tWBS: OK, so the last time we did this, for Men at Work , we had a short-lived disagreement about who was Carl and who was James. Remember?
balls: How could I not? But we ended up agreeing that you’re more of the troublemaker if I recall?
tWBS: OK, let’s not rehash that again. My only point is that I think we’ll both agree from the outset this time…
…that I’m Scotty and you’re Cooper. I don’t say this happily, but I also can’t deny it.
balls: Hehehehehehe….I can’t disagree. FIONA!!!!!!!!
tWBS: LOL, shut up. Plus you’re getting ahead of things. Trust me, I’ll be pointing out why you’re Cooper when the time comes.
tWBS: Alright, settle down, Spaz. So our film opens as all good films do. A high school graduation where young horny folks are trying to figure out their lives. Sadly for Scotty…
tWBS: *sigh* Ahem. Sadly for Scotty, there’s something he doesn’t know.
balls: There’s a whole lot more than that he doesn’t know. We gotta play the song!!!!
tWBS: I was hoping you’d say that. Where’d you park your car again, “Cooper”?
balls: I know exactly where I parked my car! And yes, I have said that line to people to great effect. You have to admit, it was pretty cool when he was getting her to…
tWBS: Yep, right up until he got his ass kicked…
balls: Totally worth it. So are we just gonna ignore that that was Matt Damon?
tWBS: Yes. But we’re not going to ignore “Mike”.
balls: I sure wouldn’t. But that’s just one more example of why you’re Scotty, btw.
tWBS: How so?
balls: Only that it would be just like you to talk to a pen pal (let alone HAVE a fucking pen pal!) for an extended time, thinking it’s a guy named “Mike”, share your heartbreak, and then freak out when Mike wants to meet you to make you feel better. Granted, this is generally good advice:
What’s even MORE you is to find out later that you fucked up your German translation and it’s really a hot German chick named Mieke, who wants you. Or at least did. Before you fucked it up and told her to go to hell.
balls: Did I mention you’d fuck it up?
balls: Right. Wellllll anywhooooo…. Once Scotty learns he’s fucked it up with Mieke….
…he, of course, wants to fix it.
tWBS: Well wouldn’t you? I mean just look at her.
balls: Hell yes. It’s the first thing you…..errrrr heh heh….. I mean Scotty has done right yet.
tWBS: You said that on purpose.
balls: Yes I did. But back to the flick. So of course, to fix it, he has to get to Berlin to track her down and of course Cooper is gonna tag along.
tWBS: Don’t forget about the twins.
balls: Ah yes, how could I forget…
…Jenny and Jamie. Already on their own trip in Paris and unknowingly about to be pulled into the ensuing hilarity.
tWBS: Yes, but first… To even be able to afford to get to Europe, Scotty and Cooper arrive at the airport and agree to be couriers in order to get an affordable fare. Interesting name, huh?
balls: Oh hell yes!!! Classic movie reference!!!
tWBS: Right? I know I would have thought twice. But as it turns out it’s only a reference. Still though, of course the only thing available is to London and not Berlin.
balls: It sure as shit beats Istanbul.
tWBS (giggling): Inorite???
balls: Although, to be fair, I did have a flight connection there and the airport was perfectly cromulent. Anyway…. what’s the first thing they want to do when they arrive in London?
tWBS: Find a pub, of course. And this is one of my favorite scenes of the film if I’m being honest.
balls: Which, even if unbeknownst to them ends up getting them to Paris…
…where they quickly locate the twins.
tWBS: And like all good Americans, they can’t help but mock the locals once they arrive.
balls: Meh, beats the shit out of waiting in line at the Louvre.
tWBS: Big time.
balls: Except for this, of course.
balls: That is one of my favorite visual jokes ever.
tWBS: Just the joke?
balls: Yeah, that girl is spectacular.
tWBS: So, they get together for dinner where that plan out how they’re going to get to Berlin, together.
balls: And they get cheap train tickets that will get them there. Sort of.
tWBS: Yeah, you’re in Europe! Why go in a straight line?!? Look around, see the sights, meet the locals!
balls: Mi scusi, but are we just going to ignore that that’s…
tWBS: Yes. Mostly because I think you’d probably prefer to talk about Crans Sur Mer. You know, you being Cooper and all…
balls: You know me so well.
tWBS: I told you that we’d eventually get to the point of illustrating why you’re Cooper…
(also, we should point out this clip is NSFW)
balls: Wow that’s a lot of penis.
tWBS: Indeed. But of course this is also the scene where you….errrrr I mean Cooper, finally sees Jenny as a girl for the first time…
…but then of course all the penises chase them off the beach because they see Jenny too. Sadly, I couldn’t find a good clip for that.
balls: It’s just as well but let me praise the filmmakers for including gratuitous penis in the film. That’s quality equal opportunity exploitation! Speaking of, NEXT STOP AMSTERDAM!!!! The drug and sex capital of Europe.
tWBS: And, of course you, I mean Cooper, head straight to a sex club. Be careful what you wish for there, Cooper…
balls: First of all, totally worth it. Second, are we going to ignore that that’s….
balls: Ok, I should maybe brush up on my Dutch before returning to Amsterdam I guess. Yes, I’ve been there multiple times.
tWBS: Hey, at least you got the t-shirt!
balls: This is literally true. But let’s not forget the others. As we saw in the clip, Jenny and Scotty end up at a bakery thinking it’s one of “those” bakeries.
tWBS: It’s not.
balls: Do you know how many times I’ve said to someone, “PUT YOUR SHIRT ON WHITE BOY!”?
tWBS: I really don’t want to know.
balls: Anyway, there was also Jamie’s night in Amsterdam…
tWBS: But he got robbed.
balls: It doesn’t appear he much cares…
…and considering he’s the only one who hooked up in Amsterdam….
tWBS: Indeed. But of course now they have no money and no tickets. So, it’s hitchiking to Berlin. Or not…
balls: Ah, Bratislava. At least they do have a very favorable exchange rate…
…which among other things, gets you into a kickass club and buys a lot of absinthe.
tWBS: Yes. Maybe a little too much.
balls: Indeed. But at least this happened…
balls: She looks so amazingly hot there, it’s unbelievable.
tWBS: So, you’d make out with her if she was your sister?
balls: No comment. Anyway, their friendship with 80s Slovakian guy enables them to finally reach Berlin.
tWBS: Yes, finally. The pinnacle moment where Scotty finally reaches his destiny. Where he finally shows up and sweeps Mieke off her German feet…
balls (laughing): Again, that’s so you .
tWBS: Yeah, why don’t you go Flugen yourself?
balls: I would but there’s no time. We’ve got to get to Rome…and fast!!!! But there’s still no money.
tWBS: Yes, so Jamie steps up and comes through big time. In fact, let me say, as someone who is very protective/possessive of his own cameras, it’s a pretty damned good friend who will pawn his just to get the money to get you to Rome for some German chick. Because like Jamie, no one but me touches my cameras.
balls: So it’s like your weiner?
tWBS: Shit, I should have known you’d do that. Also, yes. Also, for our readers’ reference…
balls: Hehehehe, sorry….I had to. But onto Rome to bring the Catholic Church to its knees!!!!!
tWBS: Don’t take this the wrong way, but I could totally see you putting on the Mitre and then setting it on fire.
balls: WE DON’T NEED NO WATER LET THE MUTHAFU….wait, how’d you know it was called that?
tWBS: I’m not just a pretty face, ya know. I’M ONE A CRAZY POPE!!!! Sadly I couldn’t find that clip either *sigh*
balls: Awwwww, too bad. Plus it’s where we see Scotty finally fix things with Mieke. So I guess you’re really not like him, huh? Because did I mention…you’d have fucked it up?
tWBS: Shut up. Also, you’re Catholic. You should be nicer to me now that Imma da new Pope. But yes, he fixes things with her, they fall in love and then later, back home…
balls: Whoa, whoa, whoa!!!!
tWBS: Is there a problem, Cooper?
balls: Uh, yeah. I think you’re forgetting something.
tWBS: Why Cooper, whatever do you mean?
balls: Fuck you. ROLL THE DAMNED TAPE!!!!!!
balls: Mile High Club baby!!!!! And still counts as Europe, too.
tWBS: Hehehe, yes it does. So finally now that Cooper hooked up, we can get to our ending. Scotty and Mieke now have a long distance thing going, have a future planned together, and Scotty is starting his freshman year at college…
balls: You do realize that’s in German, right?
tWBS: Yes, I have to be more worldly now that Imma da new Pope.
balls: Oh FFS, stop that. Essentially, what our fake Papal friend just showed you was that Mieke showed up unexpectedly to surprise Scotty. The biggest surprise? She has decided to move to the states and go to college here. Aaaannnnnddd….she’s also his new roommate because the school screwed up and thought she was a guy named “Mike”.
tWBS: See? Scotty had it all under control the whole time. His plan worked to perfection.
balls: So again, not like you after all.
tWBS: Exactly. Fade to black.
balls: Whoa, whoa, whoa!!!
tWBS: *sigh* Now what?
balls: The end credits, your Excellency. Like many of these films, the movie doesn’t just end. We get outtakes, deleted scenes. But also some quality humour from the producers at the end, among which are…
Alec would like to thank his parents for allowing him to watch a lot of TV as a child. Also, his beautiful wife and child for all of their love and support, and for coming all the way to Prague to stay for the duration of production, and for having the courage of conviction to know that was a terrible idea and to get the hell out 4 weeks later.
David would like to thank his parents despite the fact that they still want him to go to medical school. Also, thanks to everyone who came and visited in Prague – the roommates,the comic art guys, the girlfriend, Lampoon folk. It was a crazy long flight, but the visits really helped. Everyone who didn’t visit can go to hell. You know who you are.
Jeff would like to thank his parents for buying all the Cleveland Indians merchandise, and for insisting that he thank them in writing. He would also like to thank Ted Griffin for watching over his house while he was in Prague, and would now kindly thank him to stop crapping in it daily.
tWBS: Yep, that’s some quality smartassery right there, I agree. So we done here? What are we giving this one?
balls: Like you even have to ask?????
See you next time…..
AT THE MOVIES!!!!!!