(That was an actual quote by Sam Rosen during Jets-Browns. It was not a power-play goal.)

Oh, speak to me, o Muse… because you’re still mad at me for invoking you for the preview of this god-forsaken excuse of a sports team. I said I was sorry, can we edit that piano trio we were writing now?

So it looks like you won’t be getting terza rima a la Dante for this one. This team doesn’t deserve it. Hell, I’m probably over the number of words they do deserve, and I’m about to get to a hundred right about… now. It almost isn’t funny anymore, because it’s almost sad. Almost. But first things off, let’s go over just the quarterback debauchery. Because that’s enough to tell you everything else.

First of, they traded for Brock Osweiler because if they didn’t they’d have an issue reaching the salary floor. Actually no. Let’s backtrack. Zeroth of all, they needed Brock Lobster’s contract just to reach the salary floor because of the state of this team and everyone who left/got cut/just plain sucks. They also got a 2nd-rounder out of nowhere to sweeten the deal, insofar as “Here, we’ll give you this guy who we don’t want and costs a fuckton of money for no reason other than you need to take on the contract or get in trouble” doesn’t quite cut it. This was originally with the intention of cutting him (or flipping him for another pick after taking on the money), and they did cut him after DeShone Kizer “Please don’t say Soze with everything going on” won the starting job. OH, DON’T YOU OOH ME FOR THAT ONE!

So Kizer, who is, you know, a rookie, starts as QB. And this team isn’t going anywhere this year, we all know this. The people who built the team know this. So what do they do? Bench Kizer in Week 6, then bring him back in Week 7, dangle him around as the starter in Week 8. Which you’re doing with a 2nd-round pick of a quarterback. Who from the beginning of the season you had slotted as your starter, which means you expect it to be some kind of growing pain year where there will be ups and downs and maybe even dare you hope for one flash of brilliance?

Not to say Kizer was lighting it up. The Browns are 0-8, the offense is ass, and to further ass it up, the best player on offense, OT Joe Thomas, is out for the year with a triceps injury. Kizer’s completion percentage is slightly over 50%, including 4 straight games under that mark, and he has 6 total touchdowns (3 passing, 3 rushing) as opposed to 11 picks and 3 fumbles (2 lost). For a week they went to also-a-rookie Kevin Hogan, who was good in relief in the Jets game where the title quote is from that I’ve blocked everything else from memory, and maybe went raiding (but Brocky has the Mewtwo so he can cordially and lovingly go fuck off), but wasn’t particularly amazing against a nonexistent team, leading to the return to Kizer. Cody Kessler’s gotten into the fray too, proving the adage that three quarterbacks are as good as none. Which is why they tried to trade for… get this, AJ McCarron. For a 2nd and a 3rd. Which would be more than they got to keep Osweiler. Which means they’d be at a net loss, which would be high-quality Brownsing. Fortunately for the Browns and McCarron, it fell through for… well we’re not sure why, but it fell through.

I guess they’ll will continue on the same treadmill of shit of draft quarterback, have nothing around quarterback and quarterback also sucks, suck, and eventually draft another quarterback. On the positive side, in three games Myles Garrett has 4 sacks. On the bad side of even that, Garrett has an ankle problem and self-reported a concussion which led to him not going to London. The rest of the defense has been okay by Cleveland standards whether he’s around or not (18th according to DVOA), but not the start of a career they’d hope for. Because, you know, he plays for Cleveland and all.

Doesn’t help that it hasn’t been a good autumn for Cleveland. The [MLB Redacteds] were upset well short of the World Series and the Cavs have struzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… sorry, we were talking about basketball standings. But those two were supposed to take eyes away from the Browns!

Wait, I’m around 750 words already. Fuck. This is too much work, even if it’s been mostly incoherent yelling about a team I don’t care about. I didn’t even get to Josh Gordon being reinstated, but hopefully he can figure himself out, it sounded like he was in a bad place. Y’know, apart from being on the Browns.

Revised prediction:

Yeah, my 1-15 from preseason still stands. Or 0-16, but then the Niners do it too and then the tiebreaker for first pick is strength of schedule because the strength of victory will divide by zero and break things. Either way. We blew the inevitable 2-2/4-4/7-7 but it’s two safeties and a field goal game in the Manos game, which wasn’t a complete affront to sports—only the first half was. Unlike the Browns, where both halves are and will be bad.

Hell with it, someone put sixty seconds on the clock and come up with your own Browns jokes below. Or not. It doesn’t matter. It won’t help.