Latest posts by Senor Weaselo (see all)
- House of Pain (The Reignition): A Treatise on Tabasco – April 12, 2018
- THIS GUY RIGHT HERE, I CALL HIM CUT – April 1, 2018
- Your “Quality Outdoor Drinking Time” MLB Preview (Also I Guess Your Opening Day Thursday Afternoon Thread) – March 29, 2018
It’s about 11 PM Sunday night, and a young-ish man in a suit is driving home. It was a fairly loud gig, so the car is silent, apart from his occasional thoughts to himself about life, the universe, and everything.
Senor Weaselo: Hmm, so tomorrow I’ve got that show in the evening, so I need to leave probably at 2:30 for soundcheck and parking. Fucking parking.
(All of a sudden his phone starts ringing and picks up on the car bluetooth. It’s not a number he’s familiar with, but it’s probably too late for it to be those robo-telemarketers. That doesn’t even look like an American area code, so…)
Voice: Senor! Just the man I wanted to talk to! What are you up to right now?
Senor: Driving ho—wait a minute, who is this and how do you know it’s me?
Voice: Okay, seriously? You don’t remember the voice of the god of the underworld?
Senor: …Hades?!? How’d you get this number, and am I about to get my ass handed to me for roaming charges?
Hades, god of the Greek underworld: I am a god. Do you think I am unable to find workarounds to technology? And if I am unable to, do you think I can’t find a god who can?
Senor: Sorry, I just didn’t expect—
Hades: And that workaround means you’re okay with roaming or long-distance or whatever it is, you can thank Hephaestus for that. Even if he wants to go by Vulcan. What are you doing right now?
Senor: Driving home from a gig. Why?
Hades: Because when you get home, drop your violin off, where something presentable but comfortable, and possibly even cool, and get here as quick as you can. We’ve even arranged a car for you.
(Senor pulls up to park his car and sees a almost definitely souped-up ’68 Mercury Cougar GT-E with someone in it.)
Senor: …I’m guessing it’s that one?
Hades: What car did you expect from Hermes? A Fiat?
Senor: True. All right, give me five minutes and I’ll be in the car. (He hangs up, parks, opens the door, and changes as quick as he can.)
(Five minutes later, he’s in the car with Hermes. Twenty minutes later, thanks to some traffic on the Grand Central, Hermes is doing a 180 spin turn to park at the same entrance to the underworld that Senor went into with the crew for the initial interview.)
Hermes: Here you go, and don’t worry about it. Your tip wouldn’t be any use for me anyway.
Senor: All right, thanks.
(Senor walks through the entrance, pays Charon to take him across the Styx, and finds the enormous three-headed dog Cerberus… who immediately knocks him over and starts licking his face with all three tongues.)
Senor: Aww ugh aww, I missed you too, Cerberus!
Hades: Cerberus! Down, boy, come on! Cerberus! C’mere, you.
(The massive hellhound takes a step or two back allowing Senor to get back to his feet, before sitting intently between his master and the human.)
Hades: Well, he likes you now, so that’s good, right?
Hades: I suppose you’re wondering why I brought you here. It’s pretty hilarious, actually, but thanks to you Sisyphus and Prometheus started a sports yelling show, and since it’s the Jets’ bye week they’re doing a bit about that. And here we are.
(They come to what looks like a long desk in the distance with a camera.)
Senor: Where’s the camera crew?
Hades: Nobody wanted to deal with the torture of having to work on this show. And I can’t blame them. And I’m not gonna force them into this one, I’m not cruel or anything!
(A light on the camera starts blinking, which means that the two are starting again.)
Prometheus, the titan who gave the world fire: And we’re back here on Underworld Sports. If you missed our pankration special, we’ll be re-running that on Thursday at 4. As for now it’s time for today’s American Football Bye Week Rundown. First up, the New York Jets, who as we know, play in East Rutherford, New Jersey.
Sisyphus, first king of Ephyra, now known as Corinth: A fine strategy, for by the time the game, or match starts, the opposing team will not be able to meet them on the field and must forfeit. It is truly brilliant!
Prometheus: Except everyone else knows where they play and so that would never happen, Sisyphus. Whether with them or the other team that shares their home, the New York Giants. Anyway, the Jets go into their bye week at 4-6, tied with the Miami Dolphins for third, at the rear of the AFC East. This is considered better than the Jets expected, as they were expected to be firmly at the rear of not only the division, but the sport.
Sisyphus: No one would expect that they actually lead the “New York” teams in wins, with 4 as compared to the Giants’ 2…
Senor (aside in the back to Hades): When’d Sisyphus learn air quotes? (Hades shrugs.)
Sisyphus: …but that is where we are, with victories over the Dolphins, Jaguars, Browns, and Bills.
Prometheus: On the surface that would mean that the Jets are exceeding expectations due to 4 wins, considering some thought they may even go the entire year without tasting victory. But it may not be the case in the long run.
Sisyphus: That is correct. I must say I am impressed by Josh McCown, whose career has averted its death in a mannerism I would be proud of. He has the third-highest rate of passes completed, behind Drew Brees and Alex Smith, and is at or above average in many other categories. Considering his status as a “journeyman” quarterback it is more than anyone would have predicted. But we will see if the game against the Buccaneers was the beginning of a return to more of his career numbers, and if that happens and the Jets go on a lengthy losing streak whether they will turn to one of the younger quarterbacks to see what happens.
Prometheus: If that does happen, which early second-round quarterback do you go to, do you go with Bryce Petty or Christian Hackenberg?
Sisyphus: If you will so play Devil’s Advocate?
Prometheus: Of course.
Sisyphus: I would take Hackenberg.
Senor: (As if Sisyphus has said the magic word) Oh, like hell you would.
Sisyphus: Yes? Oh, it’s our friend from the mortal world, Senor Weaselo! Senor, would you care to join us here?
Senor: In the little bit of first-team action Hackenberg’s seen, even if it was preseason, he was abhorrent. There is a reason why Bryce Petty is above him on the depth chart, plus as he is a year’s worth of wasted second-rounder earlier, his contract is up first, so it’s a little more urgent to figure Petty out first. Plus, they’re both probably wastes, and thanks to managing a whole four wins the Jets won’t just risk losing out on both Darnold and Rosen and having to go to a second tier of quarterback in the draft, like probably another wasted second-rounder, but having later picks in subsequent rounds’ll dampen who they draft in later rounds. We all know that if McCown’s the starter next year—because he had a really good season, so let’s keep him on and maybe sign him to a multi-year deal because why not, he’ll only be 39—he’s going to be a poor man’s version of last year Fitzpatrick. That is guaranteed to happen. Because leave it to the New York Jets to be incapable of properly tanking. To use you as an example, King Sisyphus, it’s like the boulder rolling down the hill for the umpteenth time after trying the same way-too-steep approach to the hill when you should look for an alternate route that might be a little gentler and possibly stands a better chance of reaching the peak.
Prometheus: Well that makes my reasoning—
Senor: Hey, I don’t see Petty working out too well long-term either. Maybe a little better, but I don’t see him taking this team to the playoffs anytime before his rookie contract is up, and they wouldn’t re-sign him. That’s why the whole plan was Suck for Sam, or Take the Loss for Josh… okay, there was probably a better one for Rosen but I don’t remember it. But again, the Jets can’t do anything right, so they’ll waste yet another second-rounder if they don’t trade up for one of those two. Even if and when they probably end up sucking, because, you know, we can’t have nice things. Like that game against the Bucs. “Hey, tanking’s out of the question, maybe .500?” Ha, nope!
Prometheus: All right, all right, I think we’re out of time, and we haven’t even talked about the very-penalized defense or the run game or anything else really. Any revised prediction?
Senor: Out of the remaining games, the game against the Chargers may be winnable, since they’re at home. Maybe also the Chiefs after their game against the Giants, which was as bad in its entirety as the first half of Jets-Browns. Granted, that may be one of the worst things you see anywhere if not for Sam Rosen’s gallows humor. So I’m gonna say 5-11. Enough to totally screw over a high draft pick, but not good enough to actually do anything. Unless they go 4-12 because they lose so badly in Foxboro New Year’s Eve that they decide to give them 2 losses and take away a win. Which is totally going to happen if it’s close in the AFC playoff standings and the P*ts need a win to lock up a bye or home-field throughout. They will find a way.
Prometheus: All right, that’s all the time we have! Join us tomorrow as we debate: What are these games held every four years, and how dare they call themselves the Winter Olympics? Thank you again to Senor Weaselo to coming from the mortal world. Where they have fire! Thanks to meeeeeee—
Hades: You guys are out already. Come on, Senor. While you were yelling about the Jets, I got a beer for you to try, but you have to make sure you’re totally sober when you leave.
Senor: Hmm? Oh thanks! Let’s see, Elysian Fields… but the rest I can’t read. It’s Greek to me.
(Hades looks at him with a face that can be described as “Really? That joke?)
Hades: Wiseass. Check it again.
(It reads Elysian Fields Brewery HOPS OF CHRONOS. It reads on the label: You know how mortals have 60, 90, and 120 minutes of continuously adding hops to the boiling process? This beer’s like that, except instead of mere minutes or hours, we’ve been adding hops since when Chronos started governing time. And no, not Cronus. That’s the Titan and god of the harvest who was the father of Hestia, Demeter, Hera, Hades, Poseidon, and Zeus. Chronos is the embodiment of time. Get it right.)
Senor: Am I reading this right? 832%?
Hades: Yeah, so take it easy. If you drink that and cross the Styx before you’re sober, you will almost definitely die. Give it two hours. At least. It’s some fairly strong shit.
So yeah, the good news is thanks to McCown, the offense has exceeded expectations. The young receiving corp because the good people were either injured or let go hasn’t been complete and utter shit like expected, and that was the prediction even after picking up Jermaine Kearse. Robby Anderson has the potential to be a solid receiver; he’s had a TD in his last four games. And Austin Seferian-Jenkins has been a security blanket, leading the team with 39 catches. The running game has been inconsistently feast or famine, which is why they’re 20th in rushing yards per game.
The defense hasn’t, and considering the line has rarely gotten to the quarterback and the Jets are in the bottom half of the league in rushing yards allowed per game. The secondary hasn’t been the tire fire of last year, but they have been penalized a lot, as Buster Skrine and Morris Claiborne are among the league leaders for most tributes to our lord and Hades’s friend Bleergh. But the team has forced turnovers, their 17 takeaways being 3rd in the NFL (all these league stats are before this week’s games, so give or take a potential place or two).
All in all, the future has flashes of competence, and the new prediction of 5-11 is certainly a trend up from the beginning of the season where I had them in the 2-14/1-15 range.
…So let’s see how they fuck it up next year!
(It’s about 2 1/2 hours or so later.)
Senor: Hades, Persephone, this was fun, but I gotta be going, I have shit to get ready for tomorrow.
Hades: All right, get home safe. Hope you don’t die… yet. And next party we throw, you’ve gotta come. There are some people you should meet and hopefully get along with, dead or not.
Senor: That won’t go well.
Persephone, goddess of spring and queen of the underworld: Hades, stop trying to play wingman to mortals, you’re sounding like your brother. Sorry Senor, dear, but he’s taken a liking to you, I’d watch out!
Hades: Sephy, you make it sound scary…
Senor: Okay, okay. Take care, you two.
(Senor leaves the realm of the dead, makes sure to properly smoosh all three of Cerberus’s faces, and as soon as Charon takes him across the Styx…)
Senor: Shit, whoa, my head. I really hope I don’t have to bus it back—
(The Cougar and Hermes are still there, and Senor breathes a sigh of relief… and double-checks himself to make sure he’s not going to throw up. It would probably be bad puking in a god’s car and all.)
(Ten minutes later, since traffic’s fine, he’s home, and sits at his trusty laptop with a glass of water.)
Senor: Fuck. I have to write this all down now.