Six Seven Restaurant & Lounge, 8:47 am, January 11th, 2017

John Schneider: …So I’m telling Traci, look, we really did expect to be in the playoffs this year. That I didn’t make us plans for MLK Day isn’t me neglecting the boys.

Pete Carroll: Yeah, family is weird. Complain that you’re working or complain that you’re home early. Just between the two of us though, I’m really enjoying this early-January freedom here in Jet City. I mean, this brunch is ah-maze-ing and the weather is absolutely gorgeous. Plus Glena has no idea how long a coordinator search should take so I’m gonna milk this freedom for all it’s worth.

Schneider: Yeah, we really do need to talk about that though. Since putting out the press release that we fired Darrell Bevell, the local press has been mining some potential replacement options. Not sure if you follow Field Gulls but they like Rob Chudzinski for our next O.C.

Carroll: CHUD?! Are you serious? When your back is Frank Gore, it doesn’t take much innovation to run that 4-12 offense. No no, we need to stay in house and, like I’ve been saying, I think Tom Cable is the man to light up the —

— Dining Patio Door Flies Open — 

Darrell Bevell: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’ BOYS!? MIND IF I GRAB A SEAT?

Schneider: Darrell, uh, what are you doing here man?

Bevell: …AND A MIMOSA?

Carroll: Yeah. [Peers around and in the water for surveillance devices] How did you know we were here?

Bevell: Oh, I fucking love this place. Used to play hooky and shoot down here for oysters when everyone else was doing running backs meetings. Man, that Marshawn really fucked us by going to Oakland, huh? Now none of us are in the playoffs. Boss.

Schneider: Darrell, look man, I’m all for maintaining a positive personal relationship here but, you know, we’re discussing our new offensive coordinator search now and —

Bevell: OH! YEAH! That was HILARIOUS! You know, every year I know you pranksters get it in the opinion pages that I’m fired but getting the gag IN THE SPORTS SECTION — that’s a quality stunt. I’ll have to keep that one in mind when April Fool’s rolls around this year.

Carroll: John, did you actually talk to Darrell?

Schneider: No you were supposed to. Remember, I had to do Bates.

Carroll: Oh so….ohhh…..this is awkward.

Bevell: Tell me about it, man. We were 15th in offense this year. And I don’t mean to go hard on you, John, for this running back room of three-star prospects. Nor am I going to say anything to you, Pete, about how the LOB is now more like the O.L.D., get me? But I take pride in my job man and 15th just ain’t good enough. Now I know he’s got a huge contract but just hear me out about considering a change with Russe —

Carroll: I’m not really talking about 2018.

Bevell: Nah man, one day at a time.

Schneider: And Russell isn’t going anywhere with that contract he’s got.

Bevell: That’s fine, we can work around it. Now let’s talk, and again I’m just looking out for the franchise here, about coaching staff changes then.

Schneider: Actually, that was kind of the point of the press release, even if Pete didn’t talk to you.

Bevell: Hey look, I don’t like to tell anyone else how to do their jobs but little pranks and shit just don’t cut it. We’re talking about grown men and this is just a business. You gotta be straight forward.

Carroll: Well then, to make things absolutely straight forward —

Bevell: Which why I called up Tom Cable when I was passing running over here and told him, straight up, “Look Tom, your shitty offensive line is holding everyone back. You’re fired.”

Schneider: You did what?

Bevell: Yeah, and I even said it like that. I said it like Trump. I was like, “You’re fired!” I was like, “There was no collusion and you’re fired!” Nah — not really. But I did fire him.

Carroll: Darrell —

Bevell: Look, I gotta go guys. I’m too used to working in January to have all this free time. Like, it’s January and, well first of all, I haven’t gotten my paycheck yet — though that might just be the postseason bonus I’m used to. But how are you guys dealing with your fob not working at the facility? Like, I don’t recall those restrictions any other offseason. No matter, I’m just gonna get back to football. That’s my passion and, you know, enjoy your off time but I’ve got work to do to make this 2018 ‘hawks squad #1 again. Alright later.

Carroll: [Silently watches Bevell leave] Well shit.

Schneider: Kind of nice that Cable decision sort of solved itself though.

Carroll: Yeah so…

Schneider: Whatever. He can figure it out when we hire the next guy. In the mean time, maybe we’ll get lucky and Blair Walsh will text him. More OJ?

Carroll: Please and thank you. So where ya gonna take the kids for Chinese New Year?