The Evil Dean

EXTERIOR – RAMSHACKLE CABIN IN THE WOODS – EARLY DUSK

[The camera slowly zooms and then pans around the cabin. There is an odd silence, as not even birds or insects can be heard nearby. Upon reaching the back door, the camera moves upward, until it just looking over the roof towards the empty forest. In the distance, a dust trail can be seen. The silence is suddenly disturbed by… the wind? No, it is almost too rhythmic for that. As the dust trail nears, the sound picks up. Floor boards creak, the shutters start to vibrate, the windows fog up. A car suddenly appears through the haze and rolls to stop, causing everything to suddenly halt.

[Car DOORS FLIES OPEN]

BOLTMAN: OOOOOHHHHHH YEEEEAAAHHHHH!!! BOLTMAN IS READY TO SPEND A WEEKEND ALONE WITH HIS FAVORITE SAN DIEGO SUPER CHARGERS, YOUNG AND OLD! THERE WILL BE BEER! THERE WILL BE BURGERS! AND THERE WILL BE HIKING!

LADAINIAN TOMLINSON: Did you say biking? I like biking.

NICK HARDWICK: It would be mountain biking out here though, MVP! I’m not sure that’s your usual kind of bike!

LT: [Shrugs] A bike is a bike.

JOEY BOSA: ‘EEEEYYYYYY! IT’S A ME, A JOEY! I-A WANTED TO STAY-A BACK AND GO-A TO THE CLUB! WHY-A DID I GET STUCK-A WITH THE OLD TIMER CLUB, EH?

BOLTMAN: ALL GREAT FUTURE CHARGERS NEED TO COME AND GET CHAAARRRGGGEEEDDD UP WITH BOLTMAN FOR A WEEKEND! IT WILL PUT LIGHTNING IN YOUR VEINS AND GET YOU READY TO SACK WITH LIGHTNING SPEED NEXT YEAR! [Runs in place and beats chest]

HARDWICK: Yeah, come on, kid. We all did this during our early years. I really played with a different level of intensity afterwards, and we want to pass this on to you as the next young leader on the team! Now come on, let’s go and get settled in.

[The foursome open the front door and enter the cabin. The living room looks fairly recently used, but still has an uneasy emptiness about it. The players venture throughout the creaky structure and claim a room each, while BOLTMAN opens the trap door into the basement and begins to unpack at the base of the stairs.]

BOLTMAN: JUST LIKE HOME!

[Everyone reconvenes in the living room/kitchen area and open the fridge to find a case of beer, missing only a single can. They each grab one and cheers, then quickly drain the contents. After a few more of these in rapid succession, they wander about the room and begin to laugh and tell tales of their times in the League. BOLTMAN, BOSA and HARDWICK share the couch, while LT sits atop a stationary bike in the corner.]

HARDWICK: …so after the fourth one in as many days, Phil finally said, “Shawne, thank you for sending these harlots to their quick and final judgement before our Lord and Savior, BUT GOD DECREES THAT YOU NO LONGER ENGAGE IN RELATIONS WITH THEM BEFORE YOU ARE WED!”

[The room erupts in laughter. Almost as if on cue, a lamp falls off the nearby end table and startles the group. BOSA, being he closest, reaches down and puts it back, before noticing the tape recorder and odd book nearby.]

BOSA: EEYYYY-A! WHAT’S-A THIS?! [Presses the play button]

VOICE: I believe I have made a significant find on my latest expedition to St. Louis; a volume of ancient burial practices and funerary incantations. It is entitled “Naturum De Spanoi”, roughly translated: Book of the Dean. The book is bound in human flesh and inked in pyrite. It deals with greed and demon resurrection. The first few pages warn that these enduring creatures may lie and are never truly rich enough. They may be recalled to active life through the incantations presented in this book. It is through the recitation of these passages that the demons are given license to possess the living.

BOLTMAN: BOLTMAN HAS HEARD TALES OF SUCH A TOME! [Presses stop on the tape deck] WE WOULD BE WISE TO LISTEN TO NO MORE!

BOSA: BUT I WANT-A TO HEAR THE REST-A! WHAT’S-A THE HARM IN A LITTLE MORE MONEY?! [Fast forwards before pressing play]

VOICE: …BENJAMIN, JACKSON, GRANT, LINCOLN!

[As the last word is spoke, a tree branch crashes through the nearby window and ensnares BOSA before dragging him into the darkness of the night]

HARDWICK: Holy shit! Did you see that?!

LT: Bikebikebikebikebikebikebik– Huh?

HARDWICK: Another franchise player cut down in his prime!

BOLTMAN: BOLTMAN FEARS THAT WE HAVE NOT SEEN THE LAST OF JOEY! AND RIGHT AS THIS ONE WAS ABOUT TO BEGIN THE ANCIENT BLOODLETTING CEREMONY TO CLAIM HIS ETERNAL SOUL!

[Just then, the front DOOR FLIES OPEN]

BOSA: DO YOU HAVE $200 FOR UPPER DECK SEATS?! AND-A $100 FOR PARKING?!?!

BOLTMAN: OH YOUR GOD! THIS PITIFUL HUMAN HAS BEEN POSSESSED BY A KROENKEIAN DEMON!

HARDWICK: MVP! WATCH OUT!

LT: [Peddling faster] BIKEBIKEBIKEBIKEBIKEBIKEBIKEBIKEBI–

[TOMLINSON is grabbed by BOSA, who takes a bite out of his neck]

HARDWICK: NOOOOOO!!!!

[TOMLINSON screams in pain, as BOSA then grabs him by the arm and throws him down through the nearby open cellar door]

BOSA: [Cackling] I HAVE TAKEN THE BEST-A OF YOU AND–

[BOLTMAN removes BOSA’S head from his body in one clean swing. Blood sprays from the stump in his neck and engulfs the remaining duo before BOSA’S body crumples into a heap before them.]

BOLTMAN: BOLTMAN HAS PURGED YOUR PARTICULAR KIND OF EVIL FROM THE WORLD BEFORE AND BOLTMAN SHALL DO SO AGAIN! [Does the Electric Slide through the growing pools of blood on the floor]

HARDWICK: But Boltman! What about MVP?! We can’t just leave him down there!

BOLTMAN: IF HIS POSSESSION HAS MANIFESTED, THEN BOLTMAN WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO FREE HIM FROM HIS ETERNAL TORMENT AND ABSORB HIS BEING INTO BOLTMAN’S OWN… WHERE HE WILL SUFFER A SLIGHTLY LESS PAINFUL ETERNAL TORMENT! BUT TO PROTECT YOU FROM THIS FATE… [Chains the cellar door shut]

HARDWICK: What are you doing?! He needs help!

[The cellar door suddenly props open enough for the face of LT to peer through]

LT: [Calmly] Nick, I’m okay. Please let me out. There is no bike down here.

HARDWICK: Oh thank goodness! [Rushing over]

BOLTMAN: [Putting a hand out in front and stopping HARDWICK] FOOLISH HUMAN! IT IS A TRICK!

[Both look down at the cellar door, where LT’s appearance has changed]

LT: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!! [Mocking] We’re gonna get you… We’re gonna get you…

HARDWICK: [Sobbing] No… How could you do this?! You’ve betrayed us all, MVP!

BOLTMAN: THE LURE OF MATERIAL WEALTH HAS ALWAYS TAKEN EVEN THE MOST RESILIENT OF HUMANS! HOWEVER, BOLTMAN HAS ALWAYS THOUGHT THIS ONE TO BE FAR TOO EASILY SWAYED TOWARDS THAT END! [Does a “make it rain” motion with his hands before a series of pelvic thrusts]

LT: Los Angeles deserves a winning football team! And it’s my job to make you a part of it! HEHEHEHE!!! [Bangs on the door and fights against the chains]

BOLTMAN: [Noticing a double-barrel shotgun hanging on the wall nearby] OOOOHHHHH YEEEAAAHHHH! THIS CLUMSY MORTAL WEAPON WILL MAKE QUICK WORK OF THE DEMON!

HARDWICK: Wait! You can’t– WE can’t just–

BOLTMAN: [After loading the weapon and sawing off the long barrel with one of his blades] BOLTMAN HAS HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR GAMES! IT IS NOT LIKE THE POSSESSION CAN BE UNDONE EASILY! IT COULD REQUIRE CONTACT WITH DIRECT SUNLIGHT, BUT NOT ALWAYS! OR HOLDING SOMETHING FROM A LOVED–

HARDWICK: …a, loved one?

BOLTMAN: [Cutoff] BUT JUST THAT ONE TIME, AND BOLTMAN IS STILL NOT REALLY SURE WHY THAT–

HARDWICK: [Diving headfirst at the cellar door] I’M COMING, MVP!!!

[As he lands, the DOOR FLIES OPEN and the possessed LT grabs HARDWICK by the head and pulls him halfway into the cellar. BOLTMAN drops his weapons and grabs HARDWICK by the legs, trying to pull him back out. A sea of blood begins to erupt from below, forcing BOLTMAN to lose his grip and fall backwards as HARDWICK, screaming, vanishes below.]

BOLTMAN: [Wiping the blood from his eyes and searching for his weapons in the rising tide] ARROGANT FOOL! THE DEMON LOVES NOT OTHERS! PROBABLY SOMETHING LIKE A DIAMOND NECKLACE… WHICH HE COULD HAVE SOLD FOR MORE MONEY!

[The steel bolts holding the chains across the door suddenly give as LT and the now possessed HARDWICK break through. LT reaches the table from earlier and begins flipping through the pages of the Book of the Dean, while HARDWICK staggers towards BOLTMAN]

HARDWICK: I’LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL! I’LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!

BOLTMAN: [Finding the shotgun on the ground and cramming it into the demon’s mouth] BOLTMAN SAYS YOU SHOULD SWALLOW THIS! [Fires]

[HARDWICK’S entire head explodes and coats the room in a fresh coat of red mist]

BOLTMAN: [Flips the shotgun in his hand a few times, before pretending it is a guitar and jamming a solo on it] METAL!

[Across the room, LT has found what he was looking for and begins to recite another incantation, as BOLTMAN is amused by his own antics. A strong wind begins to gust through the cabin, and things not secured down begin to fly across the room, breaking windows. Suddenly aware of what is happening, BOLTMAN fights the currents and impales LT through the chest with his blades, just as he finishes the final word.]

LT: [Cackling] You are too [Coughing] late! The deed is done!

[A portal opens just behind the open cabin door, and a strong gale knocks BOLTMAN back into it]

EXTERIOR – CARSON, CALIFORNIA – MIDDAY

[BOLTMAN plummets to the Earth from the sky, landing on a young family walking by and causing an explosion of organs and visseria]

BOLTMAN: WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!

[The camera then pans upwards, as BOLTMAN examines his surroundings. Soon, he notices the giant sign before him]

BOLTMAN: …no… NO! … NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.

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MitchKissingTitsbisky
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MitchKissingTitsbisky

So can you sell this as a spect script to a network or a streaming service please.

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

This is God’s Angry Team

Old School Zero
Member

Hail to the elder God, baby.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

At least no one will ever have to watch this team in person

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I am 100% sure this actually happened.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Shop smart. Shop S-Mart.

yeah right
Member

Groovy!

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Man, just reading this got me…

CHAAAAAARRRRGGGGGEEDDDDD UP!!!1!!

/pelvic thrusts
//femur drums rumble
///T-shirt canon fires severed heads into the upper deck

wpDiscuz