[INTERIOR,  DFO CLUBHOUSE]

TWBS: Yo, you awake?

Balls (moving aside empty pizza boxes): I am now. Whaddayawant?

TWBS: So, I was thinking of something.

Balls: You need to be careful. You don’t do it very well.

TWBS: Very funny.  I’m serious.

Balls: Me too.

TWBS: ANYWAY.  So, I was talking to Beastie the other day…

Balls: Beastie is cool!

TWBS: Well, his wife is cool…

TWBS stares off into the distance. His eyes seem unfocused. A small line of drool appears on the corner of his mouth.

Balls: Seamus! Would you stop thinking about IWDB for a second?

TWBS (snapping out of it): Oh, right! Sorry. So,  umm, I was thinking…

Balls: As the bishop said to the choirboy, spit it out.

TWBS: Well,  I thought maybe we could bring him in.

Balls:

TWBS: To help write At The Movies! He is a big B-movie fan and I know you like those movies,  so…

Balls: Great idea! That will be fun!

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Beastmode staggers in with an empty vodka bottle. 

Beastmode: Hey, guys! Is this where I get free vodka refills?

Balls: No. Well, yes, but…

TWBS: No, dummy, this is where we review movies.

Beastmode: Like…porno movies?

Balls (sighing): No, real movies. With plots and actors and…

Beastmode: Boobs?

TWBS: Obviously.

Beastmode: Cool! Then we should do some Andy Sidaris movies.

TWBS: The who now?

Balls: Oh yeah!! Andy Sidaris is my idol! That guy was the REAL most interesting man in the world!

TWBS (feeling neglected, left out, and starting to sulk): What are you guys talking about?

Balls (giving him a box set): Here,  watch this.

Balls and Beastmode talk Girls,  Guns,  and G- strings long into the night. Finally,  TWBS emerges.

TWBS: 

Balls: Right? Ok,  let’s get into the first one.  The original. The classic. Malibu Express!

TWBS:  Classic?

Balls:  STFU

Beastmode: The music…was that a mouth harp? What the hell is that twangy shit doing in an ’80s movie set in Malibu?

TWBS:  And what’s with this guy?  His gun case is Holstein hide.  One should really be able to actually shoot when carrying that thing.  Like no shit.  And a red DeLorean?  What is this?  Back Your Ass Up Into the Future?

Balls:  That was a sad reach.

TWBS:  Hey, I’m not the one who put him into a red DeLorean.

Beastmode:  Stop fighting!!!!  Look!!!!  Cheeky ’80s shorts! I remember those. Did IWDB have a pair of them? Like I’m gonna tell you guys while TWBS is here…

TWBS:  Oh, you’ll tell me, dammit….and I want pictures too!!!  Ah shit, look at that….Man ass! Crap, I was not expecting that.

Beastmode:  Stupid shower scene. What is this, a ’90s Canadian horror movie?

TWBS:  Right?

Balls:  Yeah, that was man ass and it was hilariously glorious.  You’ve got to appreciate equal-opportunity gratuitous nudity!

TWBS:  I still wanna hear about IWDB’s shorts.

Balls and Beastmode (in unison):  GROW UP!!!!

TWBS:  No YOU grow up!!!!!

Beastmode:  So, Cody Abilene?  This guy’s name is Cody Abilene?

TWBS:  Hehehehehe…right?

Balls:  Would you guys pay attention, please?  Just shut up and look at Sybil Danning FFS.  Lookit that dress.  It’s gonna fall off.  If we’re lucky.

Beastmode:  I bet every store in the SoCal area sold out of double-sided tape that day.  Holy shit.

TWBS:  What?

Balls:  Nothing, dumbass.  But that red dress was spectacular.  As is the white dress later.  Where can I find one?  Ummmm, for a friend.

TWBS:  Like you have any friends.

Beastmode:  You guys are making me uncomfortable.  Do you even like each other?

Balls and TWBS (in unison):  No…not really.

Beastmode, Balls and TWBS (in unison):  HOLY SHIT IT’S NICK THE DICK!!!!!!!!

TWBS:  Wow, he seems so harmless in Bachelor Party.  He really is kind of an asshole in this flick though and….  Ooooops never mind.  He Ded now.

Beastmode:  Spoiler Alert!!!!!

TWBS:  How is that a spoiler?  We just watched him get killt.

Beastmode:  I just meant for the readers.

TWBS:  Oh please.  Like anyone is reading this.  But you do have a point.  So before we go any further, let’s all agree that this flick is not so much a classic for its plot, writing or acting, but rather for its boobies.

Balls:  Duh!!!!!!!

TWBS:  Fuck you, Balls.

Balls:  No, FUCK YOU!!!!!

Balls and TWBS fight for about five minutes.  Beastmode takes the opportunity to refill his vodka bottle.

***

TWBS:  OK.  Let’s reset here, shall we?

Balls swings at TWBS but misses.

TWBS:  Haha…nice try.

Beastmode (hits TWBS in the back of the head):  Shut up, asshole.

TWBS:  You bitch!!!!!

Balls:  Hehehehehehehehe.

Beastmode (hits Balls in the back of the head):  Shut up, asshole.

Balls:  Ouch!!!!!

TWBS:  Hehehehehehehehe.

Beastmode:  Honestly, I don’t know how the two of you ever get anything written.  You’re both a coupla bitch-asses.

Balls and TWBS:  Grumble grumble.

Beastmode:  But TWBS did have a good point.

Balls:  Please don’t tell him that.

Beastmode:  These flicks are classic.  But it’s damn sure not the writing or the acting.

TWBS:  Or the music or the cinematography!!!!!

Beastmode:  No, definitely not.  It’s the….

Balls:  Boobies!!!!!!!!!

Beastmode:  *Sigh*  Yes, as I was trying to point out.  The cast is laden with them.  We already talked about Sybil Danning.  But in addition to her, the rest of the female cast is more or less ’80s Playboy Playmates.  None of whom can act for shit.  But they do look good.

Balls:  Yeah they do.

TWBS:  Fine, we agree on that at least.

Beastmode:  All I’m saying is that it’s a fun movie.  And here are the reasons…..

Beastmode:  Agreed?

Balls and TWBS:  Agreed.

TWBS:  But I’m telling IWDB on you.

Beastmode:  Like she’d even care.  Try to pay attention, dimwit.

TWBS:  Well that was just mean.

Balls:  Look, we’ve lost track of the story.

TWBS:  There’s a story?  I must have missed it.

Balls punches TWBS.  TWBS bites Balls on the ankle.  Beastmode kicks them both.

Beastmode:  Goddammit you two.  I swear to to god.

TWBS:  He started it.

Beastmode:  You really are related to the Buffingtons, aren’t you?

TWBS:  Yeah, probably.  *sigh*  Just call me “Bobo” I guess.

Beastmode: Y’know, I really think we should devote a whole post to the incredible assets of Lynda Weismeier some… day…

Balls: Urgh.

Beastmode: Um…yeah. Never mind.

TWBS: Woo! Double the fun!!!

Balls:  Well, I can’t disagree there.

TWBS:  OK Gents.  What are we giving this one then?

Beastmode: 

Balls:  Wow.  We look pretty good there.

TWBS:  Well, Beastie and I look good.  You missed your mark, Balls.  Just like always.

Balls and TWBS begin fighting again.

Beastmode begins chugging vodka wondering how he got dragged into this.  But it’s too late for him now.

See you next time….

AT THE MOVIES!!!!!!!!!!