This EPL season has been underwhelming. Manchester City has been a buzzsaw, practically tying up the title three months in advance. Man City does not play today.
In La Liga, Barcelona had been tearing it up, but it’s now a two team race. Atlético Madrid is only five points back with 12 games to play. Neither team plays today.
So today’s slate features teams vying only for table position, whether to avoid relegation or enter next year’s European tournaments. And, with at least ten games to go, there’s really not much urgency—especially if a team has a Champions League elimination game next Tuesday or Wednesday. So the intensity of today’s games might suffer. It’s all about stakes: today we get penny antes.
As always, all times Central; games per my TV.
LA LIGA
Sevilla (5th) vs. Athletic Bilbao (12th) – 9:15 AM (BeIn Sports)
Sevilla sucks at home, and plays at Manchester United on Tuesday at the Champions League. Athletic Bilbao is stuck in mid-table, but starts its Europa League journey on Thursday at Marseille. I’m calling it: Sevilla 1 – 0 Athletic Bilbao, in a game I’d rather not watch.
Leganés (16th) vs. Málaga (20th) – 11:30 AM (BeIn Sports)
Oh man, Málaga… In my early 20s, I spent a summer in Málaga for a “study” program. I got a room in a boarding house, but the racist owners wouldn’t let me use their washing machine. Not even for pay, a helluva dick move considering there were no laundromats… Anywhere! Some fellow students, of the hot-girl variety, volunteered: they washed AND IRONED all of my clothes, including my undies—which awed them. (To clarify: despite my wardrobe being described at the time as “butch lesbian”, for several years I had asked my parents for fancy boxers on every Xmas and birthday.) Word got around, and I’ve never, ever, EVER been more popular with the ladies. I also got the stink eye from every guy in the program:
That memory better be a part of the loop, when full senility sets in.
Anyway, Málaga is the visitor in this one. In fútbol, it’s customary for the home team to be listed first. Balls reminded us recently of that one, and is also the author of the legendary underwear post. Full circle baby!
Real Madriz (3rd) vs. Getafe CF (10th) – 1:35 PM (BeIn Sports)
Every Real loss feels like a shower with Herbal Essences Schadenfreude Paradise:
Last Wednesday’s loss at Espanyol, Real’s fellow right-wingers in Catalonia, was especially sweet. It even left Real’s manager, Zinedine Zidane, in shock (via elpais.com): “I don’t know what’s happening to us. Fútbol, sometimes, you don’t understand it. Difficult moments must be accepted.” Can’t help feeling sad about Zizou being flustered, what with him being a god both as a player and manager. Still, fuck ‘em. I hope Sergio Ramos gets an elbow in the face.
ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE
Burnley FC (7th) vs. Everton (9th!) – 6:30 AM (NBC Sports)
Goddammit! Every fútbol Saturday I get Burnley and I’ve already used all my material—the FA Cup loss to a FIF division team, coach Louis CK, the British Titans… Don’t get me wrong: I’m not above repeating lame bits, but Burnley just begs an autotext: still far better table placement than deserved, still in minus goal difference (-3), and still less than a goal a game (22 in 28 matches). In the last ten games, Burnley has drawn five and lost five—and it’s still seventh on the EPL. 7th!
In kinda-Everton news, this still makes me lose my shit:
Tottenham Hotspur (4th) vs. Huddersfield (14th) – 8:56? AM (NBC Sports)
Spurs hosts Juventus for the Champions League on Wednesday, but can’t falter in the EPL. Chelsea, at 5th place, is behind by only two points—but Tottenham is HAWT: undefeated in the last ten EPL games, with 7 wins and three draws. Huddersfield has a -23 in goal differential and less than a goal a game. Teams like that deserve a 5-0 beating every now and then.
Leicester City (8th) vs. Bournemouth (11th) – 9:00 AM
The Cherries have collected 16 points in the last ten games, more than top-six Chelsea (15) and Arsenal (12). Lester is limping through the back end of the season, but have something to look forward to: hosting Chelsea on a FA Cup quarterfinal later in March. This smells like a 0-0 super slog.
Swansea City (18th) vs. West Ham United (13th) – 9:00 AM
The Swans have dug out of an early hole and stand a good chance of remaining on the EPL. Yes, they’re 18th, but have the same points (27) as two teams above it. West Ham is not terrible, which is adequate praise for any English team outside the top five.
Watford (10th) vs. West Bromwich Albion (20th) – 9:00 AM
West Brom fans’ favorite board game:
Southampton (a worse than it looks 16th) vs. Stoke City (19th) – 9:00 AM
Any team in the Copa Libertadores would kick the sorry ass of any of these teams. And hey, Soton: get relegated already.
Liverpool (3rd) vs. Newcastle United (a soft 15th) – 11:30 AM (NBC Sports)
Damn, Newcastle’s kinda mediocre now. Liverpool, however,
Finally, I’m guessing there’s some college basketball games toda—OH MY GOD!
Better leave this to the experts. Have a great Saturday.
Gifs via giphy.com & tenor.com; substance-y stuff via soccerstats.com.
Chicago is up 1-0 at first intermission. Blackhawks are dominating time of possession. It’s cold as fuck in here.
God, the PAC-12 is terrible.
Sparky catching ’em and still losing is gonna suck.
honky goes 0-2 from foul line. MY FOOKIN’ LIFE
Italian politics, explained:
Goddammit. My Estonian girl has turned weird.
Fuck you Eastern Europe!!!!! It’s all Stalin’s fault.
so much for your Glorious Five Year Plan, huh? 😀
Meh…she’s 25. Even if ‘Murrican it woulda crashed and burned.
I mean shit, it’s me we’re talking ’bout here. I attract the cray cray. It’s like you don’t even know me anymore.
I am currently happy with the 2 bills on the Okie State ML tho. Yes, I did it. Fuck that state, but the luck can’t stay left forever.
25 is PERFECT.
I just put $55 on KU to win at +390, FWIW
Who the fuck was offering KU +390?
Or plus anything, for that matter?
Live betting when down 14-30
SPARKY WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Got $55 in on KS tie/lead at the half when it was 17-7. Huzzah!
(maybe not so much)
As someone who is in second place in their fantasy hockey pool and is trailing to a guy who has a ton of Tampa players, fuck the Ice Bucs. Especially Stamkos and Kucherov.
OK Sparty, enough dicking around.
EVERY TIME BC gots a 7+ point lead, I tried to get in a live beat on the Noles, but the “satellite feed delayed” for that game on the site. BOOOOOO
KEEP IT UP, Chickens!
STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, I presume we bet the SCar ML?
uh huh. Cliff Ellis always fades late in season.
Cliff Ellis? Wait, which chickens did you bet? Columbia or Conway?
oh shit, I meant Bruce Pearl. Same difference.
Heheheh…very true.
But at least it makes more sense now.
So, KState apparently thinks they’re the Globetrotters of teh midwest?
Da Fuq is up with those unis?
Claude Giroux: The Return
How pitiful is it that my dogs and cats have loved me and been more loyal than any human in my life?
My current kitty is a shithead, but she’s always there and never lies to me.
I’ve always said the only being that can truly give love is a dog or cat. Not in a pervy way (unless you are in one of the Dakotas).
Mah Kitteh…from Christmas time four years ago. Dreaming of catching a bird I would imagine.
Today’s update from skiing: I don’t want to die as much as last time but still don’t see the appeal
I love it. Did it 5 days a week in my twenties. I am hooked, I wish I got out more nowadays.
Showoff.
Snowboarding or GTFO.
I always said when I got bored skiing I would try snowboarding. I never tried. Hung out with a fun crew of skiers that kept in interesting, was a great 7 years.
I’m assuming there is at least the promise of booze and sex at the end?
PRO TIP: Skiing is NOT sommet one can learn well for the first time when one is already 6’2.” And when one had earned the nickname “Kosmo Kramer” in his freshman dorm hall.
Flyers can’t beat Carolina at home, but giving Tampa Bay all it can handle on the road. It’s so hard to figure this team out.
I say before Tampa scores 3 goals in 6 minutes
That stay at the top of the Metro was short-lived, huh?
😛
It’s a cursed spot right now.
Nobody wants it, fo’ sho’.
I received a job blast email this morning with something interesting.
We will give you SUCH a glowing recommendation!
“some nights and weekends” Yeah, and “all” in July-February.
Lotta fancy talk for Central Committee Commissar of Propaganda.
Stupid rapey Jesuits. Down ten at the half.
Saturday afternoon Ice Ball is the tits!
https://goo.gl/images/1bTVrc
Well fuck you too Google Images!
I’d check her into the boards.
The golf course I work at is still closed from the last snowstorm, but it’s technically thawed enough to be playable. It’s a little breezy, but I’ve got the whole course to myself. Do I play? Or curl up on a couch with the combine and bourbon?
you even have to ask?
I thought golf was an excuse for drinking! Take a boom box too, if ya gonna have the course to yourself. Metallica for tee-offs, Slayer for putts.
I could not like your reply more.
You play WITH bourbon in bag.
Jeebus, I thought you were the pro around here.
Angry pussy
My wife came down and told me to turn off the emo music so she could watch tv. I yelled at her that she’s not my real mom.
Someone just screwed themselves out of Chuck E Cheese later.
I’d be more inspired by that if it said “trashed”.
That is doing something; you need to go to the liquor store.
I felt good, until I took a bite of my protein bar and realized I bought the wrong goddamned flavour.
#GarbageCannot
You need to make do. It’s a puzzle; why the hell is this flavor popular?
in my (mild) defense, the lemon varietal is white chocolate covered, and looks identical. Same “no sugar, 20g protein, etc.”
But this is JUST white chocolate, and it’s fucking nasty.
But good point, I will take the remainder to my office kitchen area, and see how long it takes them to disappear. Judge against the last batch of shit my asshole vegan kid bought and hated.
Fun Fact #2 – today was Burnley’s first win of 2018. Yet they were STILL #7 in the Table, BEFORE today’s result.
The Premiership has never, ever been this unbalanced. 7-20 are utter dross.
Except that’s every league now. The NBA has the code of “The Process” except now the Sixers are decent, MLB has about 7 teams trying to win but nobody’s going to go over the luxury tax threshold, the NFL has only like 6 teams that are competent…. Parity just means they all suck equally apparently.
Man, they’re really going all out with these “Escape the Room” themes, aren’t they?
Bring your Twister game.
I’d say the NFL is the only League still not beholden to the “SuperTeam” concept, which is the best thing about it. Week in and week out, most of the games are at least competitive.
Salary floor is as important as cap, really. Plus Glorious Socialism in how revenues are shared.
OK, I’m off to the booze store. Imma need to be hammered later when ‘Ville rolls into Raleigh and kicks our ass, moving us from the 4 seed to the 8 seed in a matter of two days.
Wow, I’m so happy I went to NC State.
?itemid=5852589
#WhyINoHasGun
/also wud make a real mess ,, ppl forget that
//have always been polite
I’ll shoot you if you want. We can even do it outside.
That’s how good a friend I am.
😛
get back to me after hoopsball GAMBLOR season ends!
re-reading the NSNO match thread, proud to see today’s favourite Allardyce insult (when he took off Sigurdsson, easily our best performer):
HIPPO HEAD CUNT
Hmmm, me thinks the Cuse and Jesuit Rape Baylor are showing good odds today, better than my interest in ladies Icelandic basketball. BTW the Hamar Women are very attractive, in fact the four teams playing in live-betting right now have smokeshows on all of them.
/am degenerate
Hippo likes how this man thinks!
At least the Shite look meh so far, but Geordies not exactly mounting any kind of threat, even on the counter. They gonna need at least one.
I have $275 on Barcodes win (+1400), $250-ish on Draw (+600)
oh, in case nobody noticed, today was the first time in Burnley’s Premier League history that they came back to win from a losing position.
As we Blues say, Everton that.
So I decided to learn a bit more about this “emo” thing the kids are into and I found a playlist called “Intro to Emo” on Spotify. If anyone wants me I’ll be in my room. (that’s what emo kids do, right?)
That was similar to what I named my stupid personal “Pandora” station that I listened to in the office “Beyond Emo.”
I first read that as “Beyond Elmo” and said to myself “hey, that sounds like a pretty good movie.”
Indeed. I worried that HR would visit had I named it “Down the Street, Not Across the Tracks”
It had its moments…
Well you are a Raiders fan and they do have Em0-Carr.
Let’s Go Barcodes!!!
GAMBLOR has been fucking me in the ass (go back and find the last 40 seconds of URI/Davidson), and I need me some longshot moneys.
I got a wee boost by finally betting the obvs – waiting until 75′-80′ of any Cherries match, bet live for the trailing team to Draw and/or win. Works every time.
/thank you, Mahrez
I still haven’t cashed out. But I’m resisting any action.
Really happy I laid off Thursday night action. I would have lost all I was considering.
I honestly don’t mind losing. What I mind is being exactly right in why I bet and how much and then being thoroughly fucked for no logical reason. NC State/GT, URI/Davidson, Washington/OSU. THREE IN TWO DAYS.
Yep, understood.
I laid off the Stanford ML vs UofA (which I still think was good odds under the circumstances as we knew them at the time) long enough to hear Miller and Trier were off the cross. At which point I said…”No Fookin’ Way”.
TV Teddy Valentine needs to die, or at least be exiled to the moon. Period, end of.
Yep. He definitely went all prom queen and took over and handed the win to Atlanta.
I just hope it doesn’t have a multi-game impact, and we come out again thinking that attempting to defend or contest a rebound is like touching a hot stovetop.
I mean, those were not exactly natural impulses for our Shitty Wolves ™ until the past 2 weeks or so anyhow.
/stumbles in reeking of vodka and shame
[burp]
Hey there fellers, how the fuck are we doing today.
//trips and cracks skull open on coffee table because forgot to pull up own pants
You’re wearing pants?
Define “wearing”.
This was a good morning 2-1 , up to fourth, promotion forthcoming…..
On to hoopsball or a meteor game in the prem.
That seems fair. Keep adding stoppage time until bloody fucking Leicester can get the equalizer. Cunts.
It is unhealthy how much I like her.
Casey Affleck is getting replaced by Jodie Foster and Jennifer Lawrence to present an award due to #metoo.
What I want to know is, what’s going to happen if/when Kobe Bryant wins his category? Think anyone will ask him about Colorado?
NDAs; he paid good money for them.
I know it has happened before, but I have never watched a match where there was over 10 minutes stoppage time. It’s kind of cool and something I don’t want to ever watch again
Who’s doing the flip?
I just thought it was crowd surfing at a very local concert. Now I’m questioning that.
Io Shirai maybe
EDIT: Yep
Other good Io Shirai things:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EE0yqrHL23A
Heung Min Son is fuggin’ good!
Thank god for sports on a day like today.
These 2 stories from yesterday have made me angrier than anything else I’ve read about this administration, which is saying a lot. And having them both break on the same day was almost too much.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nbcnews.com/politics/white-house/amp/trump-was-angry-unglued-when-he-started-trade-war-officials-n852641
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/white-house/mueller-team-asking-if-kushner-foreign-business-ties-influenced-trump-n852681
But not today. Today, I get to sit and talk with my wife, maintain a pleasant high, follow Hippo & Seamus’s action, fold laundry, play soccer with little man, and cook food all day. And tee-vee sports is the backdrop for the whole thing.
The Kushner story is next level in pettiness
Getting loans and payments to influence US policy…… nope nothing to see here, let’s move along.
Ya know, there’s a lot of blood boiling stories in the news the past few days. Like, people getting tattoos of the corporation they work for. Or what happened to Ahed Tamini’s cousin
Damn, Badou. I haven’t seen someone go after a knee like that since Tonya Harding.
Stupid sexy robot; but kinda flat, but still sexy; a thong would help.
Can anyone explain the banner quote to me? What’s the joke alluding to?
Well, one West Ham player is done for the day.
West Ham/ Swansea is going to have a 45 minutes injury time.
Not sure why the medics took about 15-20 minutes to take a guy who hurt his knee/ankle off the field
She was banging Tiger Woods when his back was so bad, it was keeping him from playing.
Which West Ham player got hurt?
/don’t say Lanzini
It was Reid
Andy Reid? NO WONDER HIS BACK WAS FUCKED UP!!
/dying
Pretty amazing the Woods didn’t die.
Didn’t one of her handjobs cure J.J. Watt from some mysterious ailment a couple years ago?
“Barcelona had been tearing it up, but it’s now a two team race”
So, it’s every la Liga season ever, then.
Teh mighty Fulham with an early goooooooool.
Aaaaand West Ham is already losing
I always wonder how Hippo taeks Everton wins and losses now.
Losses, especially due to Allardyce incompetence, are aces. No chance of relegation. The important thing is getting that gravy swilling fuckwit out, asap.