Happy Halloween, DFO! Did you know that many Americans live in an alternate timeline where Hillary Clinton is apparently more powerful than the President of the United States? Apparently even the death of Roger Ailed couldn’t break that spell. Anyway, there was exciting football played even when it wasn’t pretty and there’s more excitement to be had with quotables. FUN WITH GIFS!
Today, we’ve secretly replaced Zack Miller’s knee with balsa wood. Let’s see if he notices.
The next day: (Int. Operating Room)
“We’ll be replacing your original knee with one from the Steve Austin line.”
/OPERATING ROOM DOOR FLIES OPEN
Virginia McCaskey: No one’s paying for that!
And the winner for the 2017 Razzie for Worst Remake of Aliens goes to…the Pittsburgh Steelers! This is the Steelers’ second Razzie, after Big Ben won for Worst Remake of The Accused.
Phil Simms: “And after this play the Saints really had a leg up on winning this game”
Boomer: “Fuck you Phil.”
They would be tolerable if they really were like this
“Hey guys, we gotta get Joe off the field; he just asked for chocolate milk!”
With a proper sliding technique, this injury didn’t need to happen. Because in baseball….unwritten rules…history…blah blah blah….5,000 words later…you learn to slide.
-Peter King, MMQB
Confirmed Catler sighting
“Okay. I broke away from mom & dad. I know there’s vaccine around here somewhere.”
“What am I doing on TV? I thought I was watching the game at home?”
– Trent Green
Hill: “This play will put Brocky over the top this week in FF.”
God (to Shiva and Quetzalcoatl): “Watch this.”
Nice
“This Flacco guy you keep talking about has a Superbowl ring? I call bullshit on that.”
“THIS MARSHAWN LYNCH I CALL JERRY SANDUSKY BECAUSE HE’S DOING THINGS TO BOYS THAT ARE CRIMES IN EVERY WAY!”
“Anyone else feel like their brain is trying to escape through their eyeballs?”
Mr. President, please stop trying to grab that cat.
“My name is Luka.
“I live on the second floor.”
“Only NINE lives?” -Jim Caldwell (not smirking)
This might limit the Chicago Bears (3-5) playoff chances.
As the only receiver in the area who could catch a pass that low, the cat tried to come back to the ball, but then remembered that he could not be the first to touch the ball after coming back inbounds.
“Eli, I told you to turn off that goddamed Raffi record!”
“It’s Fred Penner, ma.”
“Well then turn off that goddamned Fred Penner record!”
“But I’m studying for football, ma!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OwHQgFNuN8
“Don’t feel bad, Ty. There’s a reason we call those bombs a ‘Hail Mary’.” -Alex Smith
I HAVEN’T SEEN A TALENTED ‘9ER SLAM INTO A SYMBOL OF U.S. JUSTICE THIS HARD SINCE HOPE HICKS’ SPECIAL COUNCIL INTERVIEW!
She’s gotta be shitting bricks right now. Well, she would be, if her years of training as a model hadn’t taught her how to properly administer laxatives.
The fucked up thing is you know she was like, ‘Uhhh, hey Daddy*, can I get some money for lawyers so I don’t go to jail or have to become a states witness in the investigation agains–”
Daddy: “NO COLLUSION! YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO GO TO JAIL!”
Hope: “Or flip.”
Daddy: “JUST GO TO JAIL!”
*DJT has her call him Daddy, obvi
Chris: “What a GREAT TRIBUTE to the steel industry we’re seeing here with this interpretive dance called Smelting Iron !”
Al: “How high are you right now?”
Since McNair thinks of players as inmates, Bell wanted to show off the bench press technique for when he hits the “yard”.
Colin Kaepernick is not better than a guy who throws short of the LOS on a 4th & 9.
“Now THAT is some elite concussing right there!”
“Wow, I’ll just stick with vanilla ice cream next time, that chocolate is too much to handle!”
“Somebody slipped me a Mickey! [Mouse Ice Cream Bar]”
“I’m not concussed, I just shouldn’t have had that Coke Zero Sugar before the game.”
“Now I would like to talk to you kids about passive resistance…”
“Hmm, passive resistance…[starts taking notes]…”
– Ken Norton Jr.
“Pfft. Just up the dosage. Duh.”
– D. Sharper
“Holy cow! When did the Colts start wearing purple?!”
Not sure I get the surprise. Garcon is the 49ers best tackler.
“I would have made that throw, but one of coach’s pulled pork filled football snacks accidentally got put into play!”
“No, Jim, they’re not just getting away with it. What they’re doing is totally different than what we got busted for…well, for one thing, they’re pumping the ball UP.”
– John Jastremski
Flacco looks like a deer AFTER the headlights here.
“Alright, Kaep, good luck out there, I’m gonna go lie down for a bit.”
Alternate: “You mean Trump really is the President?”
The BBQ sauce fumes coming from the Chiefs sideline was enough to cause Hill to lose his grip on this pass.
“Fortunately, there was a Saint right there to perform the last rites.”
“How does anyone else not see this?!” -Bob McNair
Dammit, they are coming so fast and furious today I did not see this before I did mine.
There are no restrictions. Wording, not concept, is often key.
Also, I’m not doing results this week so I’m participating.
WAIT WHY AM I DOING THIS IF THERE WON’T BE WINNERS
– Hue Jackson and Marvin Lewis, game planning for their upcoming tilt.
“Thank Grod, I thought he said ‘WON’T BE DINNERS’!”
-A. Reid
For the joy of just participating! We don’t want to lower any kommenter’s self-esteem, if they actually still have any.
Yeah? Well how would YOU react if you heard San Francisco was shopping for a QB as the trade deadline approached?
Can you please demonstrate for the court what Mr. Spacey did to you?
“Usually a flock of birds that size will scatter when approached like that. Must be some stupid birds.”
It was against International Magical Law for Jay Cutler to transfigure in front of so many muggles but he felt it was important that the Dolphins fans knew he wasn’t lazy and uninterested but, actually, picked up his O.W.L. in the practice.
“Somebody get the spray bottle, Cutler’s trying to get into the game again.”
“Man, I’m glad I never played football.”
-Trent Green
I haven’t seen a Garçon so badly mistreated by a Philadelphia player since LeSean McCoy left town.
Alternate take: I haven’t seen a Garçon so badly mistreated by an Eagle since the time I spotted Glenn Frey having lunch at the Chateau Marmont.
Mine was going to be: Benjamin Franklin frowns on Philadelphian violence against the French.
COACH REID: All right, Tyreek, I want you to do your best Joe Montana impression on this play…
TYREEK HILL: [does impression of Steve Young]
Playing in Philly? That Pierre got off easy.
John Elway gets his shotgun ready
After that run, Lynch taught the kids about the origins of the phrase “can’t even hold his jockstrap” by making all the tacklers that missed him hold his worn equipment and taking it back from them before he left.
“Who are all these people and what are they doing in my living room?”
Still the second best passer in that game
Wasn’t this a deleted scene from the Top Gun beach sequence?
Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco’s brain scrambles on third down against the Miami Dolphins.
FTFY
“When I asked Joe about the hit after the game, Joe was only able to respond with ‘mmm banilla pudding’. Kinda sucks for him.” -Peter King