Not Quite Eye Candy Fútbol Thread

Don T

Don T

Poor choices, mixed results.
¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre!
Titans4Eva
Don T

This EPL season has been underwhelming. Manchester City has been a buzzsaw, practically tying up the title three months in advance. Man City does not play today.

In La Liga, Barcelona had been tearing it up, but it’s now a two team race. Atlético Madrid is only five points back with 12 games to play. Neither team plays today.

So today’s slate features teams vying only for table position, whether to avoid relegation or enter next year’s European tournaments. And, with at least ten games to go, there’s really not much urgency—especially if a team has a Champions League elimination game next Tuesday or Wednesday. So the intensity of today’s games might suffer. It’s all about stakes: today we get penny antes.

As always, all times Central; games per my TV.

LA LIGA

Sevilla (5th) vs. Athletic Bilbao (12th)  – 9:15 AM (BeIn Sports)

Sevilla sucks at home, and plays at Manchester United on Tuesday at the Champions League. Athletic Bilbao is stuck in mid-table, but starts its Europa League journey on Thursday at Marseille. I’m calling it: Sevilla 1 – 0 Athletic Bilbao, in a game I’d rather not watch.

 

Leganés (16th) vs. Málaga (20th) – 11:30 AM (BeIn Sports)

Oh man, Málaga… In my early 20s, I spent a summer in Málaga for a “study” program. I got a room in a boarding house, but the racist owners wouldn’t let me use their washing machine. Not even for pay, a helluva dick move considering there were no laundromats… Anywhere! Some fellow students, of the hot-girl variety, volunteered: they washed AND IRONED all of my clothes, including my undies—which awed them. (To clarify: despite my wardrobe being described at the time as “butch lesbian”, for several years I had asked my parents for fancy boxers on every Xmas and birthday.) Word got around, and I’ve never, ever, EVER been more popular with the ladies. I also got the stink eye from every guy in the program:

Justin Bieber Haters Gonna Hate GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

That memory better be a part of the loop, when full senility sets in.

Anyway, Málaga is the visitor in this one. In fútbol, it’s customary for the home team to be listed first. Balls reminded us recently of that one, and is also the author of the legendary underwear post. Full circle baby!

 

Real Madriz (3rd) vs. Getafe CF (10th)  – 1:35 PM (BeIn Sports)

Every Real loss feels like a shower with Herbal Essences Schadenfreude Paradise:

Last Wednesday’s loss at Espanyol, Real’s fellow right-wingers in Catalonia, was especially sweet. It even left Real’s manager, Zinedine Zidane, in shock (via elpais.com): “I don’t know what’s happening to us. Fútbol, sometimes, you don’t understand it. Difficult moments must be accepted.” Can’t help feeling sad about Zizou being flustered, what with him being a god both as a player and manager. Still, fuck ‘em. I hope Sergio Ramos gets an elbow in the face.

 

ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE

Burnley FC (7th) vs. Everton (9th!) – 6:30 AM (NBC Sports)

Goddammit! Every fútbol Saturday I get Burnley and I’ve already used all my material—the FA Cup loss to a FIF division team, coach Louis CK, the British Titans… Don’t get me wrong: I’m not above repeating lame bits, but Burnley just begs an autotext: still far better table placement than deserved, still in minus goal difference (-3), and still less than a goal a game (22 in 28 matches). In the last ten games, Burnley has drawn five and lost five—and it’s still seventh on the EPL. 7th!

In kinda-Everton news, this still makes me lose my shit:

Tottenham Hotspur (4th) vs. Huddersfield (14th)  – 8:56🙄 AM (NBC Sports)

Spurs hosts Juventus for the Champions League on Wednesday, but can’t falter in the EPL. Chelsea, at 5th place, is behind by only two points—but Tottenham is HAWT: undefeated in the last ten EPL games, with 7 wins and three draws. Huddersfield has a -23 in goal differential and less than a goal a game. Teams like that deserve a 5-0 beating every now and then.

 

Leicester City (8th) vs. Bournemouth (11th)  – 9:00 AM

The Cherries have collected 16 points in the last ten games, more than top-six Chelsea (15) and Arsenal (12). Lester is limping through the back end of the season, but have something to look forward to: hosting Chelsea on a FA Cup quarterfinal later in March. This smells like a 0-0 super slog.

 

Swansea City (18th) vs. West Ham United (13th)  – 9:00 AM

The Swans have dug out of an early hole and stand a good chance of remaining on the EPL. Yes, they’re 18th, but have the same points (27) as two teams above it. West Ham is not terrible, which is adequate praise for any English team outside the top five.

 

Watford (10th) vs. West Bromwich Albion (20th)  – 9:00 AM

West Brom fans’ favorite board game:

Via @exxulansis

 

Southampton (a worse than it looks 16th) vs. Stoke City (19th) – 9:00 AM

Any team in the Copa Libertadores would kick the sorry ass of any of these teams. And hey, Soton: get relegated already.

Yes Bitch GIF by Justine Skye - Find & Share on GIPHY

 

Liverpool (3rd) vs. Newcastle United (a soft 15th) – 11:30 AM (NBC Sports)

Damn, Newcastle’s kinda mediocre now. Liverpool, however,

Via tenor.com

 

Finally, I’m guessing there’s some college basketball games toda—OH MY GOD!

Via espn.com

Better leave this to the experts. Have a great Saturday.

Gifs via giphy.com & tenor.com; substance-y stuff via soccerstats.com.

Don T
Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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BrettFavresColonoscopyFronkenshteenMr. AyotheeWeeBabySeamuslitre_cola Recent comment authors
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Fronkenshteen

Anyone got any shekels on this LOU/NCST game?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

People: I am back off the wagon. Or on. Whichever means drinking a bunch of shit.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Welcome back!

Fronkenshteen

SIIIGH!!!

/pours another seltzer

theeWeeBabySeamus

“Foul on Spalding for Louisville”

GET YOUR FOOT OFF THE BOAT SPALDING!!!!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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theeWeeBabySeamus

One good bet tonight, and I can extract $1,500 plus on monday Hippo.
Guide me oh wise one.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wazzu ML +150?

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, just leave me hanging when I need you most.

$200 on Wazzu ML +150.
$200 on UTSA @ Rice -2.0.

WCS

OK, just leave me hanging when I need you most.

(Insert James Dungy joke here)

litre_cola

We also would have accepted Micheal Hutchens.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Robin Williams would like a word.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yay money. I still don’t trust the state of Oklahoma, tho.
But that’s the beginnings of a repairing of trust.

King Hippo

great, Head Paedo gets T’d up right before the half. Just fucking great,

King Hippo

and Purdue makes an ill-advised 30-footer. I really am cursed, y’all. Only explanation.

King Hippo

I keep betting on UW, thinking the time I don’t bet them it will come back to haunt me.

I am a VERY slow learner.

yeah right

Kings answer back with 3 goals in the 2nd. 3-1 LA second intermission. Still completely sober. For now.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Goddammit Okie St, just kill some clock. You suck enough you could still blow this.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yikes, shitty call. But it goes in my favor so I’m shutting up.

King Hippo

motherfucker, I flipped over. Stop giving me false hope. Now I have to find the weirdo channel showing ND/Wahoowa in SD again.

King Hippo

Nope, ND has shot their wad (PHRASING!) so Hippo needs another secondary fixture. Too pilled out to read.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Well at least alabama isnt’ good at basketball, too, right? Right? I have no fucking idea.

King Hippo

You is correct, suh.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nice runout Okie State.
Fuck ‘dem Jayhawks.

King Hippo

ur meen

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hehehe….I am an asshole.
Just ask anyone I’ve ever dated.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Well, maybe don’t do that actually.

King Hippo

I don’t want to go digging up your ex-wife’s corpse. Too much work. I seen that episode of The Americans.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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King Hippo

I’m somehow simultanoeusly an asshole, yet to much of a “nice guy” to have any sexual charisma.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Cry me a river. I haven’t had my dick sucked in over a year.

And no, it wasn’t by whom you think.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, I kind of blew, but still……

theeWeeBabySeamus

LMFAO

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh holy shit, that wasn’t a fucking foul.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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it was aliens.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450
herodotus450

Brendan Gallagher really smashing it up again Boston here.
/Can’t believe I’m rooting for [gag] Montreal.

King Hippo

betcha the French Canadian voice in your head is pleased tho

/everyone has one of those, right?

herodotus450
herodotus450

Mine just says, “You call this cheese, eh?” all day.

King Hippo

I’m rooting for Paedo State. Hoping this represents rock bottom.

King Hippo

Also ND, now that I think about it. CHRIST.

herodotus450
herodotus450

“Someone mentioned a ‘rock bottom’?”
-J. Sandusky and entire catholic priesthood in unison

King Hippo

my plan is just to keep taking pills until I feel adequate now

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS

Buffalo Bill approved.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I think he’s wear them backwards…..

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Don’t drink and fly – it’s ILLEAGLE! (I stole this joke.)

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