card and mouthing words silently…and very slooowwwly):  … and all of the rest of us kommentists(to tWBS) … What’s this word here?

tWBS:  “Kommentists”.  It’s just a pun.  It just means it’s from all of us.

Jay Cutler (reading card again slowly, mouthing the words): … think you’re a yuuuuuuge pussy.  (Not amused, looks up at tWBS).

tWBS:  No, no.  It’s a joke.  It’s because of that whole cat thing that…

Jay Cutler picks up the medicine ball and hurls it at tWBS…missing him by six feet.

tWBS:  Hey, at least that was better than in games lately, huh?

Jay Cutler begins chasing tWBS, out of the training room and down the hallway.  Soon, they run into…

Dan Marino:  Jay!!!  Didn’t we already talk about this?

Jay Cutler:  But he called me a pussy, D…. errrrrrr, Mr. Marino!!!

tWBS:  Oh I did not ya big pussy.

Dan Marino (reaching toward tWBS):  Let me see your credentials.  (looking press pass) …  DFO?  Why does that sound so familiar?  (realization dawns) ..  Oh geez, I’m gonna kill those two.

tWBS:  What two?  What?

Dan Marino:  Your bosses.  (To Cutler) .. It’s just a joke.  Grow a sense of humor you big pussy.  (to tWBS) ..  Follow me…I can use you today.

Dan Marino leads tWBS down a long hallway.  They come to a closed office door, inside of which can be heard occasional profanity.  The door reads “Offensive Line Coach”.

Dan Marino (giggling, knocking and opening door without waiting):  Knock knock.  I thought you might need some help getting settled in.  (to tWBS) .. Come on in.

When tWBS is in the room, Dan Marino leaves and closes the door behind him.  tWBS looks around the room and then at the man behind the desk…


Dave DeGuglielmo:  Da Fuq’s wrong with you?

tWBS (runs hand along underside of desk):  Oh, nothing.  Just for a second there I thought I had won a walk on role in The Shield.

DD:  Very fucking funny.  Marino keeps screwing around with me.  It’s like some weird hazing thing.  You really here to help me?

tWBS (runs hand along back side of bookshelves):  Nooooooo….probably not.

DD:  You’re not gonna find anything.  Trust me, I’ve already looked.  I haven’t slept in six days and I could use it.  And looking thru these playbooks, I still can’t figure out what that idiot was trying to…

tWBS:  Then maybe I can help.  You don’t need coke anyway.  You’re too much on edge already.  (tWBS reaches into his pocket pulling out a joint) .. Open a window.  We’ll get that mind of yours relaxed so you can see things better.  In the meantime, let’s talk some football.

tWBS blazes up, and the two talk for awhile.

2017 ‘Phins “Bye” Week

First thing you should know, full disclosure…this is not the ‘Phins bye week.  In fact they kinda don’t have one.  Remember that little thing called Hurricane Irma?  Yeah, she messed that up for them.  Tampa Bay too, another of my bye week teams, in fact.  Fortunately for the NFL, both teams’ bye week fell on the same week (week 11, Nov 19th) so now they’re playing that week instead.  This week though, the ‘Phins welcome the Jets to town in a battle which will decide the early AFC East cellar.

Defensively, Miami has been just fine.  Fourth in scoring defense (16.8 ppg), fourth in rushing defense (75.5 ypg) and eighth in total defense (309.5 ypg).  No problem

But scoring points hasn’t been fun for the LOLphins…

Kelly: Offensive guru? It’s on Adam Gase to get Dolphins’ inconsistent offense going (

Miami’s offense has been putrid, and the unit’s struggles have served as a reality check for the man who made Tim Tebow look like a winning NFL quarterback, and coached the NFL’s most potent offense during Peyton Manning’s tenure with the Denver Broncos.

The Dolphins might have a 3-2 record heading into Sunday’s home game against the New York Jets, but anyone who thinks this team is going anywhere if the offense doesn’t get fixed doesn’t understand football.

If Gase’s unit continues to struggle it will lead to a heavy snap count for Miami’s defense and eventually that unit will begin to wear down, much like what we saw last season.

Miami’s defense has been good about carrying the weight of this season on their shoulders so far, but if the offense doesn’t become more consistent it’s only a matter of time before cracks begin to surface.

It’s on Gase to lead the offense out of the wilderness, and to do that Miami must get back to what worked in 2016

Despite an abundance of weapons this season, Gase hasn’t been able to find a solution that will end the sputtering.


Some numbers to ponder…

  • Total Offense:  242.8 ypg (Dead last and it’s not close)
  • Passing Offense:  155.4 ypg (Dead last)
  • Rushing Offense:  87.4 ypg (#27)
  • Scoring Offense:  12.2 ppg (Dead last and it’s not close)

Jeebus, no wonder Foerster needed the coke.

But an interesting thing happened in the second half this past Sunday against Atlanta.  The ‘Phins found themselves offensively, at least temporarily, and managed to put up 20 points unanswered in a comeback 20-17 win over the Falcons.  They hadn’t even scored 20 in a whole game yet this year before that.

Does it mean anything?  Have they truly found themselves?  Stranger things have happened.

But I won’t be betting on them.

The Phins’ Remaining Schedule…


[Interior, Smoke filled office, Day]

When tWBS and Dave DeGuglielmo have finished “talking”, they shake hands.  tWBS picks up his phone, looks at the screen and hits “send”, then moves quickly to the door and opens it.

Dave DeGuglielmo:  Hey, what was that?  Were you recording all of that?

tWBS begins to run.

DTZM (Pointing to TV screen):  Holy shit!!!  I told you!!!  Turn that up!!!

DTZM and RTD watch as the news shows footage of an “unidentified white male ” being pursued across the parking lot of Hard Rock Stadium.

RTD:  Is that Michael Chilkis?

Just then a text message hits RTD’s phone…


Check email for uploaded file.  Where to next?

RTD clicks on his inbox then loads the file, then he and DTZM begin watching.

DTZM:  Ho.  Lee.  Shit.

RTD:  What do I tell him?

DTZM:  In for a penny, in for a pound I guess.  Tell him this…


Tampa Bay.  Check in with us when you get there.


To Be Continued….


An unapologetic, even if often manic-depressive (it's a requirement given his choices of sports teams), fan of NC State University, the Baltimore Ravens and the Baltimore Orioles. When not parked in front of the computer and/or TV, can often be found on the golf course shouting obscenities to no one in particular.
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[…] I wrote about their non-existent bye week nearly two months ago, the ‘Phins have gotten no better on offense, and worse on defense.  […]


[…] No.  No way.  You think I didn’t see what you did in Miami?  And Jameis is really fucking pissed at you in case you didn’t […]


I can’t wait to see the look on TWBS’s face when he tries to submit his expense receipts.


Jay Cutler begins chasing tWBS, out of the training room and down the hallway.

He must’ve been really angry. Usually he gets about halfway before doing a 180 and running back the way he came like he saw a ghost.


I have a non-MIA comment (for those of you who are just here to read about the Orange and Teal Attack).
[spoiler title=””]

Yesterday afternoon the Mrs and I went to happy hour. Before the check came, my vet called so I took it outside. As some of you know, my dog had a tumor removed last Friday and the vet was calling me with the pathology test results. So I’m standing on the sidewalk on the other end of the parking lot (read: alone) and the only other person around is this dude, maybe late 40’s, on his bike just sorta cruising around.

My wife comes out as I’m wrapping up the call and, while it was relatively good/”optimistic” news, I wasn’t a happy camper after the call (in part because I’d just been bracing all week for the call and I just needed to decompress) and was explaining what the vet said to my wife when the dude on the bike starts cruising up to us. “Oh hey man,” he is rolling up on the sidewalk towards us and I just wave my hand and say, “Not today dude. I’m not interested,” and turn back to my wife. He keeps coming and is like, “Come on man. I’m just saying hi and –” and I, again, wave him off and go, “Look man, I just spoke to my vet. Not right now. I’m not interested.” Of course he has some fucking book of poetry or whatever bullshit he uses to engage people and he’s now stopped in front of us, apparently insulted that I won’t give him my attention on HIS schedule.

So, in quick sequence, I tell the guy to just get the fuck away from us and that I’m not fucking dealing with him right now. He’s kind of rolling away telling me I don’t need to be rude about it and, I’m telling him that I didn’t fucking ask him to come over here and how many fucking times do I have to tell him to leave me alone? So he turns to start coming back towards us and telling me that I’m rude and then I just start yelling at him that I didn’t fucking invite him over to us. That I don’t fucking owe him a thing and that if he doesn’t like being talked to like that then he needs to fucking listen the first two times I tell him I’m not interested. He ends of rolling away making some comment and I end up telling him that he’s a fucking piece of shit (because I have to get in the last word) and then it’s over.

Not my proudest moment but I’m not going to apologize for it because these fucking shitbag people won’t take no for an answer (see: Donald J Trump). So I tell my wife, “Hey, fuck that guy and no one was around, but I’m sorry if that made you uncomfortable.” Her response, surprising to me, was, “well, it’s ok. I know you’re stressed about the dog.”

I bit my tongue then but, since this is the internet — this fucking attitude is why women get sexually assaulted. Because a fucking a old man that you have no business with wants YOUR attention…and because that old man won’t take no for an answer…you think asserting yourself and telling that piece of shit to go fuck himself is wrong? Like, I’m past my prime and really not in the best of shape but I’ll stand my ground and get my ass kicked (if it leads to that) before I’m just going to let some fucking prick chip away at my personal space simply because HE wants something from me.

I get that this is somewhat of an overstatement and I’m really reaching here — but if you’re going to sit here and fucking tell me that I have some theoretical role in fighting these sexual predators that are out there, well, the answer is to fucking stand up for yourself early on and then you won’t have fucking issues. I wasn’t rude for no reason. I wasn’t aggressive for no reason. But you know these fucking people — and sexual predators fit in here perfectly because, trust me every single woman, you’re not the first time he’s tried this — and you need to stop them when you want them to stop, not when they want to stop.

In conclusion: I’m very upset with my wife about this and anyone who doesn’t agree with me 100% is a Nazi.


Hmm. Well, I’m glad the vet had good news.


Maybe he was trying to get you to join fightclub?

You did nothing wrong and shouldn’t feel bad for getting the last word in.


Wakezilla to sweep Quotables next week.


It’s not PO BOX 69420?


“Oh, nothing. Just for a second there I thought I had won a walk on role in The Shield.”

Literal LOL. This might be your best work yet. Yeah, low bar, but still…


Holy shit I love this so much


Jay Cutler picks up the medicine ball and hurls it at tWBS…missing him by six feet.

It’s cinema verite!


The Press Pass is killing me. Great job!


Bra fucking vo.


For Florida, that is a slow Wednesday.

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