Well of course I signed up for spot duty here. I love top-flight football, in many ways the opposite of the NFL.

The NFL is micromanaged, start-and-stop lawyerball with armored athletic specimens banging into each other—all under the watch of a dozen officials on the field and the ether. Fútbol is the simplest game, almost instinctive. And the players look like usual folk; the clock never stops; and one ref, who is seldom in the way, lords over the action. Some quibble with the “action” part: apparently, some sports fans are into “scoring”. And there’s even those who demand (demand!) a “win or lose outcome”.

Kidding. It takes a special kind of asshole to hate people for not liking the same stuff you like. Besides, watching fútbol involves the bargain that any game will end 0-0. The flip side is that the sport allows an inferior team to keep any game contested and even steal a win with a single counterattack, a converted foul, a gnarly corner, or fluky foosball ricochet. Hell, the single goal of a 1-0 final score has its own jazzy march:

Aside from the goals, top-flight fútbol delivers: the skill with which the players toy with, bend and smash the ball and also how they kick and elbow the shit out of opponents. Yeah, aggression is very much a part of the game, despite the common image non-fans have of fútbol players. For instance, this is Zlatan Ibrahimovich:

And here is how a REAL FOOTBAW FAN would see “Sultan Abragovich:

If you’re on the fence about fútbol (to like it, not on whether be apathetic or a haytah), this morning offers one of the best possible matchups.

Real Madrid v. Barcelona FC – 6 AM Central (BeIn Sports Muthafuckas!)

Well, heh heh, offered. Stupid time zones. Should’ve been an evening game. Maybe it’s a security concern, with the Catalonian parliamentary elections this week favoring pro-independence parties in the wake of crushing… You now, let’s table the issue until I’m less bitter about politics. How about a soft deadline of January, 2037.

Real and Barcelona are embarrassingly stacked. On the Guardian’s 100 top players in the world for 2017, Barcelona has nine. Real Madrid has 13. Thirteen! 1 and 2 are Messi and Ronaldo, respectively. And many are mad that Ronaldo is second (now or ever). It’s a fierce argument, but it gets dumb fast. Ronaldo has the numbers and has won every trophy but the World Cup—and the memerati are still doing that Penaldo crap. Yeah, he won his fifth Golden Boot this year by kicking penalties.

Don’t get me wrong: I like tired crap. But this best / worst, champion / dildo Boolean judging… Enough! These two are fierce competitors with incredible skills. All you need to appreciate it is eyes. But yeah, Messi by a mile.

Still, Luis Suárez is my favorite player [dodges empties of fancy beer]. I hope he breaks Sergio Ramos’s nose, accidentally.

Over in England (with special guest, Wales):

Everton v. Chelsea – 5:30 AM Central (??Slated NBC-affiliated channel)

Regarding the hosts, the boycott continues. This space shall not be soiled.

 /hat tip to King Hippo

 //burns hat with cig

 Instead, let’s all enjoy Antonio Conte in his underwear.

Manchester City v. Bournemouth – 9:00 AM Central (NBCSN)

Cherries go to Man City!

[vulgar machinations, palpitations]

Let’s move on.

Southampton v. Huddersfield Town – 9 AM Central (Rich Folks Package)

Number 12 v. 11 on the table. Both teams average less than a goal a game. Woof.

West Ham United v. Newcastle United – 9 AM Central (NBC Mold)

West Ham is two points clear of The Relegation Zone, Newcastle is 18^th.  Both average less than a goal a game. Suggested refreshment to enjoy this game:

Stoke City v. West Bromwich Albion – 9 AM Central (Don’t)

 17^th v. 19^th! See above.

Swansea City v. Crystal Palace – 9 AM Central (CNBC)

Swansea’s comfortably in  20^th place, 12 points in 18 games, TEN GOALS. I saw Crystal Palace last Saturday. They looked great, but they are managed by human Gerald Scarfe caricature Roy Hodgson.

I don’t trust the guy.

Brighton & Hove Albion v. Watford – 9 AM Central (Neighbor’s Feed)

Oh man, this EPL season has a shitload of Albion.

Burnley v. Tottenham Hotspur – 11:30 AM Central (NBC)

Is Louis C.K. still managing Burnley? [checks] Yes.

I remember Burnley; this February they were eliminated from the FA Cup by a 5^th (FIF) division team, Lincoln City FC. And will you look at that: now Burnley is 6^th on the Premier League table. Well… Burnley has nine wins in 18 games, with 16 goals and 12 against. I haven’t seen Burnley since, but those numbers scream *beep *beep…

Like a… Bus parking. *beep. Psh. Pearls before swine, man.

Spurs are 7^th. Yes I can hear the grave dancing from here. But I like Pochettino, and Kane and Alli. Here’s one reason: you play hard and the manager has your back. Spurs have 31 goals—I’m calling it: 2-0 San Antonio.

Leicester City v. Manchester United – 1:45 PM Central (NBC)

Listen Lester: I’m still not over the Ranieri sacking. As far as I’m concerned, the EPL title is very, VERY mostly due to him. Feh.

Yeah OK. I get it. Top-flight fútbol is cutthroat capitalism. For owners, loyalty is a shade of sentimentality, which clouds business sense [spits]. On the other hand, fuck this guy.

Go Foxes.