Oscar Night 2018 Open Thread

Good evening, Commentists! It’s Oscar night, and I’m here to set the stage for your finest cinematological dick jokes. Here are the nominees for Best Picture, ranked, and my predictions for which of them will actually win.

10. Darkest Hour

Impeccably acted and unexpectedly pretty to look at. There are no bad movies nominated for Best Picture, just great movies and good movies and movies I’m actually a little angry at for not being as good as they could have been, and Darkest Hour is just a good movie. It’s the year’s second-best film about the evacuation of Dunkirk, depicting an emotionally complex but morally sanitized Winston Churchill in one of his life’s more admirable moments.

9. The Post

Full marks to Stephen Spielberg and everyone else involved for turning this movie around extremely quickly. Spielberg got the film in March or so of 2017, and my first memory about The Post is being surprised to learn it existed, in November 2017 or so. It’s a smart, entertaining newsroom flick, not on the level of, say, Spotlight, but an achievement all the same.

8. Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

This one, yep, this is the one that could have been so much better. Three Billboards is a great movie about the destructive power of grief, and a great movie about a woman raging against an uncaring patriarchal order (the dentist scene is an especially wonderful moment in this vein), a great movie about family violence, even, and a totally clueless movie about racism and police violence. Yeah, maybe it’s cathartic seeing a black billboard painter fearlessly face down a racist cop in the middle of nowhere, but it’s not believable. Mildred uses black people as goads and as props, to needle the police and to justify her crusade. This would be great commentary if Three Billboards seemed at all aware that this was what she was doing, but instead it mostly falls into the same trap as its protagonist. I went into Three Billboards wanting to love it unreservedly, and if McDonagh had been a little more realistic about his ambitions for the film, I’m sure I would have.

7. Call Me by Your Name

Look, I don’t want to tell anyone how to do their job, and even if I did I don’t think the casting director for Call Me by Your Name would listen, because it scored one acting Oscar nomination and could conceivably have had two more. But, Timothée Chalamet and Armie Hammer don’t look 17 and 24 years old respectively (the ages of their characters in the book Call Me is adapted from), they look respectively younger and much older, and while I don’t really think Call Me is a story about sexual predation, that’s a lot harder to reconcile with what’s actually onscreen than it needed to be. I don’t blame anyone for being uncomfortable with this movie, and it’s too bad because it really is beautiful and touching otherwise.

6. Phantom Thread

That’s a hell of a thing for Paul Thomas Anderson to spring on his audience right at the end of his movie, isn’t it? (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, trust me, just watch the movie. It’s worth seeing and it still hasn’t made its budget back.) You could reasonably accuse Phantom Thread of dragging for much of its runtime (my parents almost walked out of it from sheer boredom) but if you watch carefully, it’s always laying the groundwork for that one ridiculous moment. Side note: I saw that Jennifer Lawrence didn’t like this movie, which is funny because it’s about exactly the same thing as mother!.

5. Lady Bird

lady snow’s Best Picture for 2017, and with good reason. I’ll let her tell you about it.

“I liked when Lady Bird dove out of the car, obviously. She’s a character with a lot of spirit, and I definitely relate to her from my own time growing up. And I appreciated the way the movie handled depicting a dysfunctional family. Just because you’re dysfunctional doesn’t mean you don’t still love each other a lot, and this family clearly did.”

4. Get Out

Definitely one of the smartest films nominated for an Oscar in 2017. If I have a complaint, it’s that I didn’t find Get Out as scary as some of the other great horror movies of the year (Raw or It Comes at Night to name a couple) but it’s disturbing on another level and it does what I like most in a horror flick or thriller, manipulating the tropes of the genre to explore some deeper aspect of human experience, in the manner of recent classics like The VVitch or It Follows.

3. Dunkirk

Dunkirk, on the other hand, is precisely and perfectly executed real-life horror story where the horror is the entire message. Every aspect of Nolan’s production is fine-tuned to create maximum anxiety, including the odd-sounding but deadly effective story structure. I saw Drew Magary joke over on Deadspin that they forgot to write a screenplay for this movie, but while obviously Dunkirk doesn’t have the ornate dialogue of Call Me by Your Name or the exquisite character development of Lady Bird, I think Dunkirk‘s carefully sequenced cliffhangers are their own sort of great writing.

2. The Shape of Water

Guys, go see The Shape of Water, but please don’t take your kids. Some parents a few seats over from lady snow and I did, and it was deeply, deeply uncomfortable. Fortunately, I quickly forgot they were there, because The Shape of Water is a thoroughly immersive spectacle that never loses its human scale even though probably the most important character isn’t human and, um, has scales. Anyway, The Shape of Water was clearly made with so much care and love, and makes Sally Hawkins having a relationship with a fish man not just believable but totally compelling.

1. Mudbound

I Can’t Believe You’re Doing This Shit Again, Can’t You Just Pick From The Real Nominees Like A Normal Person: It’s my post series and I’ll do what I want.

No One’s Watching The Oscars Tonight To Find Out What You Think: Okay. I know. Fine. The actual predictions then.

Will Win/Should Win: The Shape of Water. This is so far from a sure thing, with all the hardware that Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri has picked up this awards season. I see Best Picture this year as eventually a two-horse race, and you can definitely make the case that Three Billboards should be favored, but in the end I have to trust the same gut that told me Moonlight last year and Spotlight two years ago. I just don’t believe the Academy will choose a film with Three Billboards‘ delirious highs but numerous glaring issues over a rock-solid, attentively crafted and deeply moving story like The Shape of Water.

Upset Special Two-For One: Lady BirdGet Out. A lot of people who should know better are already talking themselves into a Get Out win. That’s likely to end in disappointment, but here’s the case both for both Get Out and Lady Bird: They’ve got directing, acting, and screenplay nominations. They’ve got substantial campaigns behind them, and plenty of popular support. And maybe the changing membership of the Academy makes it less like the Golden Globes and the guild awards. Both films are still pretty big long shots, in my opinion. If Lady Bird in particular wins, it’s probably going to mean I was wrong about a lot of other awards.

But What About: No, sorry, I think Dunkirk‘s fantastic, but it’s not going to happen. No, not even if it wins Best Editing.

make it snow is an alot of beer who’s watched alot of movies. Did you know that the red carpet is red so it won’t show bloodstains when Michael Shannon murders someone? Anyway, enjoy the show!

What’s that? I didn’t do original art for all the movies? I promise it’s coming, in a recap post after the awards.

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makeitsnowondem
make it snow is an alot of beer. He is also a Broncos fan living in Denver.
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rockingdog

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Brick Meathook

A classic
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Wakezilla

Sup?

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Unsurprised

Trying to catch up as people keep uploading photos from the Oscars to the main forum I haunt.

Unsurprised

I didn’t know Una Mujer Fantástica was nominated. It’s a great movie.

Unsurprised

I never liked this chick, but something has shifted.

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Unsurprised
Wakezilla

Oof. She has had too much plastic surgery

WCS

I don’t know who that is, but, well done!

WCS

Oh, shit! He pitched for the Dirt Stillers for a bit. Totally forgot about him.

yeah right

I batted 1000 on the 5 majors and got best documentary to boot. I’m betting this shit next year.

WCS

Ron Howard: That’s how yeah right lost his 401k.

yeah right

Dammit Opie!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Snub of the year.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

Now this is acting
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Helloooooo Sarah

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Alright; that made me fucking laugh….. except Ed doesn’t lie.

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Romonobyl

She was better in Sex in the City.

Unsurprised

It turns out that John Elway is actually SJP in her greatest role ever.

Romonobyl

There’s gonna be more opiates at the after-parties than all the CVSs in the San Fernando Valley.

Gratliff

The Shape of Water (2017)
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WCS

So… how badly will Fox & Friends roast this Oscars? Hiroshima? Tsar Bomba? Supernova?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We know they will keep their facts strai…… I can’t even type it.

WCS

Hold up a sec…. it’s actually, “The Disaster Artist!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s about the Cleveland Browns front office.

Romonobyl

Either 3 Billboards or Ladybird.
It is written.

Romonobyl

And Shape of Water!!! Almost forgot to add that.

Brick Meathook

Didn’t Warren Beatty fuck this up last year?

Romonobyl

So Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway are back again? So much for Einstein’s definition of insanity.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What do you mean? They were so good in…

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh! You mean……

Gratliff

Botch! Botch! Botch!

WCS

They brought them back?!

Best Picture: Fate of the Furious

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Reminder: Jordan Peele’s wife used to shit on glass tables for Jim Norton.

SonOfSpam

Well, who among us…

Romonobyl

Those who shit on glass tables…

Gratliff

To be fair, that’s the traditional greeting for Lil Jimmy

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Once I asked Jodie Foster for an autograph and I said, “Can you make that out to ‘My biggest fan, John'”

She was not amused.

Brick Meathook

He sure did like her a lot

Romonobyl

He would have killed for a date with her.

Redshirt

Frances McDormand: “I’ve got some things to say.”
White House Staffer: “Break his phone! BREAK ALL THE PHONES!!!!”

Unsurprised

Meryl Streep sucks.

Brick Meathook

I think there should be more movies with midgets.

Redshirt

So who’s taking home the jetski?

Senor Weaselo

Not us.

SonOfSpam

Did Richard Jenkins’ toupee win anything?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No; terrible acting.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, maybe that is a bit of a stretch.

SonOfSpam

Involuntary laugh at Jodie Foster on crutches. Kinda feel bad.

Also kinda have an urge to play pinball.

WCS

Ooooffff….

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

oooooffff…… OOOOOFFFF

Redshirt

That was the guiltiest chuckle I ever did.

Gratliff

And balance is restored

Col. Duke LaCross

Jeeeeeeeeeezus!

Romonobyl

“ONE…TWO…THREE…FOUR!!!!

Crap I’m really going to Hell now.

Gratliff

Oldman deserved that award ten times over during his career, so of course he doesn’t get it till he plays the comically racist genocidal historical figure who had the good fortune of being attacked by Hitler

WCS

I can’t be the only one who’s just tired of Merryl Streep, right? Every. Fucking. Year.

...

So which beloved actor gets a bigger pass for his shitty behavior: Gary Oldman or Bill Murray?

WCS

Chevy Chase

...

A dark horse emerges…

But it’s Murray. He was all over TV during the Cubs’ 2016 run without a peep about what a shithead he’s been.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Who did he rape again?

...

The question is less about which person is worse as opposed to which person’s horrible behavior is just totally ignored as if it never happened.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I guess I’m not up on what all three did; was it criminal?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Just read the Chevy Chase list.

...

Murray and Oldman both beat their wives. I just saw the Oldman story on Twitter: he choked his wife and smashed her face with the phone receiver when she tried to call 911–in front of their kids, no less.

I’m not finding details of the Murray story easily–it’s not mentioned many places.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Just found a bunch of stuff on it. Seems like her claims go far beyond any divorce settlement thing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I don’t think Chase did anything criminal….. or that I could find.

Redshirt

Please go into character as Winston Churchill for the acceptance speech. It will be the greatest two hour speech ever!

Redshirt

About damn time for Gary Oldman. How is this his first Oscar?!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

He got robbed in the Fifth Element

...

Oldman took that role as a favor to the producer of that movie and later said he hated the movie.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Well he’s wrong

SonOfSpam

“And the Lifetime Achievement Best Male Actor That Hasn’t Won Yet But He’s Due goes to…Gary Oldman.”

Redshirt

Ugh, I could’ve gone through this Oscars without seeing Jane Fonda lecture me. My MIA Great Uncle would be rolling in his grave, assuming the North Vietnamese buried him.

Brick Meathook

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